*Hey Guys ! This takes place after Eclipse – there is no wolf pack, Jacob is not a werewolf. Sorry. Edward is very dark in this, but there will still be glimpses of Sweetward mixed in. You've been warned. Hope u like it.*

I hate funerals. Once, a lifetime or two ago, I used to think that they were kind of peaceful, a sad but quiet time of letting go, saying goodbye, thinking of all the wonderful moments had together…but of course those were funerals of old people…Gran, who was 87 when she passed away…she had lived a full life, a good life. It was hard but I was able to let her go and smile and know she was a free spirit now, able to fly and do backflips in the clouds if she chose to…she was so frail and in pain at the end, it was almost right that she was gone and not trapped in that body anymore.

But this funeral is different. Jacob is…WAS…only 19 years old. And it's my fault he's dead.

If I hadn't pushed so hard…if I didn't confront Edward and act so tough…if I had gone with Edward when he told me to…then…I can hardly even think this…

Then…Edward wouldn't have killed Jacob.

I want to let the sobs pour out of me…I want to scream and howl and make a fool of myself in front of Billy, and all Jacob's friends and relatives…but I won't…not yet. I know Edward is watching me…waiting to see me break. If I do, he'll taunt me about it later, even mock me…before he punishes me, that is.

Edward's punishments were severe and heartbreaking, as well as physically painful. He would think for hours on how to make it hurt me in every way, not just a bruise or a cut that could heal. Edward's punishments never healed…and would never go away.

Once, I begged him to stay with me. I would've gotten on my knees that day in the forest if I were able to move my legs as Edward so callously spoke the words that meant he was breaking up with me and would never return. My heart was crumbling, withering like a rose in the snow as I watched his eyes. They were ice – no love for me there, no emotion, no sadness I could see no matter how deeply I plunged to find that light I once knew. And for the first time since I knew him, I could find nothing human there. I glimpsed the monster he warned me about that lived inside him.

And then he leaned in and kissed my forehead, a gesture of innocent love such as a father or grandmother would bestow upon someone dear to them. I think that was the cruelest goodbye of all. A kiss without passion, romance, or anything even mildly warm. I was broken at that moment. I died.

Now I wish I had really died then. But my body lived on, despite my heart's decision that it was over.

But, now that I'm older, I look back and see that even though first love nearly destroyed me…second love was so much sweeter. And stronger.

Second love, Jacob Black, was even more intense because there were things he had to go through with me that first love could never know. Second love has to be tender…they must care for and heal the wounds left behind of first love. Jacob did that, so patiently…selflessly…without even trying to stake his claim on me. He came in the name of friendship, just wanting to see me smile and have the sun on my face.

Second love has to endure. Jacob had to watch me suffer, so many times. Even when it seemed like we were having fun, just hanging out, first love would cross my mind and my heart…and he would see my whole face just lose light and warmth…he knew what was happening inside me almost every time. And there was nothing he could do about it, just be there with me. And he was. He never faltered or failed me.

But I was stupid. I kept pining away over first love who couldn't care less about me…while a noble, sweet man like Jacob hovered around me like a guardian angel, loving me all the time I cried and longed for Edward. I want to go back and slap myself in the face and yell, and demand to know what her problem is. But I can't. What's done is done. I know that's all my fault, too.

I saved Edward. Just when I had gotten to the edge. I was ready to cross that line and love Jacob. I had almost kissed him that night in my kitchen. Then like he could sense it was about to happen, Edward called.

I flew to him as fast as I could when Alice said he was going to kill himself. Nothing else mattered to me then…not even Jacob. He begged me to stay with him. Even in front of Alice he would humiliate himself to make me listen…but I was a stupid teenager and ignored him. I even told him goodbye.

A single tear cuts down my right cheek before I can stop it and I quickly wipe it away, as if it's acid on my skin. Edward saw. I know he saw. Part of me doesn't give a damn and is willing to take whatever Edward decides to dish up for crying at Jacob's service. But another part of me, the part I hate…is terrified.

You see…Edward has changed.

Yes, he still loves me…in his way. It's this eternal vampire love for me that I think was the problem in the first place. How terrible for a vampire to fall in love with one person for all eternity…when that person does not feel the same way about you in return. What is the vampire supposed to do then ? Edward only had two choices – to leave me alone and let me live in peace with Jacob – or refuse to leave my side.

Edward chose the latter.

When we first came home from Italy, I was so happy Edward was alive, and that he truly loved me all along. I couldn't think straight. I was alive again, too, as if I'd never felt all the pain since the moment he left me. My heart broke when I realized Jacob would not be my future, although I tried to lie to both of us when I said we could be friends. In a way, I was now worse than Edward in my words to Jacob.

If Edward stood before me and told me that he loved me, but not as much as someone else, say Tanya, for example, I think that would have been even more cutting than the real breakup speech he gave me. And if he then said, "I'm still living here in Forks with her, and we'll be going to Forks High together, but can't we still be friends?"

I think I would have to kill him, Tanya, and then myself. I would find a way. But this is what I was doing to Jacob. And yet he still loved me.

Edward wanted to marry me. I was still in so deep then. I wanted Edward forever, but I had no idea what forever meant…and how long it could be. Even in the deepest part of night, when no one seems to be around, I can hardly make myself even THINK the words…I should have let him die back in Italy.

And I hate myself for letting the words creep into my thoughts. But they're there. Like dirt I can't wash off. I want to be free. I want it even if it means my own death. But I already tried that once. I did not succeed. How can you when you have a vampire always watching over your every move?

There is no way out.

He loves me. He will always love me.

That was once a dream come true, a gift. Now it's a curse, an eternal life sentence I can never escape.

I know you all only know the Edward made from music, dreams and love. I knew that Edward, too. I still love HIM. I don't want you to hate Edward but I will tell you my story…from the day I told Edward I had made my choice. That is where Hell began for all of us.