EXT. OUTSIDE, SUNNY, 4 PM

A red car has just crashed into a tree. A woman runs over to
the car. She is dressed in a Hooters uniform. She opens the
door quickly to find a small man with no legs and dark black
glasses behind the wheel.

MONICA
Oh my god sir, are you okay?

JIMMY
Yes, I am fine. I just injured my
car.

MONICA
Do you need any medical assistance?

JIMMY
No, I'm fine. But my car isn't.

A small fire begins to form on the front of the car.

MONICA
Why?

JIMMY
Because it hit a tree.

MONICA
When was this?

JIMMY
Just now.

MONICA
Okay.

Monica then takes out her cell phone and dials a number. On
her phone.

EXT. TOW TRUCK PLACE, DARK, 4:01 PM

The phone rings as Terrance nearly drifts off to sleep.
Terrance is a large man with jeans and a shirt and a face
and eyes. He screams an absurd amount of obscenities before
finally answering the phone.

TERRANCE
Yes?

MONICA
I need a tow truck.

TERRANCE
Why?

MONICA
My friend's car hit a tree.

TERRANCE
Why?

MONICA
I'm not sure, would you like me to
ask?

TERRANCE
Yes.

Monica turns to Jimmy, asking him why he ran into the tree.

MONICA
He says he's blind.

TERRANCE
What a noob.

MONICA
So could you come and pick us up?
He says he lives far away from
here.

TERRANCE
Sometimes I wish I didn't drop out
and got my degree so I could be a
doctor and help people.

Terrance then hangs up the phone and heads out to his truck,
which is a tow truck.

EXT. OUTSIDE, SUNNY, 8 PM

Terrance is seen in his tow truck driving up to the crash.
Jimmy is still sitting in his car as it slowly begins to
catch on fire. Monica is doing the Hokie Pokie next to the
car as Terrance slows down to a stop and rolls down his
window.

TERRANCE
I've been driving around for hours
trying to find a car that has
crashed into a tree since you never
told me the address. I'm going to
assume this is you.

JIMMY
Please tell me where I am. This
stupid woman won't help me out of
my car and I have no idea what's
going on.

MONICA
It's not my fault, you didn't ask
for assistance.

JIMMY
That's because I'm mute.

TERRANCE
Enough fighting, I will assist you
and then tow your car to a place
where it can be repaired.

MONICA
No.

Terrance then opens the door to his car and goes to help
Jimmy out of his car.

JIMMY
Thank you sir.

TERRANCE
(screaming)
YOU ARE WELCOME!

JIMMY
Would you also do the kind favor of
taking me home? I'd do it myself
but I have no legs.

TERRANCE
Could you tell me why you were
driving a car?

JIMMY
I needed to get some groceries.

TERRANCE
Were you out of eggs?

JIMMY
Yes.

TERRANCE
I have some in my truck if you
would like them.

JIMMY
That would be most kind.

MONICA
I haven't said anything in a while.

Terrance then hooks the crashed car onto his tow truck using
the assisted Jimmy into the passenger's seat of
the truck and they both drive off. Monica spontaneously
combusted and was burned alive before she hit the ground.

INT. THE TOW TRUCK, DARK AND MUSTY, 8:30 PM

Terrance is driving down the highway to the repair shop. His
truck has a scent which is a mixture between seaweed and
fish. He begins to engage Jimmy in a conversation.

TERRANCE
So Jimmy. That was quite some
accident you had. I expect the cost
of your repairs to be quite a lot.

JIMMY
It's okay, I'm rich.

TERRANCE
How rich?

JIMMY
Very.

TERRANCE
Are you single?

JIMMY
I don't roll like that dog.

TERRANCE
(screaming)
NOR I DOG!

JIMMY
Cool.

The car ride down the highway is then awkwardly silent for
five minutes and forty three seconds when Jimmy decides to
break the ice.

JIMMY
Where are the eggs?

TERRANCE
I lied. I only said I had eggs to
get you to ride with me because...
I love you.

JIMMY
I love you too, but you know this
would never work out. I must take
my leave.

Jimmy then opens the door of the car and proceeds to jump
out. He then rolls down a hill into a pond and is attacked
by a rabid goose.

TERRANCE
I completely understand. You were
too good for me anyways.

Terrance continues down the highway and eventually ends up
in Mexico where he helps immigrants illegally cross the
border, but we'll save that story for another time. I will
now proceed to roll my head on the keyboard.
qazxscdfjklm;,,

EXT. POND, SUNNY, 9 PM

A big, yellow goose is seen pecking furiously at Jimmy as he
lies helplessly in a puddle of clear water.

JIMMY
Please stop hurting me, it hurts.

GOOSE
(Yelling) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I HAVE RIGHTS.

JIMMY
So what kind of music do you like?

GOOSE
I am quite a fan of techno.

The goose then proceeds to violently peck Jimmy on the neck
in his jugular.

JIMMY
Why are you doing this?

GOOSE
It makes me feel cool.

The duck's head then explodes into many pieces. Jimmy looks
up, puzzled, and begins to moan. A man with a weird hat and
shotgun walks up and aims his gun at Jimmy.

GUY WITH GUN
Oh wait, you are not a goose.

GUY WITH GUN then lowers his SHOTGUN, accidentally misfiring
at his foot. Jimmy sits up and looks at GUY WITH GUN.

JIMMY
Thank you for saving my life. A few
more seconds and I would've been
gone for sure.

GUY WITH GUN
All these geese are hating on us
white men.

JIMMY
I'm not white.

GUY WITH GUN
Really?

JIMMY
Yes, I'm actually Caucasian.

GUY WITH GUN
I'm actually two midgets in a
trench coat.

JIMMY
How arousing.

GUY WITH GUN
You'd be surprised how often I get
that.

A man named Carlos then walks up. He is extremely overweight
and can barely walk. He has a Hanson T-Shirt stained with a
large assortment of foods on. He also strongly favors the
company of men, specifically under the age of four.

CARLOS
(screaming silently)
Oh my god guys why am I so stupid?

GUY WITH GUN aims his SHOTGUN at Carlos' head, with his
finger on the trigger, when he puts down his gun to tie his
shoe. Carlos then roundhouse kicks him in the face and takes
his gun.

CARLOS
DERRRRRR

Carlos then fires at GUY WITH GUN using the SHOTGUN, but as
he does so an extremely strong gust of wind picks up,
redirecting the bullet into Carlos' brain. There is blood
everywhere and it looks really cool. Like, really cool.

JIMMY
Today has been horrible.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN then goes down and sits next to
Jimmy.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
Why would this be young lad?

JIMMY
I've lost the love of my life.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
May I ask whom?

JIMMY
That goose. That sexy, sexy goose.
She was the love of my life. We'd
been married for ten years.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
But you were screaming to stop.

JIMMY
I have a pain fetish.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
That's quite nifty.

JIMMY
But now... Now I don't know what
I'll do. No one can love like her.
When I find out whoever killed her,
I'll kill them. With a gun.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
I use to have a gun.

JIMMY
Tuesdays are my favorite day.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
Where have all the berries gone?

JIMMY
What are berries?

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
They are a fruit.

Suddenly a man with a big hat and thick mustache drives up.
His truck is one of those huge 4X4's which really rich white
guys own. It has spinners. He opens the door and steps out,
wearing a hat with a feather, a large fur coat and a long,
golden cane. His name is Sofa King.

SOFA KING
(screaming)
I AM THE KING OF SOFAS.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
Where?

SOFA KING
Over here.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
Oh hey.

SOFA KING
Would you like to buy a sofa?

JIMMY
I can't buy sofas, I'm poor.

SOFA KING
Who won the argument?

JIMMY
Could I get a ride home? All I want
to do is get home.

GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
I would but I have no car. The
woods are my home.

SOFA KING
I have a truck. But it only seats
one person. However, I could strap
you to the top.

JIMMY
I did, because I am the man.

Sofa King then got a bundle of bungie cords out of the bed
of his truck. He threw Jimmy upon the top of the truck and
then strapped him down. He proceeded to open the door, get
in the driver's seat and drive off. GUY PREVIOUSLY WITH GUN
then, for no apparent reason, ran directly into a tree,
knocking him unconscious and leaving him with a huge gash on
his forehead.

INT. SOFA KING'S TRUCK, LIGHT, 9:30 PM

As Sofa King drives down the highway at 90 miles per hour,
the blood begins to rush to Jimmy's head. Sofa King rides
down the highway for at least two hours before he finally
realizes, he has no idea where he's going. He stops the car
on the side of the road and gets out.

SOFA KING
Hey buddy. Where exactly do you
live?

Sofa King looks at Jimmy and begins to worry when he notices
blood seeping out of his eyes.

SOFA KING
Jimmy? Come on dude, wake up!

He begins to shake Jimmy vigorously as he bleeds even more.

SOFA KING
JIMMY WAKE UP!

Worried, he loosens the bungie cords and grabs Jimmy's
nearly lifeless body. He stuffs it in the passenger's seat
and then races down the highway to the nearest hospital.
When he approaches the emergency room he grabs Jimmy's body
and runs into the building screaming.

INT. EMERGENCY ROOM, DARK, 10 PM

SOFA KING
I need help! My friend is bleeding
out of his eyes and I have a
hangnail!

A nurse immediately runs up to Sofa King with a shocked and
worried look.

NURSE
Oh my god! Where is your hangnail?

Sofa King lifts up his index finger.

SOFA KING
Right here! It really hurts and
it's starting to get red and a
bandaid doesn't help.

NURSE
This may require surgery. Throw
your potato sack on that chair and
follow me.

Sofa King throws Jimmy onto an empty chair and runs off to
follow the nurse, when Jimmy begins to awaken.

JIMMY
(tiredly)
Ugh, where am I?

Jimmy then looks around to see people in lab coats running
around and many sick people sitting in chairs nearby. The
woman next to him is extremely obese and, unsurprisingly,
the cousin of Carlos. She is 78, bald with yellow eyes and
takes up a hallway whenever she walks.

JIMMY
Am I dead?

GERTRUDE
No, but you look like you're pretty
close. What's wrong with your eyes?

Gertrude then pokes Jimmy in his eye. Turns out he was
actually a time bomb and everyone blew up the end. Alright
not really. But that'd be a cool ending, right? Jimmy
actually recedes and screams in pain.

JIMMY
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

GERTRUDE
I-

Gertrude forgets to cover her hands and then begins to cough
all over Jimmy. He is then turned into a carrier of the AIDS
virus!

JIMMY
Why would you do this to me?

GERTRUDE
It's not my fault, I'm terrible
with flirting.

JIMMY
You didn't have to cough all over
me!

GERTRUDE
(furiously)
IN MY RELIGION, IT'S A SIGN OF
APPRECIATION!

Jimmy then lowers his head in shame. He begins to cry until
he realizes he's crying blood. Then he comes up with an
idea, and looks right into what he assumes are her eyes.

JIMMY
You know what, you're completely
right. I shouldn't be telling you
what to do. By the way, you're
gorgeous.

Gertrude begins to blush, which makes her look like a
gigantic tomato.

GERTRUDE
You're too sweet!

JIMMY
Now, do you by any chance have a
car?

GERTRUDE
Why, yes! Yes I do!

JIMMY
Would you please do the honor of
taking me home?

GERTRUDE
I'd love to. Wait, don't you need
medical assistance?

JIMMY
I'll walk it off. Wait, don't you?

GERTRUDE
No, this is where I come to meet
people.

JIMMY
I'm not going to eat anymore
skittles because my tummy hurts. So
could you take me home?

GERTRUDE
Let's go!

Gertrude gets out of her chair and walks off as an
earthquake begins to form, which was no coincidence. Jimmy
leaps out of his chair and hobbles behind her. They both
walk out into the parking lot.

EXT. PARKING LOT, SUNNY, 11 PM

Gertrude is digging through her purple flowered purse as
Jimmy waits impatiently for his ride home.

GERTRUDE
Hmm... Let's see...

Gertrude continues to dig around for several minutes when
Jimmy finally says something.

JIMMY
(screaming)
WHERE ARE YOUR KEYS?

GERTRUDE
Stay calm honey, I'm almost past
the 3rd layer.

She continues to dig through her purse as Jimmy, filled with
anger, waits. After several more minutes, she finally finds
the keys and hold them up to the sky.

GERTRUDE
(singing)
FOUUUUND THEM!

JIMMY
Where is your car?

GERTRUDE
Now THAT'S the hard part!

Gertrude then walks up to the nearest car, a purple mini
van, and attempts to stick her key in the keyhole. The
earthquake rages on. Since the key doesn't fit, she walks
off to the next closest car, a red Jeep. Jimmy's face begins
to turn a dark shade of purple.

JIMMY
(screaming)
IF I DO NOT GET HOME SOON AND WALK
MY DOG IT WILL HAVE AN ACCIDENT AND
I'LL HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP AND I'M
PRETTY SURE THAT HE'S OUT OF FOOD
AND WATER TOO!

GERTRUDE
At the source of every error which
is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors
including the error of blaming it
on the computer.

JIMMY
(still screaming)
THAT DOES NOT HELP IN ANY WAY AT
ALL

Gertrude ignores Jimmy and continues down the row of cars.
She has attempted at least 30 cars now, and there are
hundreds more to go. Jimmy decides it'd be better if he were
to just lie down and take a nap. One hour later he is awoken
by the muffling of a car's engine, sits up and watches as
Gertrude drives up right next to him in a smart car, which
she took up nearly all of, nearly running him over.

GERTRUDE
Hop in silly buns!

Jimmy says nothing as he crawls to the car, opens the door
and gets in. He has difficulty closing the door and barely
makes it, squishing his face into the window and leaving him
absolutely no room to move.

INT. GERTRUDE'S CAR, DARK AND WARM, 12:38 AM

Gertrude is driving down the highway at 90 miles an hour as
Jimmy sits there with barely enough air to live.

GERTRUDE
You know, I believe this is my
first date. No wait, this is my
second. I remember it was back in
the 1940's, when I use to have my
long, golden hair...

Jimmy tries to scream out many hurtful words to her, but his
speech is muffled by the window which he's squished against.

GERTRUDE
It's okay, I know that I'm still
beautiful. Anyways, I was walking
home from school when a man jumped
out of nowhere and asked me to give
him all my money and said if I
didn't, he'd shank me! I was so
flattered.

Jimmy attempts to reach for the door handle, but Gertrude's
fat is blocking him from doing so. His urge to commit
suicide rises.

GERTRUDE
So then I said "Oh my god! I've
never been on a date before!" and
immediately hugged him. For some
reason he made this sound like he
wasn't able to breath...

Jimmy could no longer take talking to her and with all his
might, breaks open the window with his head. He jumps out
and rolls down the highway until he comes to a complete
stop. He is covered in many cuts and bruises, also blacking
out for a few seconds. When he comes to his senses, he
realizes that, once again, he must find a way home.

EXT. MIDDLE OF HIGHWAY, SUNNY, 2:51 AM

Jimmy leans up and stares down the highway. No cars are
coming at him. He stands up and turns around, seeing again
no cars are coming at him. Jimmy then looks down and notices
he is not wearing pants.

JIMMY
What happened to my pants?

Jimmy again looks around. He notices a vulture picking at
some road kill and walks over to it.

JIMMY
Can you help me get home?

VULTURE
What is your role in life?

JIMMY
I take care of my dog.

VULTURE
I like you.

JIMMY
I like me as well.

VULTURE
What else do you do?

JIMMY
Sit.

The vulture stops picking at his food and stares at him.
Jimmy stares back.

JIMMY
Why are you-

The vulture then makes a strange, loud noise that sounds
similar to a battle cry and flies right at him. He pushes
Jimmy to the ground and begins pecking at his face
furiously.

JIMMY
NO I NEED THIS FACE

The vulture instantly stops pecking at Jimmy. He gets off of
him and slowly backs up cowardly. Jimmy sits up right in
time to see the vulture's head blow up into pieces. Jimmy
ignores this and begins to walk down the highway. Hours
pass, when he finally sees a car driving towards him. He
begins waving his arms furiously for attention, causing the
driver to stop. He walks over to the passenger's side, opens
the door and hops in.

INT. TRUCK, NIGHT, 4:38 AM

JIMMY
Gee mister, thanks for the ride!

The truck driver stares blankly out the window.

DRIVER
Is there any intelligent life on
this planet?

JIMMY
Sometimes.

DRIVER
What country do you live in?

JIMMY
Mexico.

DRIVER
What city?

JIMMY
Paris.

DRIVER
I was on my way there.

JIMMY
Could you drop me off at my house,
I need to feed my dog and give him
water.

The truck driver slowly turns his head to face Jimmy.

DRIVER
(screaming)
I... LOVE DOGS!

JIMMY
So you will take me?

DRIVER
United Kingdom.

Jimmy buckles his seat belt as the truck driver pushes the
accelerator. After a few minutes he begins to drift off to
sleep.

INT. JIMMY'S DREAM, DISTORTED, 4:53 AM

From what appears to be Jimmy's point of view, he is sitting
in a chair in his living room. He looks at his TV. A show is
on which depicts a monkey with a butcher knife stabbing the
center of his hand repeatedly. Jimmy looks away when he
hears a bark coming from the next room. He sees his dog
turning a corner, which has bulging eyes and is wearing a
party hat.

JIMMY
Hi doggy!

Jimmy then reaches his hand out to pet the dog, but is
interrupted.

DOG
(robot voice)
Stop do not do that!

Jimmy stares at the dog with discomfort. He then reaches for
his lemonade and takes a sip.

DOG
I have been sent from the future to
stop you from your wrong doing!

JIMMY
TELL ME MORE DOCTOR!

DOG
Once you get out of the truck, a
small child will appear. DO NOT
TALK TO HIM. DO NOT LOOK AT HIM.
You may only punch him right in the
face.

JIMMY
Do you like your government?

A small bumble bee flies in, out of nowhere, and stings the
dog right in his spinal cord, causing him to fall over dead.
Jimmy then runs outside and is killed by a lawn gnome when
he wakes up.

INT. TRUCK, SUNNY, 6:20 AM

Jimmy screams as he wakes up. This causes the truck driver
to become startled and nearly run into another car. The
other car was red and had fuzzy dice.

DRIVER
(screaming)
WHY WOULD YOU SCREAM?

JIMMY
(screaming)
I had the craziest dream!

DRIVER
(screaming)
No way, what happened?

JIMMY
(screaming)
My dog was talking to me and it was
from the future and then it died.

DRIVER
Sounds hot.

JIMMY
Yeah dude, it was probably the best
night of sleep I've ever had.

DRIVER
I'm jealous of you. I wish I-

Suddenly the driver crashes into a nearby lamp post. Jimmy
is unharmed, but his friend goes flying and lands head first
into a fire hydrant.

EXT. OUTSIDE, CLOUDY, 6:40 AM

The driver's head is cracked open and the sidewalk is
splattered in red blood. Jimmy unbuckles his seat belt,
opens the door and hobbles over to his friend. He stands
over him and stares down at his head.

JIMMY
(quivering)
Oh... my... God...

Jimmy then leans over, reaches into his pocket and grabs his
wallet. He opens it up and finds $20, which he then puts in
his pocket. He begins to sob, kneels down and looks at the
sky.

JIMMY
(screaming, crying)
I NEVER EVEN KNEW YOUR NAME!

Jimmy stops sobbing and looks around. He then gets a huge
smile on his face and stands straight up.

JIMMY
Wait, I know this place! THIS IS MY
NEIGHBORHOOD!

He steps over the driver's lifeless corps and begins to run
with his little stubs down the block. He waves his arms
excitedly and grins as the wind blows into his face. He runs
and runs and runs when he finally reaches a maroon colored
house and runs up to the door. Jimmy checks his pocket for
his keys, gets them out, and unlocks the door.

INT. JIMMY'S HOUSE, CLOUDY, 7:30 AM

Jimmy pushes open the door with great excitement and runs
inside. He looks around with a huge grin on his face at his
paintings, his TV, his table, and then remembers the whole
reason he wanted to come home.

JIMMY
DOGGY! WHERE ARE YOU DOGGY!

Jimmy then hears a jingle and a bark, and right before his
dog turns a corner, a nuclear bomb sets off nearby. All that
is shown is a blinding white light followed by a tall
mushroom cloud.

NARRATOR
Everyone in the general area was
killed, except for a giraffe which
gained super powers and protected
the city by night, even though it
was a barren wasteland. What a
great end to a great story. While
some of you may be disappointed
with this ending, you'll be happy
to know that if this tale had went
on, Jimmy would've lasted five more
seconds before dieing, due to a
complication of massive blood loss,
various STDs, various infections
and ring worms. So the moral of the
story is, if you can't see and
don't have any legs, get someone
else to buy you eggs.

A big screen card that says THE END shows as everyone
applauds. I end up winning an Oscar for best picture and
everyone loves me.

THE END