Summary: House reflecting, esp. on his feelings toward Wilson. Sort of like pre-preslash. Basically the same as my story "House's Musings" except starting in S2. Recap in case you forgot what happens.
A/N: Since I have nothing better to do this month, I'm re-watching every single episode of House. I spent last week watching Season One, and would have started there except the show starts out more about the medicine while we're still learning about the characters, and I think Season Two is a good starting place to delve into House's feelings, what with the return of Stacy and all. I don't know yet whether I'll write a musing for every episode or not, we'll just have to see. But I will write a recap at the top since I know I don't remember anything specific that happened since Mayfield and it's understandable if other people don't either.
Disclaimer: I do not own House or any of the characters. If I did, you wouldn't be reading this on fanfiction, you'd be watching it on TV.
Recap: Wilson is still married to Julie except the marriage is starting to fall apart, he may or may not be cheating on her. House and Cuddy kind of like each other but they keep their feelings inside because they don't know what they want, they know they shouldn't pursue a relationship so it's just meaningless flirting. Cameron thinks she's in love with House, they went on a date but nothing came of that. Stacy's husband Mark became sick, so she brought him to House to treat. While Mark was dying, House comforted Stacy. Then he fixed Mark. He's recovering. Cuddy offered Stacy a job so she could stay nearby while Mark recovers. Stacy said she'd take the job if it was okay with House. He said sure. Stacy took the job. She admitted to House he was "The One" but he made her feel lonely and Mark doesn't. Wilson thinks House wants Stacy around to try and win her back.
Stacy is back. Except she's not just back as a patient's wife. She's back as Stacy. She's not gonna go away when Mark gets better. She's got a job now. He is getting better, but she's still here. She may be here for a long time. She may be here forever. She and Mark may decide to stay here. Or she may decide...
No, she told me she won't. I make her lonely. But she does love me best. She left. I drove her away, but she left.
She loves me. I love her, but I don't know if I can ever forgive her.
Do I really want her back? Would I take her back if she wanted to?
Yeah, I would. I still love her. If she wanted to leave Mark for me I'd go with it. I think. I'm different with her. I touch her. I can tell her I love her. I let my guard down with her. She knows me. She probably knows me better than anyone. Even Wilson, I think. Yeah, she knows me better than Wilson. She has more time to spend to get to know me, she lived with me. I've known him longer but he doesn't focus on me.
When I was with Stacy I focused on her. Since I'm not anymore, the main person in my life switches over from girlfriend to best friend. But even though he describes his marriage as crap, his wife's still the main person in his life. Or maybe a girlfriend when he gets one of those. It's not me. But that doesn't matter.
Wilson said my agenda is to get back with Stacy. I didn't care if Mark lived or died, but that might have been to clear the way for me, or it might have been just to cause her pain because she causes me pain every waking minute of every day. But that doesn't mean I don't love her.
I don't...lay awake in bed thinking about her, I don't stare at her from across the room. It's not like that. It's just...when I'm with her, arguing back and forth or holding her on the roof...when I'm with her I'm comfortable. Comfortable. I don't feel that way with other people. Maybe Wilson. But it's not the same. She knows me better than him. When she's gone, he's the closest I have to comfort, but with her I'm there. He's frozen yogurt, but she's ice cream.
I can get used to not being with her. When I'm not with her, I forget how much I love her. I guess if you only eat frozen yogurt for five years, you forget what ice cream tastes like. But then when it comes back...you know...it was all just a substitute, but this is the real thing, the thing I really want.
I can't have it, at least not yet. And it's not the same, anyway. I love her but I haven't forgiven what she's done to me. Maybe I will someday but I don't know that.
If there were a way to fix my leg I'd forgive her. If I didn't hurt, if I didn't have to walk with a cane, I'd forgive her. She's worth it, I think, worth forgiving. She's the only person in my life I've ever loved to that extent.
I wonder if I could ever love anyone else the way I loved her.
I think I could love Cuddy, but she'd have to love me back.
That's the difference with Stacy. She loves me back.
It's not that I can't love anyone else the way I love her.
No one else can love me.
Cameron doesn't even count. She's an idiot. It's not me she loves. It's the idea of fixing me. I don't want someone who just wants to fix me. I want someone who loves me.
Cuddy...there's something there, but it's not...maybe it could happen someday, maybe we could feel for each other. There's potential there, but that's all it is right now.
There is one person I'm leaving out.
It's stupid. It's not the same. I don't love him that way. He's my friend. He was there for me. He cared for me when I was vulnerable. He still cares for me. He's the only one who does when Stacy's not here. That's the only reason.
There's no point in wondering if I could have something with him that I had with Stacy because first of all, the man's straight, and even if he's not completely he'd never face that. And just because I'm not that picky when it comes to the gender of my sexual partners doesn't mean I'm attracted to him. He's my friend. That's all it is.
Well, that would be all it is if we had a normal friendship. Except for the fact that he's my only friend and I'm his only real friend. So we compensate for that a little. Maybe we're closer than normal friends are. But it's still just platonic.
He said I'm planning on getting back with Stacy. I don't see that ending well. That doesn't make it untrue. Of course, there's the issue of her having a husband, but she admitted she loved me more. The One, she called me. But she also said she's lonely with me.
If she was like that before she fucked up my leg, it'd be even worse now. When the pain gets bad sometimes, I'll just lash out at her. She'll wake up in the middle of the night and I won't be next to her because I can't sleep, and she'll be fine at first but gradually she'll start to resent it. And she'll leave again.
And I can go back to eating frozen yogurt.
But if I can get ice cream while it's cold, maybe I should go for it.