A/N: So here is my Summer Celebration project! A Mary-Sue bashing story, featuring about a completely oblivious Sue stumbling into a scenario where she does not belong. This is my first attempt at humor, so if you have a sudden urge to throw up at the ridiculousness of the whole idea, try not to do so on the keyboard. It makes it hard to flame me.
I do not own the Teen Titans. Unfortunately for me, the only thing I own is the annoying character that my mind created.
Don't Let a Mary-Sue into Titans Tower
It was a beautiful, sunny day when all things sane and even remotely normal came to a cruel (and rather abrupt) end. The Titans had been enjoying themselves, up until Cinderblock had decided that that day was a perfect day to attack the local mall.
"This is getting old," Raven grumbled, dodging a lamp-post that he tossed at her. She stuck out her hands, catching the very same projectile with her ebony-colored energy. She lifted it into the air, preparing to throw it, but hesitated, spotting another attack coming.
Starfire shouted a Tameranean battle-cry as she charged towards the creature, carrying her boyfriend by his hands. When she reached proximity to Cinderblock, she swung him around like a shot-put, sending Robin flying towards him. With a loud clang, Robin's steel-toed boots collided with Cinderblock's face.
Once Robin was out of the way, Raven threw the already-once been thrown streetlight towards him. Cinderblock let out a primitive yell, and turned towards the dark sorceress. Beast Boy took advantage of his distraction, transforming into a rhino and charging towards Cinderblock. Once the creature was in the air, both Cyborg and Starfire took advantage of the clear-cut target that the creature was, once lifted off of the Earth. Starbolts and sonic-cannon collided with him, sending him flying even further, and making his collision with the ground even harder.
Cinderblock just lay on the ground, groaning. Smoke from the two Titans' respective blasts still smoked up from his cement skin. Robin dialed up the police, and requested that he be picked up. The police chief responded positively, and then hung up.
The Titans waited patiently for the police to arrive. Smoke still billowed in the air, and the air around him was scorching. But apparently that didn't stop the adolescent female who had appeared out of nowhere. She stood on top of him, hands raised in the air in a sign of victory, as if she, not they had defeated Cinderblock.
She leapt off gracefully, apparently unaffected by the heat, and waltzed up to the Titans, smiling broadly.
Robin supposed that she might be considered pretty by some people. But not by him.
Her hair was a freakish shade of platinum blond, one that was never found in humans, her eyes were, (as she would later describe them) 'a deep, wondrous shade of blue, darker than the sky at midnight!' Her skin was scarily tan, as if she had either fallen asleep in a tanning booth, or been in a coma on a beach. She was scarily skinny, as if she hadn't eaten in the last six years, and yet she still managed to stay plenty large in certain…areas. Her outfit was even worse than her appearance, since she was wearing a very low cut neon pink tank-top coated in silver and gold sequins, a very, very short khaki mini-skirt with even more sequins, (pink this time) and her shoes, much to Beast Boy's distress, were knee-high boots made of polar bear fur, with even more freaking GLITTER! Every time that she moved, she sent a colossal wave of rainbows in all directions, blinding everyone within proximity of her.
"Um… hello," Robin said, startled.
"Hi!" said the girl, smiling broadly, "My name is Destinee Rose 'Sparkling' Saphyre Glow!"
The Titans all blinked. What kind of messed up, completely insane parent would name their child that?
"Anyways, I heard you needed someone on your team, so I decided that I would be the perfect addition to your team!"
"We had an opening on our team?" Beast Boy asked, very confused.
"Of course you do Beast Boy," she said, saying each word slowly, as if indicating that Beast Boy was dumb.
"Hey!" he yelled picking up on the insult.
She smiled sweetly at him.
"So, whaddaya say, Robbie?"
"Robbie?" Robin whispered, feeling very much confused.
"Oh, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!" Destinee screamed, tackling Robin in an embrace. Not nearly as crushing as Starfire's but twice as torturous. She pulled away with a humongous grin on her way-too pink lips and a communicator in her hand.
"What the… THAT'S MINE!" Robin yelled, realizing that the girl must have seized his communicator while embracing him.
"Thank you so much Robin! I'm so glad to join the team."
"You are not on the team," Starfire shouted, apparently taking a dislike to this girl, who was already getting on her nerves.
Oh poor Starfire. If only she knew.
"Thank goodness we got rid of her," Raven commented, settling down on the table. Destinee had simply vanished after a little while, screaming something about her long-lost cousin as she ran towards the school where they believed Terra went to.
"Yep," Cyborg agreed, looking very relieved at the girl's disappearance.
"What's up?" declared Destinee, appearing out of nowhere.
There she was, in all of her incredibly horrifying glory. Although, apparently she'd stopped at the beauty parlor, since her hair was now down to her knees, wavy, and chocolaty-brown.
"How the hell did you get in here?" Cyborg demanded, angry, "My systems should have kept you out!"
"'Sup, BB?" she asked, completely ignoring the metal man. Cyborg steamed in anger. Beast Boy, on the other hand, seemed to wish that he was the one that was being ignored.
"Please just leave," he pleaded, feeling creeped out under her wide-eyed stare and huge smile.
"I'm going to bed!" she announced, spinning on her heal, much to everyone's relief. "Night Robin," she whispered softly, in what Robin might just call a flirtatious manner, kissing him on the cheek. She waltzed off, and the door closed behind her.
Everyone turned their eyes to Starfire. The alien princess seemed to be frozen, except for the steam that appeared to be coming off of her, which made Beast Boy and Cyborg feel slightly nervous.
"Starfire?" Robin asked anxiously.
"WHY THAT KLORBAG!" she screamed, looking just about ready to charge through the doors, locate that insane girl, rip off her arms, and then force her to eat them.
"Starfire!" Robin yelled, grabbing her arm in vain hope that he might just be able to prevent her from performing a murder, which, he knew, although possibly enjoyable, might not look good if the tabloids picked up the story. He began to explain very carefully why it was not a good idea for Starfire to smash the girl into smithereens, making sure to also tell her that he did not like that girl at all.
For a second, he thought she might go do it anyways, but apparently she decided that the girl would not be worth murdering.
"Team meeting?" asked Raven.
"Who is she?" Cyborg yelled, furiously confused.
"Why isn't she out of the Tower yet?" Robin replied, looking at Cyborg pointedly.
"I don't know," admitted the metal man, pulling up a security camera image from just a few minutes ago, just when Destinee had appeared. "All I know is this. She doesn't show up any scans, not even on the camera." The Titans realized that, sure enough, the creepy girl failed to show up on the recording. It appeared as if they were insane and talking to thin air. "I've thrown everything I could at her," continued Cyborg, pointing at the place where she should have been, "But everything refuses to admit that she's even there!"
"But she is there, surely," Starfire said, frowning, "Am I not correct?"
"She is, Star, that's the thing," Cyborg replied, groaning.
"Maybe she isn't!" Beast Boy yelled, leaping into the air eagerly as he got an idea.
"Beast Boy," Raven began, cradling her head in her hands.
Here me out, Raven!" the green changeling said, pulling a whiteboard that Robin sometimes used for briefings for missions down from the ceiling. He grabbed a marker as well, and began to prepare to explain his latest idea.
"Remember that time when Robin got infected with all of that hallucination stuff that Slade put his mask?" Beast Boy rattled off at a high speed, drawing a crude image of Robin and an even worse example of Slade's mask.
Everyone nodded warily.
"So what if Slade pumped the whole Tower full of the stuff," he continued, drawing a Tower with anime-like versions of the Titans standing on the roof smiling, including Raven, "So then he gets all of us? And then he makes the crazy girl appear, just to drive us all insane!" as he finished, he drew up a surprisingly accurate image of Destinee, and wrote above her, 'Weird, crazy, stalker, girl,'
The Titans stood at him, "Wow," was all they could say.
Before anyone could say anything else, though, the horrible smell of something burning on a stove entered their noses.
"Ugh!" Cyborg groaned, plugging his nose, "That smells even worse than tofu!"
"Hey!" Beast Boy yelled, distracted from his theory, dropping the marker on the ground.
"Is it just me, or does that smell like someone," Robin began, only to be interrupted by a fire alarm.
The Titans all dashed towards the kitchen, only to freeze. Destinee Rose 'Sparkling' Saphyre Glow stood in the kitchen, humming some horrible hip-hop song very off-keyly, and scooping large amount of burned something onto six plates.
"What are you doing?" Robin demanded.
"Who wants breakfast?" declared the now scarlet-haired girl, smiling flirtatiously at Robin, ignoring both his question and his steaming girlfriend.
"It's seven o'clock at night!" Raven noted, glancing at the clock on the wall.
"So who wants some?"
"Not me!" Beast Boy yelled, spotting empty three cartons of eggs and two open packets of bacon next to the now ruined pan.
"Yay!" sang the ignorant female, pushing a huge spoonful of her toxic non-vegan sludge into his mouth. Beast Boy made a choking noise as he tasted the disgusting 'food.'
"What is this stuff?" Beast Boy gasped out, glaring at her.
"Scrambled eggs and bacon, BB! Your favorite!"
"Since when does Beast Boy do the consuming of the eggs of chickens and the milk of cows?" Starfire inquired.
"He doesn't, Starfire," Robin said, shaking his head, "She's just crazy."
"Do you mind me asking? What planet are you from?" Raven said, looking at this girl.
"My home planet Sparklevillia, home to the famous species, the Mary-Sues!" declared the girl, her hair changing again, taking on a green hue.
The Titans all looked at each other and blinked simultaneously.
A/N: And there it is! Chapter one! If you have any ideas, I'd be glad to hear them. If you can think of anything to make Destinee even more Sue-ish, please be sure to tell me.
Oh, and if you've noticed any parallels from this story and one of my others, let it be known that they are completely intentional.
Please review! Hinn-Raven.