Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this story as it spiraled out of control...
Please see the end for Author Notes.
Somehow the staff of Hogwarts had managed to convince the student body to exit the safety of their dorms to come down for food. For Gryffindor it might have to do with the constant, haunting giggles drifting down from the highest reaches of the tower, but that was only an assumption based on the huge bags under the students' eyes and the strange twitch some of them took whenever anyone laughed.
Thankfully, the two students who had been the source of the giggling were placidly silent as they ate in their special seats next to the dreamy looking blonde with a butterbeer cork necklace. Apparently the muggle potion that they had been given was very effective, despite their discussion about the end of the world. They just seemed to be blissfully happy and relaxed.
The attention given to them was stripped away with a vengeance as Dumbledore stood up and held open his arms with a flourish. "Attention students! Due to... extenuating circumstances, we have a new professor to instruct you through the mysteries of Defense Against Dark Arts...
"In 30 minutes, get the Delorean ready to go." Harry hissed at Luna, "I have a feeling we'll need to leave, fast."
"Please welcome your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Ashley J. Williams!" Dumbledore cried out as a dirty blond man stood up and waved his good hand over his head bearing an odd metallic looking wand.
"Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? Thiss... is my boomstick!" Ashley shouted to the students sitting and watching in rapt attention, minus a few muggleborns who were making plans to flee past the zombies and the Forbidden Forest. "The twelve-guage double barrelled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about seventy galleons. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. You got that?"
"I'll have it ready as soon as we get out of here." Luna hissed back as the man began to stroke the gun lovingly with what appeared to be a chainsaw mounted to his other hand.
"Now then, is there any questions?" Dumbledore asked, once again stealing the spotlight from far more interesting characters.
"Where's the best exit?" One of the students asked, hopefully.
"The Weasley Twins know them," Dumbledore answered with a blissful smile on his face as he looked out over the school as a whole.
"They left ten minutes ago," The same student called out again.
"Then follow the ones that know where they go," McGonagall cut in with a sigh as she pointed to a little stand that had been set up with a map plastered to the surface of the desk.
"Five minutes ago," The students called out.
"Just use the bloody map!" Snape snapped as he grew sick of the stupid arguments.
A chunk of the roof then dropped onto said map, destroying it as several zombies broke in through a water-damaged roof section.
"Erm, Professor? Is there supposed to be a mob of rotting, shambling corpses in the corner moaning for our brains?" Hermione asked as she and Harry made their exit through the main doors, having their table set up there as part of the quick exit strategy should the giggles start up again.
"Now, here is how you use a boomstick..." the new DADA teacher announced, "Another option is something called a blasting hex. Aim between the eyes."
Mercifully for the final tenuous thread of their sanity, the pair had left before the splattering of goo that was formerly brains started covering the walls and students in the Great Hall. Those that hadn't run for the safest place, calling for school elves to get their trunks.
After a short trip to the Chamber of Secrets, the pair found a frowning Luna waiting for them. "It won't start..."
"Just jab wand into starter assembly," Hermione read off a scrawled note, "Don't try to run it much past the horde, F. and G."
"Tried that, didn't work," Luna explained as she pointed to where her wand was still in the assembly.
Dobby then appeared, carrying two large metal cans. "Where Wheezys? They say bring gas to car, because car not got any," he declared as pointing to the barrels.
"It's a fuel injection system, isn't it?" Hermione asked with a heavy sigh. "It won't run if we don't fix the entire system... Umm... any chance of Rufus or the TARDIS saving us?"
Dobby smirked, and several house elves appeared, in greasy outfits. "Let's get to it." The lead one said, "Been a while since someone brought a car in. Wondered why the kid wanted gas for an old classic like this. We'll have it done before the horde outside find ya, guaranteed."
The three students didn't want to know, didn't need to know, but the car was quickly hovering, with the lead mechanic house elf saying, "Don't go hitting any cars again with it."
"He hit us, setting off the current apocalypse," Harry explained for the elves to nod.
"Well, good news is that muggles are a lot better at dealing with them than magicals, but the magical population centres will be sealed by sundown." The mechanic explained, "Make yourself scarce, you're probably going to be some of the last living magicals in the United Kingdom by then."
"Harry... Rufus hasn't come, The Doctor hasn't come, and this place is about to be quarantined." Hermione hissed, "Notice anything wrong?"
"The time circuits are fried? We aren't resetting... oh and Luna's freaking out a bit..." Harry ticked off as he wondered how they were going to get the car out of Hogwarts in the first place.
"Blast the wall down, it doesn't matter, none of it matters..." Luna declared, giggling softly as she rocked back and forth. "Nothing matters, it's the end, game over man... GAME OVER!"
"I think we're alone in this one, Hermione," Harry mused as he strapped Luna into the back seat firmly and took the passenger seat. "You're the only one of us that hasn't crashed, either cars or mentally, so you're driving... I call shotgun."
"No, I think the last DADA teacher did already." Luna giggled, "Blam, Blam, Blam..."
"Right... So, with the fuel and the repairs, think we can get to France or America easiest?" Harry offered lamely as a pair of sunglasses, one snap-on, the others conventional, dropped down in front of each of them. "It's several hundred miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a thread of sanity, it's the coming of the apocalypse... and we're wearing sunglasses?"
"Hit it," Hermione declared as she stomped on the accelerator, leaning out the window while Harry mimicked her on the other side.
Together the pair shouted, "CONFRINGO!" causing a massive section of the wall to explode outward, showing off a rather bumpy looking ramp up towards the sunny skies and shambling horde, many of which were now a fine past under the rubble. Inside the car, things seemed to have settled into something of a normal drive. Harry and Luna blasted anything that moved outside the car between giggles, and Hermione just drove like a maniac through the thinnest part of the horde until she could get some sky between her and the ground.
"You know, they don't call a Royale with Cheese a Royale with Cheese in the states, right?" Hermione asked as she flattened what had once been Cho Chang. It was satisfying to hear her head go 'squish'.
"They don't?" Harry asked belatedly after blowing away the remains of Percy Weasley. He actually had a special bullet for when he saw the remains of Ron.
"No, they don't have royalty there, so they call it something different," Hermione explained as she took out a line of Slytherin students, inadvertently sparing Draco being turned by killing him first.
"Haaarrrry... Get back here," Dumbledore's voice moaned, "You must attend Hogggggwarts..."
"CONFRINGO!" Hermione snapped in the direction of the voice, causing the venerable wizard to explode, taking out the other people around him.
Once they were safely airborne, Harry turned to Hermione with a curious expression on his face. "So if they don't call it a Royale with Cheese, what do they call it?"
"Oh, a quarter-pounder," Hermione finished with a cheeky smile on her face.
That smile faded when Harry asked, "What is a Royale with Cheese?" inadvertently pointing out just how isolated his life before Hogwarts had been.
"First time we see the Golden Arches, we stop for gas and food, even if we're good for the former," Hermione declared firmly. Far below, a man stood next to a frizzy brown haired woman and another man with slicked back black hair.
"So, why are we not rebooting it again?" The man asked the other one.
"Let's give them a happy ending... and what's more happy than the eradication of all the arseholes that made Harry's life miserable?" the other man answered with a chuckle as he turned to walk away. "Hey, can we get some food before we go? I've always wanted to try real British cuisine."
"And don't ask me to break another Delorean. It was annoying to break into that place." The woman snapped, "It's harder than finding something under a perception filter."
Both men laughed, the American dropping a circuit board into a trash bin as they passed it. Yes, a happy ending was best.
As they walked away, the American paused and looked at his companions. "Wait... who taught Hermione to drive again?"
"Oh, some bloke named Coop from Jersey," the woman answered with a smirk, "That's spoilers though. And they'll make it to New York before she crashes. That I will tell you for free."
"Well, good to know I suppose," the American said before turning towards the direction they'd been heading. "So... about that food?"
Author's Notes: That's it folks, the end... for now. Thank you to all my loyal readers and reviewers. There might be more coming up with the trio in America, but for now I'm focusing on other projects. For a sample, please leave "Grand Finale" in a review.