Tonight, he sent Kurt home with a black eye, for what must be the millionth time. He knows that the thing will be invisible by tomorrow – hidden by Kurt's overcomplicated and incomprehensible makeup routine – but that doesn't really make him feel any better.
The first time he ever hit Kurt, the guy looked so shocked and scared, and ran out of Finn's house before the mark had time to change from red to purple. Finn was grateful for that, because it meant he didn't have to hold on for very long before running off to the bathroom to puke his guts out. What he was doing with Kurt had made him feel sick all along; it was way too much what douches like
Those jerks from the football team would do; taking advantage of the one person helplessly in love with them to get an easy lay and convenient outlet for their self-esteem issues. Finn's using Kurt and he knows it; Kurt knows it too – he doesn't even seem to mind. He doesn't seem to mind getting hit either. Kurt just looks at him like he's perfect, and Finn wants to just scream or freak out or die, because can't Kurt see what's happening? What Finn is doing?
Most of the time, Finn beats him harder then, just to try and make the guy wake up. It never works.
Finn can't stand any of it, because he knows what a mess he's become (not that he was ever like, good or anything, but this is a whole knew level of being a piece of shit), and Kurt is way too good for him. Kurt really is an awesome dude – occasionally kind of creepy, like the Rachel thing – but seems incapable of seeing it; worships Finn like he's some kind of god, and Finn just hates him for that. Finn is just fucking up Kurt like he fucks up everything he comes in contact with, and it so unfair, because it isn't all his fault, not really.
He guesses the lashing out at a perfectly innocent person is a cliche, but he can't help it. He can't even look at Puck and Quinn anymore without seeing red and wanting to destroy something, and it's wrong to act on that urge, no matter how slowly. But they destroyed him. She was his girlfriend and he loved her, would have done anything for her, would have done anything for their family; and Puck was his best friend, the one person he was meant to be able to count on no matter what happened; and fuck, how could anyone possibly be worth so little as to have those people do this to him?
He doesn't know what he's doing. Rachel had offered herself to him – she loved him and he knew it, she always had. He wanted to be with her, really he did, but she was so good – if mildly annoying – and he was so not that he couldn't. He knew he'd wreck her like he wrecked everything, so no. Even if it was hurting them both, he'd stay away. But now he just doesn't get it, because Kurt is so much better than him too, and Finn can – has to – wreck him.
It always takes him a few seconds to figure it out. He loved – loves, kinda – Rachel. Kurt's just kind of there.
He looks down at his hands. They look red from where they collided with Kurt's face, and Finn wants to throw up. He feels sick all the time now.