Laverne and Shirley travel to 2010
Setting: Milwaukee, circa 1962.
Shirley: Laverne, hurry up! We're going to be late for work again!
Laverne: I'm comin', I'm comin'...
Shirley: Doesn't it irk you to be tardy?
Laverne: (rolling her eyes) Nothing irks me.
Shirley: Obviously not! We've already been late twice this week!
Laverne: Alright then, Miss Punctuality! Let's go!
Shirley: Oh, wait! I forgot to feed Boo-Boo Kitty breakfast!
Laverne: Shirl, he's a stuffed cat. He'll survive! Now go!
Shirley: Alright, alright, Impatient Annie!
They run out the door and get in the car. Much to Shirley's dismay, Laverne decides that she wants to drive. Laverne begins to drive down the road at record speed, running over a mailbox and nearly hitting a parked car. Hoping for the best, Shirley screams and closes her eyes. Laverne arrives at an area congested with traffic and dangerously weaves her way through dozens of cars. After narrowly escaping disaster, she turns on to an open sidestreet.
Laverne: (laughing) Shirl, did you see that?
Shirley: (still closing her eyes) Is it over?
Laverne: Aww, you missed it!
As Shirley opens her eyes, a pedestrian appears, seemingly out of nowhere, and begins to cross the road.
Shirley: (screaming) Laverne, watch out!
It is too late. They both scream as Laverne smashes into the pedestrian, scattering the contents of his briefcase all over the road and causing him to fly into the back seat of their convertible. Surprisingly, the man is unharmed. He sits up in the back seat and turns to buckle his seatbelt.
Ryan Seacrest: Why are there no seatbelts in this car?
Laverne: (freaking out) Oh my God! Are you ok?
Ryan Seacrest: I'm fine, Laverne Marie DeFazio.
Shirley: How do you know her name?
Ryan Seacrest: I know everything. I know your name too, Shirley Wilhelmina Feeney.
Laverne and Shirley look at each other in confusion.
Laverne: Didn't I hurt you?
Ryan Seacrest: No. You see, I possess super-human powers that allow me to defy barriers of time and space. I am indestructible. Even your poor driving skills cannot destroy "The Sea."
Laverne: Hey, I ain't a bad driver!
Shirley: What is your name?
Ryan Seacrest: I am Ryan Seacrest - TV host extraordinnaire. If you girls lived forty-eight years in the future, you would associate me with the television classic American Idol.
Laverne: Is that like American Bandstand?
Ryan Seacrest: You could say so. In fact, I have been called the Dick Clark of the Twenty-First Century.
Laverne: You know Dick Clark?
Ryan Seacrest: Yes. I've been hosting New Year's Rockin' Eve with him for the past five years.
Shirley: As interesting as that is, Mr. Seacrest...
Ryan Seacrest: Please, call me "Ryan" or, if you prefer, "The Sea."
Shirley: Umm, ok then. As I was saying, Ryan, why are you here?
Ryan Seacrest: (mystically) I am here to give you a glimpse into your future. Five years from now, you, Shirley, will marry a boring man named Walter Meeney, Dr. Walter Meeney to be exact, and become Mrs. Shirley Feeney-Meeney.
Shirley: (screaming) DOCTOR! Doctor! Did you hear that Laverne?
Laverne: (grinning) Feeney-Meeney! HA!
Ryan Seacrest: Ah, but that is not the point. You see, if you marry Walter Meeney, your marriage will be unhappy and loveless. I am here to prevent you from making this mistake, so that forty-eight years from now, you will not become the miserable Widow Feeney-Meeney, who lives with thirteen schnoodles and chases young children off her sidewalk with a Swiffer Sweeper.
Shirley: (to Laverne) What's a Swiffer Sweeper?
Ryan Seacrest: You girls have much to learn. Come, follow me.
Laverne: Hey, wait a minute! What about my future?
Ryan Seacrest: I am here to prevent you, Laverne, from five unhappy marriages, all of which will end in divorce. I hope that through this journey, you both will realize that your soul mates are closer than you think.
Laverne: Are you my soul mate?
Ryan Seacrest: No, Laverne. We have both already found our soul mates, but you are blind to the truth. I am here to open your eyes so that perhaps you will one day be as happy as Simon and I are.
Laverne: Your soul mate is a man?
Shirley: Laverne, don't be foolish! I think he means "Simone."
Ryan Seacrest: (shaking his head) You have more to learn than I thought. Come. Walk into the light.
Ryan opens a magical umbrella that lifts him out of the convertible and onto the road. As he points the umbrella toward a manhole, a beam of blue light flees the umbrella and strikes the cover, sending the iron disk whipping through the air. The cover smacks Ryan in the face, knocking him backwards onto the blacktop. A cloud of turquoise smoke comes out of the manhole, and as it dissipates, it reveals a large purple door on which the number "2010" is printed in gaudy gold font.
Ryan Seacrest: (lifting himself from the blacktop) We must go. The future awaits.
Ryan skips foolishly over to the door and opens it, causing a fushia light to radiate from the inside. As wind blows through his sandy hair, he crosses the threshold and disappears.
Laverne: Oh my goodness...
Shirley: Come on, Laverne! We have to follow him!
Laverne: No way! I ain't walkin' into no light!
Shirley: Well, I "ain't" becoming a cranky old lady!
Laverne: Then, go ahead! Who's stoppin' ya?
Shirley: Fine! Have fun with your five miserable marriages!
Shirley gets out of the car and slams the door. She walks over to the door and considers stepping into the light, but she soon turns around and scurries back into the car.
Shirley: I don't wanna go alone!
Laverne: (sneeringly) Well, isn't that just too bad?
Shirley: (whining) Please, Laverne! Please come with me! Pul-eeeaa-eeaaze?
Shirley: (still whining) PLEASE! I promise that I'll never ask you to do anything ever again!
Shirley: (suddenly changing her tone) Come with me, or I'll tell everyone in the neighborhood what you did with Lenny in the eleventh grade.
Laverne: Nah...you wouldn't do that. (sheepishly) Would ya?
Shirley: (condescendingly) I would, and I will! Now, Vernie, what's it gonna be, hmm? Are you coming, or do I have to call Big Rosie and air your dirty laundry?
Laverne: (with a sigh) Alright! You got me. I'll come, but if I die, I'm draggin' ya with me.
Shirley: (smiling) Oh, Laverne! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best friend anyone anywhere ever had!
Laverne: Yeah, well, I wish I could say the same for you! You...blackmailer!
Shirley: It's for your own good! You'll see! (grabbing Laverne's arm) Come on, let's go!
Shirley gets out of the car again, dragging Laverne with her. They run over to the door and stare at the abyss of brightly colored light.
Shirley: (pushing Laverne in front of her) After you!
Laverne: (stepping back) Are you crazy? You're the one who wanted go in the first place!
Shirley: Well, if I go first, you'll be too chicken to follow me, and I'll be all alone!
Laverne: Chicken, huh? Alright then, we'll jump through together, holding hands. How's that for ya?
Shirley: Good idea! Gee, Vernie, I take back what I said. You really are a great frien...(screams)
Shirley screams as Laverne pushes her through the door. Upon Shirley's disappearance into the light, Laverne begins to panic.
Laverne: (speaking into the light) Shirl? (screaming) SHIRLEY? WHERE ARE YOU?
She hears no answer.
Laverne: I'M COMIN' SHIRL!
Laverne closes her eyes and jumps into the light, disappearing into the unknown. After she has gone, the door closes and fades magically into the landscape, leaving behind only a few sparkles. Suddenly, Squiggy appears from behind a tree.
Squiggy: Holy smokes, Lenny! Laverne and Shirley got eaten by the sea!
Lenny appears from the other side of the tree.
Lenny: No, they didn't! Dick Clark took them for his New Year's Eve Special!
Squiggy: I'm comin', Shirley! I'll save you, my little mole mate!
Lenny: Uhh, Squig? I think he said pole mate?
Squiggy: It don't matter!
Lenny notices Joan Rivers wandering in the street.
Lenny: Who's that broad?
Squiggy: Look at her face! The wind ain't even blowing!
Joan Rivers walks up to them.
Joan Rivers: (angrily) Hey! You're not rich!
Lenny: Who said we was?
Joan Rivers: I was following that Seacrest guy to find out how he got so rich! But how did I get here? Who are you dopes?
Lenny: Never mind that! Do you know where Laverne is?
Joan Rivers: Who?
Lenny: Our friend, Laverne DeFazio!
Joan Rivers: Who's that?
Lenny: Ehh, never mind! You're no help! Squig, let's get outta here!
Lenny and Squiggy run down the street, leaving Joan alone.
Joan Rivers: But wait! Can we talk?
END OF PART 1