Welcome to my one-shot turned ficlet. I don't own any publicly recognizable characters. Hope you enjoy reading as this project has grown close to my heart.
Can be considered part of my other story later on as this is the same universe.
She had always been a girl who kept her worries to herself. She thought them over and over, maddening herself with them in the process. When she was worried she was sure that no one wanted to be in her head because worries would usually result in fits of self-loathing within hours.
When she was seventeen, she had worried that she wouldn't ever find a boyfriend. All the pretty girls in her class gossiped about who was the best kisser and the cutest boy and she hadn't even had her first kiss yet. Her thoughts had chased each other in circles as she concluded that maybe she wasn't fit for any kind of relationship with one of the cute boys. There were her parents, maybe even Seth. But weren't they somehow obligated to love her by the blood they shared? Could that be enough for her if she died unkissed? She had debated for days whether her lack of a boyfriend was due to her being awkwardly tall or due to her dislike of exchanging meaningless pleasantries. Somehow, she wanted things to be about what really mattered and not about if it was going to rain later. Because few things mattered and these mattered so much that they deserved full attention. Love, friends, family- those were important.
She had lost them all. One day had changed her life. A myth had come to life.
When she fell in love with him she didn't expect him to love her back. No, she worried and worried that he would ignore her or fall in love with her gorgeous best friend Katie.
Surprisingly, he didn't.
She shared her mind, body and soul with him. He had been the first one to love her for who she truly was. He had gazed past her looks and discovered her inner beauty.
If you had asked him, he would've told you about her qualities: That she was the most affectionate, beautiful, intelligent and modest girl he knows and that he loves everything about her- inside and out. He still thought that she was beautiful, even now. But fate had made him change the words to 'second most', playing right into her insecurities.
And second best she felt.
Why couldn't she be his fate, his matching puzzle piece? Technically, he hadn't ever chosen to love the other girl. His choices had been taken away from him. But still she felt rejected and unworthy. Maybe that was the worst part of it. Of course she knew that most teenage-relationships didn't last 'till marriage. That was a stupid cliché- reserved for drooling gossips to fawn over. She was more realistic than that.
If their relationship had ended in any other way and under other circumstances, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. But as it was, she had fallen into a bottomless pit of hurt when it ended. She was still struggling to climb out of it.
She had been there on the day he had imprinted on the other girl. That's right, imprinted, like some stupid bird. He had been drawn away from one second to the other. One- he had been madly in love with her, holding her hand as they waited for her cousin to arrive. Blink- Two- he wanted to marry the other girl and spend the rest of forever making her happy. Three- he did.
What made it worse was that she felt unable to hate them. Emily had been family to her and a close friend. He had been her everything. It had hurt like hell- not only a sting of rejection, but rather a slicing pain only comparable to dieing. A pain within.
She had seen their happiness, their gooey eyes, the mutual attraction. She had felt the perfect love between them. And that is why she just couldn't bring herself to loathe them. Hate would make the pain easier. At least she'd have someone else to blame but herself.
But she didn't.
So she blamed herself. It had been her all along: She had lost him because she wasn't good enough genetic material for the wolf pack's leader. She had killed her father. She was a murderer, no matter what the others said. The first female wolf in history and legends. She had scared her father to death with her mutant nature. Maybe that was what she was- a mutant.
Imprinting was supposed to complete people. It was supposed to ensure strong offspring. Why couldn't he have imprinted on her? She answered this question for herself. She probably wouldn't be able to have kids. She was a genetic dead end, especially now that her body didn't change anymore. That thought often made her cry.
If she were good enough, the magic would've chosen her, not the other girl. Her cousin.
Had she just been fate's slave? Only existing so the other two would one day meet? What was her point in living, anyways? Try as she might, she didn't know what she was living for. There was no one that she could pass her knowledge or love onto. All was gone. Robbed by creatures that were to live in the world of fairy tales. Vampires.
They were the cause of all the changes, causing herself and even poor innocent Seth to change into wolves the size of bears. She had to hate them and she pretended to. But she had never been the one to hate others or even circumstances. She didn't hate the bloodsuckers enough to want them dead. Gone, yes. But dead? Never.
While she blamed them on the outside, she hated herself inside. Like a hurt animal she snapped at all glances of happiness in others and buried herself in self-loathing.
She didn't want the others to know these thoughts. She had to be strong, at least for his sake. She couldn't let her feelings escape her because she knew that he still loved her. When they went wolf she could feel his love and the sorry vibes coming off of him. He still loved her and it hurt her. It hurt that they couldn't ever be. She was second best. Their love wasn't enough anymore.
Sometimes she could only find comfort in prayer. That is when peace was in her heart and she could appreciate the beauty that surrounded her. Nature was beautiful and other people had it worse than her. After all, she still had her brother and her Mom. She also had her alpha wolf- though he wasn't ever really paying attention to her since he had imprinted on Emily. How she wished imprinting didn't exist! It had been good to her alpha, though.
Somehow she hoped that she wouldn't imprint. It couldn't be this easy for her. She had to heal the hard way. She knew that she would imprint, though. It was the easy way out. She would be a slave to the tribe's magic, forced to love whoever was chosen for her by fate. The possibility frightened her.
Maybe she would be able to fight it. Like she fought the hurt inside her when she saw her former boyfriend. One day the gashes in her heart would be closed and she would be able to look at him without feeling herself tear open. She would be well enough for her to truly live again. She would live without the guilt and hatred eating her up inside.
One day she would find peace within herself. She would learn to accept and love herself and embrace her wolf. She would let her love shine out of her heart. They would see her for how she really was - scarred, but beautiful.
One day she would hear him say her name and be happy for him. And he would eventually look at her without the bottomless sadness in his eyes and leave the past behind.
One day it wouldn't mean 'sorry' when he spoke her name.