Hey guys, it's been a while but i hope this makes up for it- enjoy xx
I've heard that when we suffer great loss or are in the midst of a catastrophic moment, we go through five certain steps. These are known as the five stages of grief.
Denial, because what is happening seems so unbelievable we are not able to comprehend it.
Anger, we become so mad that this is happening to us, we lash out.
Bargaining, we would give anything for this to not be happening.
Depression, the realization kicks in and the loss seems so great; we believe that we would never be able to get passed it.
And finally acceptance, we don't like it, but its most important part of the grieving process.
And although this may seem like an over dramatization of the situation, these five steps seemed to suit what was happening quite well. Because Mrs. Whitlock was acting on the first step of the process.
After what seemed like the longest, and most painful awkward silence in history, Jasper looking horrified as he stared at his mother, his face as white as his polo shirt- Emmett standing shirtless holding Mike in a headlock watching the scene with a confused look on his face- Eric hands in his hoody quietly observing, with the same confused look as Emmett- Edward standing a few feet behind Jasper, concern etched into his beautiful face, as he watched Jasper's reaction of sheer horror- Rosalie who seemed to be watching my reaction out of the corner of her eyes, holding the water bottle so it was barely touching her bottom lip- Alice, her body turned in my direction with her hand resting just above my knee, her eyes darting back and forth between, myself, Jasper and Mrs. Whitlock, biting the inside of her cheek.- And then of course me, sitting with my hand raised slightly in the air, mouth slightly agape and watching Mrs. Whitlock with a 'deer caught in the headlights' expression; the moment would have been comical if not for the fact it was so incredibly serious,
Mrs. Whitlock blinked slowly a few times, before smiling.
"Hello dears, I thought after the work out you all just did you could all do with some refreshments and some sandwiches."
She placed the food and jug of lemonade on the picnic table and busied herself with pouring drinks and putting sandwiches on plates, while the rest of us stayed exactly where we were, watching her. Was she seriously pretending she didn't see anything?
She straightened up tucking a long strand of blonde hair behind her ear, placing the now empty tray under her arm, glanced around making a tutting noise when she saw Emmett holding Mike in a headlock, before giving us all a wide smile and bustling back into the house.
It was silent for a few moments longer, before Jasper shook his head and bounded past the bench heading for the house.
"Jasper I'm-" I started to apologize before he silenced me with a palm gesture, not even bothering to look at me, and just continued his fast walk into the house.
We all gathered around the picnic table, grabbing sandwiches and cups of lemonade, none of us really talking, apart from a 'pass the jug' or 'thanks' here and there. About seven or eight minutes later Jasper reappeared. He walked up and stopped three feet away from where I was sitting.
"Bella, I need to talk to you." His face was blank, but by the way his voice shook slightly at the end, I knew it was not good. I nodded placing my sandwich on my plate, swung my legs over the side of the bench and followed Jasper as he led me inside the house and up the stairs and then into his room. I tentatively stepped inside standing awkwardly in the middle of his room, as he stayed standing in the doorway. After a couple of seconds, even though it felt like hours, he stepped inside the room and slammed the door shut behind him. I jumped slightly at the loud noise it made.
"What the hell man, don't be so-"
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" the growl of a tone, and the anger in his voice made me deflate slightly. He's never spoken that way to me before.
He stood a good metre away from me, fists gripped tightly by his sides, his figure shaking slightly.
"Are you seriously that stupid, or was this some sort of plan?"
Alright now that pissed me off. I felt my whole body stiffen with anger.
"Excuse me?" I asked through a clenched jaw.
"Is this some sort of convoluted plan to 'come out' to my parents and just drag me along with you? Are you seriously that selfish?" during that he'd stepped a good couple of feet closer to me and I could practically see the anger in his eyes.
I felt my jaw drop as I finally understood what he was getting at.
"Jasper, I would never, I didn't mean to, she kissed me!" I exclaimed, my tone not quite getting how appalled I was that he was accusing me of that.
"You should have made sure to tell her that she can't act that way around here, she can't act so-"
"Gay?" I cut in, crossing my arms over my chest.
His face changed from the angry expression he'd just had to a pained one, his gaze softened too.
"Bells..you know how my parents are, that out there," he pointed to his bedroom door, "ma acting like she didn't see anything, that's the best possible scenario we'll ever get, just plain old denial. If that'd been dad...well I'm just glad it wasn't."
And once again we stood there silently, staring at each other. Jasper's expression softened even more, so that there was no trace of anger left, and he was now watching me with a forlorn expression.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean, it's just, living with him and his hate for anything and everything he doesn't understand is just so frustrating and honestly it's tiring. I'm tired of his façade of heterosexuality, of pretending that it doesn't kill me every time he goes on who of his homophobic rants and just of him. I'm just so tired Bella."
I could feel my eyes well up and my chest actually started to hurt. He didn't deserve this. He deserved to be loved by his parents for just being him. Realizing love wasn't always unconditional wasn't something I wanted to witness personally.
I approached Jasper slowly, before wrapping my arms around him and giving him a tight hug, trying to get across by my actions how much I loved him. His chest started shaking as he sobbed, his face buried into the space between my shoulder and my neck, and I could feel the hot tears leaking onto my neck, and soaking the collar or my shirt.
After he was done with his mini breakdown, he wiped the rest of the tears off his face, gave me one of his spare 'forks high' football jersey to wear, and then we left his room and ventured outside to join the others.
As we approached the table we noticed how tense and awkward the atmosphere felt. They were all eating their sandwiches and not really talking all that much, apart from Eric and Mike going on about some xbox game. I sat back down next to Alice, who was acting rather jittery.
"Is everything ok? I'm really sorry that happened Bella, I didn't mean to cause this." She whispered
I nodded before whispering back, "Yeah its ok, don't worry." I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it felt a bit too forced. Jasper whose eyes were noticeably red sat across from us picking at his sandwich, and when Edward tried to put his arm around him reassuringly, Jasper flinched and not so subtly moved away from him, and looked anywhere but at Edward, and his hurt expression.
I pulled up outside Alice's house, turned off the ignition, but stayed sitting in the truck. I looked passed Alice and out the passenger side window.
"You know I've never been to your house before." My voice sounded so loud compared to the silence in the truck. Alice followed my gaze out the window, and we both sat there looking at the house.
"I like your place better." She turned back to look at me, a sad smile on her face.
"It just feels nicer, the energy of the place I mean."
I reached over and held her hand in mine, "It's probably something to do with me living in it. I'm just a big ball of positive energy."
She grinned, but didn't say anything in return. So again we sat there in silence, her playing with my hand, caressing my fingers and gently turning my hand over in her own. I watched her, enjoying her soft touch and the curious expressing she was wearing, it reminded me of a kitten watching a butterfly. At this moment I was so glad I'd stopped biting my nails. When she looked up from my hands, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear, she looked so calm and relaxed.
"I suppose I should be heading in." I nodded before leaning in a capturing her lips with mine before she hopped out of my truck and headed up the path towards her house. I watched until she opened the door and stepped inside, giving me a small wave before she closed it.
I missed her already.
I wrapped a towel around myself, grabbing an extra one for my hair before exiting the steamy bathroom. It was a short distance from the bathroom to my room, but I shivered as the water trickled from my soaking hair down the back of my neck and my back. The only thing I didn't like about Forks' cold weather was the early mornings getting changed and the walks from the bathroom to my bedroom in my towel. Yeah I'm not that fussy if you think about it. After I changed into my favourite pair of sweatpants and an overly large t-shirt, I wandered down stairs and plopped myself on the couch, checking to see if there was anything decent on TV. Half way through an episode of NCIS I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket, i answered the call with a 'hellooooo kind gentleman.' But apparently Jazz wasn't in a mood to put up with my antics,
'Hey Bella, I can't talk for very long I just, can you tell Jessica that I need someone to fill in for me tomorrow? Tell her I'll pick up a double shift next week to make up for it.'
I shifted on the couch, pulling the cushion out from under me and resituating myself into a comfier position.
'Yeah sure, why what's up?' jasper never missed a shift unless he was, a) sick or b) his car broke down. He cleared his throat before answering,
'Nothing, listen thanks for this I'll see ya later.' And he hung up before I could say another word.
I stared down at the phone, muttering a not so polite word and snapping it shut before throwing it onto the couch cushion next to me.
"Language!" Renee warned jokingly as she passed the living room. I dragged myself of the couch and into the kitchen, huffing loudly before slumping down at the kitchen table.
"What's wrong sweetheart?" she asked walking over to me, brushing my fringe out of my face and feeling my forehead. I swatted her hand away half heartedly,
"Sheesh ma I'm not sick, I'm just..." I trailed off uncertainly. She gave me a curious look, before asking, "Girl trouble?"
I shrugged, biting my thumb nail and making a non committal noise. She rolled her eyes,
"Have I ever mentioned how great you are at communicating? You take after your father so much." I muttered a 'thank god' under my breath, causing her to once again roll her eyes.
She sat down on the chair next to mine, and focussed all her attention on me.
"So it is girl problems, right?" man was it weird talking about this, sure she knew I was gay, but actually talking to her about it just felt..plain weird. I grimaced slightly before answering,
"Yes and no." But seeing her eye brow raise, I sighed and in great detail described today's events.
"So, when am I going to meet this Alice?" I stared at her for a couple of seconds,
"Ok so I tell you this whole story that has a gazillion things so much more important and you're more worried about meeting my girlfriend?" she shrugged, still smiling widely.
"Sounds like you really like her." Yep Renee had a one track mind.
"Yes, but mum focus, Jazz's parents problem first, meeting Alice discussion next."
She once again rolled her eyes,
"Yeah yeah, right Jazz...hmm well honey I don't know what to say, but maybe it wasn't the best idea to pretend you've been a couple for this long- and before you start protesting that he didn't want Jasper sr and Tanya to know about his sexuality, it didn't mean you had to pretend to be 'together' together. It'd been a less shock to the system when she eventually found out he was gay, if she wasn't positive that he was straight."
She continued on when she noticed the confused look on my face,
"By you two pretending to be in an intimate relationship, she would assume that her son was straight. Seeing as you're a girl." Ok she might have a one track mind, but every once in a while she had great insight. I sighed, leaning my elbows on the table and resting my chin on my palms. She rubbed my back soothingly,
"Listen sweetie, I've know Tanya since I was your age, and she's always been..." she paused, trying to find the right word, before continuing, "old fashioned. Girl meets boy, they date, they get married, they pop out a few kids, raise them to believe the same ideas they were raised to believe and grow old. And Jasper is pretty much the exact same way, but more extreme and definitely more religious. So how do you expect her to react when she sees the girl who is suppose to be doing all the things she been raised to believe is the right choice with her son, kissing another girl? Denial is a power coping mechanism."
"So you think they'll hate him, hate me?" I couldn't stop my voice from quivering at the end. She sighed deeply and pulled me into her arms, hugging me the way she used to when I was a kid and I'd just grazed my knee or had a nightmare.
"They don't hate you, they just don't understand. Basically they're afraid, afraid of this whole other part of the world they're not used to, and don't fully comprehend. But deep down, underneath all of it, they love you. They're just..set in their ways."
She kissed me on the top of my head, and quickly followed with a "and tell jazz that he can move in if they take his coming out as severely as I expect they will."
Oh how complicated things had gotten. I wish I could go back to the days where this hug would have fixed everything and made it all better. But unfortunately it hadn't.
"So what, he's like, not coming in at all? And you're, like, just telling me this now?"
Man did Jessica look like her mother when she put her hands on her hips and glared at me like that. But I didn't make a single sarcastic comment about it, because I guess she had a good enough reason to be slightly annoyed, seeing as I was suppose to call in for Jazz and warn them so they could find someone to cover his shift. My bad.
"That's why I'm here." I walked around the front counter and grabbed my apron from underneath the bench, put it on and then put my hair up into a messy ponytail. Jessica watched me with a suspicious look on her face.
"So you're coming in on your rostered day off to take over his shift? Why?"
Cause unlike you I do nice things. I smiled sweetly before replying,
"Because I just love spending time with you Jess, especially when we serve coffee."
She narrowed her eyes slightly before sighing and stalking off into the supply room, muttering a 'this job is so not worth it'. Wow, ok excuse me for being such an inconvenience, sorry I just offered to cover for someone on my day off, bitch please.
About half way through my shift, I looked up from making a latte and saw Charlie, in his uniform, enter the shop.
"Dad? Since when did you start blowing off your responsibilities to come drink coffee?"
He shuffled over to the counter, a weird look on his face.
"Nah you know I don't like this weird flavoured stuff you serve; besides we have a working percolator down at the station. I, uh, thought you'd be at home."
"Yeah," I pulled out a couple of cups and wrote down the customers names on each of them, "I wasn't suppose to work today but I owed jazz a favour. So what's up?" I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him. He looked really uncomfortable, like all he wanted to do was run out of the shop and keep on running until he reached Canada. Huh, that's where I must get it from.
"Uh, I just thought, you were gonna be...what time does your shift end?"
"What time does yours?" one of the new employees, Ben-something cleared his throat behind me and gestured to the cups with a smile. I handed him the paper cups and said a quiet 'thank you' before turning back to Charlie. He ruffled his moustache before answering,
"Five-thirty but I'm on call so I might have to head back in at some point. I thought we needed a little chat." I nodded, tilting my head to the side as I tried to figure out why he was so damn uncomfortable. Yeah sure he was a man of few words and he kinda got awkward talking about parent type things, leaving it to Renee who was pretty much a teen at heart, and made everything less weird as possible, but still the he looked even more uncomfortable than usual.
"Well I finish at three so I'll pop down to the station." He shook his head, before scratching the back of his neck,
"Uh no don't come down, we'll talk about it when we're both a home. Well I better be off, there's chief of police work to be done and if I don't do it no one will. See ya bud."
I stood at the counter staring out the front doors watching as he hopped into the police cruiser and drove off. I was pretty much in my own world so when a throat cleared loudly behind me I must have jumped three feet in the air. Again Jessica stood behind me, glaring and with her hands on her hips.
"Are you just gonna stand there or are you gonna serve someone coffee? Honestly it would've been more productive being an employee short than have you getting in everyone's way."
I stared back at her, brow furrowed and lips pursed, before breaking out into a wide grin and wiggling my finger at her,
"If only you'd been this charming before I met Alice."
I closed the front door behind me and chucked my keys on the table in the hallway,
"Hey mum!" I called out as I headed straight for the fridge to do one of my favourite past times, drinking milk from straight from the carton. Yeah they seemed to frown on that at work.
I wiped my milk moustache on the back of my hand, and called out louder,
"Hey Renee, you home?" I got my answer when muffled footsteps sounded in the general direction of the stairs.
"Oh hi sweetie, how was work?"
I shrugged, putting the carton back into the fridge and poking around to see what else I could drink from the bottle.
"Alright I guess, Jessica's sill amazing us with her great management skills, I only spilled coffee on myself once, and there's a new guy Ben something-a-rather, he seemed nice, oh," I straightened up holding a can of dr. Pepper, and closing the fridge, "Dad stopped by today, acted even more 'Charlie like' than usual. Said something about chatting and it was kinda weird- what, what is it? Oh god what did you do?"
She had that look on her face that just screamed 'ooops', as she sat at the kitchen table sorting out the ironing. She looked up from folding one of Charlie's work shirts,
"I might've told him you were going through something difficult and important and that you two should talk about it, and that she should be supportive of any decision you make."
I continued to stare at her, my face obviously showing my shock, holding onto my soda can.
"What the hell? Why'd you- just why?"
She stopped folding the ironing and looked me dead on, with a sympathetic expression.
"Because it's about time he knew. Honey I know him, he loves you and it won't matter to him, just as long as you're safe and happy. So when he gets home I'm going to leave you two to talk."
I slumped down onto the chair opposite her's and placed the soda can on the table.
"It's just going to be awkward and just plain uncomfortable, you know how he is, and you know how Mr. Whitlock is too-"
"You're father is much more understanding, and honestly not as homophobic. Just trust me sweetie, I've been married to your father long enough to know this is going to be fine." She smiled reassuringly at me, and I gave a weak one in return. The noise of the cruiser pulling up into the driveway made the whole thing so much realer. Was I really just about to come out to my Father? How would he react? Would he be fine with it? Would he be upset?
Here we go.
ok guys i'm gonna try to get the next chapter up in under half the time it took me to get this one up. a big thanks to everyone who have read my story so far, you guys are awesome!