If. How I love and hate those two letters, and the word if forms. Those two letters have more meaning then I once could have imagined, that small word forces my mind to wonder to a place I know will never really exist. What could have been, and what never will be.
Because, you know, after all these years, I still love her.
I love you so much it hurts me. Am I just a fool?
I'll force myself to be happy for her, she's already found her happiness in him. He will give her the happiness she deserves, and according to fairytales, they'll live happily ever after. Why is it that my best friend will receive that fairytale that I've been always longing for in my heart?
Once, I believed that I loved the woman who brought me out of my shell, so I chased after her blindly; stumbling like the child I was back then. I had stumbled so much I when the girl who opened my eyes has already passed by me in this life.
Why was I too late to see you in my life?
I was so foolish, to brush her away with the promise of only friendship, to brush away her feeling with no emotion, to deceive myself. I know I love her, the girl who moved on, I know I love her.
I am such a fool. I hate living in this regret. Because of this regret, I sometimes forget myself.
In this room, when the lights go off, there is only darkness. Reaching, blind as I felt, I knocked a few things over, feeling them against my skin, and hearing them when they hit the floor, as I reached for my phone which had to be among the few things that I place on the small table next to my bed. My hands closing around the cellphone, I took it, then turned it on once it was in my hands in front of me.
The light from the phone illuminated this empty room. Pressing a button, I went straight to the many contacts I had. Most being business contacts, not friends. Scrolling down the contacts slowly I took my time. A...B...C...D... Domyouji, Tsukasa. The name I was dreading to see. But it wasn't the name I was looking for.
Stopping at a single name, I paused there. All that was there for the heading was her first name. A simple name, address and number, no business, no title, no value as a possible asset, nothing. My thumb hesitated over the call button, then moved away from that small green button. My thumb seemed to have a mind of its own, or maybe my heart controlled it.
I should be happy for her, the one closest to my heart. The only girl who's ever changed it, who understands it.
Forcing myself to press down on the button, I slowly raised the phone to my ear, almost hoping that no one would pick up on the other side.
Was I just torturing myself even more?
"Hello?" I heard her voice.
"Rui?" She said my name.
"Tsukushi." How the just sound of her voice could make me smile. "Are you well?"
"I'm fine Rui, Tsukasa Domyouji is being a annoying as usual, all this security, I think i've actually forgotten the meaning of privacy!" she said in that tone of exasperation that I hear so often.
This happiness I feel only lingers here for a short time, I feel is slipping away already.
"He loves you, and you love him, you guys are getting married tomorrow after all"
Maybe, with that sentence, the brief spell of happiness has been brushed away.
A sigh, so loud it came over the phone, loud and clear, "Well, Tsukasa's going a little bit too far in showing his love"
I forced out a laugh. "He cares for you, be glad that he cares so much." I said. "Be happy" I whispered, just loud enough for her to hear.
Those last two words had so much more meaning than they ever should've had.
"Rui! Stop defending him so mu-!"
Whenever she started these complaints about Tsukasa, I felt like laughing.
Was I merely amused, or is there a part of me that's secretly pleased?
I love. I'm sorry. I love you.
Breathing in deeply, I put away those words I so desperately wanted to say.
"I've never truly congratulated you on your engagement with Tsukasa."
I heard her gasp. I heard her breathing.
"I wish you happiness in every way Tsukushi"
There, it was done. There is no going back. Those words that I wanted to say would stay inside me, never to be spoken in this lifetime.
No, she wouldn't do anything stupid anymore, the place I had beside her, as her protector and best friend was no longer there. She had matured so much in the past few years. While I had lived in the past, she had grown up.
"Thank you Rui, you know how much this means to me."
And I did know what it meant, and maybe so that was why I was so reluctant to give her my blessing, for those few words to leave my mouth.
I blinked. There seemed to be something running down my cheeks.
These aren't tears. I don't cry. I never had before.
I opened and closed my eyes frantically, trying to the free flowing liquid.
"It's late now, you should eat." The voice that came out of my lips was still thankfully strong.
"Ok then, Goodnight Rui, thanks"
"Bye. Seeyou tomorrow"
I love you.
Those three words I would never be able to say.
I wiped the moisture from my face. I was happy for them. I had to be. I love her so much, that I'm going to let go Maybe that's a form of love as well. Letting go.
Or was it an attempt for me to feel better about myself?
Am I so selfish that I am saying I'm letting go because I love you?
Either way, congratulations Tsukasa, you've won.
I hope, one day, this pain will lessen,
I hope, one day I will understand,
I hope, one day, these tears I shed as a boy will be forgotten.
And, I hope, one day, I will believe this is possible.
To see her smile, a part of my hear has already been filled, as I see her give her heart to another man, I'll smile, and be happy.
This much I can do to repay her,
Only if I had not been so foolish.
A/N: I hope you've enjoyed this, this is a the first chapter of a very small story about Rui, and what happens to him after. This chapter was inspired by the song "Man's Tears" By Jerry Yan, who, ironically, plays Tsukasa in the Taiwanese version of HYD.
Thanks for reading, and please review~