A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DRACO! My official birthday-fic for the lovely Draco Malfoy. As usual, this is slash and actually, it's not beta'd. Anyway, I'm sorry for not updating Two Months Of Paradise - which you should by the way check out if you like Albus/Gellert, that pairing will be BIG when the movies comes out since the actors says they're "onscreen lovers" - but it's been VERY much in school, though I have summer holidays next week! As for the crackiness in this fic, I've read Nightlight: A Parody right before I wrote this so.. yeah.

Disclaimer: I can ensure you that I'm not a british middle-aged woman with a loads of money.

There Is No Such Thing As "Too Old" for sex

Harry fluttered his eyes open a little but closed them again. The sun shining through the window in his bedroom dazzled him so he rolled over. Blonde smooth hair tickled his nose and he breathed in the scent of his husband.

"Happy birthday, honey." He whispered in Draco's ear. Harry turned the half-sleeping Draco around so they were facing each other. "Baby, wake up. It's you birthday." As soon as he said "birthday", Draco's eyes shut open. But instead of a smile, Draco's expression was of panic. Before Harry could open his mouth, one single sentence explained it all.

"I'm old."

Harry sighed.

"Draco, we've already had this discussion. Dumbledore's old. You're not." Harry caressed Draco's hair and moved closer to kiss him, but a hand on his chest stopped him.

"My hair is losing its colour!" Draco cried and sat up on the edge of the bed. His emerald green boxers were silky and Harry touched them in a perverted way.

"Draco. You're hair has always been pale. Stop being so melodramatic and come back to bed." Harry stroked his fingers gently over the curve of Draco's back . Draco moved away from the touch.

"Don't even try that. I know you just want me for my body." Not that thing again. Harry sat up next to Draco and kissed his collarbone.

"You know that's not true.." Harry mumbled into Draco's neck. Draco suddenly stood up. He picked up his pants and a shirt from the floor, taking them on as he went out of their bedroom and smashed the door behind him. Harry sighed.

He needed to fix this. Even though it seemed impossible, it wasn't. It had been the same thing last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. Actually, practically every year since Draco turned 24, he had been like this. Harry wasn't the person who would marry someone and swear to love them forever and ever just because he thought the person was sexy – and oh boy, Draco was very sexy – and just wanted the person for his body. Harry just didn't understand how Draco would even think that.

He picked up his sex-dairy from the floor and took a pen from the bedside table.

June 5th 2010

Dear sex-diary,

Bad news. Draco's birthday didn't go as planned. I was going to surprise him by giving him the best sex he ever had, but he just said that he was old. Can you even get too old for sex? Well, maybe if you're eighty and barely can move, but he's thirty! And his body is smoking! Which reminds me, he thinks that I just want him for his body. Not true. Now I have to get him to have sex with me again. Seriously, I'm a man! I have my needs. And I need Draco.

Harry sighed again and put the diary away on the table and walked out to the kitchen, expecting Draco comfort-eating cheerios as usual. Draco wasn't there. He went to the living-room, expecting Draco to watch Oprah or some other bad TV-show. Draco wasn't there. Harry entered the bathroom, expecting to see Draco with a mudpack, cucumber on his eyes and sitting in a steaming hot bath. Empty.

Harry suddenly panicked. What if Draco actually had left him? He wouldn't do that, would he? I mean, they had been together forever. Okay, not forever, but like, since they ended Hogwarts? Harry's breathing sped up as he thought of being alone in this big – it wasn't that big actually, though Harry sometimes imagined that it was – flat without his Draco running around in his hot pink apron, which by the way made his arms look stunning.

Harry ran back to bedroom again and sat by his computer. Nope, Draco hadn't changed his relationship-status on facebook. It was all good then. But where was he? Harry got up from the chair he currently sat on and ran outside their building, totally forgetting about clothes.

"DRACO!" He screamed up at the sky, his hands around his mouth for the effect. "DRACO? Where are you!"

"Harry..? What are you doing?" Harry spun around and suddenly he stared into the gray eyes of Draco Malfoy.

"Err, you disappeared.. so I thought I would go look for you."

"In just underwear? Smart plan. Anyway, I was just buying some cigarettes, no big deal." Draco said nonchalantly and shrugged.

"But Draco, darling, you don't even smoke." Harry said and looked at the lighter in Draco's hand.

"I do now." Draco picked up a cigarette from the pocket of his jeans and lit it. He put it in his mouth and inhaled. Not even a second had passed before he was having a fit of coughing.

"Oh god.." Draco said with a raspy voice, "no wonder I never started smoking. This shit is terrible! And from what I've heard, it destroys your skin." He made a face of horror and Harry gave him a sympathetic look.

"Hey Draco, now that you've had your first smoke and everything.. let's go inside, okay? It's freezing here!" He put his arms around himself and shuddered. "And Dray, I love you. I would never replace you, and I don't just want you for your body." Draco kissed him on the cheek.

"Aww, Harry, that's so sweet! But what If I get fat and get's all wrinkly and gets big moles all over my face and I get stiff and can't fulfill your sexual perverted fantasies that you need a limber body for, would you still stay?" Draco said in a very fast speed.

"Of course, Draco. I'll always stay by your side." Then he kissed Draco passionately on the mouth, their tongues practically having sex with each other. Draco led him back in to their apartment, and into the bedroom again. Harry picked up the rubber duck from under the bed and the chopsticks from the table. He was so going to give Draco the best birthday-present evaaaaah.

June 6th 2010

Dear sex-dairy,

It worked out well with Draco, don't worry. Though we need to buy a new bed. Anyway, it was totally awesuuuuum! Can't write down the details now though, Draco needs some assistance in dressing. He says his ass hurts. And why is that? I'll tell you.

I'm the best husband ever.