a Daria and Blackadder fan fiction crossover story
by Lord Akiyama
Author's Note: Daria and its characters are copyright © of MTV. Blackadder and its characters are copyright © of BBC. This story was created purely out of sheer enjoyment so please don't sue.
This story is based within the third series of the Blackadder television programme, Blackadder the Third. While actual persons, situations, and locations are present and used, historical accuracy has been thrown completely out of the window for storytelling and entertainment purposes. Factual information of those used in this chapter are noted as best as possible at the bottom under Footnotes to History.
Dish and Dishonesty
It was a period known as the English Regency. King George III was deemed unfit to rule due to declining health and increasing descent into insanity. His eldest son George IV, the Prince of Wales, took over as regent.
The sun pierced its blinding light through the window. Shining directly upon the face of a maid who stirred violently before being forced to awaken from her much needed slumber. With a grumble and incoherent muttering, she sat up and stretched her arms outward. Satisfied, she scratched her back and slowly slid out of bed. She shuffled a few feet toward the med of another maid, one who on purpose positioned her bed so that the radiant sunlight could not touch her.
"Rise and shine, Miss. Morgendorffer," the first maid managed to say in a sleepy tone. She rocked the other's shoulder back and forth repeatedly until she finally stirred. "It's another beautiful day for her highness to abuse her social status upon by spending more than her given allowance on clothes and eying pathetic suitors for her to manipulate in the evening."
"I am just overwhelmed with excitement," the second maid muttered. With a yawn, she slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes before grabbing her glasses from the nightstand behind her. Once her vision was set, she looked over at the first maid. "And need I remind you to stop addressing me formally when we're not in the presence of the royal family, Miss. Lane? Having to answer to my last name for more than twenty times a day will surely drive me to be as mad as his highness."
"Wasn't it thirty last week?" the first maid asked as she shuffled over to the closet to retrieve their work clothes.
"It drops on a weekly basis, Jane," the second maid replied. She then stretched her arms out until she was satisfied, remaining seated in her bed until given her work clothes. "Just like the number of brain cells that is maintained hourly while in the presence of the spoiled Princess herself."
"A shame we have to serve that very same spoiled Princess, Daria," Jane noted as she shuffled back over to the other with their work clothes in both of her hands. She casually dropped one set upon the other's lap before shuffling back near her own bed and proceeded to get dressed. "Of course, it was either that or become a prostitute."
"Two career choices that both lead to loss of sanity," Daria pointed out. She continued to remain seated while she was getting dressed. "The only difference being that we could maintain our virginity for as long as possible serving the brat."
"The lesser of two evils," Jane added, nearly finished in getting dressed. "Boy, does life suck for us lower class women."
"Given that fat, flatulent gits like the Prince Regent continue to run things in this country, I highly doubt it will get any better," Daria stated, herself nearly finished in getting dressed as well.
They were set and ready to go when a giant bell in a corner of the room rang. Both women let out defeated sighs, knowing full well what that sound meant. Whether they liked it or not, they were to leave the room and perform their occupational duties.
"Time to earn our pay, Daria," Jane proclaimed with a deep breath.
"What little pay we get for having to deal with so much," Daria responded as she stood up from her bed. "One of these days, Jane, you're going to have to do the right thing and put me out of my misery."
"Not if I manage to get my suffering to end first," Jane said in retort. The two maids merely looked at one another for a moment before slouching their way out of the room. They continued to converse as they walked through the hallways. "By the way, I've been meaning to ask you something."
"The answer is no," Daria stated rather suddenly.
"You must have had a really bad night if you're grumpy this early," Jane noted.
"You would be too if you only spent four hours worth of sleep," Daria added.
"Nevertheless, I didn't even get to ask my question," Jane pointed out.
"It's the same question you ask at least once a month, Jane," Daria responded. "The question being, 'Have I found myself smitten with any one man yet?' The answer being, as I've stated before and I will continue to say again, a definite no."
"Well, did you even try to find a man for you to be smitten with?" Jane asked as the two maids entered the kitchen.
"I am a maid for Princess Augusta, the annoying daughter of mad King George III and sister to the Prince Regent George IV," Daria began to explain while waiting to retrieve the trays containing breakfast for the royal family. "All of my free time, whenever I am lucky enough to get any, is spent either asleep or buried in self-loathing at some dump like Mrs. Miggins' shoppe."
"And that's just on a typical Monday," Jane added.
"Even if I wanted to find some guy to be smitten with, he would run off screaming into the night in fear of his life as a result of my frustrations being pushed to the brink on a daily basis," Daria continued. "And that's if he manages to survive, what you so earnestly call, my charming personality."
"You know, there is Blackadder," Jane suggested, raising a brow as the maids collected the trays.
"Please," Daria responded in a droll tone as they made their way through the kitchen. "Blackadder is perhaps the worst kind of ego-maniac. A brilliant man who, by poor luck, must serve an upper class twit. Besides, he would consider me too young for his tastes any way. Not to mention his social status can't be elevated through me."
"Were we talking about any other man, I'd say you were just making excuses," Jane noted.
"I'm sure you would," Daria said.
The two maids exited the kitchen and into the dining room. Awaiting for their meals were Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, wife of King George III, and her daughter Princess Augusta Sophia. The Queen sat at the head of the table in a proud and distinguished manner. The Princess, on the other hand, had both her elbows up on the table, sitting rather close to the edge of her seat, and reading the morning paper with great interest.
"Ah, there you are, girls," the Queen announced in possible relief. She was getting her breakfast after all. "Let's hope the chef double-checked the eggs he used before cooking them this time. There will be hell to pay if he let slip another rotten yolk into our breakfast like he did last week."
"Don't worry, your highness," Jane said as she placed a tray in front of the Queen. "I believe the tongue lashing that you gave him as a result of his accident will surely scare him into triple-checking every egg he comes into contact with."
"Either that or he'll just hang himself in shame," Daria added as she placed a tray before the Princess.
"What wonderful wit you girls display," Charlotte proclaimed in laughter. The maids were unsure if the Queen was speaking sarcastically given the previous times they displayed their wit. Some at the expense of the royal family. "And to think, young Augusta here believed you lacked personality. It appears that they have proven you wrong, young lady."
"Whatever," Augusta said in a highly disinterested tone. Her attention fixed upon the newspaper she now had in her hand. "Listen to this, mother. The House of Commons have elected a new Prime Minister. And he's my age, too."
"Augusta Sophia," Charlotte stated sternly. "What have I told you about bringing the subject of boys to the table during breakfast? And while we are on the subject, I would prefer it if you take no interest in William Pitt the Younger."
"Pitt the Younger?" Augusta repeated in a rather dreamy tone. "Sounds like a very nice name."
"I mean it, dear," Charlotte demanded. "That oily tick plans to bankrupt your brother. If only he weren't an elected official. Otherwise, we would make an ideal candidate for a display of public execution."
"Mother!" Augusta cried in complaint. "I can't believe you are saying such things about our new Prime Minister. Besides, he's right about George, you know." The Princess looked back down at the paper to read out some quotes. "I mean, listen to this. Prime Minister Pitt stated that in this year alone George spent 'fifty thousand pounds on banqueting, twenty thousand pounds on perfume, and an astonishing fifty-nine thousand pounds on socks.' Socks, mother."
"Need I remind you of how much you've spent on hats this year alone, young lady?" Charlotte questioned firmly. This was enough to make the Princess hang her head quietly. "That's what I thought. So George buys a lot of socks. I'm sure there's a very good reason for it. Nevertheless, the Prime Minister making it known that he wishes to do harm to the Prince Regent makes him an enemy of this family. You are therefore forbidden to even think positive thoughts about Pitt the Younger. Understand?"
"Yes, mother," Augusta muttered quietly under her breath.
"Good," Charlotte said, calming down to a more dignified manner. "Now finish your breakfast so that you may proceed with your history lessons, dear." The Queen then turned her attention away from her daughter to one of the maids. "Miss. Morgendorffer, may I have a word with you in private?"
"Yes, your highness," Daria answered with a curtsy. The maid followed the Queen out of the dining room and into an adjacent study room. "How may I be of service?"
"No doubt you and Miss. Lane witnessed what just happened in there," Charlotte began to say. "Painfully obvious to see that Augusta has taken quite a fascination in that little runt of a Prime Minister. Which means that, unless she is deterred, she will begin developing a romantic interest in him. And that is the absolute last thing we need under the circumstances."
"In short, you want me to make sure the Princess does not fall head over heels for Pitt the Younger," Daria summarized.
"Correct," Charlotte said. "Now, you have done exceptional in the past at preventing my daughter from proceeding forward with being courted by numerous would-be suitors when I have asked you to. I expect nothing less than similar results."
"Hmmm..." Daria thought aloud. "If I may say so, your grace. This might prove to be a little more difficult of a task than the previous times with the other would-be suitors."
"Explain yourself, Miss. Morgendorffer," Charlotte stated.
"Ma'am, there are a number of obstacles in place that will surely make handling the situation rather problematic," Daria said. "Unlike the previous suitors, Pitt the Younger is an elected politician. Which means he has the actual authority to back up the majority of whatever claim to power he has. And we are both well aware that the Princess likes those with power so she can manipulate them to her advantage."
"Quite," Charlotte agreed as she nodded.
"That's only the first obstacle, your majesty," Daria continued. "Another is that she has never actually met the Prime Minister. Which, in turn, will fuel her fascination as she starts piecing together in her mind, through the stories she reads and hears, what he may look and be like."
"Oh, dear God," Charlotte moaned in frustration. "I cannot bare the thought of her speaking aloud whatever wild fantasies she will dream up of him. Miss. Morgendorffer, it is imperative that you dissuade my daughter from such romantic inclinations."
"As I have pointed out, your highness, it will not be easy as it had been in past situations," Daria stated.
"Fine," Charlotte sighed. "I'll increase your pay. How does an extra thousand sound?"
"An extra thousand?" Daria questioned.
"Guineas," Charlotte clarified. The response she got from the maid was merely a raised brow. "Per month."
"I'll see what I can do, ma'am," Daria said.
"I expect nothing less than to see Augusta banish all positive thoughts of Pitt the Younger for the pay I'm giving you, Miss. Morgendorffer," Charlotte stated. "Now then, let us return to breakfast and see if leaving my daughter be with my supervision has made your job any more difficult than you claim it may be."
"Damn you're good, Daria," Jane stated as she began to scrub the next set of sheets. "Not only did you manage to get the Queen, of all people, to increase your pay in order to once again shatter the brat's pathetic attempt at a failed love-life, but you got her to pay you an extra thousand guineas. Per month, no less."
"I haven't got the bonus yet, Jane," Daria noted as she started hanging washed sheets on a clothes line. "There's the matter of accomplishing my objective before any discussion about increase pay can be made."
"Let's go over the details of the situation, shall we?" Jane asked. "Her spoiled highness has become fascinated with the newly elected Prime Minister. In large part because he is roughly her age and she apparently likes his plan to bankrupt her brother."
"A show of authority is what it is," Daria explained. "You know how the brat likes to associate with those in power just so she can wrap them around her little fingers. If I noticed correctly, I believe she may well be on her way in developing the mental image of Pitt the Younger as a result of how she said his name."
"And if she manages to start having those fantasies, you're in big trouble," Jane noted.
"Hopefully she hasn't reached that terrifying thought just yet," Daria stated. "That still doesn't provide me with the luxury of time, though. She needs to be disinterested in the Prime Minister long enough for her to forget all about him completely."
"Good luck with that," Jane said.
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence," Daria responded.
"So with all of this in mind, what pray tell is your plan of action?" Jane asked.
"It's not going to be easy," Daria began to answer. "First and foremost, I need to keep the Princess from reading the paper for a while. There's no question Pitt the Younger will be mentioned about in there for some time. Next thing I need to do is postpone all of her upcoming get-togethers with those trio of high society brats she hangs around with."
"I can't possibly imagine how you thought this was going to be difficult," Jane commented.
"Which is why I'm enlisting you," Daria stated. "I'll share half of my bonus if you can help me accomplish all of this."
"An extra five hundred guineas per month..." Jane thought aloud. "Tempting, very tempting..."
Daria sighed. "An extra five hundred guineas per month and I'll sneak you some of the drawing material the artistically challenged brat of a Princess rarely uses," she said.
"You just bought yourself an accomplice," Jane stated proudly.
"I couldn't be any happier," Daria noted in her droll tone.
"Restricting the brat from reading the paper for a while shouldn't be that hard for me to do," Jane said. "I just hate the fact that I need to wake up really early to get this done, though. Any way, I know exactly where the deliveries are made and which of the butlers does the retrieving. There will be no problems in keeping him for doing his job."
"Tell me you're not going to be sinking that low," Daria groaned.
"All I'm going to do is lift up my skirt for him," Jane responded with laughter.
"I'm beginning to think that bringing you on board was a complete mistake," Daria noted. "You risk being distracted from your duties because you're messing around with a butler. Who's next, the stable boy?"
"And you're the one accusing me for having a dirty mind when it comes to men," Jane commented.
"I know how to use these clothes pins as torture devices," Daria stated, holding up the object of note for Jane to see. "Speak another word and you'll find out just how dangerous I can be with them."
"I'll just have to take that risk, then," Jane said. "So we got the paper covered. What about the high society trio?"
"I do have an idea on how to take care of them," Daria replied as she resumed her work. "But it may end up becoming more complicated in practice than in theory. Remember when the Queen made that decree in which the Princess could not meet with the brats while she is in the middle of any one of her lessons?"
"Remember it?" Jane responded. "The way the Princess complained was the single most entertaining show of the last two years. At one point, I thought she was going to tear the palace down."
"The point is that we have to keep the spoiled brat occupied with her studies exclusively so that she won't have time to hang out with the other brats," Daria explained. "What we need to do is schedule her lessons in such a way that he gets little to no break period. What concerns me is whether the tutors will be able to go along with it for however long it lasts."
"Not to mention if they don't arrive as scheduled," Jane pointed out. "You know how some of them like to delay having to educate the brat for however long they can. Giving lessons to a teenage girl sounds like a punishment than an occupation."
"And you're not going to like what my plan for that is," Daria noted. Then she took a deep breath. "I need to keep watch on the Princess and serve her when she calls for it. That means some one has to keep the high society trio at bay should she find herself with free time due to the tutors wanting to delay the inevitable."
"Damn you, Daria," Jane cursed.
"Her highness thanks you for your time in educating her, ma'am," Daria said to the tutor as she lead her out of the door. "She looks forward to learning more from you tomorrow at the same time. Good day." Daria closed the door gently behind the tutor. She took a deep breath and turned back toward the interior of the room. "Well, your grace, I would dare say that went well."
"Miss. Morgendorffer, please," Princess Augusta whined, slouching in her seat and fanning herself with a folded piece of paper. "I am becoming quite exhausted. I need rest before the next lesson."
"I'm afraid that will not be possible, your highness," Daria stated. She walked over and began gathering up the materials used in the previous lesson. "Very shortly, you are to have your French lessons."
"French already?" Augusta continued to whine. "My goodness! It's like I am being taught every one of my lessons in a single day. How can I possibly keep up and get my lessons straight at this rate?"
"That unto itself is a lesson to be learned," Daria noted, setting the materials from the previous lesson and retrieving the materials needed for the next. "To be able to process an overwhelming amount of information and organize them properly with little time to do so. It is expected for one of royalty to be able to be able to have at least seven different topics of conversation prepared and ready to be used at a moments notice."
"Even French?" Augusta asked.
"Even French," Daria answered, placing the materials upon the table and organizing them properly. "Given tradition, you are likely to be in the presence of French diplomats. While they will no doubt be educated in speaking English, it is expected of you to be able to speak French as a gesture of good faith."
"I just hope mother doesn't try to pass me off as possible wife to some French Prince," Augusta muttered. "Unless he's cute. But I'm quite certain William is cuter." The silence Daria displayed did not go unnoticed by the Princess. "Oh, don't tell me, Miss. Morgendorffer. Mother wants you to put an end to my fancying of Pitt the Younger."
"It is not my place to say, your grace," Daria responded.
"And I bet that is the reason why I have not seen the paper for the past few days," Augusta stated. "The same with my suddenly having all my lessons taught in a single day. In fact, I haven't had any afternoon tea with my friends all week. If I didn't know any better, I would say that it has all been designed to prevent me from maintaining any thought about William for too long."
"If you say so, your highness," Daria commented.
"Of course I say so," Augusta proclaimed sternly. "Dash it all, Miss. Morgendorffer, why are my parents always continuing to pry into my love life? Father, despite being as mad as a balloon, forbids me from ever marrying, and mother is very picky about which suitors would make appropriate husbands."
"They are just concerned about your well being," Daria said. "If I recall the gossip going around on the streets, a British Princess like yourself was a prize for any male to claim for a wife. Most especially since your mother is so fertile."
"A prize?" Augusta questioned with a raised brow. "Me?" She thought for a moment and then began to giggle. "This is wonderful! So many boys smitten with me. I bet there's been a lot of fighting about who would court me first."
"I have no doubt," Daria whispered under her breath, crossing her arms over her chest.
"I wonder if William is smitten with me," Augusta thought aloud. She then let out a loving sigh. "He is sure to be cute, if not handsome or dashing. He would have to be for him to be Prime Minister, I bet."
"Damn," Daria cursed quietly. "Starting to fantasize..."
"By the way, Miss. Morgendorffer," Augusta said. "Even though I have not seen the paper for days, I can still catch wind of news from the other butlers and maids. It is my understanding that my brother tried to buy one of the Parliament seats to oppose William's plan to strike him from the Civil List. Apparently, the seat representing Dunny-on-the-Wold was open following the sudden demise of Sir Buxomley and managed to rig the election so that his candidate would defeat William's little brother."
"I wonder what name he got as brother of Pitt the Younger," Daria noted aloud, positioning herself to look like she was thinking. "Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"
"How could you be so cruel about such a poor, innocent little boy wanting to be in politics like his cute brother?" Augusta asked in a complaining tone. "You're acting as heartless as I'm sure my brother was. I don't care that he's the Prince Regent, that's still a mean thing to do. Oh well, at least it was all for naught."
"What do you mean, your grace?" Daria questioned curiously.
"His man still voted against him," Augusta answered rather proudly. "Oh sure, the House of Lords will probably never let the bill pass. But the fact that William got the best of him makes him sound all the more dreamy."
"If you say so, your highness," Daria grumbled quietly in disgust.
Daria quickly entered the room and closed the door within a matter of seconds. She leaned up against the door and took a deep breath. Collecting her senses, she looked up to see Jane sitting on her bed. The other maid was glaring back at her, no doubt in a horrible state of brooding. And with good reason.
"I... hate... you..." Jane muttered.
"Just keep thinking to yourself about the reward for all of this, Jane," Daria said in response. "You're getting an extra five hundred guineas and some new art supplies to endure so much suffering."
"The first few days were bad enough, Daria," Jane grumbled. "But today... was the absolute worst."
"They didn't," Daria sighed.
"Yes... they did..." Jane whispered. "They talked about puppies. Cute, precious little puppies they wanted to hug. Remarking just how unbelievably cute those little fur balls are. And fuzzy, too." She begins to shutter. "The horror, Daria. The horror..."
"Just be glad her highness wasn't part of the conversation," Daria said as she shuffled her way over to the closet. "The psychological damage you're feeling now would pale in comparison to five minutes of her squealing about puppies."
"No more, Daria, no more," Jane begged, burying her face in her hands.
"Oh, it gets worse," Daria stated as she picked out a casual street dress from the closet. "Thanks to a bunch of butlers and maids who apparently are not familiar with the concept of keeping their mouths shut, her highness still managed to overhear whatever news about the Prime Minister she could pick up."
"You mean to tell me I am going to have nightmares about puppies for God knows how long for nothing?" Jane asked in horror upon looking up at the other maid.
"I'm afraid so," Daria answered, beginning to change from her work clothes into the street dress. "Despite the Prince Regent planting a bribed candidate in the House of Commons, they voted in support of Pitt the Younger in striking the brat's brother from the Civil List. While the House of Lords will never let it pass, the Princess is now completely infatuated with the Prime Minister."
"How could they do this to us?" Jane complained, shaking her fist. "They leave me alone, I leave them alone. No side interferes with the other. That was the agreement. Those other maids and butlers are breaking their words!"
"And to top it all off, the brat has started fantasizing," Daria concluded. Having finished changing clothes, she let out a heavy sigh as she sat upon her bed. "The sad part is that she hasn't even met the damn bastard."
"Guess we can kiss all of that bonus pay goodbye," Jane commented. "I should be comforted with the fact that you still owe me her art supplies, but I may find myself using it all up in an attempt to remedy that which I have been mentally scared by." Jane then finally took a moment to look at Daria. "You're quitting?"
"Not yet," Daria answered. "I managed to talk the Queen into letting me have my break early. Told her that it would help me take the time to devise some master plan to rid the Princess of her longing for the Prime Minister."
"But you're not going to do that, are you?" Jane questioned with a raised eye brow.
"Not even the slightest," Daria replied, getting up from the bed. "I'm going to Mrs. Miggins' and get myself drunk."
"Couldn't you have talked the Queen into letting me go with you?" Jane pleaded.
"Are you kidding?" Daria retorted as she made her way to the door. "I was lucky enough to get her to agree to letting me get my break early in the first place. I'll see you back here before we have to serve dinner." She slowly opened the door and exited the room. Leaving Jane all by her lonesome self.
"Fine!" Jane stated in a mock tone of whining. "Go on, leave me here to rot in my suffering. Force me to do the bidding of those uptight twits without you. May you burn in hell for this, you witch!" Quite suddenly, the bell began to ring. Signifying that she was needed to serve the royal family. "Damn..."
Daria entered the coffee shoppe and immediately at herself down at the empty counter. She was rather glad that it was empty of patrons. The only other person being the shoppekeeper herself. An old fool of a woman with hair as crusty and yellow as her teeth who just happened to be pretty decent at cooking.
"Good day, Mrs. Miggins," Daria said.
"Good day to you, Miss. Morgendorffer," Mrs. Miggins responded with a smile. An ugly one, whether she realized it or not. "What will it be today, deary?"
"The usual," Daria answered.
"The usual for which occasion?" Mrs. Miggins asked.
"The kind that makes me want to stick this toasting fork through head," Daria replied, tapping a finger on the noted object.
"Say no more," Mrs. Miggins stated with a nod. "I'll have it ready in a jiffy, love." The shoppekeeper went to the back into the kitchen to whip up the usual.
"Thanks, Mrs. Miggins," Daria called out. With a sigh, she slightly crossed her arms and placed them on the counter. She then rested her head upon her arms and relaxed a little.
It was then that the door opened and some one new had entered. Daria managed to look behind her enough to catch a glimpse of who it was. A seemingly tall and slender man with a permanent scowl on his face and clothing worn in an attempt to make him appear of a greater social status than he really was.
"Mr. Blackadder," Daria said.
"Ah, Miss. Morgendorffer," Blackadder responded as he took off his hat and sat himself next to her. "Fancy seeing you out and about this time of day. Am I to assume that her royal highness is on another of her incongruous shopping sprees?"
"If only, Blackadder," Daria replied. She thought for a moment and then gave out a rather heavy sigh. "I'd hate to ask, but I'm in need of some advice in regards to the brat."
"Is that so?" Blackadder asked, raising a curious brow. He shifted in his seat so that he was facing her directly. "Did she change her religion so suddenly again because of a dress she wore?"
"I'm afraid it is much worse than that," Daria answered. Then she let out a heavy sigh. "The Princess has started to grow ever more smitten with the newly appointed Prime Minister recently. An act that does not sit well with her mother, who in turn has called upon me to prevent the spoiled brat from proceeding further with such romantic inclinations."
"Princess Augusta infatuated with Pitt the Younger, eh," Blackadder noted. He then let out a painful groan. "Oh God. What has this world come to, Morgendorffer? It's bad enough feeble minded schizophrenics like the Prince Regent are running the show. Now their equally minded siblings are besotted with unwarranted affection for prepubescents like our Prime Minister."
"He's that young?" Daria quipped, herself raising a curious brow.
"Well, yes," Blackadder responded. "He revealed as much as I was willing to listen the other night while vaunting his not-so-complicated achievement in causing a seemingly ingenious plan to backfire. He summed it up best with the first line of what will no doubt be an illuminating poem he wrote about it. 'Why do nice girls hate me?' Tragic, really."
"Hmmm..." Daria uttered, giving some to thought to what she had just heard. She then sat up straight with a smirk forming on her uncolored lips. "You know, I think I may have figured out a way to solve my problem."
"Is that so," Blackadder mused. "Well, at least that makes one of us. I have a dogsbody to personally guillotine as a result of a mess he's gotten me into, but I'd rather not do so the conventional way. So I'm inviting Mrs. Miggins over to cook up a private dinner for one. It's not going to elucidate my problem, but it will help ease a bit of the suffering."
"Perhaps you can invite my friend Jane to partake in the proceedings," Daria suggested. "I regrettably dragged her into helping me out and has been mentally hampered as a result."
"Miss. Lane?" Blackadder asked for clarification. He thought for a moment and then shook his head. "I'm afraid this is a meal percolated specifically for one. Me."
"As I thought," Daria said. "Speaking of her, she recently made quite an interesting observation about you."
"Did she," Blackadder noted. "Let me guess. She christened me to be an abhorrent piece of dregs who makes Napoleon Bonaparte look like Robin Hood in that he is merely taking land from the rich aristocrats and giving them to the poor French midget who is physically handicapped with tucking his hand into his shirt."
"Almost," Daria responded. "She came up with this notion that perhaps you were the man I had been waiting all my life for to court me and whisk me away to a far away land where we could make babies."
"Miss. Lane has, unfortunately, conjured up a rather ludicrous proposal," Blackadder stated. "You are a maid, Morgendorffer. And therefore incapable to aggrandize my social status even one step."
"I told her the same thing," Daria commented. "Just not in those exact words."
"Glad that at least you and I have come to an understanding, then," Blackadder noted. "Now where the devil is Miggins? If I don't return soon, my dinner will either run off from beneath my nose or worse. He will add to my problems by trying to proceeding further with his delusive attempt at being a politician."
In the morning, Princess Augusta marched from room to room until she found her mother. Queen Charlotte was having a late breakfast being served by Daria and Jane in the dining room when Augusta sat herself in a chair next to the elder woman. She appeared in a huff and had immediately crossed her arms over her chest.
"Well, mother," Augusta stated rather firmly. "You need not have to worry about my fascination with Pitt the Younger any more. I am so over him."
"Augusta, sweetie, I am glad to hear you say that," Charlotte said, sighing in relief.
"As a matter of fact, I would appreciate it if no one mentions him ever again," Augusta noted. After a brief moment to take a deep breath, she dropped her stern presence and shifted to her regular personality. "So any way, can I have an extension on my allowance? I need to clear my head by shopping for new clothes to replace that ones I've outgrown."
"We will discuss that later," Charlotte responded, narrowing her eyes. "But right now, it's time for your piano lessons, young lady."
"Piano lessons?" Augusta whined. She sulk for a moment. However, she seemed to realize that there would be little for her to do or say that could get her out of the predicament. "Fine." The Princess stood up and immediately marched out of the room.
"I can't thank you enough in putting an end to the situation, Miss. Morgendorffer," Charlotte said to the maid.
"It's what you pay me for, your highness," Daria noted. "And since we're on the subject-"
"I'll make sure to include the bonus in your next payment," Charlotte quickly proclaimed. She then got up from her seat and started to make her way out of the room. "Now, if you'll excuse me. I need a drink." Once the Queen had departed, the maids began to clean up after her.
"So how did you manage to end the brat's interest in the Prime Minister?" Jane asked.
"Simple," Daria replied. "I got them to meet face to face the other night."
"That was the remedy?" Jane questioned further with a raised brow.
"Blackadder mentioned what a nauseating adolescent our Prime Minister was," Daria began to explain. "Just the right kind of personality that would be very off-putting for the spoiled Princess, who wants her suitors to be nothing less than handsome hunks and not a scrawny geek going through puberty."
"No kidding," Jane said. Her tone of voice leading the other maid to suspect that she was impressed. "You got a little help from Blackadder, eh? This I have got to hear."
"There's nothing to hear, Jane," Daria stated. "He appeared in Mrs. Miggins', I asked him for some advice, he gave me helpful information, he dejected your notion of him courting me, end of story."
"I bet he's just in denial," Jane teased. "Just like you are, deary."
"Keep it up and I'll deny you your right to think consciously," Daria commented. "Either that, or I won't give you the art supplies I'm supposed to steal from the brat for helping me out."
"Curses," Jane said, shaking her fist mockingly at the other maid. "Foiled by your intelligence once again. Some day, Daria, I will get you. When you least expect it, I will get you."
"I am overcome with fear," Daria responded sarcastically.
"Oh, that reminds me," Jane announced. "Did you hear what Blackadder's dogsbody did the other day?"
"Do I look like someone who could tolerate knowing anything that Baldrick does and not be terrified?" Daria retorted.
"This one won't actually give you nightmares," Jane stated with assurance. "So the Prince Regent made him a Lord for some stupid reason. He also gave him four hundred thousand pounds, also for some stupid reason. But here's the kicker. Baldrick spent all that money on a giant turnip for the stupid reason that it is his dream turnip."
"You don't say," Daria said.
"It gets better," Jane added. "He had to haggle for it."
"I have to admit, I'm impressed at how much more pathetic a human being could possibly get," Daria proclaimed.
"That some one would take the time and dedication to grow a giant turnip?" Jane asked.
"That any one would be willing to haggle for a turnip, no matter the size," Daria responded.
BENEFIT of SEVERAL VIEWERS
Much admir'd Comedy
DISH AND DISHONESTY
was performed with appropriate Scenery Dresses etc.
maid to the Princess,
Miss. DARIA MORGENDORFFER.
Jane Lane, also maid to the Princess, Miss. JANE LANE.
Princess Augusta, her highness, Miss. QUINN MORGENDORFFER.
Queen Charlotte, her majesty, Mrs. HELEN MORGENDORFFER.
Mrs. Miggins, a coffee shoppekeeper, Miss. HELEN ATKINSON-WOOD.
Edmund Blackadder, butler to the Prince, Mr. ROWAN ATKINSON.
Footnotes to History
 - The English Regency took place between 1811 and 1820. In Blackadder the Third, it took place anywhere between 1755 and 1805 due to the historical events and situations used throughout the series.
 - Princess Augusta Sophia (1768-1840), the second daughter of six and the sixth child of fifteen to King George III and Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz, was actually in her forties during the English Regency. Augusta was selected as the Princess for this story due in part to her having personalities that resemble the closest to Quinn. She had been called "the handsomest of all the Princesses" while also remarked as being "childish" when compared to her older sister Queen Charlotte of Württemberg.
 - William Pitt the Younger (1759-1806) first became Prime Minister of Great Britain in 1783. At the age of 24, he was the youngest elected to the position at the time. Furthermore, he died five years before the English Regency. In Blackadder the Third, he was a petulant teenager who became Prime Minister "right in the middle of (his) exams."
To conclude with Rule Britannia in full chorus
NO MONEY RETURN'D