Amy couldn't understand my sadness but I didn't want her to, she didn't have to. If she knew the source of my sadness it would destroy her, bring her world crashing down. Some would call me selfish for not disclosing the truth to her, but then would she even believe me? To tell someone they have been engaged to someone who technically now doesn't and hasn't ever existed, would she even humour the idea?
"But Doctor, we've been travelling for so long now… I have needs." She purred tiptoeing her fingers up my lapels and to my ears, she tried to kiss me again and I let her. I let her kiss me for one chaste moment.
"No, Amy this can't happen I'm sorry. I'm very sorry but you wouldn't understand."
"Try me Doctor."
For a moment I contemplated telling her everything, I could feel her ring box pressing against my chest, the ring still in place. It was still a gift from Rory. Proof if you like that he existed, but would she believe that link?
"No Amy I'm sorry, you have no idea how sorry but I can't."
She relented after a while longer trying to seduce me and left me, explaining she would be in her room if I wanted to follow. I did, in a curious way I did but then I couldn't. I can't betray Rory, I'm the only one who holds his memory and I couldn't desecrate it by betraying him. It was hard enough watching Amy break down, again, watching her fiancé die then disappear into light, bright light that could destroy her too.
Amy bounced around as though nothing had happened, trying to coax me into adventure, trying to push me into a better mood and I suppose I should've been more grateful. But my hearts really couldn't bear it, she didn't remember the single most important person in her life and now she was trying to, well, replace Rory with me, the void Rory had now left was there and very real. To Amy it was nothing more than a natural desire to be close to someone else, to fulfil what are very primal desires. But to me, it made me sad. Knowing something that was unknown, is unknown.
I sat and stared at the ring in it's box for a long time while she slept, sat alone in my own bed but unable to sleep. That was until there was a knock at the door, Amy pushed it open and silently crept inside.
"Doctor I can't sleep."
"Me neither, but it's warm in here I'm not getting up." I said in a louder than needed voice trying to disguise the snapping sound the ring box created.
"Well, if we can't sleep then maybe."
"Do you know what I was going to suggest."
"Yes and the answer is still no, no Amy Pond I will not give in. No it's not going to happen."
"Why not?" She sounded perplexed and playful, ripping the duvet back she slid into the single bed beside me.
"No, Amy no I'm sorry no."
Amy didn't push for the intimacy the I'd expected her to demand, instead she rested her head against my chest and sighed, her hands clinging to my shirt. We stayed there for a while, Amy listening to the my twin hearts beating against my chest, I stroked her hair relieved I didn't have to counter her advances again.
"Doctor you're sad… I'm sad too but I just don't know why." Her fists tightened their grip on my shirt. "I feel so close to tears, like something is missing yet I don't know what. My life is more complete than a lot of peoples but I'm so…Miserable… Doctor am I a misery guts?"
I huffed as Amy pushed against my chest to help her get up but remained sat where I was. "Amy… I know exactly what you're feeling and you're right there is something missing, something not quite there."
"What is it?"
"I…" I paused looking deep into her eyes trying to find answers to my questions, did she know about Rory unconsciously? Would his mentioning Rory ignite a chain reaction of memories and thoughts to bring his memory back to the front of Amy's mind? Could I really risk that? I've been responsible for so many deaths already. "I don't know."
Amy raised an eyebrow. I should've known she wouldn't buy it.
"I'm sorry Amy I just don't know. Now. Where shall we go next? I think we could both use a holiday don't you? Holidays are very good, very therapeutic." I jumped out of bed and practically ran to the main Tardis console ready to press co ordinates, maybe if I could stay one step ahead of her I could make things right, if not right maybe better?
"Doctor can I ask you something?"
I could've sworn he saw her wipe a stray tear from her face but decided not to question her.
"Do you always go to bed fully dressed?"
Rather than answering her, very understandable question, I set co ordinates to set the Tardis in motion ready to take her on another adventure. Another adventure which unknown to Amy was an attempt to make up for the past, the past she couldn't remember or even begin to understand. A past I hope he could one day restore.