Imagine, just imagine, that Star Trek, instead of being written and directed by Hollywood's finest, was actually one of those crappy sitcoms that no one likes that comes on at 2:00 in the afternoon? Ya know, like when you're off school or work or whatever one day and you just flip through the channels and discover with horror that even though it's the WORST SHOW EVER you realize that it's the ONLY THING ON? So you actually WATCH IT?
No, I'm not saying that I think Star Trek is a shitty sitcom, but WHAT IF IT WAS?
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters.
Warning: This isn't supposed to be well written, it's literally supposed to be a script to an episode of a really SHITTY sitcom, so don't leave any reviews saying it's badly written because it's SUPPOSED to be that way! If you think it's stupid, I don't want to hear it. KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, PEOPLE. Now on the other hand, if you have some more helpful comments, I'm all ears!
Rated "M" for over use of the word "shitty"
Again, If you aren't into dumb spoofs, you may not like this… anyway…
So here you go, ladies and gentleman, I present to you:
Star trek: The sitcom
Read all notes and warnings before posting reviews, perhaps it will help explain…
(Insert footie opening song, along with random clips of random moments in random episodes in random order. End with entire cast standing together grinning stupidly at the camera somewhere important, oooh, let's say the bridge)
(Fade into first scene)
One day (like every other day) James Kirk and Leonard McCoy sat alone in sickbay, drinking. (Insert shitty sitcom intro music)
Finally, after sitting in silence for what seemed like an hour, (only a few seconds to our observing audience) Kirk looked up and spoke.
"This is booooring." (He says this in a very whiney childish voice)
Bones grumbled a response.
"Yeah… tell me something I don't know" (Insert stupid laugh track)
They mope for a few more moments. Suddenly, an evil grin crossed Kirk's face. (Audience makes an amused noise)
"Hey, wanna go piss off Spock?"
Bones sits up and gives Kirk a stern look. (Cue laugh track again)
They stared at each other for another moment, and then Bones shrugged and returned the smile.
"Meh, what the hell, sounds like fun!" (Laughter becomes uproarious even though this whole thing really isn't that funny)
They both set down their drinks stood up; they exit the sickbay to strategize their attacks
(Scene fades out, a random slideshow of pictures of the outside of the Enterprise is shown along with a cut of the crappy music again)
(Fades into next scene)
Kirk was sprawled out on the floor of his room surrounded by random scraps of paper, Bones sat at Kirk's desk, looking at his own papers, occasionally balling one up and trashing it. (Yes I KNOW they don't actually use paper in Star Trek but it's a shitty sitcom, remember?)
"Hey, how 'bout this one?"
Bones stood up and handed Kirk one of the sheets, Kirk scans it and shakes his head animatedly.
"Nooo, we can't waste all those sponges, we'll run out before the end of our five-year mission!"
(Audience laughs loudly, even though no one really gets the joke…)
Bones goes back to the desk to look at more papers, eventually Kirk stands up to present his own idea. Bones flinches after reading this, he rejects it immediately.
"Vulcans can't get high; even if he could he'd never eat brownies in the first place…"
(Insert more laughter, it dies down, some weird lady continues to giggle a moment longer)
They both return to their work, eventually Kirk looks up again.
"How do you think Vulcans would respond to tickling?"
(Immediate laughter begins, someone gasps hysterically for air)
"Jim, now just think about this for a minute, tickling would be the Vulcan equivalent of rape, I don't think that's a good idea…"
(Really REALLY loud laughter, clapping is heard)
"Still it would be funny to see his reaction…"
(Laughter spikes and dies down)
Bones shakes his head again, and continues to look through the papers. Suddenly, he freezes. He picks up a sheet of paper and just stares at it, and slowly begins to grin.
Kirk looks up at the lack of sound and scrunches his eyebrows.
"What? …Bones what?"
Kirk walks over and looks over his shoulder, and starts giggling.
"Oh, heheheh this is PERFECT…"
(They exchange such a look that it makes the audience start to laugh obnoxiously again)
(Scene fades out again, another ship picture montage begins with music, Kirk sat in the bridge, he clicks at buttons on the arm of his chair as the music fades out again)
Spock stepped out of the turbolift, he paused, straightened his uniform, and walked over to Kirk. He handed him a PADD to sign and began to walk over to his post. Then, he stopped and looked back over at the captain.
"Captain, is there something troubling you?"
Kirk held back another grin and shook his head; the tone of his voice gave him away.
"No, there's nothing wrong, I'm just… tired…"
Spock lifted a trademark eyebrow, and called his bluff.
(A few audience members give a quiet chuckle)
"Perhaps I could take the Conn if you feel the need to rest…"
Kirk holds back another laugh and shakes his head again.
"No, no, I'll be fine, you can resume your post…"
Spock furrows his brow in thought and returns to his post. After a few moments, Bones walks in from the turbolift and begins to whisper to Kirk.
"Got everything worked out?"
Kirk looked up at him mischievously.
"Oh yeah, I did."
They both cast an evil look at Spock, who just cocks an eyebrow and returns to work. Bones gave Kirk a pat on the back.
"I'm surprised you could find one on such short notice…"
"Well it just so happens that we picked a few up off of that broken down ship we intercepted, one of them seems to feel she needs to repay her "everlasting gratitude" to me for the rescue, I just called in the favor…"
As if on cue (well, it really was on cue since that's how sitcoms go…) loud beating music began resounding around the bridge, the captain rigged the warning lights to come on so the room was drenched in flashing red. A very flashy green woman slid her leg out of the turbolift and began to dance her way around the different workstations. Kirk was smart enough to schedule all men that shift, they all started laughing and standing up as she twirled by. All except Spock, who was not amused.
Then, she began to shimmy her way over to him (our audience is obviously in hysterics by now if you hadn't figured that out on your own) and he froze. His expression didn't change as she crawled on him and began lap dancing on him. He just leaned away and kept his tone even.
"I respectfully ask that you cease from doing that; you do not belong on the bridge and I find this very unprofessional…"
She kept at it as if she didn't understand English, she slid her hands from his head and down his sides and she just pulled herself closer. (continue laugh track)
"Please, I do not wish to forcibly remove you from the premises…"
Everyone else on the bridge began laughing hysterically, Spock glared at Kirk as he saw him laughing hardest.
Calmly and quietly, Spock slid his hand away from his side and over the science station controls. After a few seconds of tinkering with the computers, the music stopped and the flashing lights ceased. The green women finally took the hint and stood up, glaring at Spock.
"You know, you really are hard to please…"
Then she walked out in a huff, everyone just stared at Spock.
(Now our audience is completely silent to see what he does next… then a more dramatic version of the intro is played to add to the cliffhanger)
AAAAAND the Image fades out and goes to commercial (Mostly the regular midday commercials; community colleges, cleaning products (Billy Mays…))
So yeah, there's chapter one. Chapter two will come soon, just flip through a few channels while you wait!
NOTE: I am not dissing Star Trek or any particular sitcom OK? Though this whole thing is meant to be a joke, it seems some people like to find ways of twisting this kind of stuff and making me seem like a bad person, so before any of you trigger happy trekkies come shooting down my door, I just want to say that I mean NO ILL WILL to anyone or anything Star Trek or sitcom related, you should not be insulted because you should NOT take this seriously! OKAAAY? Take your phasers off kill and put them down slowwwly!
AND PLEASE DON'T LEAVE REVIEWS WITH COMMENTS ON SPELLING OR GRAMATICAL ERRORS. If you feel the need to contradict and correct people, go edit Wikipedia and LEAVE ME OUTAA IT!
Note that my ranting is not directed at anyone, don't take it the wrong way, I'm just trying to cover my ass ok? *Pats on the back* Glad we cleared that up!
Also, as for the chapter title, meh, I just thought it sounded funny…