(Okay, so I was looking through the Armageddon fics on here and noticed that there were only like, two that had Rockhound even in them, so I decided I needed to change that! ^^ This was the first idea that came to mind when I thought of writing one of these, partially because I freaking LOVE that scene because it's so hilarious! So yeah, hope you get some enjoyment out of it! XD)

Rockhound's Fatherly Instincts

"You little hypocrite! Have I ever ONCE held you back from doing anything?" Harry bellowed as he followed Grace across the deck.

Harry and Grace were at it again, this time over AJ's apparent sexual exploration with her. I figured it would be best to follow along and try to help get this sorted out than just stand around and do nothing. Harry already tried to take AJ's ass out with a shotgun, who knows how out of hand this scene could get?

"What about having a life, Harry?" Grace shot back, not even missing a beat as she made her way across the deck away from him.

Sometimes I swear these two fight like a couple of wild animals, but if they were wild animals it would make all this a hell of a lot easier; they would just eat each other and everything would be sorted out! Harry's a good guy, don't get me wrong. He's one of my closest friends. But sometimes I think he's a little too hard on Grace. She's a big girl now, and if she's old enough to legally fuck anyone of any age, then she's old enough to decide who she does it with at least. Well, it's not like this could get TOO out of hand, right?

"First time I got my period, Rock had to take me to Taipei for Tampax and then he had to show me how to use them, Harry!"


"Woah-ho-ho!" I stuttered as Harry stopped short in front of me and his hand slammed against the wall, blocking my path. He looked back at me with a look of shock and horrified disbelief.

It was at that moment that I remembered back to that very incident, so long ago.


"Hey! Whoever's taking forever in there, we're not getting any younger out here! Hurry up!" I gave the bathroom door a few good whacks and stepped back. Normally I wouldn't have been in such a rush to get ready, but currently we were staying in a hotel suite about 30 minutes outside Taipei, Thailand thanks to Harry having a little business meeting with some prospective clients, and I was more than ready to cash in my free time at whatever strip joints I could find. Those Asian chicks may have some small jugs, but they can be some of the most kinky, smokin' hot broads you'll ever lay your eyes on, lemmie tell ya!

Just when I was starting to get aggravated at whoever was taking a year and a half to get their ass out of the bathroom, I heard a sound I instantly recognized from beyond the bathroom door. A soft, muffled whimpering and sniveling noise.


"Go away!"

My heart sank a bit and I instantly regretted my previous outburst.

"Grace, it's me, Rochound! Is everything okay in there?" I asked in a calmer voice, putting my hand on the door handle.

"No…I mean…Yes…I mean…" She stammered and trailed off. Whatever it was, I could already tell it was something fairly serious.

"Well, which is it? Yes or no?" I was feeling very tempted to just open the door and see for myself, but my better judgment said otherwise. Fortunately, she made the call for me. The door opened up, and there stood Grace, tears pouring down her cheeks, her eyes bright red and puffy. It looked like someone had sent the girl to Hell for a few hours and told her to get a makeover while she was there. Well, that might be pushing it. She looked bad. That's what I was trying to say.

"I want my Daddy…" She sniveled in a high-pitched voice. She looked absolutely terrified about something, but what that something was, was unknown to me.

"Aw, well, Sweetie, your Daddy's out in the city at a meeting, but I'm sure he'll be back later…"

"I want my Daddy!" She buried her head in her hands and let the waterworks really start flowing.

"Hey, Gracie…" I knelt down beside her and put a hand on her back, rubbing it to try to help calm her down. "Whatever it is, I could probably help ya out…Why don't you tell ol' Rockhound what's eatin' at ya?" I smiled at her, even though I knew she didn't see it.

She sniveled and looked over at me, sniveling every couple of seconds. I reached over and wiped the tears off her cheeks. "I just don't know what to do, and Daddy's not here, and…and…" She trailed off as she started to panic again.

"Hey, whatever it is, we can figure it out!" I put a finger under her chin to lift her face so she was looking up at me, then smiled at her reassuringly. "I'm a genius, ya know! You just try to find a problem I can't solve!"

It seemed to do the trick. She started to perk up, even if not by much.

"W-Well…" She look a long, deep breath "This morning when I went to the bathroom, I was bleeding, and I think I got my period, and I don't know what to do!"

My face instantly felt flushed. It wasn't the topic of menstruation that bothered me. On the contrary. It was explaining this to a twelve-year-old girl that was practically my own little girl that had me bothered. Why couldn't Harry have taught her about this stuff a little sooner? Or warned me that this was coming? Ah well, I doubt even he knew. The guy's always busy off doing something anyway.

"Well, what you need is some Tampax." She looked at me with a confused expression. "Don't worry, I can drive ya into town and we can grab you some there. Just cram some toilet paper in it so you don't bleed all over the seat of the rental!" she looked a bit alarmed and I realized just what I had said. "I mean but it in your underwear! Not in the…You know…The other thing…"

"Okay…" She went back into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. It looked like I wouldn't be making it to any strip clubs THIS evening, that's for sure.


"Rockhound?" Grace asked me in a soft voice, looking over from the passenger's seat. The whole drive had been uncomfortably silent thus far and we were almost into Taipei, so I figured a little conversation might be nice to lighten the mood up.

"Yeah, Sweetie?" I glanced over at her.

"Why do girls get periods?"

Or not…..

"Uh…Grace…Hasn't your dad talked to you about this stuff already?" I stammered. I could feel my face getting hot already.

"Well, he told me SOME stuff, but why do they happen? Why does blood come out of there and not something else?"

Why doesn't this species eat their young?

"You don't really wanna hear the talk from me right now, do ya?"

"Well, I either hear it from you or I could just let the TV teach me everything I need to know!"

This wouldn't have phased me, except for the fact that I had a few Pay-Per-View channels that would have made Playboy look like the Teletubbies and I was sure Harry would use my ass as the next drill on the rig if Grace happened to stumble across them. I sighed. "Okay Kid, you really wanna know everything?"

She nodded several times, never taking her eyes off me.

"Well, when a girl reaches puberty, her body starts going through some changes. Her lady parts turn on and she starts producing eggs every month."

"Eggs?" She looked puzzled. "Are you telling me I have EGGS inside me?"

"Well, yeah, but they're so small you can't even see 'em. Not like the breakfast kind. No, you only really start to become a breakfast special after you make some sweet bed magic happen when you're older and the guy fertilizes your crops. Then you start making milk too, and you'll need a new bra size. Probably two, three sizes bigger, which isn't SO bad if you're the guy because then you might even get to try some of the…"


Okay, was that too far?

"Uh…Heh…Forget about that last part. But if you don't have intercourse, the egg doesn't get fertilized and it dies. So instead of becoming a baby, it turns to blood and comes out once a month as your period."

"So you're telling me that I have DEAD BABY EGGS coming out of me right now?"

"No, just one egg." I glanced over at her again and saw her looking down at her stomach with a horrified expression on her face. "Uh, so, what else did you wanna know?"

"I think I learned enough for one day…" I swear her face looked a bit paler than it had just a few minutes before, but I might have been imagining things. Fortunately, Costco was within our sight now.


"Here Grace, just take these in there and stick one in." I told her as I handed her the box of Tampax as we walked over to the Costco bathrooms. We managed to get through buying them without any major problems or awkwardness, aside from the store clerks not speaking any damn English. Now all we had to do was get through this bit and we could head back and put this whole ordeal behind us.

"How do I do that?" She looked up at me inquisitively as we walked. How was I gonna explain this one?

"You don't have ANY idea?" She shook her head. "Do you know where your fun hole is?"

"My WHAT?" She stopped by the bathroom door, her eyes widened.

"Your…You know! Your vagina!"

"Uh…I think so…"

"Well, what you're gonna do is just shove the big end of the cardboard tube right up in there and push on the little part until it's all the way in, then take the cardboard tubes out, leaving the little string hanging outside when you're done."

She looked a bit alarmed. "String? What's the string for?"

"That's so you can pull it out a few hours later and put a new one in."

"Okay." She looked down at the box and started looking more distressed.

"You got it now, Gracie?"

"I still don't know what to do…"

Eh, what the hell? Might as well help the kid out. I took the box open and opened it up, pulling out a tampon before handing the box back to her. "Okay, you see this?" She nodded as I tore the wrapping off it. "While you're sitting down on the toilet, what you're gonna do is shove this end…" I pointed to the larger end "Inside yourself like so…" I made a circle between my legs with my fingers and shoved the tampon through it to give her a visual. "Next, you're gonna shove this little thingy as far in as it'll go…" I pushed on the smaller part, the tampon popping out of the tube and dangling off only by the string. "Then when it's in there, just pull these cardboard parts out and leave the string, got it?"

"Got it!" she said, looking less scared as she walked into the bathroom, saying as the door shut "Thanks, Rockhound."

"No problem, Sweetheart."

I then looked around and spotted at least ten people staring at me as I stood there by the ladies restroom, holding a dismantled tampon between my legs, undoubtedly having watched my little demonstration as well. "What? Haven't ya ever seen a freaking genius explain how to use Tampax to his little girl before?" I stook the applicator in my hand as I talked, the jam sponge flopping back and fourth on the string. Several spectators just turned and quickly walked away, probably thinking I was some kind of pedophile by now. "That's what I thought!"


"I TOLD her how to use it! I didn't SHOW her, Harry!" I quickly said as I snapped back to reality. Harry's attention shot back to Grace as he quickly resumed following her. So I had actually showed her how to use them. It's not like Harry had to know that, and what he doesn't know won't hurt him.

The end!

(Okay, so that was probably was pretty stupid, but it was my first attempt at writing fan fiction since I was 14! XD Hope some of you out there enjoyed that! Please no flames..x3 Me no likey fire!)