Title: Not In the Right State of Mind
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Xander has bipolar and has to learn how to deal with it.
Plot Bunny by:Lady Q: Xander has depression
Note: All the symptoms mentioned are actual symptoms to depression/bipolar.
Beta'd by: Dragonfly_64
Spike rushed into the kitchen grabbing Xander's anxiety pills. Xander had received a call from his boss two weeks later letting him know that the site was ready to reopen the following day. So now Xander was in full panic mode. "Here pet, take these. It'll help."
Xander accepted the pills swallowing them with water. "Spike, I can't do it. I can't go."
"Hush now, Xan," Spike sat beside him pulling him into a hug. "It'll all be fine."
"No it's not. I'm going to have to tell them about this and these guys like to gossip more than the girls do! It'll be all over the site before lunch." Xander told Spike breathing hard. "They'll all treat me different like I'm crazy and they'll be scared that I'll snap and go one a killing spree or jump off a scaffold!"
Spike frowned; now worried that something like that would happen and set Xander back. The meds seemed to be helping and luckily none of the worst side effects showed up. When a week went by with no problems and Xander seemed more like himself, Spike said that he would be off and out of Xander's hair. He didn't expect the reaction he got; Xander had first started breathing hard before tears sprung from his eyes. He wept saying that Spike was leaving him and that he'd be alone. Hating to see his Xander like that he agreed to stay indefinitely until Xander felt comfortable enough to stay alone.
"You can't hide yourself away from the world, pet," Spike said softly.
"Why not?" Xander sniffled. "Worlds changing; people don't even have to go out to buy groceries anymore. Willow is always saying the internet is the way of the future."
"Because it isn't going to help you none," Spike explained to him. "We've been getting you to go out a little more; do you really want that progress to mean nothing?"
Xander buried his head into the crook of Spike's neck, "I'm scared."
"I know you are, luv," Spike couldn't help but feel bad for pushing Xander to do this. But as much as he'd love for Xander do stay with him constantly it wasn't good for his health. "How about we call the girls and we'll get them to visit you at your lunch break? Have them make sure you're alright. If you're not, we'll make an appointment with the doc and see what he has to say, alright?"
"You're not getting sick of me, are you?" Xander mumbled into Spike's neck.
Spike made Xander look at him, "Xander, if I was getting sick of you do you think I'd still be here? I know I can walk out that door at any bloody time. I'm planning to stay to make sure you stay safe."
Xander gave him a watery smile, "Thanks, Spike. I don't know how I can repay you."
"How about we go out tonight?" Spike suggested. He wanted to make sure that Xander was calm enough to actually sleep. If he was to be working around with machinery he'd need to be focused.
"Where?" Xander asked looking worried and about to start another panic attack.
By Xander's reaction that crossed out the Bronze and Espresso Pump. He'd have to think of something, "We'll figure that out. Why don't you phone up the girls and see if they want to have lunch?"
"I guess," Xander replied. "You should probably get some more sleep anyways. You got in late."
Spike gave Xander one more hug before tugging him off the couch and pushing him in the direction of the bathroom. "You shower and I'll phone them for you."
Xander gave his arm pit a sniff making Spike laugh, "I don't smell."
"To me you do," Spike tapped his own nose.
"Meanie," Xander grumbled good-naturally and closed the door behind him.
Xander picked a back booth at the Double Meat Palace to eat at. The girls had agreed to meet him; they were both shocked to hear him ask them to go out in the middle of the day where Spike couldn't go. It had seemed that Spike had become Xander's guardian angel of sorts, always there when Xander needed him.
"Spike let you out to play, huh?" Willow joked as she sat beside him and took a drink of her soda.
"It was actually his idea," Xander blushed. "I'm sorry I haven't really spend much alone time with you guys."
Buffy placed a hand over Xander's, "Don't worry about. I can't believe I'm going to say this but I'm really glad Spike's been around for you."
"Me too," Xander replied with a smile. "He wants to start training me soon. As soon as
I figure out if I can handle going back to work."
"If you can't that just means you need a little more time," Willow said supportively. "It's understandable this is such a huge adjustment for you."
Xander nodded in agreement, "Spike wants to go out tonight help me get my mind off the big knot I have in my stomach."
"Is it a date?" Buffy asked, she knew she wasn't the smartest person but you'd have to be blind not to see how much Spike truly cared about Xander.
"No," Xander replied playing with a fry. "Why would he want to date a nut job?"
Willow slapped him upside the head none to gently, "You are not a nut job. Even if you were, he was with Drusilla for over a hundred years."
"I bet he wants it to be a date," Buffy went on with a smile. "I can't believe I am saying this but I think you'd make a cute couple. He isn't so annoying when he's around anymore."
Xander couldn't help but laugh, "So you want us to hook up so he isn't as annoying?"
"That would be a big plus," Buffy said with a grin. "You should ask him when you get back."
"I don't even know if it is even a good time to even start dating," Xander told them with all seriousness.
"Have you even thought that maybe it's what you need?" Willow asked. "He'll help you and you know it. Plus he makes you happy."
Xander shoved a fry into his mouth, "He does make me happy." He replied with a smile.
An hour later Xander found himself back at the apartment where Spike was watching Jerry Springer. "What's the topic today?" Xander asked as he flopped down on the couch.
"'I'm sorry to tell you but I'm really a man and I'm dating your brother.'" Spike snorted in amusement before turning the television off. "So how was lunch?"
"It was good, we talked about… stuff." Xander replied.
Spike raised an eyebrow with interest, "What kind of stuff?"
"Um… you stuff," Xander admitted looking childish.
"What kind of me stuff?" Spike couldn't help but become worried. What did the girls tell him? After all Spike's done for their friend how could they go and tell Xander whatever it was that they told him?
"Well… nothing don't worry about it," Xander changed his mind on telling Spike. It was nice having Spike around and he didn't want to chance embarrassing Spike and then have him leaving.
Spike stood and began to pace, "Nothing? Those bints have been telling you lies, haven't they? What that I'm only here for the bloody satellite and blood? Let me guess, they think you should kick me to the curb."
"What? No…" Xander couldn't believe that Spike actually thought that.
"And you being you agree with them," Spike growled shifting into his vamp face. "Can't bloody well think for yourself!"
"Spike," Xander stood up and stared at Spike hurt and confusion covered his face. "What the hell are you talking about?"
Spike in turned looked confused, "You want me out of here and you're just too bloody nice to say so."
"For a smart vampire you are very dumb," Xander informed him with a small smile.
"Am not," Spike stated stubbornly and crossed his arms.
Xander's smile widened, "Are too."
"Am not," Spike's bottom lip popped out. He had absolutely no idea what was going on.
Xander stepped closer to Spike and looked seriously at him, "I don't want you to leave and the girls didn't tell me to get rid of you."
"Then why were you talking about me?" Spike asked suspiciously.
"Because they think we should be a couple," Xander answered blushing bright red. "Buffy says you're not as annoying now."
"They were telling you to get involved with a vampire?" Spike questioned his eyes wide. "What were you all smoking?" He leaned in sniffing Xander for any kind of drugs besides his own. "And Buffy's the annoying one not me."
Xander slapped Spike upside the head, "I don't do those kinds of drugs." He then frowned, "So you think it's dumb."
"Didn't say that now did I pet?" Spike raised an eyebrow. "Such a negative one, aren't you?"
"Being negative is easy," Xander shrugged. "No expectation means you don't lose."
Spike laughed, "That's bloody nonsense you know that? If it wouldn't have been for the girls talking about us hooking up you never would have told me, yeah?" Xander nodded. "Then I probably never would have done this," Spike said before placing his lips against Xander's. It was a big risk on his part, considering Xander never even said he was interested in Spike.
When they pulled away Xander looked dazed and confused, "You just kissed me."
Spike couldn't help but look amused, "That I did, you got a problem with that?"
"Not so much," Xander replied and returned the kiss. "So you want to get involved with a basket case?"
"Nothing new for me pet," Spike replied. "I guess I like my pretties a little nutty."
"I'm not sure how I should take that," Xander said looking confused again.
Spike gently banged his forehead against Xander's, "Not an insult, far from it, Xan."
"Well if being bonkers is what it takes to have you, maybe it's not all that bad," Xander replied with a smile.
"Not bonkers, still the same pain in the arse you've always been. Just needed a little help to get back on track is all." Spike assured Xander and kissed his forehead. "Does this mean I'm gonna have to be nice to the slayer?"
"Yup, you guys are going to be the best of friends! You'll talk about your feelings and boyfriends and even eat ice cream together." Xander said with a straight face.
Spike eyes narrowed slightly, "That's not funny, luv. I'm gonna be the first bloody vampire to have nightmares about sharing a pint with the slayer!" He shuddered in disgust.
Xander snickered, "I think things can stay how it is now. No trying to kill each other and no taking shots at each other's past lovers. I could not ask for anything more than that."
"Good, cause it wouldn't happen," Spike told him as another shudder ran through him making Xander laugh.
The next morning didn't go as well as Spike had hoped. After a night out at a very exclusive demon diner, something Xander was not impressed with until he took a bite of his medium rare steak. Xander actually drooled a little bit before devouring the rest. Spike promised to bring Xander back again.
But now Xander was running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to remember where he put his work boots and tools and his mind because what the hell was he thinking? He wasn't ready for this!
"Xander, breath!" Spike said firmly as he shook Xander slightly.
Xander had started having another panic attack and didn't even realize it. Taking a few deep breathes, he looked at Spike letting him know he was okay, "Sorry."
Spike pulled him into a tight hug, "Nothing to apologize for. I know this is tough and I'm down right proud of you."
"Because I'm going to work?" Xander asked.
"Because you're scared shitless and you're still doing it," Spike informed him.
Xander couldn't help but smile; never had he had someone so proud of him over such a tiny thing. He couldn't say he hated it. "Can I call you at lunch?"
"You better, don't make me track you down. You know how much I hate traveling in the damn sewers." Spike told him. He wanted Xander to know he wasn't alone in this. "It'll be fine though. You'll get back into the groove and forget what you were worried about in the first place."
"The groove?" Xander looked shocked at the words that came out of Spike's mouth.
Spike shrugged looking slightly embarrassed, "First thing that came to me. You got your Alpraz with you?"
"Yeah," Xander said with a nod and looked at the time. "I should head out or I'll be late." He stated but didn't move. It was Spike who had to guide him to the door.
"You'll be fine. Anything happens, you phone the watcher and tell him to come get you." Spike demanded; he wanted Xander to do this but not if it was going to set him back.
Xander nodded again and kissed Spike which calmed him down some. "I'll see you later?"
"Not going anywhere," Spike shook his head. He was going to have to drill that into his boy's head. Oh well he had plenty of time to do that.
It wasn't until after five when Xander returned home looking exhausted. "Honey, I'm home," Xander called out a smile on his face.
Spike came out of the bathroom his hair curled and damp. "How'd it go, luv?" When he had talked to Xander earlier he seemed fine apparently the rest of the day stayed the same.
"Good, could have been better," Xander said and walked over to Spike and played with a stray curl. "It was weird not fighting with you over Passions."
"It was nice not having to hear you complain about the show being dumb," Spike replied and frowned when Xander flicked him in the forehead.
Xander grinned, "You missed me."
"Course I did, you git," Spike replied, he couldn't help but be proud of his pet. He knew Xander was stronger than anyone gave him credit for. "Now once you get back into shape we can start on your training."
"Strangely enough I'm looking forward to that," Xander said. "Who knew I would miss being tossed around."
Spike chuckled, "Means you really are bonkers." Xander pouted and Spike continued, "Means you're really better, luv. Meds are doing wonders for you."
Xander had to agree he hadn't felt this good in a long time. "Still don't like taking them."
"I know but they make you better and if I have to, I'll force them down your throat," Spike threatened.
"Don't worry, I may hate taking them but I hate how I was before," Xander told him.
"Gives you incentive to keep taking them then," Spike replied.
Xander nuzzled Spike's cheek, "the meds aren't the only thing that's helped me."
"Yeah?" Spike nuzzled right back.
"A certain sexy vampire has definitely helped me," Xander replied. "Seriously though, if it wasn't for you butting in… I don't know what I would have done."
"You don't give yourself enough credit, Xan. You're stronger than you think you are and I am going to help you realize that. Just wait until you can take down three vamps on your own." Spike told Xander, he couldn't wait to start the training. He couldn't wait until the day Xander's eyes would light up in realization of just how strong he really was, but until then he'd have to do it.
Xander kissed Spike again and bounced slightly on the balls of his feet. It definitely wasn't that bad of day and he was feeling really good. "I think we should celebrate."
"What do you have in mind, luv?" Spike leered out of habit but knew it was way too early for Xander to even start thinking about having sex with Spike, baby steps.
"I could go for a burger; the ones at that place last night looked really good." Xander bounced again trying to look cute.
Spike sighed; he knew he was going to regret taking Xander to the demon diner. They were going to become regulars and wasn't that a scary thought? Spike wanted to say no, but didn't want to wipe the hopeful look that Xander was wearing. Only officially together for a full day and he was already whipped, "Sure, Xan, whatever you want."
"Great! I'll just get cleaned up and we can go," Xander and bounced away before stepping into the bathroom he paused and looked at Spike. "I know you don't really want to go so it's only fair that you pick what we talk about." Xander smiled, "I won't even veto your glory days with Drusilla and deadboy." He then went into the bathroom leaving Spike shell-shocked.
"Definitely a keeper my boy is," Spike smiled and sat down thinking of what kind of stories he could tell, none to disturbing. He didn't need to be giving Xander nightmares. With a sigh he knew he was getting into domestic life, hell he was already there. But for Xander he could live with it. He'd do anything that would make Xander happy, even if it meant having to become besties with the slayer. Yup, Alexander Harris had Spike wrapped around his little finger and he couldn't have been happier about it.