She cries.

I'm there.

This is how life with Neimi works. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for the world...

But sometimes... I wish I could be the one to be comforted, not always the one who consoles.

The way I see it, Neimi needs help to stand up straight and know everything is okay. And I enjoy being that help. But as her one true means of comfort, I have to always come across as being unfazed by everything, having a 'been there, done that' attitude constantly.

To show weakness would be to let down my friend... And I would sooner die than to let Neimi down. But behind my outward confidence, I've been constantly worried about life as well...

Yet... If I show regret and despair for things such as her grandfather dying, who exactly is going to be the one there to tell her it will be okay? So instead of showing how upset I really was, I pretended it was just a fact of life that people die. And to this day it kills me to act so nonchalantly toward the death of someone who was so dear to me. He was just as much my grandfather as he was hers...

This war has given me fear about the future. I don't know how things are going to end. I don't know if the next meal, the next sleep, the next hug from Neimi is going to be my last. And the thought of dying- or worse, losing my best friend- prematurely scares me endlessly. But for the sake of letting Neimi live a happy life, I have to pretend I have confidence I don't completely have.

If I showed her that I was afraid, how could she go on? It's only with my words of comfort that she doesn't constantly break down. And I'm glad I provide that kind of support to her, but it's hard to lie to her. I don't always know it's going to be okay... The only thing I can promise her is that no matter what happens, I will always be there for her until the end. She knows I will stand by her for as long as I live... I just wish I could assure I would always be around to protect her.

I haven't told her yet, but I know that I love her. I hope she at least fools around with the thought that I do. However, I'm afraid to tell her because I don't want to cause her even more grief if I end up dying in this war... And the pain of keeping your true feelings for someone- someone you feel this strongly about- in the dark is unbearable...

But like I said, I can't show my fear and insecurity about anything. I need to be Neimi's support, that one special person in her life that she knows she can count on. And if hiding my true insecurities and doubts is the only way to do that. If hiding in the dark when everyone is fast asleep is the only time to be with all of my tears that I shed for all my sadness. If my emotions have to remain hidden for the rest of my natural life. So be it.

I can honestly say that Neimi is worth the pain.