Ranko's Ascension
A spamfic by Mike Breslau

Disclaimer: Not my characters...

"Wish rejected," announced the magic sword in a bored tone of voice.

Tatewaki Kuno was incensed. "Why?" he demanded.

"There is no 'evil sorcerer' named Ranma Saotome," explained the sword

Ranma tried to interject "Told you so," but he was lying bound and
gagged on the floor, and thus could not comment effectively.

"Very well," said Tatewaki, "I wish that the sorcerer Ranma Saotome was
no more, and the beautiful pig-tailed goddess was released from his

Ranma tried to protest again, to no avail.

"Wish rejected," announced the magic sword in an exasperated tone of

"Now what?"

As if explaining the obvious to a small child, the magic sword
replied, "Ranma is the victim of a magical curse, but he is not a
magician of any sort. He is only a martial artist."

Tatewaki paused for a moment to think. The sound of rusty gears
attempting to move for the first time in years could faintly be heard.
"Okay, I wish that the martial artist Ranma Saotome would cease to
exist, and the beautiful red-headed, pig-tailed goddess would be free to
express her appreciation of me." He smirked.

"Wish granted," announced the sword in an exhausted voice. The magical
sword shattered into tiny pieces, which vanished in a shower of
polychromatic sparkles. It had exceeded its power when granting that

Ranma strongly attempted to protest, but he disappeared. The ropes and
gag that had bound him fell to the floor, empty.

Floating in the air above the space Ranma had so recently occupied
appeared a supernaturally beautiful red-headed, pig-tailed goddess -
Ranko, Goddess of Retribution and the newest addition to the heavenly
staff. She was wearing a light green silken robe that seemed to move on
its own accord as if it were alive. She looked around for a moment as if
trying to orient herself, then focused her attention on the delusional

"You have destroyed the man I loved more than any other," announced the
goddess truthfully. A Nabiki-like smile appeared on the goddess' face.
"Let me give you a parting gift as a token of my appreciation." She
gathered her power. "Since Ranma Saotome is no more, let all his
obligations, his friends, his enemies, his Jusenkyo curse, and his fear
of cats now attach to Tatewaki Kuno as they used to attach to Ranma
Saotome." With that the goddess flew away chuckling.

Suddenly, the room was filled with all the principal characters of
Ranma's recent life.

Shampoo glomped Kuno. "Wo I Ni, Airen. You Shampoo's husband now."

"Not so fast, Sugar," said Ukyo, grabbing Kuno's arm, "Kuno has to marry
me. His father promised him to me and then stole my dowry."

Principal Kuno stepped forward. "Foolish boy, you must marry Akane! It's
a matter of family honor."

In a shower of petals, Kodachi tried to grab any accessible part of
Tatewaki. "I don't care if you are my brother, dearest, you must marry
me! I love you."

Genma threw a bucket of water at the hapless kendoist, declaring, "Lazy
boy! Why aren't you studying the Art?"

Tatewaki was now a tall, buxom, teal-haired girl. He/she fainted.

"Sweeto!" Happosai had made an appearance.

Nabiki said nothing. She stood quietly to the side, plotting and

"Oh my..."

Soun just cried a river. "Now the houses will never be joined."

Akane summed up the feelings of everyone in the room - by using her
mallet. "Kuno no baka!"