Chapter 65: "Memories in the Dark"

Viewpoint: Tohno Akiha

"...Thy letters come, thy work be done, at home, as it is in school..." I mutter to myself as I finish signing the approval for my last letter. With a sigh, I set my pen down one final time and I work out the cramping in my hand.

I am aware that this is a bastardization of the Christian Lord's Prayer. Then again, religion and I do not mix. Not by choice, but let us face it... what sort of god would allow someone with demon blood into their eternal kingdom of peace? I was cursed from the moment of conception. No just god would allow life of our sort to ever live... so perhaps Ciel-san has it right when she says, without a hint of jest, that she will happily kill me the second I show signs of Inversion Impulse.

Of course, I also have no plans to allow her that. I can kill myself just fine, thank you.

Looking at the stack of papers, I realize just how much work I do, as I squeeze my thumb into my palm, while flexing my fingers. It is not that I do not want to do the work – well, I do not, but that is not exactly my choice – but at the same time, there are times I simply wish I could abandon this all for just a week or two, and get away, and not have to worry about responsibilities, or branch families, or Nii-san, or even Misaki. None of it.

I want the ability to do nothing.

To be able to just sit, and watch a sun set at a beach, or under a porch and watch the rain fall, or to watch the snow float down regally to the ground, and observe, with no pretenses as to what my mind should be thinking, no thoughts but those that enter and leave as I watch.

Perhaps that is why I am doing what I am doing now. I know I will likely not find happiness in an afterlife, assuming one exists... so I am attempting to find it here, now, in the mortal realm, where my actions will damn me, and not something that I must accept by accident of birth.

After all, I neither chose to be born, nor chose to be born as a half-demon. I, like any other mammalian life form, am simply the result of a sperm fertilizing an egg.

They produced the physical body of Tohno Akiha.

And from birth, I was told what was right, and what was wrong. What was proper, and improper. What was completely wrong, completely acceptable, and what was a necessary evil. How to carry myself. How to present myself. How to be both a polite young woman as well as a savage, ruthless demon.

Otou-sama is what produced the mental mind of Tohno Akiha.

...I would have become a very different person if Oka-sama had survived. Whether for better or worse, I cannot say... but I am hoping that at least she gets peace up in heaven, even if I do not. She did not have to take upon our family's woes, but she did... for him. Otou-sama is no fool, and I am sure he probably even tried to dissuade her, but... you cannot fight love, or fate. If your heart is intent on a certain person, then that is that...

With a sigh, I stretch hard in my chair, feeling my body extend ever so slightly and exhaling sharply in relief as the stiffness and tension in my muscles goes away. I get up out of my chair, and exit my room, taking a bit of a walk through the mansion.

It is about 10:30 PM now. The mansion's lights are mostly out, and I walk through the dimmed halls. Hisui is no doubt still sleeping and recovering, and Yumizuka-san is generally beginning her patrols sometime around now.

I walk to the sitting room, and sit in my usual chair. Truth be told, I do not mind the darkness. I am not feeling particularly melancholic or anything of that sort, but I do not have lights on past 10 PM, mostly due to, admittedly, force of habit. Otou-sama was very strict about when the lights went out and when I awoke. He was a little more lax on it before the incident, but admittedly, at the age of 8, a girl – or any child, for that matter – is quite ready to curl up in their bed and visit the dreamworld after a day of running, jumping, and playing.

...Nine years already. That was the last time I really got to play, to be a child.

If, somehow, I do decide to have children... whether naturally or adopted... I am pretty sure that I will not repeat what Otou-sama did for me. My human blood is stronger than my demon blood. As long as I maintain careful composure, that other side – my "Red" side, as I sometimes call it – shall never gain a hold of me. I could raise my children to have perfectly normal childhoods, teenage years, and into adulthood... and, if I am extremely lucky... they may never even know about the blood that goes through my body. At one-fourth demon blood, they would be very unlikely to invert, as it is already somewhat difficult to force me to invert.

But... in all likelihood, they would find out somehow, in some way. Never underestimate a child's craftiness. They may not know as much as an adult, but their thirst for knowledge and answers is far greater, and that can make them exceptionally skilled at finding out secrets.

Furthermore, incidents can certainly come up which would make hiding it pointless, such as an attack on our home that I have to invert to fight back... or one of them somehow inverting. There is, simply put, practical limits to how well a secret can be held, and what I am doing is essentially reversing generations of Tohno family doctrine... all for the sake of not cursing my offspring to think, as I do, that they are humans second... and monsters first.

So, if it came down to it, I would not hide it from them excessively. I would do everything in my power to see that they not know about it, if at all possible, but if the time came to be confrontational about it... then I would be honest. Because I do not want a child I would raise to have to go through what I went through. I would not change my upbringing, except perhaps to have Oka-sama survive, but... I would also not wish, nor desire it upon anyone else.

"...Akiha-san?"

I am snapped out of my thoughts. It is Yumizuka-san, performing her rounds.

"A good night to you, Yumizuka-san." I smile slightly in the dark.

"...Why don't you turn the lights on if you're going to be out here, Akiha-san?" She blinks. The only light source is the slight illumination from the moon outside the windows, and the dim, luminescent brightness of Yumizuka-san's red irises.

"I am fine just like this, Yumizuka-san," I say. "I have superior dark vision compared to normal humans, so darkness is not a problem for me... but of course, it could not match the clarity of yo– ah, I mean Arcueid-san's." I try my best to neatly sidestep about reminding Yumizuka-san that she, too, can no longer be considered human.

"Ah, of course not," she says with a slight laugh. "But don't worry about offending me, Akiha-san. I don't mind it as much as I used to, really." She smiles, assuaging my fears.

"...Sorry. I do not wish to make this more painful for you than it already is, Yumizuka-san."

"It's fine, really. I'd still prefer to be back to normal, but well... isn't any sort of major life change something you have to cope with and adapt to?" Yumizuka-san displays a moment of wisdom. "Anyway... what are you doing out here, sitting in the dark like that?"

"I am just relaxing as I have done papers for the last five hours. I am sitting here while thinking some things over, and... preparing for tomorrow."

"...Oh? What do you have planned tomorrow, Akiha-san?" Yumizuka-san asks. "Something for Kohaku-san?"

"No... I am thinking of inviting Seo over for the weekend," I reply.

"Ah, Seo-chan. You've decided you're going to take a chance, huh?" She smiles.

"...Yes. I am still nervous, admittedly, but... I will accept her decision, as I think the worst that will happen is she will say no, and we can still be friends, and I will find someone else eventually if that is the case."

"...And if she says yes?" Her smile widens slightly as she sits in a nearby chair.

"...Then I will think of something when the time comes," I say, thankful the darkness is hiding the creeping blush across my cheeks.

Yumizuka-san giggles cutely. "You know, Akiha-san... if you're going to get a girl like her into a relationship like that, you have to have something PLANNED. It can't just be 'We'll do stuff.' A relationship like that... it's built on both physical and emotional things."

"...I suppose you have a point, but... I do not want to rush things... I mean, I... no, we would be taking a very big leap... even though I have known her all of this time, I cannot be so... animalistic, for lack of a better word..." I try my best to express my thoughts, though it is difficult.

"Oh come on now, Akiha-san." Yumizuka-san crosses her arms in her chair. "Do you REALLY think Seo-chan is that ignorant of what couples do?"

"I do not know, Yumizuka-san... I know I was not thinking of those things at her age..." I admit.

"Ah, but you also were raised differently..." She hmms. "Well... I can speak a little bit about it, I guess."

I quickly interject. "You do not need to share such intimate details about yourself, Yumizuka-san."

She shrugs. "I don't mind. Compared to what you already know about me, this is nothing... anyway... I first began having those sorts of thoughts when I was about 14... of course, they were of Tohno-kun." She sighs slowly. The sort of sigh of someone who has grown old, and is remembering carefree days of youth. "I just fell for him really hard... I don't know why myself. I still don't. We were both in the same classes for three years until my... well, my change... but as I got older, it went from interest... to a crush... to desire. So... I'm pretty sure Seo-chan has had those sorts of thoughts, to some level, about boys at least..."

...Boys, perhaps. The girl's interest in Nii-san was quite obvious and clear the first time I spoke with her after her little... incident, shall we say. That would be all fine and good if I actually were a boy, but my chest is not THAT flat. Furthermore, there is definitely nothing dangling between my legs.

"The only problem there, Yumizuka-san, is that neither Seo nor myself are male. I seriously doubt she has had those sorts of thoughts about females before. I did not myself, either, until I was shower–"

I stop myself before I finish speaking my mind. I was going to say "...Until I was showering and she entered my mind," but if I did that, Yumizuka-san would clearly know that my mind thinks such torrid, rancid thoughts.

"Oh? Do tell, Akiha-san. You desired Seo, did you?" Yumizuka-san raises an eyebrow, smirking with an impish interest.

...Not that it seems to have done me any favors.

"Y-Y-Yo! N-Nes! P-Perhaps!" Damn it, why could I not keep track of my thoughtsǃ? That did not need to get out! Not even to Yumizuka-san!

"Fufufu, it's okay, Akiha-san," Yumizuka-san says, laughing as vampires or aproned devils would do. "After all... I have those sorts of thoughts about Tohno-kun, too."

"Th-That's different! Nii-san is a boy at least! That's acceptable!" I hiss, without shouting, lest I rouse Hisui from her well-deserved sleep. "Seo is a girl! That is far less acceptable to society!"

"But was your body saying that it wasn't acceptable when you thought of Seo-chan in that way? Hmmmm?"

"Ah..." I am stopped dead in my tracks.

…...Well... admittedly, no, it was not... it was... thinking carnal lust. And about her body, and what it must look like, and it was getting pleasure from imagining it... just like thinking about it now is making it stir slightly. I blush deeply when I realize this.

It... It is filthy. It is improper. It is not things that a proper, dignified person should think! We are not animals, guided solely by instinct! We are humans! We are better than that. We are not supposed to just... pointlessly lust after someone, right?

…...Right?

"It's okay, Akiha-san. Your body will know what it likes... and it has already proven that," Yumizuka-san announces as if it was the most natural conclusion in the world. "So there's no shame in admitting it. You got aroused thinking of Seo, and I got aroused thinking of Tohno-kun. There's no shame in it."

"...We're both female..." I try to bring up point once more, halfheartedly knowing it will get dashed.

"But it doesn't matter as long as she makes you happy, does it?"

...Well, no... being in love transcends things like that, I think.

We all think we have an ideal partner... someone who will be absolutely perfect and who will make the world go around. A not insignificant portion of a human's life is simply spent finding that "perfect" someone... and then when they are not found, the human tries to settle for someone as close to that ideal as they can.

And therein lies the problem... as well as my difference.

When one foists such unrealistic expectations on another person, the relationship is probably doomed from the start. That person can never meet every single expectation that is set out for them by that person. Discussion and compromise are the keys to that, but man is a greedy species; they do not like to give an inch.

As for me... well, the first words I ever remember are Otou-sama telling me "We live alone, and we die alone." At first, I did not understand the meaning, as a child. I had Otou-sama, and Hisui, and Kohaku, and "him," as well as the other servants here. I was not alone... far from it. I was surrounded by people.

But as an adult, I understood exactly what Otou-sama's words meant. That reality became crystal clear after Nii-san's... incident. And it sat inside me, and it festered, boiled, putrefied – until I could not stand it anymore.

From then on, I became determined to find someone. And the most natural target was the boy whose life I did not want to see end... not then, and to this day, not now. And ideally... not ever, while I am alive, unless it is of ripe old age.

"...I suppose not," I say, trying my best to hide my nervousness.

"Don't worry about it so much, Akiha-san. Forget about things like what's 'expected' of you... your life is your own. You might be a little young... but so am I, and I'd say we've both been through enough that we're able to make our own decisions about our lives for the most part, right?"

"…...You have a point," I confess. "I would not stand for anyone telling me how to live, now. The one person who could do that is dead. And considering what I live through... I do not think an adult has a right to tell me how to live, when they do not know what I protect them from."

"Pretty much," Yumizuka-san says. "It's not like I care if you decide to have that relationship with Seo-chan... wait, that's worded a little badly, uhh... let me rephrase that." She clears her throat a bit and stretches, the delicate sound of bones popping as Yumizuka-san stretches her admittedly attractive frame. "Okay... I do care what sort of relationship you have with Seo-chan... but what I mean is that just because you like a girl like that, I'm not going to think anything less of you. I mean... here I am lusting after your brother... I honestly don't know how you can stand to look at me, much less be so kind to me..." She laughs slightly nervously.

"...Well, it would be acceptable for you, for one," I reply. "I mean, you are not related to Nii-san, like I am, so it is okay for you to have thoughts like that about him."

"Well yeah... but I mean... he and Kohaku-san are a couple, aren't they?" She asks.

"...They are... but..."

...Kohaku is wildly unpredictable. She always has ulterior motives when it comes to things like these. Honestly... it would not surprise me if Kohaku already knows that Yumizuka-san still desires Nii-san sexually, while Yumizuka-san herself is ignorant to the fact that Kohaku knows.

…...Furthermore, it also would not surprise me if Kohaku somehow "arranged" things so that Yumizuka-san could do that with him. Granted... they may be under some drug-induced haze... but to be quite blunt, Kohaku seems to be the type of woman who would not only have a more open sexual relationship in that manner... she is probably the type who would get aroused by watching such a thing... if not joining in herself, outright.

…...…Then again... my body is also reminding me that it would be the same way. I know Yumizuka-san's body is attractive... if last Sunday was any indication... I could not help but admire it. I would not mind a body shape like Yumizuka-san's... and I think I would get aroused watching them have sex like that, despite everything in my brain telling me I should absolutely not.

…...…...I press my legs together slightly to try to silence my latent arousal before it grows to the point where it would become noticeable.

"...But? You kind of trailed off there, Akiha-san."

"They are, but... well, let us just say Kohaku does surprising things sometimes, and leave it at that..." It is a half-truth, but it will have to do. The last thing I want to do is encourage Yumizuka-san to make a move when I could be quite well about how Kohaku feels about such things.

"...Kohaku lets other women...?" Yumizuka-san blinks, seemingly stunned, unable to finish her sentence.

"I do not know. I do not pry into her private life. If you wish to do it, that is something you will have to do on your own, Yumizuka-san." I say it as firmly as I possibly can. If she does it, I cannot stop her... but I want to make it clear that if she does it, I will not take responsibility for it, period.

"...R-Right..." Yumizuka-san says uncomfortably. "...I, uh, think we both got a little too deep into that conversation... heh..." She tries her best to clear the somewhat tense and unusual mood in the room.

"Yes, I agree. But it was still an interesting talk regardless." I stand up. Yumizuka-san looks up at me as I do so. "Thank you for the conversation, Yumizuka-san. Please stay safe tonight. I will be in my room if an emergency arises or you require something."

"...Y-Yes. Of course. Goodnight, Akiha-san." She gets out of her own chair.

"Goodnight, Yumizuka-san." I begin walking back towards my room, mulling over the conversation.

...Well, of course I knew Yumizuka-san still had a crush on Nii-san. She showed so much when he came home, injured, and she wished him to heal so she could talk to him. Needless to say... I am sure their talk together was very interesting, personal, and intimate. Even though Nii-san and Yumizuka-san are not a couple, they do have an air of intimacy among them, one of shared privacy.

That is often how love forms. The first way is to actually save the object of your affection... and the second way is of simply constantly being there, watching out for them, and helping them whenever necessary. It is from situations like that, that deep, affectionate bonds form... and when two people find they are compatible with the other, a deeper emotional bond can form.

The nature of that bond can vary. It could be a simple, but lasting, friendship... one that goes on for years, or maybe even decades. It could become "the person who I can go to when in trouble." Or it could become a highly private relationship.

…...Now that I think of it, that is rather how I feel of Seo, too... the way both Nii-san and Yumizuka-san seem to treat each other. Not total strangers, but good friends... someone with whom one could discuss the problems of life as a whole.

I share a good deal of private time and private things with her, more as of late as she has grown older. It took a whole new turn a week and a half ago, and if it was growing at a linear scale before, the last week and a half have been exponential. Granted... a lot of that was due to the whole incident on Sunday... which I would still prefer had not happened... but at the same time, I suppose it was a nicer introduction to my abilities as opposed to having to beat up some thugs or something.

But there are several things that have not been accounted for in this sense. Seo's increasing emotional maturity, as well as more secure emotional stability. My mere actions easily frighten some of the underclassmen, but then again, they do not understand it at all.

…...I wonder how those rumors started.

My first few days as a first-year weren't too bad, but by the time I'd graduated to my second year, the school campus was absolutely loaded with all sorts of rumors about me... from just about anyone. Quite literally, I could not find someone who had NOT heard a rumor about me.

It certainly put the fear into the hearts of the first-years. The second-years, at the time, were less fearful because they could pull rank and boss me around that way... at least, until I gave the second-year who tried it the soundest tongue lashing that probably could have been heard from 150 feet away.

Needless to say... she did not try to boss me around again. Nor did any other second-year. The third-years, wise from seeing the misfortunes of their underclassmen, made no attempt to even try.

And so, Tohno Akiha became the only girl who was not a third-year, who had essentially free reign of the school. Despite that, she still excelled and, without really trying, became the school's idol... the object of infatuation and admiration everywhere. To any student who has attended Asagami within the last few years, or who will be attending the next few, the name "Tohno-senpai" will be instantly recognizable... and I have a feeling it will continue to be that way for the next several years, as well.

By the time I arrive back in my room, it is about 10 minutes to 11 PM, according to the clock. The night is growing longer, and the time to sleep is getting shorter.

I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. A day which, honestly, can mark the beginning of something wondrous... or something disastrous. I am unsure of which, but I know one thing... I will meet it head-on, and I will give it nothing less than my best. An uncertain future does not deserve anything less than a fully prepared foe, lest it be insulted.

It is time to change into my nightgown, and prepare for bed...

…It is ironic that something should start at the end of a week.
But I will not simply sit idly and continue to beat myself up like this. No.
I will meet this challenge... and one way or another, I will beat it.

Next Week (9/7/11) – Chapter 66: "Salted and Buttered"