Love. Love is such a strong word and just by saying those three words, it is able to instantly affect one's life, forever.
The cool night breeze caressed my shoulder length black hair, as I stood there, motionless looking at the ground beneath me.
Love can bring so much pleasure, so much happiness and just about everything to one, but at the same time can cause one, so much pain, so much agony…
So much hatred, so much misery, and even…death.
My bare feet were planted firmly on the ground, ignoring the piercing of tiny rocks, dirt and dry leaves against my skin; I felt completely numb at that moment.
I loved once. No, I loved twice. But who knew that the second time would have been so hard to keep; hard to let go; hard to forget; hard to hate. Hatred used to come naturally to me but I just couldn't bring myself to hate the one I loved for the second time.
I felt the trails of tears slowly harden on my cheeks as my hands started to shake. My fingers started to tremble and the weapon dropped to the ground.
People say that you will never ever forget your first love, but all I have been doing all my life was to try to forget my first love. First love means that one you loved that most and will always have a place in your heart. It's true but that place in my heart for him is a cold, dying part.
I had given everything to him; my love, my soul, my virginity, my being. In return, he showered me with beautiful musings of our bright future ahead. Showered me with kisses and with caresses, but somehow deep inside I could feel the slight emptiness lurking.
But I didn't acknowledge it. I was happy, I was in love.
The next thing I knew I was walking down the long beautiful white aisle, in a chapel. Everyone around me was standing, all their gazes at me. And there at the end of the aisle, stood my love, my happiness, my Sam.
He was standing on a step, looking oh-so handsome in his black tux, and a smile playing on his face. It was perfect; it was everything we both ever wanted. The perfect time, the perfect place, with the perfect guy.
But…something was wrong. Something was completely wrong.
For he wasn't gazing at me. He wasn't gazing at me, who was supposed to be his bride. And the gazes that were on me weren't of happiness but of…pity and sympathy.
I felt my whole world close in as I didn't walk towards Sam, but almost away from him. His eyes didn't register me. My Sam was gazing at his bride, who was gracefully gliding down the aisle in a long white gown, with a smile, equally like Sam's, on her half scarred face.
I felt my heart slowly turn to ash as my Sam and his bride, said their vows and then later shared their kiss. The kiss the indicated that my Sam…had become her Sam.
I kept tormenting myself on how…how could this have happened? Wasn't he meant for me? Isn't he my first love? Wasn't I his? Then how could this happen?
The pain was almost excruciating. I felt a short loss of breath at the fact that, the man that I loved with all my heart had just shattered my heart, into many almost unrecoverable pieces.
I felt hurt, but most of all, I felt betrayed. Two of the people who I thought were the most important people in my life, had just turned my life into hell.
My heart and my own blood.
My love, Sam and my cousin, Emily.
I couldn't stand them together; I just pushed them away from my life, hoping that they would just disappear.
But fate also is such a player. Fate got the best of me, and I was doomed to roam in this pain, forever.
Living within this pain, caused me to turn it into anger and resentment. I didn't want to feel anymore.
Anger was all that I was fueled up on and that's all I cared about. But every time Sam ever came, I felt a small part of me slowly die before being quickly masked by anger.
Fate had turned me into a bitter 'harpy', a girl who didn't care about anyone else, a girl who didn't want to feel. I somehow felt comfortable in that shell, a shell that almost no one could crack.
Except for him.
Not Seth, not my mom…not Sam. Him.
He hadn't done it intentionally, but whatever happened, it had made my exterior slowly crack. He and I never acknowledged each other but somehow, we knew each other. Something connected us.
His path and my path were almost a duplicate of each other. We both were two different trains but our stations were the same. But neither of us really admitted it. Almost like we didn't want to.
But again, nothing can run from fate or from your heart. Something made me slowly gravitate to him. Something was sort of pulling me to him.
He was different from the others. Very different.
When he stood up against Sam for something that he believed was right, was when I realized that maybe he could be my trail to freedom, from the pain and past haunting me. He was the true Alpha and someone worth following.
He and I didn't like each other's company at first but somehow we were able to understand each other's intentions. We almost saw through each other.
We both knew that our paths were messed up and we needed someone. Someone to guide us, someone to be by our side, someone to keep us grounded.
Time passed, and we both realized how much we needed each other, to keep each other sane, and to fight for what was right. He kept me away from Sam, understanding my circumstances and provided me with something that no one had ever thought of giving me.
Freedom from my pain, freedom from my horrifying past, freedom from being a monster.
The freedom…to love again.
I didn't know how to react at that first. I knew it could be a mistake, but it felt so right. He was there for me and I was there for him. He spent most of his time with me and I gladly kept to his side.
We made each other laugh, joke and just plain happy. The comfort of expressing these emotions within that had been locked inside for so long was unexplainable. With him, it felt right.
We would lie down in a middle of the clearing, and gaze at the dark blue sky, painting pictures using the stars. Forgetting the world for a minute. Just us two as time felt like it had slowed down.
We both came from almost the same paths and we both had been through a lot. And we both were looking for that freedom.
I felt different around him. With Sam, somehow I felt a bit restricted but with him, I felt free and open. But I was scared.
Scared that he didn't feel the same; Scared that he might turn his back on me like Sam did.
One day, I would pace around the clearing, when it was empty and he was gone, biting my lip, almost drawing blood, thinking if what I feel is right. But once I felt his securing warmth, when he placed his hand on my shoulder, I felt like the doubts didn't matter at all.
Gazing into his brown eyes, I felt like I was home and everything that mattered was him. He told me that he didn't believe and didn't want to believe in 'soul mates' or 'love at first sight'. All that matters is love. And that's when our lips met.
All the wrong things that could have happened slowly melted away from my consciousness as I felt him and me almost become one. All I wanted was him, all I wanted was Jacob and that's all that mattered.
But…fate never seems to give me any chance to breathe, does it? No warning, no chance to survive.
I stood in the middle of the Cullen's crowded living room, waiting for him, one evening. Taking a small sip from my champagne glass and trying to smooth out my knee length dress, I looked around hoping to catch his gaze.
Seth was a social bug; he was all around the place, talking up with some new leeches, while Embry and Quil kept to themselves, busy by the buffet table. So I was sole one out.
And then I saw him, on top of a small stage that was set in the living room. God, he looked so handsome, in your deep blue-black suit with an unbuttoned white shirt. He had a small smile on his face but his eyes seemed distant; almost unreadable.
I slowly tried to make my way to him when I was her. Not just her, but it.
In her long V-necked gown, almost exposing her cleavage, behind her long light brown curls. I slowly saw a wide smile dance on her face as she snaked her arms around his stiff left arm, leaning closer to his body.
Almost as she was claiming him; almost as if he belonged to her.
His eyes slowly moved to meet hers and his smile slowly started to quiver. I gripped onto my glass, moving my gaze back and forth from her to him, before she said those words that crushed the breath out of me.
"We're engaged!" she squealed, and I felt everything around me mute. All I saw were blurry figures around me and could barely hear her mother let out a yelp of glee before engulfing her daughter into a hug.
The glass slipped from my hand and shattered into a million pieces when it met the ground. But the applause drowned out the shatter, as well as my repaired heart breaking again. I felt my vision blur but not before I saw his lips and her lips, capture each other.
Those same lips of his, that not only captured my own…but my heart as well.
She was beaming as radiant as the sun, while he couldn't help a smile slowly appear on his face, almost forced.
I couldn't take it anymore. My heart was breaking…and breaking and nothing seemed to stop it. I felt water slowly build on my corneas but it didn't fall.
I didn't want it to fall. Leah Clearwater doesn't cry in public, ever.
I ran out. Ran away from all the joy and glee. I ran out of the door. But from the corner of my eye, I saw his perplexed gaze on me, before he called out my name, in almost an inaudible strangled cry.
Phasing felt like sudden release of pain, and as soon as my paws landed on the ground, not caring about the dress that had gotten ripped through the process, I felt the pain slowly become excruciating as it did before. Except a lot worse.
I dug my paws dip, trying to stop the waters from falling before I caught the view of the place that I once called home.
I staggered into my room, bare and collapsed on the cold wooden floor.
Cried my pain away, cried my broken heart out, cried my very soul out
Cried for my lost Jacob.
I was strong but there is sometimes a limit to how strong one could be and I had shown that. But at that time, being strong wasn't an option.
I couldn't. I was weak. I was always weak. Weak from a heart break.
And weak from a second heartbreak.
Compared to my first heartbreak, this felt like someone had stabbed me in the same spot a thousand times, senselessly.
Jacob had helped my heart heal, and had secured it with his love. But an axe had been thrown through my heart, with Jacob's own hands…is almost like a sentence to death.
Through my glassy eyes, still crying away, I watched the tears created small puddles of misery around me.
Crowding me in my own pain and pieces of my heart…as I slowly cried everything out, leaving just that numbness conquering my being.
Numb. The numbness was almost relaxing. Blocking out everything that happens around me. Feeling nothing rather than feeling something seemed like the easier path.
I didn't want to think, I didn't want to speak. I just shut out all of my senses and let the numbness take over.
Both Seth and mom tried to get words out of me as days passed but slowly gave up, as hope started to disappear.
I didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter to me anymore. I was a broken hearted woman in this shell of emptiness.
I was gazing blankly at the TV one night, when I heard a loud knock on my door, mixing with the thunderous sounds of the storm. I ignored it.
Two more loud knocks were heard but I just sat in my numbness.
Three most loud long knocks collided with the door and my dead eyes slowly moved to the door. With the smidge of energy left in me, I dragged myself to the door and slowly swung it open.
I looked ahead and all I saw was the view, almost melting like a wet painting splashed with water, as the heavy rain pierced through everything in its way. The knocks were just part of my mind going mad…until I heard a faint whimper.
I looked down to see him. I looked down to see Jacob, in the same clothes that he wore that dreadful day but a bit torn, dropped onto both of his knees, drenched in the storm, holding his palms out.
I stayed neutral. His head slowly titled back and his eyes met my own. His face completely wet, and not just because of the rain. His eyes were red to prove that. His lips trembled along with his hands, as he took in my dead state before slurring desperately those two words.
"Help…me" he whispered, before he choked on a small sob. I felt my hand slowly grip onto the door a bit tighter. I felt my numbness slowly start to take a whirl within me…it was slowly but surely fading.
"I-I di-didn't want th-this t-to hap-happen…" his stuttering words seeped through my ears, covered with pain, almost similar to my own. "Bu-but…I cou-couldn't…I-I do-don't wa-want…"
His attempt at finishing his sentence was cut off as his tears, mixed with the rain water, trailed down his beautifully pained face. I felt my broken numb heart, after a long time, slowly start to feel something. Slowly making my being less numb.
"I ne-need yo-your hel-help, Le-Lee…I ca-can't li-live with-without y-you" he manage to form, opening his bloodshot eyes to me again.
But he can't live with me either. That was the problem. But gazing at this man, who I had given my already broken heart to, to see him repair it and savor it, and make me love again, was enough to make my heart slowly cut through all the numbness that had taken over my body.
He had done it the first time, and he had managed to do it again.
Managed to crack my exterior and somehow make me feel towards him again. I was supposed to be angered or frustrated or deeply hurt about it, but when those two words once again escaped his mouth, I knew that he meant it.
I knew it wasn't just words like Sam said. Those two words were laced with pain and plain desperation.
I closed my eyes, feeling my insides slowly twist and turn as a small tear rolled down my cheek, after days. And he just knelt down there, in desperation…
Waiting for me to do something. For him. For the both of us
So here I was in the middle of an empty clearing, the same one me and Jake used to come to.
I gazed up at the dark blue sky, which had millions of stars scattered around as a cool breeze played around with the trees. Today was a beautiful day, I had to say.
Since that night, I knew that I was not going to let him go that easily.
No, I was going to fight for him. He was never going to be hers. She wasn't going to take him away.
I took in a deep breath and batted my eyelids, to stop my eyes from getting glassy before I brought my head to the sight before me.
So beautiful. I always knew its beauty but now was just exceptional.
I should have been saddened or angry with myself for doing such a thing but I knew what I did was for the best.
For me. For Jacob. For the both of us.
I stumbled a few steps before my feet gave out and I landed hard on my knees. But it didn't hurt me. After all that I had been through, this was barely called pain.
Crawling towards the body, I caught a view of my weapon of choice that I had just used not so long ago. The knife glistened with the blood of the one I had slain.
The crimson blood slowly dripped from the tip of the knife, dropping to the forest ground. Even its blood was beautiful.
I felt fabric underneath my fingertips and looks below to see the most peaceful and gorgeous sight ever. I felt my crumpled heart slowly trying to increase its beats as I took in every feature.
I let my fingertips get lost in the hair, trail down the forehead, down that fine nose, and softly outline those luscious lips.
Now I knew why no one could resist this being. It was absolutely gorgeous.
I felt a small choke slowly climb up my throat as I softly brushed my fingers against those closed eyelids. Eyelids that I knew would never open by itself again.
The warmth was slowly disappearing from the body. I slowly moved my face over its lips, slowly inching closer and closer, till my lips met his for the last time.
I felt like that kiss slowly sucked a bit of his warmth into my own. After all, we were almost one.
I slowly retracted my lips and took another gaze at his beautiful face. I caressed his cheek before slowly slipping in between his limp arm, curling into a ball against his body.
I told him I was going to fight for him and that I would never ever let her have him. I was going to help him. And I did.
This was the only way out and the only way we both could be free. I slowly turned my gaze to the left side of his chest, which was punctured and covered with almost dried blood which was a bit tainted with smidges of purple.
A knife covered with vampire venom, impressive one would have thought. He might have thought it was good idea too. It was the only way to end it.
I gripped onto him and stuck close against his side, burying my face in body, as my body started to tremble and small sobs started to escape from my mouth.
I had given Jacob what we both wanted. To not be tied back. To not have our heartbroken again.
I had stopped us both from another heartbreak.
I slowly raised my head from Jacob's limp body up to face the sky, and started slowly drawing pictures using the stars. More tears fell and blurred my vision but I just continued drawing in the sky, just like me and Jacob always did.
They will find out soon what happened. They will know who did it. But I didn't care.
He didn't turn his back on me like Sam did. Instead he asked for my help. And I offered it.
I had offered Jacob the help he needed the most; the sweet release of death.
I don't know what will happen to me. I didn't care.
I loved once, no, I loved twice. And my heart stayed with the one I loved the second time.
I may have killed the one who I loved to death but the real killer is within.
Like I said, love can cause so much but love is the one of elements of the heart.
Love can cause great pleasure and happiness but also can cause so much pain, suffering, hatred and also death.
I may have physically killed my Jacob, in his desperation and my own, for the love that we once shared…
But my heart is the silent killer that murdered me.
YO YO! Hey guys. I know I said that I won't be able to update till the end of June but I just couldn't stay away from you guys
I am crazy! I know. I know a lot of you are waiting for Morning Dew or Fading Shadow but instead I decided to present this one shot to you. This shot had been on hold for a while now but I just got a sudden inspiration hit last night, that nothing stopped me from writing this. Btw, i think Fanfic is pmsing a bit. I mean, it changes some stuff in some of my stories. Oh well. Oh and also, this is a romance/angst story right? =PP I'm lame, i know.
Never guessed it was Jacob, not Nessie, huh? =P snneaaakky.
Well, I originally came up with this idea for an English essay that I had to write. But of course I kind of de-twilightized it. But then, I thought it would great for a one shot for a Twilight fanfic and plus I wrote half a draft and my English teacher never got to correct it -.-
Well, I hope you liked it. It's a lot darker and different from others so I hope it is well received. My other stories will probably be updated by the end of June as I said. Check my profile for constant updates =D OH! AND THERE IS ALSO POLL ON MY PROFILE for what one-shots you want me to write on. I've added options that I think I might be able to write on. So vote!
REVIEWS WOULD BE AWESOME XDDDDD