Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa -.- I've been absent for so long I don't even know if someone's gonna remember me. Sorry for that, guys. Life can be a bitch.
Having said that, please enjoy the following piece and rest assured that I'm working again, so there's some to come ^^
Warning: slightly AU, spoiler for Volume 10
Disclaimer: Yes! More than just PSoH isn't mine! The fairy tale of course belongs to the Brothers Grimm. My pleasure, boys.
Claimer: I claim the idea for myself.
Author's Notes: After I did "Hansel & Gretel" for the Technical Incompatibility series, I was asked by Elvina whether I would write Snow White next. No, I won't. But I wrote this instead.
"Well, you've gotta have a name other than Count D! So just spit it and tell me!"
D turned and glared at the young man following him. "Why would you want to know, Officer? It's none of your business what my name is."
Leon grinned and stopped too, ignoring the exasperated looks that got him from other citizens of Chinatown. In fact, he even drew more attention by waving around a slip of paper. "Yeah, maybe, but, you know, I've gotta write your actual name on the warrant. And you yourself told me Count D's not your real name, so I'm trying to find out what it is."
D turned away from him with a look of exasperation on his face and continued making his way to the nearest bakery. Gods knew he needed sugar now.
"Okay, so is it a Chinese name? I don't know any Chinese names..."
"Which is such a blessing!" D snapped and briskly set his cup down to produce a hand fan from out of his sleeve, an action which made Leon roll his eyes.
"You are such a girl, really. Hey, I've got it! Desdemonda!"
A vein began to pulse on D's forehead. "Officer..." he gritted through his teeth, the warning clear in his voice. But Leon continued to fantasise; or perhaps he just liked annoying the hell out of D with this. There wasn't much else he could do to aggravate the pet shop owner, but his name had proven to be a sure way to make him lose him calm.
"Or perhaps it's not Desdemonda, but Daisy? A plant? Would fit, too, with you being all crazy for that green stuff... but you wouldn't be allowed to eat it if you were one yourself, would you?" He chuckled at his terrible joke, and then laughed even louder as D's teacup took flight. Luckily Leon had only been waiting for that to happen and managed to evade both the hand fan and his own teacup as he fled from the shop, calling "Princess Diana" back to D.
Leon was, of course, back the next day. "Hey, Dagobert," he said by way of greeting, and D's patience was finally worn thin.
"Who has ever told you that my name has to start with the letter D, I wonder," he snapped, glaring at the human. "It could start with any other letter; it might even start with a letter not common to the Latin alphabet, have you ever thought about that? Only because this shop's name is Count D does not necessarily mean my name starts with a D, too."
Leon relented easily to that suggestion. "Oh, I've thought 'bout that," he grinned and slumped down on the sofa. "But, you know, one's gotta start somewhere. I was going to start with E once I'm through with all D-names I can think of."
D's look was one of pure desperation.
Some weeks of silence followed that little event. Apparently Leon had grown tired of aggravating D with stupid names, and the kami was more thankful for that than he'd ever known he could be.
Then, out of the blue while they were having tea, Leon said: "Rumpelstiltskin."
D, standing at the tea-cart, froze, blinked a few times and then turned around, a threatening look on his face. Leon smiled at him innocently. "Wrong reaction, D. You should stomp one of your legs into the ground and then rip yourself in half."
D closed his eyes, took a deep breath, another, and a third. In fact, he didn't stop taking deep breaths until he'd counted to two hundred and thirty-five in his head, all the while Leon chuckled and seemed to be greatly amused.
Then he opened his eyes again and said, "Officer, although I have to admit that I am surprised by your knowledge of fairy tales, I have to tell you that if you ever – ever – start guessing my name again, I will permit T-chan to eat you."
Leon was still laughing quietly to himself, and his blue eyes sparkled merrily as he conceded. "Okay – Rumpelstiltskin."
And this time, the whole tea set was broken on his head.
However, the kami got used to Leon calling him thus; at least the name was one that wasn't completely unfitting, he consoled himself, although Leon of course couldn't know that. That didn't make it any less embarrassing when Leon caught up to him in the street, loudly calling for "Rumpelstiltskin", but he learned to deal with it, as he had learned to deal with all the other aggravating traits the officer had.
He never expected that this nickname would come in handy one day, but when Agent Howell handed him the warrant, proud and arrogant and self-assured, D couldn't help but laugh out loud. Although he tried to hide it behind his hand fan, the baffled, angry look on Howell's face, Leon's innocent-looking blue eyes – it was just too much.
"I am very sorry for having to disappoint you, Agent Howell," D said finally, wiping away a small tear and handing the warrant back to the FBI-agent. "But, as you surely know, you need a warrant with my real name on it. And, unfortunately, "Count Rumpelstiltskin D" is not amongst the choices."
Author's Notes: I don't have the slightest clue if a warrant really has to be issued with the true name of a person. But otherwise this wouldn't have worked, so just take it as I've written it, please ;-)