Disclaimer: Blah blah blah...don't own Doctor Who, etcetera...

The character is the Rani, from the 6th (and 7th) Doctor's time - I guess this is probably AU of "Mark of the Rani", but it's not a serious fic, so that doesn't really matter. This fic is much more grounded in reality than anything I've done before...in other words, yes, I did write it in a lecture. The inspiration? Need you ask...

"…and vasopressin is released, which inserts aquaporins into the luminal membrane…"

It took some degree of control to keep her voice this calm and monotonous – after all, she herself was fascinated by the intricate workings of biological systems, even at this infuriatingly basic level. Clearly, though, the humans who filled the desks and chairs before her did not share her passion.

Just the way she liked them.

The lights were dimmed to compensate for the failing projector she had installed in the room; the vents in the ceiling pumped warm air through the lecture theatre, heated to the optimal level below human body temperature; and the gently undulating buzz of the dimmer switch was no electrical fault. Pitched at an exact calculated frequency to send soothing vibrations through the human nervous system, it was beginning to have its desired effect.

"…so when the ions reach the distal convoluted tubule, they can be reabsorbed due to the concentration gradient…"

There was a soft thud from somewhere near the back, and her keen eyes swept across the room, locating the source – a young man, head resting on his thick textbook. To her delight, she observed that several of his neighbours had also succumbed. Suppressing a shudder of disgust at the sight of a string of saliva trickling down one young woman's chin, she moved back towards the desk and pressed a button on the primitive computer to change the powerpoint slide. Underneath the desk, the fingers of her other hand deftly ran across a panel of touch-activated buttons and selected several. She moved away from the desk and continued speaking. Unseen by the dozing primates, a tiny panel the size of a pinhead slid open on the backs of their chairs. A microfibre-thin needle emerged, slender and flexible, and targeted itself towards the exposed necks of the occupants of the seats.

Oh yes – this was so much easier than 19th century England! At this rate, she would have the desired quantity of chemicals for her experiments in no time at all, and with no risk of getting mixed up in any of the Master's messy plots for universal domination. In 21st century Palmerston North, the red marks left by the filament needles would hardly seem out of place after Friday night – in fact, most of the young humans were obliging enough to hide them for her. And they consumed so many of their own commercial concoctions of chemicals that it came as no wonder to most of them why their sleep patterns had been so severely disturbed since they came to university.

Getting the job in the first place had been a piece of cake, of course, to use a human expression. There was no question that her brilliant mind surpassed anything this planet had ever known. Considering the vast differences between Gallifreyan and human physiology, adapting her knowledge to the pitifully limited range of species on Earth had been a matter of minutes.

Not that time meant much in a strict sense to a Time Lady, though, she thought to herself with a satisfied glance around. That had probably been the most difficult part – redecorating the interior of her TARDIS to match the original lecture theatre with her own necessary modifications. The staff had never noticed the battered old filing cabinet that had stood in the foyer for the few days before lectures began. And then…well, she would never admit it to the Doctor, but it had been a simple inorganic matter reconfiguration of a Tissue Compression Eliminator that had disposed of the old building. It was now gathering dust on a shelf in the architectural design laboratory, where it probably wouldn't be noticed for another twenty years.

Little did the students know how right they were when they bemoaned to each other as they departed how much longer the lectures seemed nowadays with this new lecturer. An oscillating temporal transducer on the time rotor kept her TARDIS in constant flux with the time vortex, effectively travelling back one second for every two seconds the relative timeline outside moved forwards. It was almost too easy, really – she could have laughed aloud when the gullible young humans swallowed her explanation of how the magnetic resonance imaging machine in the physics laboratory next-door caused their watches and cellphones to stop when they walked through the door. They had even stopped bringing them for fear of damage to their primordial little electronic devices.

"…resulting in a concentration of higher osmolarity than seawater, which enables the sheep to remain hydrated if consuming saline solution. And I think we'll leave it there for today…"

A collective sigh ran through the class and there was a flurry of shuffling and rustling as they packed up their folders and pens and stood up, blinking blearily. With a small flicker of alarm, her ears caught the words of a pair of young women in the front row who were stretching and rubbing their eyes.

"I don't think I'll bother coming tomorrow, eh?"

Now that wouldn't do at all – she needed her subjects for a little while yet. Still, she knew more about the workings of this subculture of humanity than possibly even they themselves. She knew how to ensure their attendance without fail.

"Oh, and I forgot to mention – the next few lectures won't be in your study guides. They could still be included in the final exam, though."


By Aietradaea