This is weird. I started this at twelish in the morning. On coffee. Um, I don't know. The stars are what I finished sober. I didn't even know. It was funny at the time.
Disclaimer: Not Mine
"What?" Logan asked from the driver's seat of the truck. Wade sat next to him enthuisiastically crooning some Dean Martin song but he was channeling Jerry Lewis. (I love them) His throat was still intact because Logan had gotten very good at tuning him out.
"Uh, you remember that talk we had a while ago 'bout, um, 'periods'?" Rogue sheepishly asked.
Wade stopped singing and sat very still. Logan looked her through the rearview mirror.
"Well, I think I'm havin' mine now."
"Bugger," Wade muttered. "Sucks to be you right now."
"Shut up," she growled at him. Usually not very intimidating from the thirteen year old girl. But this was not just any girl. This was Rogue, the Wolverine's daughter whom they had been training for the past seven, eight years at her insistance. The girl who could lay a grown man out in a coma for weeks with her pinky. The girl who had no reservations shooting him in the balls whose father encouraged the behavior if she deemed him 'out of line. This was the girl experiencing 'womanhood problems'. Despite popular belief, Wade was not a stupid man. So he mentally took a vow of silence.
"I need ya to stop at a gas station or somethin'," Rogue groaned as she curled up in a ball on the back seat.
"Sure thing, Stripes."
Now there was one slight problem with that. They were in Nevada going through a desert and the last building they saw was an abandoned shack with graphic graffiti on it thirty miles back. It was another half hour before they came to a small little town. And when I say small, I mean miniscule. Being that they were in a desert, there were no trees, no grass. Everything was brown and dirt. Most of the buildings had not been remodeled apparently since the town's founding in the 1920's. There was a sign that read 'Welcome to Haven on Earth'.
Wade twitched. He hated places like this. Everyone, I mean everyone, was always just so excited about newcomers. Immediately, they're all up in your face, asking questions. And there was always a Bubba, and a nice old grandma who wanted to fix you up with her granddaughter. And they were so unnaturally nice and polite and happy. Even the kids. Obviously, they were pod people. Pod people were a no. He would have suggested that they keep going but he had taken a vow and he would not speak until Rogue's 'transformation' was over.
They passed three shops though it was impossible to tell what those were due to the writing having faded off and parked in front of what appeared to be a drug store, judging from the merchandise inside.
Logan parked it and looked at Rogue.
"Alright, Stripes, we're here."
She raised up from her fetal position and looked through at the pharmacy.
"I can't go in."
"There's a boy runnin' the register and I think I bled through my shorts."
Wade gagged. Logan scrubbed a hand through his hair and looked at the man next to him who was sitting and twiddling his thumbs. He felt Logan looking and glanced at him, flashed him a smile, and almost looked away before he froze. He slowly turned back to him and looked his friend, his comrade, his DNA buddy in the eye with true horror.
"No," he whispered. So much for that vow of silence.
"Get out the truck."
"Not happening," he got louder.
"Wade, go get the stuff."
"Logan, I'd love to really but I don't want to leave my comfort zone and really, you know how us psychos are."
"Get out the truck and go get it."
"You do it! She's your kid! You were the one who married Miss Blue with Issues! You knocked her up, you go buy it!"
"Yeah. I also saved your no-good hide, let you ride in my truck, put up with your complete idiocy, feed you on the daily, and you can't do this one thing for me?"
"It better be definitely or else I will haul your sorry butt out my truck and leave you here."
"GASP! You wouldn't!" he looked around frantically and saw a mechanic shop with a man standing in front, wiping his hands on a rag. He'd bet his bazooka his name was Bubba.
"Will one of you just go get the damn things before I freakin' kill you?" Rogue moaned with an aggravated tone and a whimpered, "Please."
Now he felt bad.
"Yeah, don't worry, Sunshine. I'm on it," Wade reassured.
He sat in his seat mentally hyping himself up.
"You got this.
I got this.
You so got this.
I so got this. Why is that?
Because YOU are THE Deadpool!
I'm the Deadpool!
No, YOU are THE Deadpool!
I AM THE Deadpool!
The Merc with a Mouth, baby!
The Merc with a Mouth, oh yeah!"
When Deadpool came back from his mental pep rally, he noticed Logan staring at him.
"Seriously? You still do that?"
"Occasionally. Now, what am I getting?"
Logan considered for a moment if he should be sending Wade to do this. And in that moment, he decided he really, really didn't want to do it himself.
"Right," he sighed. "You're gettin', erm, pads, plain and simple. Just make sure they have wings on 'em. And chocolate, lots of that, maybe an ice cream bar or two. Get her some Motrin or Advil, too. And – wait, didn't you date that one girl for six months?"
"Mmhmm," Deadpool murmured, grinning.
"Didn't she make you get this stuff?"
"So why are you – "
"Because hearing you talk about it is so very funny," a full blown smile now.
"Hell-freakin'-O! Dyin' girl back here!"
"Right, sorry, going!" Deadpool scrambled out of the truck and rushed into the store, studiously pretending like he didn't see the two old men in front of a barbershop who waved at him.
A bell jingled when he opened the door which immediately set the adrenaline pumping. It's begun.
"Hello, sir! Is there anything I can help you with today?" a boy of seventeen addressed him politely, smiling brightly. A little too politely. His name tag said 'Billy'/
He stalked over to counter and leaned across until he was inches from the boy's face and looked into his eyes. His soulless eyes.
"I'm only going to ask this once, Billy. Where are. The feminine. Products?"
If possible, the smile got even brighter.
"Those are on the third aisle, sir. Do you want me to show you?"
"No!" he ordered as he slowly backed up. "You stay right there. Understand? Do not move."
"Yes, sir! Do you need a basket?"
He paused a moment then snatched it from him.
"I'm watching you."
He eased over to the aisle and perused the shelf while keeping the boy in his peripheral. The boy never stopped with his eerie smiling. The kid was making him uneasy so he just grabbed a random pack and dropped it in the basket. He moved away before he backtracked and put three other random brands in as well. He went back up to the counter and dumped the products out.
"Right behind you, sir!"
He glanced behind him and sure enough, there was a rack of chocolate. He looked back at Billy and blindly reached for the candy and dropping it on the counter.
"Ice cream and soda."
"To your left, sir!"
To his left there was a full freezer display that was not there before. He didn't question it, just grabbed whatever, dropping it on the counter.
Billy started to reach under the counter but stopped when Deadpool pointed a gun at his head.
"Is there a problem, sir?" his smile was really creeping him out.
"What are you doing?"
"Getting your medicine, sir."
"Uh-huh. Do it then, slowly," he cautioned and watched as the kid pulled out an unopen bottle of Motrin.
"Will that be all, sir?"
"Yeah. Yeah, that's it," his gun was still trained on him as Billy began ringing him up.
His trigger finger started twitching. He could feel it trying to squeeze. It wouldn't matter. He was a pod person. Just a pod person. They don't have souls anyway. Why not? Why –
"Your total, sir," Billy pointed to the screen.
"Oh," he fished a hundred out of his pocket after he shoved the gun in his waistband and calmly grabbed the bags.
"Keep the change," he turned and bolted for the door.
"Have a nice day, sir!" Billy called as the bell dinged over the door.
Deadpool burst through the door, yanked open the truck and dove in, panting like he had run a marathon, shoving the bags to Rogue.
"Here. Logan, drive."
She looked through the bags and happily pulled out a chocolate bar.
"I need a bathroom."
"Okay. Wade, was there a – "
"Drive the truck," he didn't even look at him. He was still watching Smiley Billy through the window.
*"But – "
"She can do it in the middle of the desert! There are no cars and I'm certainly not going to look! Just GO!"
Wade was visibly shaking at this point.
Logan pulled out the town and stopped a few miles out so Rogue could handle her lady business. As the two men sat stone steady looking only forward, Logan asked Wade,
"What was that all about?"
"Obviously, the authoress had coffee and decided 'Hey, why not write a story? This will be so funny.' Not."
"O.K." he replied and wondered if he could find a telepath to wipe this entire thing from his mind. *
A/N: I'm sure that later when I come off the coffee, I'm just gonna be like What the butterscotch.
queenith2: Your babysitting thingy is in the works but slow coming. It's just that I thought of this a while ago and wanted to put it up before I forgot. This didn't exactly turn out how I first thought though. I mean it was totally different. But the caffeine took over my brain.
Review peoples. Yes funny? No funny? Lemme know.
BTW, I LOVE COFFEE!
*suggestions for next story are welcome*