Disclaimer: Not my characters.
I tried to sleep, but couldn't. My thoughts were cloudy and screaming at me that that did not really happen.
Edward was truly amazing, though I hated to admit, even to myself. I liked him... a lot.
No. I love him.
But he simply didn't love me as much as I loved him. That was impossible. And still I was scared that he would someday soon leave me.
My mother had as good as given up on me. My father... He had been nice, but only for a while. Doctors, professionals had turned their back on me. Why would Edward not some day be one of them as well?
I was scared. All the time I was always aching, thinking about things, reconsider them.
But this boy... man... whatever he was, he had given me his liver.
That counted for something too. I could never forget that. A piece of his body was inside me to replace what had been damaged so badly. Tears welled in my eyes and I cried.
Luckily, Edward was sleeping behind me. My back was pressed against his, his arm over my waist, his hand, which felt so warm and broad, was resting on my abdomen. Sometimes, in his sleep, he would move his fingers. I was still worried about it... my stomach... Because the voices were still there... they were still inside my head, telling me...
You ugly bitch.
You crying, blubbering baby.
You really think he likes you? A fat, disgusting person like you, Bella?
I would try to push them away, but sometimes, when I thought they were gone, they would beat me with the force they hit me as I heard her again which made me more uncertain about myself.
Come one, girl. He's Edward Cullen. He's slept with dozens of girls. You're just his number. Eight now, right? Or is it already nine?
No. Shut up, stupid Ana. Leave me alone.
You're such a silly girl. Did you think he enjoyed that? Stupid girl. You should have listened to me. You should have just-
I was sobbing, but tried to keep myself quiet. Now would not be a good time for Edward to wake. The sight would not be pretty. As I cried, I stopped hearing the voice. For that I was grateful. I really didn't need that voice inside my head right now.
I glanced at my old clock and it indicated it was already six in the morning. I took a sharp intake of a breath. When did time fly so fast?
I closed my eyes and it took me another long, couple of minutes for me to find peace in utter blackness. There was not even one dream, nightmare, or a picture as I slept. It was all black.
I scowled. I was so hot. I felt sticky from sweat and yearned for water to clean myself.
My eyes flew open and I was instantly met with another pair staring straight at me with so many strange emotion in them.
I jumped slightly in the bed, being caught of guard.
"You scared me!" I accused, feeling my heart beat furiously, so early in the morning.
What did I do? Why did he sound so... so... scared?
He ran his fingers over my face and it seemed like he was examining me. I scowled again as the emotions in his eyes got more displayed.
Worry. Anger. Desperation.
"Are you felling okay?" he asked.
I closed my eyes. I was still so tired. The shower didn't matter, I just wanted to sleep some more.
"Bella, please, tell me what's wrong," he said softly, but still with slight authority in his voice.
However I nearly fell asleep, until his voice snapped my out of it.
"Bella, stay awake."
"Let me sleep," I mumbled.
"No, something is wrong."
"I'm sleepy," I mumbled, almost desperate. "That's what's wrong."
I felt his thumb run over my cheek. My eyes slowly opened and I was met with worried eyes. Again.
"It's not normal for you to be so sleepy, Angel. I think you need another round of check-up."
I shook my head.
"How come you are certain?" he asked.
"Slept at five, possibly later."
He blinked in astonishment and I closed my eyes.
"You slept at five, possible later?" he repeated.
"Why?" he asked incredulously.
I moved my head away from him, but he pushed it back toward him.
"Well... Why didn't you wake me, little angel? I could have kept you company."
How...? How did that make sense to all the things I though last night? And secondly, there was no way I would have waken him. Not at all.
Edward sighed. "Sleep." His finger ran over my cheek and it felt oddly dry. I think it were the dried tears and hopefully Edward wouldn't notice that.
However, Edward sighed again and I felt a slight pressure on my temple and that kiss nearly took all the pain away. I almost felt human again.
"What a little fool you are, Bella Swan," he whispered very softly.
I whimpered, half asleep, not wanting to be insulted. Edward lightly chuckled.
"It's okay," he said. "I've got you." His arms got around my body, one on my stomach, the other touching my shoulders, neck and face. "You can sleep again."
It was as if his words were holy, because sleep I did.
When I woke, I was still awfully tired and my head hurt. Edward was now in front of me and it seemed that I had twisted to my other side.
I couldn't see if he was sleeping, but his form was so still. Not even the hand on my arm moved.
"Are you awake?" I whispered. The sunlight was streaming inside the room through the small window.
I glanced up at him. "How late is it?"
He shrugged, though it seemed as if he was staring straight at the clock.
"What happened last night? After I slept."
"What do you mean?"
He sighed. "Bella, be honest with me." He paused, as he added, "Please. Are you okay?"
This time I shrugged.
"Bella, you infuriating girl. You should have woken me." His hand rubbed my arm. "You don't need to act though around me. I can't help you if you act like you don't need anything from anyone." He shook his head, I saw it from the corner of my eyes and he repeated himself. "You should have woken me."
"Then what?" I asked. "What does it matter?"
"Then..." Edward mumbled. "I would have comforted you. Held you. Talked to you. Taken away your worries. If you woke me, I wouldn't have allowed it for you to suffer alone. It's not a job. It's not a responsibility. It's something I must do, because if you are hurting, so am I."
Suddenly, Edward pulled me to him and gave me a tight hug. He left me speechless.
"I thought you fell asleep... What a fool I am. Did I hurt you? Last night, I mean."
The question caught me of guard and I was glad he couldn't see my face. I was blushing.
"Not so much," I mumbled. The next part slipped out of my mouth, without my intention. I don't know which part of my told him, but it got said out loud anyway. "I'm glad it was you."
Edward kissed my head. It's where his lips were closest too.
"Me too," he said. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish that did not happen. Due to your... medical condition... it hurt more. And also because, obviously, it was your first time."
I blushed harder, even thought that was old news. But the way Edward said it...
"Obviously? Why do you say it like that?"
He shrugged. "I know you didn't lie to me, Bella, but still, I couldn't be sure..."
My mouth fell open.
"Then, however, I remembered something I read a long time ago in your file, something Carlisle had written. You said something quite depressing. As if it was impossible for somebody to want you in that way."
Like who would want to have sex with me?
He read that!
I tried to get out of his grip, but Edward didn't let me.
"I'm sorry about that too. For reading personal material."
"You keep reading all my personal stuff without my consent," I mumbled.
Edward chuckled. "I doubt you'd give me your consent anyhow. Besides, I was curious."
"You always are."
We remained quiet until I wondered...
"What happens now?"
"What? No witty comment?"
He chuckled softly and ran his fingers over my arm.
"I love you, you are my fiancée and last night happens to be the best of my life," Edward slowly said. "I'm feeling very content now. I could stay here forever, if that meant you'd be there by my side."
"I love you too, Edward," I whispered. "So much."
I squeezed my eyes shut as Edward hugged me.
"I'll be better, I promise. I'll eat and try to heal. I'll listen to you and I'll try and let you guide me, until I am capable of doing that myself."
Edward's thumb was now slowly running up and down a small piece of my arm. Mostly he lay still.
"I don't want to die, because la vita è bella when I'm with you."
The title of that movie I had watched yesterday with Edward. His thumb stopped moving and he shifted until he could look me in the eye.
"You're my Guido," I continued.
Edward raised one eyebrow and smiled.
"And does that make you Nicholetta or Giorgio?" he asked.
Now I smiled as I was sure he already knew the answer.
"I'm both," I said. "Definitely."
"Good," Edward replied. "Definitely good."
I dropped my eyes and still had a smile on my lips. Edward trailed my lips with his thumb.
"Also, you're good at surviving. And that's over now. You don't have to survive anymore. You can start living... with me." Edward chuckled, though I knew he was serious. "You are unimaginably good at making by. You are a strong survivor, Bella. You lived at the point others would have died. You stayed alive. And that, my dear one,is the only true thing you're good at."
With another smile forming on my lips, I decided to believe him.
The final chapter, 1 day after my birthday.
I promise to reply to each review, because this is special. I'd like to thank you if you decide to review.
I have finished my first fanfiction, which I started on June the 6th 2010. One year and 8 months later, it's finally done.
If you are still there - reading this - I am truly honoured to have you as my reader. Because not only did you read through all those bad scenes, which a beta would have deleted, but you also continued reading until this very point.
Thank you a billion times. I loved this. Writing has become a part of me.
6-6-2010 was a special day :)