After Hours

Do you know what it's like to always be dependent on something that's only there half the time? If that?

Maybe people think it's stupid that I want to be independent when I so obviously can't be, but I can't depend on anyone or anything else because I can't trust anyone or anything else.

I know there are times when I have to because I don't have a choice, but then it's just the lesser of two evils. I didn't really trust Cuddy not to let them fuck up my leg. She was part of the reason that made it what it is in the first place. But a) I trusted her more than the surgeons who don't give a shit about what happens to me once I get off the operating table and b) by getting her to believe I trusted her it made her more likely to want to live up to my expectations. Probably especially since she hadn't before.

I would have said the same thing to Wilson, but I don't think I would have trusted him either. Not with my leg. He'd be willing to do whatever it took to save my life. He doesn't care about my pride or my dignity. I mean, I get why. He wants what he thinks is best for me. But what he thinks is best for me and what I think is best for me are two completely different ballparks. Some person who thinks he's smart might say the truth lies in the middle, but since it's my life and not Wilson's or anyone else's, what I think is best for me and what I want automatically vetoes anyone else's vote. Including Wilson's.

Another reason I hate when I have to be dependent on him. The more he ends up being right, the more convinced he's going to get that he's always right when it comes to my well-being. He saw I needed help even though I didn't want it, he went go help me, I wouldn't let him, and I ended up needing him. Now he's just going to do the same thing again and again, so convinced that I'm always gonna need him as a crutch.

Maybe I wouldn't mind it so much if it was a crutch that wasn't sawed halfway through.

Where the hell was he tonight? He was first on my list—this is the one time when I was dying he actually could have been there. He's never there when I'm almost dying. And a lot of times it's because I don't want him there. But I needed him and he wasn't. Granted, there have been plenty of other times when I needed him and he's left his wife to come to pick me up from a bar or a strip club or some other shit, but it's sporadic. He's there when it's convenient for him. And he leaves when it's convenient for him.

I realize that it's not his job to be there for me. No one's forcing him. But when he is there, he acts like it's his job and he should be in charge of every little aspect of my life. What gives him the right to do that when he's gone half the time? What gives him the right to act like I'd better as hell depend on him when I can't possibly because he'd just let me fall?

At least Cuddy doesn't try to micromanage how I live my own life. Don't get me wrong—when we were together everything had to be her way or the highway and the only reason I held on was because I couldn't lose her. Even though I did. But on my own she lets me make my own choices. I asked her if she was gonna grab the Vicodin out of my hand and she gave me the option. Wilson would never have let me. He knows I'm gonna screw up and is terrified of me screwing up so he doesn't want to let me screw up. Cuddy watches me screw up without doing anything about it because she hopes if I live through it I might actually learn something. And clearly they're both wrong.

It could never work with Wilson any more than it did with Cuddy. We would fight just as much. He would drive me insane. And I might just get too mad to put up with it and stomp out the door. Well...limp out the door. I'd come back a few hours later, but still. I get along with him more than Cuddy, but we drive each other crazy plenty. We would fight. It would be a mess.

I can't have Wilson.

Is it easier to face that if I convince myself it would never work out even if I could have him?

Not really.

We would have ups and downs, but the ups would be high and the downs would be quick. Not painless, but quick. And Wilson wouldn't cut me off sex in a fight. He'd want me just as much as I want him. He was totally copping a feel when he helped me to the bathroom today.

Telling myself that doesn't make the truth easier to face either.

Human beings shouldn't be social creatures. Really. We shouldn't. We shouldn't need to depend on other people, because all we do is let each other down. Even when you do the right thing, you're still letting someone down. Even when you're a little kid and you have to be dependent on the adults, they still let you down. And maybe sometimes it's not their fault, sometimes it's circumstances beyond your control, but it doesn't change the fact. If Cuddy hadn't dumped me I'd still hang out with Rachel and teach her all the important things Cuddy doesn't, but the fact is she did dump me and now Rachel's got to learn pirate jargon on her own. You promise your friend you won't let anything happen to them but then someone bigger and stronger beats you up and she ends up back in jail. It's not your fault, but she's still in jail.

You set your phone on vibrate because you don't know your best friend is going to call you in the middle of the night bleeding into his bathtub. Not exactly a crime, is it? But the results are the same.