One-shot time! Yo, Kurokumo here, and this is just the utmost random idea I had this week, so I figured I'd write it. Even so. I hope you enjoy it and that it's not a waste of your time. So, round of applause for 'The FAQ on How to Operate a Nintendo DS'!

Disclaimer: D. Gray-Man is property of Katsura Hoshino and Funimation. This series is a parody and nothing more, so please support the official release. Got it? Damn well better.


The FAQ on How to Operate a Nintendo DS

Buttons were being clicked as the young apprentice Bookman tried time and time again to figure out what in the seven Hells a Nintendo DS was. Allen had left it behind on accident while going out with Lenalee to help control her older brother. He knew he was always technologically challenged, but this was getting ridiculous. Despite how much he actually valued a challenge, given the fact that he was a genius, he was starting to hate this.

"Okay, so this is an 'A' button. And here's 'B'." He pressed the other two and frowned. "Why 'X' and 'Y'? What is with that? Shouldn't it be 'C' and 'D'? Oh, maybe they're hiding. But wouldn't that mean that there are 25 different buttons? All I see is four and this weird pad-looking thing."

"Che. Baka Usagi, what are you doing now?"

The redhead jumped at the anger-filled voice of Kanda Yuu, who was standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and eyes glaring. Something had pissed him off, it was obvious. "Er, nothing much. I was just looking at Allen's device here and trying to figure out how to turn the thing on."

Kanda raised an eyebrow as Lavi continued to mess with the buttons, mashing them repeatedly and hoping something would happen. Amused, he walked over and peered over the teenager's shoulder. "A Nintendo DS," he said simply. "Che. Have you never seen one before?"

"Wow, I didn't know Yuu was so smart at technology!"

"Don't call me that." He swiped the device out of his hands and slid the button on the side. It clicked back into place as the screen lit up with words written on both screens. "I'm surprised that you don't know anything about technology. So much for being a genius."

"There are different categories in which one can be a genius, Yuu," Lavi protested. "I'm book-smart, not technology-smart."

The Japanese man snorted as he pulled out a stick-looking thing and tapped one of the screens with it. Lavi watched as the man's eyes widened and a smirk formed on his face, a slight look of humor in his face. Lavi tilted his head.

"Okay, here's a crash-course in Nintendo DS one-oh-one," Kanda said, sitting down next to the redhead. "This," he held up the stick-looking thing, "is called a 'stylus'. It is used for the bottom screen here, known as the 'touch screen', meaning that it's sensitive to touch."

Lavi nodded in eagerness as Kanda hit one of the blocks. The screen suddenly turned dark as eerie music started to play.

"This here is the volume button," he continued. "Slide it towards the left, the music is off. Slide it towards the right, and it's at its maximum capacity."

"What are the little buttons for?"

"That's what I'm about to show you, Baka Usagi. Be patient."

Lavi glanced back at the screens. Images were flashing before his eyes of something that looked like a Japanese art form- Anime? -until the title screen showed up with a weird monster-looking thing flying down at the bottom. He read the title aloud:

"'Pokemon Soul Silver Version'."

Kanda snorted to hide his laughter. The bean sprout played Pokemon, one of the most childish games on the face of the Earth. He never was one to play Pokemon. It seemed tedious and annoying, especially how even adults discussed what they wanted to trade and when to battle. He touched the bottom screen with the stylus and saw the game that Allen was working on. "Name: ALLEN Badges: 15 PokeDex: 226 Time: 154:09".

He looked for another option and saw 'NEW GAME' right below it. He clicked it, then read the instructions for how to delete the present game, then did so. If he was going to teach Lavi how to operate a Nintendo DS, he was going to have to start from scratch. Besides, even he didn't know how Pokemon worked.

The screen read as follows: "I will first tell you important things about this game."

Kanda rolled his eyes and touched the "No info needed" option and continued onwards. Lavi blinked as an old man appeared with a tan jacket, brown pants and snappy shoes appeared on the screen. Below him, it read, "Sorry to keep you waiting!"

'Sorry to keep you waiting'? Lavi stared at it in utter confusion as Kanda just went past all the introductory things. He really didn't keep us waiting, so why is he apologizing?

Kanda handed him the piece of technological equipment out of the blue, along with the stylus. "Choose a gender, Baka Usagi."

"A gender?"

"Yes, you retard. Are you deaf? Do you want to be a boy or a girl?"

Lavi looked at the two avatars and frowned. "Yuu, why would I want to play a girl?"

"Assuming your personality, I figured I'd ask before making assumptions."


"Whatever. Just pick."

Lavi carefully hit the boy, then blinked when the creepy old man asked him if he was a boy to make sure. He tapped 'Yes'. He then was asked his name.

Why should I tell you? I don't even know your name, you creepy sketch! What're you gonna ask next, how long my-

"Che. Baka Usagi, you're thinking too hard again. Just enter your name, okay?"

Lavi looked down at the underscores and letters down below. He stared at it until his eyes hurt. Kanda frowned and took the thing out of his hands before sighing. "What do you want your name to be?"

"Uh? Uh, Lavi. What other name do I have?"

Kanda frowned. "Do you really want to name this damned avatar after yourself like the bean sprout? Have some originality."

"Okay…" Lavi was partially shocked that Kanda was so serious about this. It took a moment to make him more shocked about the Kanda was able to put up with him for this long. "Uh, how about 'Deke'? Is that a good name?"

"What is with you and four-letter names, Baka?" Kanda inputted the name, 'Deke', into the options and pressed 'OK'. Lavi watched when the creepy old man said lastly, "I'll see you later!" and the avatar shrank into a tiny thing. The very thought of seeing that man again made his mouth fill with a taste of disgust. The avatar was standing in the middle of the room for no reason at all.

"Okay. This pad here is the directional keys. You use it to move the avatar around." Kanda held down the one that was up and the avatar moved up. He hit the one that pointed left, and the avatar moved left. Basic directions. Wonderful.

"Why is he so small?"

"Because it needs to fit in the screen, idiot."

"But can't they just-?"

"No," Kanda interrupted. "Just shut up and pay attention."

The avatar moved to a set of stairs where it was immediately jumped by some woman-looking thing, saying something about a Professor Elm looking for it and handed him several different things.

"Alright, this is your bag," Kanda explained, despite his little knowledge of the game of Pokemon. He tapped the icon with the stylus. "This is where I think items go. Che."

"Items for what?"

"Why the hell do you assume I know?"

"Just wondering."

"And this… what the hell is this? A 'Trainer Card'? What?"

Lavi poked it with his finger and it showed up with several strange things. At the top of this said-particular 'Trainer Card' read an 'ID No. 43770'. The apprentice Bookman blinked and laughed a harsh laugh. Kanda stared at him, confused.

"Nothing," Lavi said. "It's just… 7 and 7.… is 49."

"What, do you have a thing for the number 49? Isn't that the answer to life, the Universe, and everything?"

"That's 42, Yuu."

"Che. Whatever. Okay, so this is a Trainer Card. I have no clue what the hell it does." He hit the 'Cancel' button and exited out of the screen. "This is the 'Save' option. Most games have this. It records progress of your game and what-not. And this thing… 'Options'… Hn. Well, don't bother with the options."

"Yuu, what do those buttons do?"

"We'll get to it!"

He pressed the down directional button and exited out of the house. He kept pressing it but nothing happened. He frowned until a blue thing came out of nowhere and ran into the avatar.

"Yuu, what is-?"

"Shut up and just watch." In reality, Kanda was just as about as confused as Lavi on that one. By the looks of it, it was a deformed balloon with legs and ears and a weird tale, bouncing as if it had just experienced a sugar high the size of a blimp. A female character appeared from a building with long ponytail-looking things that reminded him vaguely of Lenalee and watched as an exclamation point appeared over her head. The same exclamation point appeared over the mutated balloon before spinning around in circles and walking towards the female.

What the hell? Kanda frowned. Why the hell would anyone want that thing? It looks even more annoying than Baka Usagi or Moyashi…

"Yuu! I think you're supposed to move or something."

He snapped out of his phase and pressed the button to move. "Okay, so. The A button for this game…" He pressed 'A' while standing in front of a person and a thing of dialogue appeared. "…is basically the 'command' button. 'B' is for 'cancel'."

"What do X and Y do?"

"Che. I'll get to that later." Maybe, if I can figure it out.

"And where are all the rest of the letters?"

Kanda blinked. "What?"

"Well, if there's an X and Y button, shouldn't the rest of the alphabet be there? That would make sense, right?"

The Japanese man frowned. "You think too hard."

"And you think too soft."

"Do you want me to stop teaching you this?"

Lavi fell silent, much to Kanda's pleasure, as he held the button towards the left. He hated the town's music and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible, but a woman came out of nowhere and prevented him from doing so, which made him agitated. "Well, fine then, Miss know-it-all, pray tell, where the hell do I get these lame animal mutations known as Pokemon? Do you have any idea? No! No you don't! So screw you and your damn lame-ass stupidity!"

"Uh, Yuu…"

"And by the looks of it, you seem as plain and stereotypical as a Mary-Sue character! So hah! Take that, you damned amateur! I bet you don't even know how to wield a goddamn sword, do you? No, you don't!"

Lavi stared at Kanda in disbelief as the man continued onwards with his rant of how the female character consisted of sheer stupidity and so on and so forth. He never saw this side of Kanda before. It was quite fascinating how he was getting so worked up over a video game. However, this was Kanda- He got worked up over everything.

"Uh, Yuu," Lavi said quietly after five loud minutes of yelling. "I don't think she can hear you. She's just pixels or whatever."

"Che! I bet those bastards at Nintendo are listening. They better be, because I have so many complaints for them, such as this damn lady."

M-Me thinks Yuu is getting too into it… A bead of sweat ran down the side of his face out of fear. "Y-Yuu…"

"Ah!" Allen walked into the room, Lenalee following behind him with a smile on her face. "Here it is! I thought I lost it…" It took five seconds for him to comprehend the scene in front of him. "Wait a minute, why are you playing on my DS?"

"Che. I was teaching technology to the damn Baka Usagi."

Allen glanced at Lavi, then looked back at Kanda before walking over and taking the device out of his hands. His eyes widened. "I-Is this a new game?"

"How else was I supposed to teach him? With an already-played game?" Kanda glared at the white-haired boy. "Of course it's a new game."

"Y-You… deleted my old game…?"

The Japanese man nodded as Lavi noted the anger mark forming on Allen's cheek.

"You idiot! I had my flying Pikachu on that game! Do you know hard it is to get one of those? Rare! I was this close to beating all sixteen gym leaders! And you just deleted it? What the hell, Ba-Kanda!"

"Che. You getting worked up over a Pokemon game is what I should be saying 'what the hell' to, Moyashi. And what the hell is a Pikachu?"

Lenalee laughed as Allen and Kanda began to strangle each other. Lavi just stared at them for a while before picking up the handheld device and resumed on playing the game that was rudely interrupted by Kanda's temper.

"Maybe if you got out more, you'd know!" Allen yelled.

"'Got out more'? Hah! The very fact that you are playing Pokemon indicates that you have no life, Moyashi!" Kanda responded.

"Everyone knows and plays Pokemon!"

"Bullshit and you know it! Or would you rather say 'Poke-Shit', you Old Man? "

Lavi grinned as he pressed the 'A' button, Lenalee watching over his shoulder. "Cyndaquil looks the cutest. I'm choosing that one."

"Good choice," Lenalee commented as an earth-shattering ka-boom went off from the fight that was being ignored.


Ahahaha… -sweat drop- I hope that was slightly decent. So! Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? Destroy it? Hit me with a review, por favor! It would be very much appreciated! See you later~! -K.S.