Disclaimer: No profit is made from this work. Its purpose is to promote the show through exploration of the characters/settings/situations.
AN: This is meant to be cracky and totally non-serious. Enjoy.
The girls had won the coin toss, meaning they got to infiltrate the ship while the guys remained on the Megaship, which was nicely hidden behind a nearby moon. Once they'd arrived it took exactly twenty-six seconds before Cassie dodged around a corner and began scratching her back against a doorway.
"I hate these uniforms," she moaned.
Ashley, one hand bent awkwardly over her shoulder, said, "How do these people live? This is supposed to be an advanced society, centuries ahead of our own, how can they not have comfortable fabric?"
"Could we be wearing them wrong or something?" Cassie asked. She stepped away from the door and adjusted the red uniform top, hoping it hadn't wrinkled too noticeably. The movement of the cloth against her skin only made the itchy feeling return but she forced herself not to think about that.
"No," Ashley moaned, dropping her arm petulantly. "Maybe instead of developing non-itchy fabric they evolved past feeling it."
Both whirled and saw James T. Kirk all but strutting down the hall towards them.
"That's him, right?" Cassie hissed.
"Yep," was all Ashley had time to say before the captain was standing over them.
"May I ask what the two of you were doing?" he asked, his smirk barely keeping his laughter at bay.
The girls exchanged a look and Ashley admitted, "Scratching."
"Our new uniforms aren't very comfortable," Cassie explained.
Kirk chuckled then. "How did you two make it through the Academy?"
This time the girls exchanged an affronted look before giving Kirk the full force of their glares. Even he had to back up a step at that.
"I mean," he said quickly, using his talking-to-a-girl-who-had-every-right-to-be-angry voice, "how did you make it through the Academy without being told? You have to wash the uniforms at least three times before they're anywhere near wearable. Locals don't even try to use the laundromats in San Francisco for the first week of classes."
"Oh," the two chorused sheepishly.
"Personally, I think some admiral somewhere thinks -" An alarm cut Kirk off and yellow lights flashed up and down the hall. He let out a long-suffering sigh and held up his hands. "I know the two of you are supposed to report - somewhere - but can you glare on command?"
Ashley waited a beat before turning to Cassie and asking, "He did just say -?"
"Yeah," Cassie said.
"I think the two of you, angry, would be a very useful weapon if we're being attacked. Come on." He waved for them to follow and began jogging towards the turbolift, leaving the two no choice but to follow.
It was the longest turbolift ride of his life. The two women - Kirk still didn't know their names, he was ashamed to say - seemed to be communicating silently with one another. Never before had he seen such a perfect example of female telepathy.
He was more than happy to escape that stifling room and enter the bridge.
"Four minutes ago a ship dropped out of warp just outside the system," Spock said, rising from the command chair without even having to look to know it was Kirk entering the room. "They have since begun moving on an intercept course. Our hails have been ignored."
"Wonderful," Kirk muttered, noting that the two women took up positions on either side of the bridge, out of the way but in full view of everything, as if they had their own purpose for being there. He filed that information away, making sure to give Spock a significant look so the Vulcan noticed them. He could watch them more easily than Kirk could.
Sulu half-turned. "Their weapons were powered even before they dropped out of warp and their ship design is unfamiliar."
"A misnomer, Mr. Sulu," Spock interrupted. "Their ship design does not tell us their origin, but it is familiar." He nodded over Kirk's shoulder.
"On screen," Uhura said and the viewscreen came to life.
"It's a fish," Kirk said distastefully even as one of the two women, he wasn't sure which one, let out a low curse.
"They're hailing," Uhura said, her tone making it clear that she was annoyed with the aliens. If her station wasn't out of the viewscreen's range Kirk would use her to intimidate the enemy. He nodded curtly and she patched the fish-ship through.
The bridge that appeared was small, the walls the same copper as the ship's hull. The purple-haired woman lounging in the captain's chair like it was a throne looked more foolish than intimidating, but Kirk wasn't about to let appearances cloud his judgment. When she noticed she'd been put through she kicked her legs up and around to stand and gave a cry of, "Tiberius!"
"Oh, good Lord," muttered the woman who hadn't cursed. Kirk had to agree, a lifetime of only hearing his middle name as an insult or rebuke didn't leave him too fond of it.
"Have we met?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and giving the woman a bemused smile that had been known to disarm more than a few angry girlfriends.
"No, but your reputation does precede you. I must say, your pictures don't do you justice."
This time it was Uhura who let out a low gagging sound.
"I," the woman said imperiously, "am Divatox, pirate queen, scourge of the seven nebulas, and your future bride."
There was a beat of silence on the bridge. Followed by another beat.
"I'm sorry," Kirk said, "what?"
"I know, it's such an honor you'd never think you could be good enough. And frankly," she added with a frown, "you're a bit too good if you catch my drift, but that's what mind-altering potions and cybernetic implants are for! Now!" She snapped her fingers. "Let's get this wedding going!"
Strangely formed aliens began rushing to and fro on the fish-ship's bridge as Divatox walked back to her chair, a jaunty swish to her hips. When she fell back into her seat she said, "You'd better have that bachelor party fast, Tiberius. Wedding's in an hour."
The screen went black.
After several moments of gaping wherein Kirk felt every eye in the room turn to him, the two women walked slowly to the front of the bridge to stand before Chekov and Sulu.
"We're sorry," the one in gold said.
"Very sorry," the one in red added.
Kirk's mind seemed to catch up then. "You know the crazy pirate woman?"
"Unfortunately," they chorused with identical inflections of regret and annoyance.
"She's tried to kill us," the one in red said.
"A lot," the gold one said. "She almost did that one time."
The red one nodded, sorrow touching her expression momentarily.
"Do you know why she thinks I'm going to marry her?" Kirk cut in.
"Well," the gold one said with a wince.
"That's kind of our fault."
"But 'our' in the sense that there are more of us."
"Who are guys."
"And it's mostly their fault."
The girls hedged around the subject for as long as they could, which wasn't long, and eventually had to explain everything to the captain and entire bridge crew of the Enterprise. Including Dr. McCoy, who Uhura had apparently called the minute someone mentioned Kirk and marriage in the same sentence. Whether she did it as a joke or was serious in thinking the captain may need medical attention, neither girl was sure.
"We're from an alternate universe," Ashley said as quickly as possible, thinking it was like a band-aid, best removed quickly. "And in our world you're -" She turned to Cassie, not sure how to phrase this next part.
"A television character," Cassie sighed.
"And movies!" Ashley added as if it would soften the blow.
Kirk gave her an incredulous look that clearly said it didn't.
"Anyway," Ashley went on, "we're - we -" She sighed, not sure how to explain the rangers.
"We live on this space ship," Cassie said, "which is not at all normal for people from Earth in our world."
"It's the late twentieth century," Ashley added.
Cassie nodded. "But it's not our ship, it belongs to this alien who we're friends with."
"And the two other people we live with, two guys from Earth like us, wanted to show Andros, that's the alien, how humans on Earth envision life in outer space. So they marathoned episodes of your show and their favorites from the movies. And it was all going really well until Divatox attacked us."
"She was trying to download important tactical information - the codes for our shields, the locations of rebel bases, that sort of thing - but all they got was, well, you."
McCoy was the first to speak. "You're famous, Jim. Star of your own TV show. And movies," he added with a nod to Ashley. "How does it feel?"
"Shut up," Kirk muttered.
"You all are," Cassie said.
"It's a show about all of you on the Enterprise," Ashley said.
"And she wants to marry him?" McCoy asked.
The girls shrugged.
"How did you arrive here?" Spock asked. "Assuming all of what you've told us is true, how did you or this Divatox woman manage to travel between universes?"
"It wasn't hard," Ashley said. "It's a lot like time travel, only sideways instead of up and down."
"But why," Kirk said loudly, stopping Spock's response that Ashley's explanation made no sense at all, "does she want to marry me?"
The girls shrugged as if it were obvious. "She thinks you're hot."
"Which is clearly all the reason Divatox needs," Cassie added with a grin. Ashley giggled and it was clear they were sharing some joke.
"What's so funny?" Sulu asked with such an innocent expression that it sent Ashley into a full-blown fit of laughter.
"Her last fiancé," Cassie explained, "was Maligore. They hadn't met before the wedding day either and he looked like he was made out of lava. Which he may have been, I've never been really clear on that part."
"You followed her here," Chekov said when Ashley had recovered, "you are clearly her enemies. You must have a plan to stop her."
"Fight," the girls said.
"There's really no other option with Divatox, especially when she's in a marrying mood," Ashley said.
"But you expect us to do that," Kirk said.
"Not alone," Cassie said, insulted at the implication. "We've got our own ship waiting to help out. We just have to give the guys the signal."
The two grinned and whistled a short tune.
"It's the sound our communicators make," Cassie explained. "We can't use them because if Divatox detects the signal she'll know what's coming. Right now she doesn't think you have a chance of beating her."
"Because you don't," Ashley added.
"I'm sorry," Uhura said, looking around the bridge, "but I think you're all forgetting something here."
"What is that?" Spock asked.
"We haven't even let these girls introduce themselves."
The men had the decency to look sheepish.
"Thank you," Uhura said kindly. "I assume you know all of us?"
"Oh yeah," Ashley said and the two smiled identical grins.
"They're insane," McCoy said. He'd pulled Kirk aside when Ashley and Cassie began going over the best plan of attack. Spock had, naturally, followed.
"It's not like this is the first time we've dealt with alternate realities," Kirk pointed out.
"Regardless," Spock said, "there is no way to verify what they say and they did infiltrate the ship."
"And they're insane," McCoy added. When all he got in response was one blank stare (Kirk) and one curious one (Spock) he went on, "They said that Diva woman thought Jim was hot, but they didn't say it as if the thought was laughable."
"If you're talking about trusting us," Cassie called across the bridge, "you don't really have a choice."
"They're right," Uhura said, "we're being hailed again."
"Divatox never was patient," Ashley muttered as she and Cassie retreated out of view. "Talk to her," she said to Kirk, "try to convince her you're not worthy of her."
McCoy, knowing that word was probably meant more as an indicator of Kirk's worth than Divatox's lack thereof, rolled his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Tiberius," Divatox cooed when she appeared, "but I just couldn't wait. Your bachelor party will have to wait until after you're dead. Now teleport on over here! You'll never guess who I got to officiate either! Ivan the Horrible himself."
"Doesn't she mean Terrible?" Kirk muttered before catching sight of Ashley and Cassie's pale faces. That wasn't good.
The two shook their heads as a purple man stepped into view.
"Hello, sonny!" he called happily.
Kirk tried to pay attention to whatever Ashley and Cassie were hissing at each other from opposite sides of the bridge, but they were again speaking in one of those languages men were not privy to.
"Tiberius," Divatox said seriously. "Why aren't you teleporting over here?"
"I don't know if I can," Kirk said, figuring it was best to go with the original plan. "I could never make you truly happy. No matter how true I tried to be I know I would stray, it's just in my nature, and I can't bear to imagine breaking your heart."
Divatox waved his objection off. "I'm not true either," she said, "that's why I'll just kill you when I get bored with you. Now, let's get this show on the road."
"Screw it," Ashley said and lifted her wrist to her mouth. She wore a band much like a watch and spoke into it. "Guys, we've got a problem."
"Divatox!" someone in the fish-ship cried. "We're detecting a ranger communication signal coming from within the Enterprise!"
"Sir," Sulu said, "another ship is coming into view. It appears to have been hiding behind the nearest moon."
"Kill them!" Divatox roared. Whether she was talking about the Megaship or the Enterprise no one knew for sure but the battle started all the same.
Kirk was sure that between them they could have won the firefight if the giant bug robot hadn't joined the fray.
"Do you have a plan B?" he yelled as Sulu announced shields were at forty percent.
"Not ex-" Cassie began just as the bug took a hit to the side, a hit no one could have fired.
"What the hell was that?"
Kirk ignored whoever was telling him they had no idea. If he wanted "no idea" he'd have asked himself.
The picture on the viewscreen seemed to shift slightly and Uhura said, "We're being hailed." She didn't wait for permission to put it through.
"I thought you might run into trouble all on your own out here," a voice said.
Cassie leapt over the bar to Uhura's station. "Phantom!" she cried happily.
"It's good to hear your voice, Cassie."
Kirk heard Ashley mutter, "Too cute," just before the bug exploded.
Divatox's roar of outrage filled the room and Uhura quickly cut her off.
"So you're just leaving?" McCoy asked.
"There's not really anything else for us to do here," Ashley said.
"And we're needed in our own universe," Cassie said. "It's bad enough that we left but Phantom too …"
"He wanted to make sure you were safe," Ashley said quietly.
Cassie blushed and bit her lip to keep from smiling too widely.
"What about Divatox?" Spock asked. "Are you certain she has left us?"
The girls glanced at one another and Cassie lifted her communicator. "DECA? Divatox went home, right?"
"Yes, Cassie," DECA said serenely. "Divatox exited the universe when Ivan's robot was decimated. The gravitational pull of her ship pulled all remains of the zord along with it."
"I thought you said the rest of you were guys," Kirk said.
"DECA's our ship's computer," Ashley said.
"This was a blast," Cassie said and quickly added, "except for the uniforms. I want my pink back," she said to Ashley.
"Yeah," Ashley agreed, "this gold just isn't working for me."
"Is it the colors or the itching?" Kirk asked with a chuckle.
"Both," the girls sighed.
Kirk wasn't sure how to take that and so stood, offering each an arm. "Ladies?"
"What are you doing?" Cassie asked.
"Escorting you to the transporter room."
They rolled their eyes and lifted their communicators.
"It was fun."
"Try not to get into too much trouble."
And they disappeared in twin beams of pink and yellow light.
"And still not the weirdest people we've ever met," McCoy sighed.
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