My heart thumped unevenly, palms sweating, my knees shaking.
'Mistake!' my mind screamed. 'No! I have to do this, he- he deserves this.' I reminded myself.
I smiled as I looked into my father's glassy eyes. He looked so proud, and happy. This is for him. My resolve steeled as I took in his expression, full of love and pride for me, his only daughter. Some brief emotion flickered in his eyes before I could process it any further. His thin lips set into a tight lipped frown when he took in my expression.
My eyes darted away from his, but it was too late. He had already seen the rogue tear that escaped my eye and I wiped it away furiously. 'This is my pain'
"Dad" I cut in quickly, "that's a happy tear." I tried to smile, but I'm sure it came out as a grimace. Stupid traitor tears! I internally cursed them to the darkest places in hell. But some part of me was glad that that tear escaped. One lone tear ran down my cheek and the whole dam that had been filling my soul did not break. One tiny tear seeped out of the crack of my broken spirit; of my slipping façade.
The soft music of the piano broke into my reverie. To anyone else it spiked excitement for the upcoming display of 'love' and triggered my gag reflex. But to me, it fucking sounded like the 'dead man walking' song. Taunting me, sealing my fate and reminding me of the future I would never have.
'My soul' my mind whispered. I felt a pang in my chest, and I fought with all my will to choke down the sobs trying to escape my chest.
"Bella, we're up to bat" Charlie grunted out.
'No' my subconscious pleaded, and then hesitated; 'is it my soul?' it inquired.
"Not here" I whispered brokenly.
"What was that Bells?"
"Er, what was that Char- Dad?"
"I asked if you were ready Bells" 'No!' I internally shrieked, unable to force the word out of my tight lipped mouth. Luckily for me, I had practiced and achieved that cold hard mask my best friend and my lover was able to wear all too well.
'For him' I reiterated. My mind was such a mess. Everything contradicted. Every thought I had swirled around in my head, confusing me. How had it become so hard, and complicated for me to say a simple 'no'? Oh, that's right, he wanted this for me. I fucking practiced that shit in the mirror and ended up bursting into tears while smashing that damn mirror to pieces with my trash basket trying to get rid of that patronizing smirk imaginary Jacob gave me. I only got through with saying 'I do' was when I imagined that it was me and Ed- Edward.After that little episode I went all out Emo- Bella like the pansy I am. That fucking "mirror mirror on the wall whose the most pathetic of them all" bit was the last straw of my pathetic-ness and only then did I conclude that I had fucking tipped over the edge. I was officially a mental case.
It surprised me how crude my thoughts were becoming and the crass language I added into my once innocent vocabulary. But fuck it, I was a god damned woman for Christ sake and I could fucking curse if I wanted! It's not my fault I'm so bitter. I don't even act this way around people. Past experience told me I could only trust myself, and trust I did. I didn't trust myself to speak my mind just to get judged by the small minded folk of Forks who thought I was being a drama queen.
"Yes" I whispered.
We began our slow decent. Choreographed, practiced. Just like my life. I was a puppet on a string, bending to my puppeteers will. My act was choreographed and practiced to please my audience. I'm just like Pinocchio, I lied so much about my happiness my fucking nose already broke off and no one could tell that I was lying anymore. I was fucking disgusted with my sorry ass. I was reduced to a fictional character. A liar.
My feet felt like lead. And I was sinking in a wide abyss of chilling cold water. I couldn't help it. All I had to do was making to the end, but I couldn't stop myself from drowning, I didn't want to save myself. I found myself staring in the love filled eyes of my Sun, and I couldn't stop myself from wishing for my eclipse.
My feet continued to protest until my father was practically dragging me down the aisle. Even then, my royal blue heels scraped against the hard wood floors of the church.
'Not there!' my feet cried 'it's not him!'
'For him!' I reiterated.
My tears of agony blurred my vision while my father continued to push me into the arms of another. 'Not him!' my subconscious growled angrily.
'Not my soul' it continued to protest.
'For him!' I retorted. It seems that that little phrase became my mantra. It was the only thing keeping me as calm as I was. 'it's for him'
Now I was really pathetic. Doing something I really didn't want to do for someone that no longer wanted me. Someone that saw me as a naive clumsy little pet that needed saving. 'But I still love him.' I'm going through with the worst decision in my life because I promised him. 'my soul' my subconscious corrected quietly. 'Yes' I agreed, 'my soul'. My life went to shit the day I accepted his proposal.
Handed in the arms of another, I felt my first smidge of happiness for my tears, as they distorted the image of my best friend's face and I smiled fleetingly at this tiny blessing.
He took my hand and grinned widely. Happiness radiating off of him like a large dose of chemo. And I felt an irrational dose of anger fill me and I clenched my hands into fists. 'how could he be so happy when I'm in so much pain?' I hissed. All to quickly that bout of irrational anger passed and I began to come to terms with my decision. If I couldn't be with the one that stole my heart and tap danced all over it, at least I can marry my sun.
'My sun' my subconscious whispered in disdain wrinkling her nose slightly. My subconscious was practically on her knees in my mind begging me for her—our 'Eclipse'.
And then my whole world went into chaos as the pastor began to regurgitate his practiced lines. I wanted to smack this fucktard in the face for being so joyful. What the fuck was there to be so happy about? He was practically bellowing out the words to the whole fucking world.
"Do you Jacob Black, take Isabella Marie Swan to be your lawful wedded wife?"
"I do" Jacob declared. His voice rang out through the church and practically bounced off the walls echoing throughout the church. 'bastard!' I wanted to scream at him. Wasn't it enough I agreed to this blasphemy? He had to make his voice echo off the walls like some fucking parrot repeating the words 'I do?' I wanted to scratch his eyes out.
Just then, I let my eyes connect with his sparkling black ones. What I saw knocked the breath out of me and I heard myself inhale sharply. They were filled with so much joy and triumph in making me his I felt remorse for my, not too nice thoughts towards him and I felt my face soften a little and gave him a small smile.
'Not his!' my subconscious seethed, kicking into full gear again.
"Not yet" I corrected my subconscious quietly. "I'm not his… not yet"
Agony at my new found revelation. This wedding was starting to hit me full force. He was my best friend. He deserved this. 'Give him this' I was too caught up in my internal musings to even marvel at the fact that my past and present wanted the same thing from me, and my sun and eclipse agreed on one thing: I should be with Jacob.
"Isabella Marie Swan"
"take Jacob Black"
'No no NO!'
"to be your lawful"
'NO!' I was shaking my head slowly in denial.
"Wedded husband?" the pastor trilled.
My subconscious switched to another tactic. 'what about me?' my subconscious sobbed. 'what about me?' the phrase echoed through my mind, piercing through the raging storm that was my emotions. It cut through everything and the raging war inside my head quieted. Like the calm before a storm. My subconscious took this as her cue to step in full force.
'No No No! Not him!' she protested vehemently, thrashing wildly. 'My soul?' she questioned. 'No No No! It's not Him!' she cried desperately.
'It's not him' I reiterated in my mind.
"It's not him" I whispered out loud, repeating it, over and over again until I made my resolve strengthened.
"Isabella?" the pastor questioned. Eyeing me warily like a wild animal that needed to be approached with caution.
"NO!" was the tortured cry that escaped my lips. My desperate cry silenced the audience for a split second before everyone began to mutter assumptions and conclusions for my answer. Shocked gasps floated throughout the room, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
"Not him" I choked out.
I stared into the face of my best friend and watched the hurt and embarrassment in his eyes as his face contorted in pain. Some sick part of me reveled in the pain he was feeling now. 'Good' maybe now he knows a fraction of the pain I was feeling. I mentally bitched slapped myself and reprimanded myself for being so cold. He's my best friend for Christ sake!
"Not you" I whispered. My voice laced with pain and regret.
Pain for what I was putting my best friend through and the pain of causing my Eclipse to be unhappy. And regret for dragging my Sun the darkest corners of my pain. Inflicting pain just like my Eclipse did. Only I was worse. I gathered an audience to witness his emotional downfall.
"Please don't do this" Jacob begged. A sharp pain cut through my chest. This was eerily familiar. I suddenly saw me and Jake in the lush green forests of Forks still facing each other. It was just like me and Ed—him. The only difference was I was standing in Ed—his place, I was the one doing the tap dancing on the heart. But no, I was worse; I was standing before Jake enjoying the brief flash of power that made me feel like I had control. I was disgusted with myself. 'No wonder he left me'
Jake's plea had the opposite effect on me, and instead of making me waver from my decision it made me angry. And that's when my emotional dam burst.
"What about me?" I cried at no one in particular. "All this," I motioned with my hands vaguely to everyone that filled the room, "ever since he left!" my voice broke twice.
"My soul" I whispered "ever since my soul left, all I've ever done, all I've ever did was for you! For everyone in this small Podunk town!" I screamed angrily. He needed to understand! He needed to see that I was broken; he should not want to be with me. "You should not want to be with me Jake! I'm up here fucking getting married and like the cold ass bitch I am I'm picturing you with pale white skin, gold eyes and fucking bronze colored sex hair!" he winced at my crude language and I could practically feel the waves of disapproval coming off of our audience crashing into me full force. Its potency made my blush deepen.
I trudged on, crucifying Jacob and everyone else in this shithole. "My dad and everyone else around here I bent over backwards to please! I can't leave here because this is where he was! I'm still alive because he told me to be safe! He saved me." I sobbed my voice breaking twice again. I swear I sounded like a toad, croaking out my heart but I continued to break Jake's heart, punching it relentlessly and riddling it with identical holes to match my own so that it too resembled Swiss cheese. "And I'm with you because he wanted me to get married and have kids!" I was snarling like a rabid dog. My anger was not towards Jake or Edward. It was at myself for allowing my puppet strings to be strung so tight. My arms were flailing wildly around the room, and I'm sure I heard someone call me an "insensitive bitch."
Tears were streaming furiously down my cheeks and my face felt flushed. He looked so heartbroken and for a fleeting moment I thought he understood but he choked out my nickname and began to reach for me.
I stepped back and glared. "No! Listen! I. Am. NOT. Good for you! I'm here getting married to my best friend and do you know what's going through my head?" I questioned, venom dripping from my voice. "Not him" I growled out "Protests Jake!" I exclaimed. "My feet didn't even want to hike down the aisle! My father practically dragged me down here!"
"What about me Jake? I'm going—I'm going to" I cut off my sentence quickly before I revealed my plans.
"I love you Jake. You're my best friend"
I raised my hand to caress his cheek and he leaned into my touch. Well, at least I could give him this one thing. I removed my hand quickly like I had been scalded by a white hot branding iron. I knew the truth. I was giving him anything. I was giving me something, so I wouldn't feel like such a heartless bitch.
"Remember that" I whispered.
He nodded weakly and his massive frame was shaking from his cries. It ate away at my hardened heart and a new hole bored its way through.
"Bella?" a soft velvet voice spoke, melting away my surroundings. 'Go figure Bella' I mentally cheered. 'You're at your fucking wedding and you're having one of your crack head moments.' I commented, sarcasm oozing from my words like a head injury. 'I should get help before the towns' folk torch me to death' I laughed silently at my bad joke.
I couldn't stop the joy and happiness shooting through my veins at my illusion for showing up when I needed him most. I smiled. And a genuine smile too.