Once upon a time there was a werewolf named Remus and he was pretty sweet I guess. But he was best friends with a guy named Sirius who was way cooler and also was part grizzly bear or maybe just part awesome. Anyway Sirius could turn into a dog which is part of what made him so awesome. Remus turned into a wolf but he also PMSed a lot when the moon was waxing or some shit, so it wasn't as awesome. Sirius tried to placate him with chocolate and James did too, oh by the way they had a friend named James and he was pretty cool. They also had a friend named Peter who later doomed them all to horrible and tragic deaths so we don't talk about Peter and we don't invite him to Thanksgiving or anything. He keeps telling us he's not American and doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving but everybody knows that's bullshit because the whole world celebrates Thanksgiving, being American has nothing to do with it, duh.
Anyway so Remus was walking down the street one day, singing to himself about love and looking for it in all the wrong places. Suddenly Sirius came tumbling down from the roof of a WaWa convenience store and landed on Remus's face. Remus ran away SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS while Sirius flounced after him, making bird noises.
The next day, Remus and Sirius went to the zoo. Remus bought seven parrots and eight antelopes from an illegal zoo-dealer. Then he sold Sirius to the illegal zoo-dealer for $11.65. Sirius was happy because he had always wanted to live in a zoo, but when he was filling out the housing application he made a mistake and accidentally wrote his name as Adolf Hitler so they threw him out because they had a strict No Hitlers in Zoos policy.
Sirius somersaulted all the way back to Remus's house, which was actually just a fort built out of old Converse sneakers that people threw away after they grew up and stopped being hip. The door was made out of Pokemon.
"Charizard," said the door as Sirius somersaulted through, alerting Remus to the intrusion. Remus immediately ran away SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS but this time Sirius was prepared with his very own SCOOTER! He scootered after Remus and the chase went on for years.
Finally, in 1892, Remus got tired and stopped at a Krispy Kreme for a strawberry doughnut but THEY WERE OUT OF STRAWBERRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! So he got raspberry instead but it wasn't the same AT ALL and he cried and cried and cried, and his tears were actually lemons and they filled up the Krispy Kreme and totally put it out of business due to lemon damage.
So Sirius was waiting outside with a giant net and when Remus walked out, wiping his lemon tears away, Sirius caught him! Kapow! Like that! Remus freaked the hell out and began reciting prayers that he'd just made up.
"Oh Lord our God, please save me from Sirius Black because he is so pretty and made of beautiful butterfly snot," Remus pleaded with the heavens.
Then the heavens opened up and down descended Jebus! Jebus had many hats on. One of them was a bowler hat with eleven feathers in it! He winked at Remus and devoured the hat, then ascended back up into the sky. Remus's life was changed forever.
"OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT SONG!" Sirius suddenly yelled.
"OH MY GOD ME TOO!" Remus replied.
Then they began singing Mary Had a Little Lamb, the remixed version, and then they went to Sweden because that's where the song originated only it was in Swedish at the time.
Anyway so then James fell off of a mountain and everyone went to the funeral which was in Sweden too because everybody loves Sweden, bitches.
Only James wasn't dead, he just wanted to have a funeral for practice and it worked out pretty well so they all played soccer afterward and drank martinis in somebody's basement because basements are the ONLY PLACE you should EVER drink martinis.
Dumbledore came too and he had so many martinis that everyone found out the plot of the seventh book and nobody even asked him he just told them all!
Then they went on a horse-and-carriage ride, each in their own carriage, and SUDDENLY Dumbledore's carriage broke away from the horse and he went rolling down a hill, SCREAMING HIS LITTLE LUNGS OUT. I forgot to tell you that he was a midget for a while but then he got taller later when Harry was born, it was a Christmas miracle.
So everybody jumped from their carriages and ran after Dumbles to save him! But they lost him in the river Thames which was in Sweden for a while by the way.
So then they made LOST: DUMBLEDORE (MIDGET VERSION) posters and posted them everywhere, all around the world and Remus wept his horrible lemon tears until everybody was like, "SHUT THE FUCK UP REMUS, MAKE LEMONADE!" They thought that maybe if they turned the lemons into lemon drops they might be able to attract Dumbledore and trap him, but he was too smart for such trickery!
Many years passed. One day Sirius took his scooter to a mechanic because Remus ate the tires in a fit of hysteria. The mechanic was suspiciously short and said strange things like, "Oh dear, I almost forgot, my crazy sister is dead."
"DUMBLERDORRRRRRRFFFFF?" Sirius cried, and the mechanic gasped in shock and surprise and astonishment and bafflement and flabbergastation. He ripped off his face and IT WAS DUMBLEDORE OH MY GOD IT REALLY WAS!
Sirius and Dumbledore embraced and then Dumbledore said, "Okay, you found me, but later on when you're accused of betraying your BFF James I will DEFINITELY NOT HAVE YOUR BACK, bro."
Sirius wasn't listening because he was busy eating marmoset pie.
Then Remus made a snowmobile with his bare hands and everyone went to Alaska for a test drive!