Warning: This story is rated M for language, lemons, and other 'mature' stuff. Please don't read if you're not an adult. I don't want to be responsible for your emotional scarring. I've got my own kiddos for that.

Reposted after an amazing beta job by the one and only Jasper's Destiny.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight. *Le sigh*

Chapter 1: So a Vampire Walks Into a Bar

Peter's POV

So a vampire walks into a bar…. Now, I know what you're thinkin' - Is this the joke that ends with the gorilla and the priest gettin' it on in the men's room? To that I'd have to answer, "Hell no, you nasty fucker." This is the story of my path to my true mate.

"What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk?" My voice was deep and husky as I pressed up against her and whispered the most ridiculous pick up line ever uttered in an ear this beautiful.

This all began nineteen years ago.

So there I was, sitting in my chair with my wife perched on my lap. It was the closest she'd get to the damn thing - the chair; not my lap. As if the ugly was contagious and would leap off the fabric and cling to her marble skin. Again, the chair; not my lap. My favorite chair was a recliner in a unique shade of greenish-brown tweed with specks of orange and blue running through it. I had purchased it back in the sixties, and it had held up beautifully. It always kept that perfect imprint, so when I sat down it was like it was welcomin' my ass home.

Anytime someone entered our home, Charlotte would issue her disclaimer: "And that's Peter's chair." It would be said with a sneer, and with her nose upturned, and it would leave no doubt of her distaste for my little slice of heaven. The fact that she was anywhere near the damned thing only gave evidence of her animosity toward our house guests; her glaring was exhibit number two.

We had been listening to Alice regale us with the details of their latest honeymoon for the past two hours - two hours of my eternal life that I would mourn because I wasn't gettin' that shit back. Five years ago, I spent seven hours and twenty-two minutes watching paint dry. I watched every minute of it with rapt attention, and as the colors shifted during the final stage of drying, I leapt up and cheered. I clapped and fuckin' cheered! I didn't have a Nintendo yet obviously. My point, though, is that I didn't - and still don't - consider that a waste of time. After all, time is something I have in spades. But listening to her inventory of the shops she'd visited in Paris… I want my fuckin' two hours back.

So here I am daydreamin' about the scum I'm gonna take out as soon as she stops for a moment. Hell, at this point I'm not even sure how she's drawing in the breath needed to talk. I debate between the banger with the O-neg and the crack dealer I've been casing with the heroin-laced A-positive. If I have to wait much longer, I might drain both as a reward for my good fucking behavior. Vampires don't get cookies.

Suddenly the pixie's eyes glaze over and a Cheshire cat smile takes up residence on a good portion of her petite face. And as I revel in the silence, the corners of my own mouth turn up. I don't care what the fuck she's seeing. Whatever it is, it's a win because it's stopped her receipt recital. Jasper, her mate, looks increasingly confused, and I can only assume it's from the emotions she's displaying.

I'm actually thrilled that my brother and his wife have dropped by, but the fact that Alice and Charlotte don't exactly get along (note the biggest fucking understatement of the year) has guaranteed to make my life take on a distinctly hellish quality for the next few weeks. But to spend time with the Major, it was worth it - even if my dick disagreed.

"Petey, why don't you take me hunting? Jazz and Charlotte can find something to keep them occupied, I'm sure." Alice smirked as I growled a bit. I have no problem sharing my mate with someone I trust, but I prefer to be present. The fucker just smirked at my slight protest.

"Have fun, darlin'," he whispered to Alice, patting her ass as we walked out the door. Their bond was so strong, it was almost an entity all its own. I was man enough to admit that it made me jealous. I'd thought I'd found that with my mate - that unconditional and irrevocable bond that all mates are supposed to have - but as the years went by, I wasn't so sure anymore.

"Don't worry, Petey." I hated it when Alice called me that, and she knew it. "You'll have what you want some day."

I quirked my brow, but as I opened my mouth, a thought struck like lightning… and I knew. It was like the knowledge had always been there, but I knew for a damned fact that this shit was new. Charlotte wasn't my mate. She loved me enough to stay with me after she'd used me to get away from Maria, but she wasn't my true mate. Dear, sweet fuckin' baby Jesus.

What the fuck? My life was based on a lie. Every truth I'd held to be true was now under question. It was too much.

I had to stop and sit down for a minute. My chest was rising and falling rapidly, but I felt like I couldn't get enough air. The trees around our property were spinning, and I briefly wondered if I was going to pass out. Then I called myself a fuckin' idiot because I was a vampire having a panic attack. Hello, ridiculous and absurd situation! Yeah, it's me again. Peter.

All I saw was a blur before her spiked hair was ticklin' my chin. She had me in her tight embrace, and once again I was glad that my brother had found such a good female for a mate."You saw this happen, huh?" I already knew the answer, but I needed someone to confirm that this shit now in my head was actually for real.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. It would have changed too much, but I've known for quite some time. Jazz does too." She was pleading with me to understand her reasoning for this huge lie by omission, and I did. A power like hers is a huge burden to carry. To quote the webbed wonder, "With great power comes great responsibility."

I squeezed her shoulder gently in acknowledgement. "What now?" She sat down next to me, gracefully folding her slender limbs beneath her.

"You know it doesn't work like that. I don't see anything until you make a decision," she scolded me lightly.

"You saw this, didn't you!" I knew what her answer would be because we'd debated this point for years. Years of waxing philosophical had ended in no answer and us agreeing to disagree.

"Some things are as set as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. Others change constantly, moving and flowing like a river to the ocean." Alice ended her familiar speech with her peal of bell-like laughter. She reminded me of an innocent child, happy and care-free. Of course, knowing my brother as I do, I knew she was just damn good at hiding her freak flag. Just because she didn't always fly it, didn't mean she didn't have it. "If you're honest with yourself, you'd know that you've never loved Charlotte like a true mate. You've both filled each other's needs well, but now you need to decide if that will be enough for the rest of your forever together. If it is enough for you, then you push this disturbing truth to the deepest recesses of your mind and leave it there, allowing you both to get on with your lives. If not…" I waited, entirely too eager for any man with pride, for her to continue, but she trailed off. After a few minutes, I got impatient.

"'If not…?' What if it's not? What if it's not enough? What if I want more?" I hated the pleading desperation in my voice, but I had a feeling this was why they'd suddenly decided after two decades that today would be a good day to drop in unannounced. She was my own little Fairy God Midget.

"Then you part ways. Those are your choices as far as I can see them. Two paths are laid out before you, and you have to choose one soon or the other will be lost to you. That's all I'm telling you. It has to be your choice, or else you'll end up all bitter, and our kind isn't allowed to air our dirt on Oprah. Besides, the lighting is all wrong for our pallor." Finishing her tangent, she got back to my crisis, "It's your choice alone because you are the one who has to live with it."

"Tink, there's one thing I have to know. Did you put me through that verbal slide show of Paris to postpone my hunt so we'd go together?" She stood and turned toward me with a mischievous glean in her puppy-dog eyes.

"You didn't enjoy that?" And with a maniacal chuckle to match the gleam, the evil sprite took off toward the city. I followed closely, right on her imported, French heels.

Though I was unaware of it at the time, I'd made my choice already. My hunt, guided by my prophetic pixie, cemented my future, and that path, though long and lonely, was worth it because it had led me to tonight.

"We're goin' out, fucker. Ali said no complainin', and wear the outfit she laid out on your bed." The bastard walked away, smirking, although why, I'm not sure. Who does he think chooses his preppy ass threads? "She's my wife! It's different."

"Whatever. Let's get this over with." At least I was going to get to wear my favorite black, steel-toed shit kickers. But leather pants? Now I'm suspicious. Damn. What is that pixie up to?

Making our way to the rundown neighborhood bar outside of Phoenix, I had a feeling that tonight would change my life. It was like we were meant to be here tonight. We took the booth in the back corner and waited - for what, I didn't know - but for the first time in twenty years, I had hope. Not just the 'I'm getting laid tonight' excitement, but honest to God hope.

Charlotte and I had parted ways pleasantly enough. We even had a nice tumble in the sheets and a quickie against the door before she packed a few bags and took off. I hadn't heard from her since, but a couple of decades were nothing to an immortal. When content or busy, twenty years seems like a few months.

I'd roamed around a bit, but nothin' would keep my interest for long, so I'd move along. Every few years I'd meet up with Jazz and his better half. This time it felt like déjà vu. I'd just parked my ass in its custom-made spot on my favorite chair when they knocked on my door, and just like last time, I had a feelin' there was more to this than mere coincidence. Nothing is ever a coincidence when Alice is involved.

Now here I sit, waiting, pretending to nurse the ice cold long neck in my hand while Jasper and Alice two-step way too gracefully for kicker dancing in a hick bar across the dance floor.

And then it happened. You know that absurd moment you scoff at when you here other people describe it? Love at first sight and shit? I had never experienced anything like this. I literally felt pulled toward her, Newton's Law of Gravity be damned. I gripped the table, making indentations in the wood, and resisted the urge to throw her on the bar and ravage her. Of course, it had been twenty years since I'd had any game besides handball, so I'd probably just make a damn fool of myself anyway. The thought of being a one-pump chump with that angel cooled me off quick.

She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. The best part was that it was all natural, and she didn't seem to know how exquisite she was. She gave off an aura of confidence but not conceit. Long brown locks cascaded down in large curls, coming to a rest at the small of her exposed back. Her creamy skin glowed in contrast to the blood red halter top she was wearing, which she'd paired with tight, dark wash jeans and black, high-heeled fuck-me boots.

I watched fervently from across the smoky, crowded bar as human after human approached her, only to be shut down kindly but leaving no doubt. She was not here for company, but that's all I had wanted the second I set my sights on her - her company. Christ, her anything, as long as she was with me.

"See somethin' you like?" Fucking Empath. Besides the classic 'fuck-you salute', I didn't respond to his antagonizing.

"If you like her, why not just talk to her?" It was such a woman thing to say.

"I don't like her. She's a fuckin' human. And I don't eat innocents."

"Oh. Too bad for her. I'm sure you know how to work that tongue." See, this is what I'm talkin' about. Normal female one minute, the next she's a super freak who is super freaky.

"How 'bout a small wager then? After all, you've got nothin' to lose. You don't even like her, and you've never been one to play with your food." This bastard was throwin' down the gauntlet, but he was mistaken if he thought I wouldn't rise to the occasion. Hell, I'd been at half mast since she walked into the bar.

"What are the stakes?" I tried to mask my nervousness with lust. Judging by his smirk, I was not successful.

"Simple. If you fail or bail, you get to be Alice's bag boy for forty-eight hours of her choosing." Simple, my ass. This fucker was tryin' to kill me and get out of gopher duty all at the same time. Damn, I hoped Tink hadn't given him some help on the outcome here.

"Fine. But if I win, no sex for a week, and that includes self-lovin'." I smirked as we shook on it. This would be like takin' eggs from a hen. Although, when his smirk expanded to a toothy grin, I got a little worried.

"Of course, for this to be a challenge, we have to even the field. Let's say you have to pick her up by using the worst line you can think of. No disorientating her or using prey bait." I wasn't going to be a pussy about it, but fuck if I wanted to be the pixie's slave either.

As I sauntered across the bar, I felt like a teenager again. I could feel the phantom sweat on my palms and the ghost of my pulse pounding in my head. My unneeded breath quickened. I turned slightly to retreat but stopped short as Alice's high voice floated through the den of noise. "If you don't want to be a minute-man forever, you have to pony up. Just remember that over-excitement leads to premature discharge." The people sitting at the tables near ours broke into spontaneous laughter - at what, I'm sure they had no clue. That fucker must have found this really funny to lose control, even momentarily.

Continuing my trek across the crowded bar to her and trying to muster some confidence that normally came naturally, I knew that there was a lot ridin' on this sucker bet.

Guess it's time to giddy the fuck up.

AN AGAIN: Review!

The character Peter Whitlock was developed by IdreamofEddy. She brought his gift and his personality to life first (and better...).