Sometimes you hurt… you hurt so bad that nothing can fucking make it go away and just want out…die in agony because there is really no one there with you really. Everyone wants something from you and you don't know what, so you just stay away from everyone, yet there are those who simply tag along with you, and that makes the suffering even worse. You suffer through the abuse, the neglect, the hate and the one thing you ever wanted is the thing you can never have…love and happiness. You desperately want someone to hold so fucking tight that you can't let go, you want someone to whisper in your ear that everything is going to be ok. You just want to let go of everything and stop worrying, you don't want to care but you do, you don't want to be treated as a child but everyone thinks otherwise.
You were forced to grow up in a harsh world; you were force to stop being a child. And now your eyes look weary, lost in age in sadness that no one can amend. Your soul carry a responsibility no child is meant to, yet you are no child, you might be young but you are old and wise with a hint of hormones.
You don't smile anymore because you lost something that can never be returned. Your friends try to help you but they don't understand and you don't want to tell them what you feel. Yet their presence is soothing, they help you forget, they force you to heal. But you don't want, you want to remember and not feel the pain of the loss.
There is nothing else you can do now but look into the bright future, even if it not so bright. Now you have a chance to be you, but that chance is shattered away by the outside world. Everyone expects things from you, more heroic acts, to marry a beautiful woman and have children. You don't want that, you don't want a wife; you don't like women at all…. But you follow through; you get married and have children with her even though this is not what you want, even if this is not you.
Now you here you stand watching your middle child go to school, while your eldest teases him and your youngest simply holds your hand asks when can she go with her brothers. You laugh and make it everything alright, telling your youngest she will soon go, to you middle you reassure him that you'll love him no matter what and your eldest you scowl him not to prank anyone. And now you see your boys go your wife smiles at you and you try hard to return the smile when you can't. Your friends are there too saying their goodbye to his eldest as you sheer them on.
And now when you look back, you wished that you were bolder, that you had more guts to be you, but you know you can't. You already have a life and you can't change it, even if it's not you. You go back home with your youngest and wife; she prepares dinner and casually leans over you commenting about having one more child. You laugh it off while you hate her for being so nosy, yet you don't show it.
You go to sleep and dream of being who you wanted to be the happiness and love that you never had, because really the life you have been having all these years it's not one of happiness and love. You made it through war and manipulation and in the end you couldn't save yourself. You hate yourself and your life and for that you'll wake up, head to the kitchen and your lifeless green eyes would be mesmerized by the shiny metal that is now in your hands.