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Title: What Should Have Been

Pen name: Twilightheaded23

Characters: Jasper and Bella

Disclaimer: I own nothing except for my raunchy thoughts about these characters. SM owns all things Twilight.


Lyrics that inspired me: From "Possession" by Sarah Mclachlan

And I would be the one

To hold you down

Kiss you so hard

I'll take your breath away

And after I'd wipe away the tears

Just close your eyes dear


JPOV

I was fifteen years old when I fell in love with Isabella Swan.

It was my first day of high school and my brother and I were the new kids, the talk of the smallest fucking town ever.

The bell had rung and I was officially late and my locker wouldn't open. I banged on it, kicked it and was about to rip the offensive door off with my bare hands when I heard footsteps down the hall.

I struggled, trying not to look like a little pipsqueak who couldn't open his locker at the big-bad high school.

"Hey, do you need some help?"

I turned around and my life changed. The heavens opened up and smiled down on me. Big brown eyes were level with mine and I was thrown into a verbal stupor.

"No, um, it's stuck, but I think, stupid locker, I…"

She smiled at me and my stomach flipped. "Chill. I had this one last year. It's a pain. Let me try?"

Instead of attempting to talk again I just moved out of her way and she placed her hand on the lock.

"Combination?"

I glanced at the piece of paper in my hand. "Um, 31, 18, 26."

"Ok, the trick is that you have to push really hard on the combination lock thingie for the numbers to register or something." She pressed hard into the dial as she turned it finding the numbers. It clicked open with ease.

"God, thanks. It's my first day and I'm so late. Just, thanks."

"Ooh, one of the Cullen's right?" I shot her a look. "Hah, sorry you guys are news. This town is fucking small."

I sighed. "Yeah, I've noticed. I'm Jasper Cullen."

"Nice to meet you, Jasper. I'm Bella Swan." She dangled her bathroom pass in front of me. "I've got to run, but I'll see you around ok?"

"Wait! Before you go, umm can you tell me where Mr. Berty's class is?" I did not need to be even later by getting lost.

"Oh sure, it's in building three. First room on the right. He's cool though, so he won't be mad you're late or anything."

My shoulders relaxed slightly, "Oh, good, and thanks, again."

"No problem, I'll see you around!" She skirted off, her long brown hair blowing behind her and my heart squeezed in my chest.

The best day of my life was also the worst.

I ran into Bella again that first day while I was waiting on my brother in the parking lot.

Mr. Fucking Popular. I saw him already surrounded by a new group of friends. I wasn't shy by any means but being the little brother of Edward Cullen had some serious disadvantages.

He was pissed when we moved, considering it was right before his senior year, but from the looks of it, he was going to be just fine.

"Jasper?" I already recognized the love of my life's voice.

"Bella, hey!" I tried to nonchalantly wipe my sweaty palms by running them through my dirty-blonde waves.

"Some ride…" she gestured to the silver Volvo I was leaning against.

"Oh, it's my brother's. I don't have my license yet, but hopefully I'll get my own car when I do."

"Sweet deal. I have a car all ready for me when I turn sixteen in a few weeks. It's a piece of shit though."

I laughed, "It can't be that bad."

"Oh you'll see, well, actually you'll probably hear it coming from a mile away." She giggled and I joined in because the noise was that infectious.

"What's so funny?"

Edward turned up then, sauntering over in his all-too-cocky glory.

"Nothing," I said. "Edward, this is Bella. Bella this is my older brother, Edward."

They shook hands. He leered at her with his stupid practiced smirk. She blushed. He offered her a ride home. I got shoved in the back seat. They flirted. He walked her to the door. They exchanged numbers. Part of me died.

They were a dating by the weekend, Facebook official a month later, and in love by Halloween.

I stood back and watched it all happen. To make matters worse, because they spent so much time together, inevitably, Bella and I became friends. Best friends, and I loved her a little more every day. She treated me like her little brother most of the time, even though I was only one year younger than her, which I constantly reminded her of.

But the moments I clung to were those "almost" ones. Bella would be waiting for Edward to get home from practice or something and we would hang out, watch movies, or listen to music. There were these times that I swore on all that is holy that we were almost going to kiss.

My particular favorite "almost" was during a tickling match. I was the most ticklish person on the planet and Bella got endless enjoyment out of torturing me.

I hated being tickled yes, but when it was her soft little hands doing the touching and poking, it was the absolute worst kind of torture. One day I had had enough and managed to flip her over and pinned her under me while I held her wrists. We were laughing hard one moment and dead silent the next, staring into each other's eyes. I almost broke. I was leaning in to finally taste her pink little lips.

"Jasper," she whispered and the raging hard-on I normally sported around her twitched as my name fell from her lips. Naturally, at that moment, the door downstairs slammed and Edward came barreling up the stairs. We swiftly split apart and never spoke of the moment.

Despite my own feelings, I gave Edward his credit. He really did love her. He treated her right and made her feel special. So when he left for the University of Washington the next year, they agreed to do the long distance thing.

It was hard on Bella at first but I was there to pick up the pieces because nothing made me happier than when she smiled. Knowing I was the one who put it there was gave me hope I knew I shouldn't hold on to.

Edward came home almost every weekend. For about a six weeks.

Then he started staying at school more. He called her less and less giving me more tears to wipe away but also giving me ample time to spend with her.

Any girls that I attempted to date ended up hating Bella out of jealousy. She knew me better than anyone and it was clear no one stood a chance even though she tried so hard to back off. But of course, I couldn't date a girl without going to Bella for advice. Looking back I think I was inadvertently trying to make her jealous.

For fuck's sake… I even asked her for pointers on sex before my first time. I was so ready to get it over with because I knew it would never be with Bella. So I had mustered up the courage when I had been dating this girl Alice for a few a weeks well into my sophomore year.

Thanks to Bella, I earned a fanfuckingtastic reputation for being the best lay at Forks High School. I told her I owed her one and she merely laughed saying, "Like brother like brother I guess." I wanted to hurl.

It killed me to see her so unhappy although she hid it amazingly well. She wasn't even one of those clingy girlfriends who called Edward every day. Bella didn't ask for much and Edward took full advantage of that.

One Friday after school, I came home to find him sprawled on the couch.

"Hey man, what are you doing home?"

He pointed to monstrous pile of laundry in the hallway. "Needed to just relax for a weekend, and I've got some studying to do. Dorms are kind of distracting."

"Oh cool, well Bella will be psyched. She's definitely missed you."

"Fuck, Jazz! Can't I be home for five damn minutes without you hounding me about Bella?"

"Don't be such an asshat. I didn't fucking say anything."

"Whatever man, can you just do me a favor? Don't tell her I'm home this weekend. I just need to chill."

"You're shitting me right? You haven't been home in two months and you're not even going to see her?"

He flipped me off and stormed out of the room, but not before saying, "You're my brother, bros before hoes. Don't fucking say anything."

That was when my lies to Bella about my dick of a brother began.

I knew he was cheating on her. He couldn't not be. Bella started to have her doubts about him, but then he would make up for it by swooping in with some big romantic date and she would forget anything had happened.

I pushed my feelings aside even more because when she was happy, I was happy. The brotherly guilt continued to eat away at me though.

This cycle continued through high school. Then Bella got a full ride to UW. My emotions were on over drive. I was so happy for her and so insanely jealous that she was going to be officially reunited with Edward while I finished up my last year. The last two years had felt like they were mine. I ended up punching a hole in my wall.

It seemed like all was right in their world when Bella left for college. Having her there made things immensely better for the two of them. Edward chalked the stuff before up to the fact she wasn't in college and didn't understand what he was going through, but now that she was there they had more things in common again.

These memories flooded my mind another year later, while I was sitting in my room in Edward's off-campus house drowning my sorrows on a Friday night. Thank god I didn't have to suffer through dorm life. My roommate would have thought I was the most emo son-of-a-bitch alive.

Pictures of Bella and me were spread out on my bed. Looking at them, an outsider would assume we were the happy couple. Football games, parties, Halloween's, trips to First Beach. I loved this girl so much it hurt and she had no fucking clue.

The honeymoon however, was officially over with Bella and Edward's college relationship. He was slowly crushing her all over again and I was here at UW to pick up the pieces. Again.

The light had drained out of her eyes. When they were together now she was a different person. Shut off, shy, lacking the fire I knew was just under the surface. The fire I loved and appreciated her for. The fire Edward pissed all over.

I was contemplating the ways in which I could get away with fratricide when the door slammed downstairs.

Laughter reached my ears and so did a high-pitched squeal. "Edward! Put me down!" said a voice that clearly did not belong to Bella. My stomach churned.

"You fucking like it, Rose," I heard him say, followed by a loud slap and another round of nauseating giggles.

His door slammed and pounding bass reverberated up through his ceiling and into my floorboards.

I had to get out of there. Plausible deniability was my best friend at this point. I quickly swept the pictures of Bella and me into their respectful shoebox I kept them in and shoved it under my bed. I was looking for my keys when I heard it.

Bella's truck.

Oh shit. Oh shitohshitohshit oh SHIT.

I threw on a crumpled shirt and raced down the hall toward the stairs. Keys turned in the lock.

"Edward? You here?" I heard her call. For the life me I couldn't move. I was rooted to my spot behind the wall.

I had waited for this moment for years. Prayed for it. Gotten on my knees and fucking begged for it. Now that it was here, I didn't want it. I couldn't see her be broken like this.

That thought made me run toward her. I would do anything to protect her. I was halfway down the stairs preparing to just pick her up and run if I had to.

"Oh hey, Jazz. Is Edward he-"

"Baby, you got any whipped cream?" Some blonde fake-titted Barbie came sauntering out of Edward's room, clad only in her bra and underwear.

I watched in horror as all the color drained from Bella's face, then it came back. Her rage boiled to the surface turning her face a brilliant red.

"Who the FUCK are you?" she seethed.

Edward picked that moment to come running out in his boxers. "Bella, love, it's not what it looks like. I-"

"You have a girlfriend?" Rose shrieked. "Oh HELL no. I don't do 'the other woman' bullshit." With that she ran back into his room appearing seconds later, fully clothed. Bella and Edward hadn't said a word yet and I was still looking on from my perch on the stairs.

Rose stopped next to Bella on her way out. "I'm sorry. I never would have. He didn't tell me. Nothing happened… I, well, I recommend a swift kick to the balls."

I almost liked Rose a little at that moment.

Bella huffed a humorless laugh. "Just leave, please," she whispered. Rose nodded and hightailed it out the door.

Bella rounded on my brother and stared him down. I had never seen her like this before. Hatred was rolling off of her but I knew it was only a matter of time before the break down.

Edward didn't even look phased. He stood his ground and I knew this one was going to be epic.

"So, how long has that been going on?" Her voice was small but determined.

"Well, as you clearly saw, that didn't go on," he retorted. Jesus fucking Christ, he was going to be a dick to her… of all the times.

She shook her head. "You impossible, worthless, piece of shit."

I couldn't bring myself to leave. It was car accident syndrome, when you know you shouldn't stare but you can't look away? Well, there was a fucking tractor-trailer turned over and about to explode in the living room.

"Shit, Bella…" he groaned pulling at his hair. "Did you honestly think it was still working between us?" Edward yelled. "You can't tell me this has been good for you!"

"Fuck you! I know we've had problems but I thought… I thought," the tears started to spill over.

"You thought what? That we would last? Get married and live happily ever fucking after? Bella I know you're naïve but couples from high school never last! Jesus, you of all people should know that!"

"Don't you dare bring my parents into this you asshole!" Her voice shook with rage.

I couldn't believe he said that to her. Her parents' divorce was always a touchy subject with Bella and the fact he was stupid enough to bring it up at a time like this, he really didn't know her at all.

She screamed and a slap echoed through the room. Edward looked stunned by her sudden bout of violence. I was so fucking proud of her that I wanted to fist pump and start chanting her name.

He rubbed his face as a sob ripped through Bella's chest. She wrapped her arms around herself and I knew that was her signature sign of shutting down.

"Bella, love, please, I'm so sorry." He tried to grab her hand and she flicked it away.

"No you're not. Or that would have been the first thing you said to me." She turned away from him and trudged toward the door. She placed her hand on the doorknob and I knew she had to get the last word in. "I hope you rot in hell, you soulless bastard. We're done."

Her words were quiet but murderous and Bella didn't even turn around to look at him when she said them. She slipped out of the house and the room drowned in awkward silence.

Edward was rooted to his spot, staring after her. I imagined he thought she would never have the balls to dump his stupid ass and he would always be able to weasel his way back in. But this was final. He looked a little shocked.

I slowly made my way down the stairs. "E, bro, are you ok?"

He shrugged. "I, I'm not sure. I need to get out of here though." Edward ran to his room and I heard him banging around a few minutes. He came out with a duffle bag and keys in hand.

"I'm going to crash at Emmett's for a couple of days, ok? Take care of the place." I simply nodded because my mind couldn't handle any other response. Bella was free. Bella was upset. I needed to go to her.

"Jazz, look. I know you and Bella are good friends, and, I know what I did is fucked up, so just, make sure she'll be ok. Please?" His voice was strained and I knew he was trying to do something right by asking me to check on her.

I nodded again and he clapped me on the shoulder before taking off.

Headlights flickered through the windows as he pulled out of the driveway. I stood at the window and watched the drizzle turn into a downpour. A familiar truck was parked down the street.

Fuck.

I ran out of the house and hauled ass to her car.

She was lying across the bench seat, curled in the fetal position and I could hear the sobs over the pounding rain. I wrenched open the door, crawled in and immediately pulled her to me.

Bella collapsed into me and I encased her in my arms. As much as I had dreamed of this moment, I never thought of the aftermath. My fantasies normally just consisted of her waking up realizing she was with the wrong Cullen.

I knew there was nothing I could say. Not now. So I just let her cling to me, ruining my shirt with her salty tears.

It could have been hours later for all I knew but slowly, the sobs quieted to whimpers. The sniffles became less frequent and her fists loosened their vice grip from around my neck.

Bella finally pulled herself from my grasp and sat back against her seat, wiping the remaining tears from her puffy eyes.

"Thanks," she murmured.

I grabbed her hand not wanting to lose contact just yet and said the one thing I knew she needed to hear. "Pie?"

A small smile pulled at her beautiful lips. "Definitely."

We switched spots so I could drive to our place. The 24-hour diner was such a hole-in-the-wall that not many people knew about it and that's exactly the way Bella and I liked it. It had the best pie in the city, possibly the state. We had spent so many hours there just hanging out and it became a place of comfort for both of us.

The door chimed as we walked in and the waitresses waved at us. Bella had yet to say another word. I wasn't sure if she was in shock or what, but I matched her silence, afraid I might set her off again.

When a waitress came by to get our order I asked for the apple but Bella still hadn't said anything.

"Bells? You want the key-lime, right?" She gave a little nod. Apparently this was going to be a silent diner trip. I hoped my presence and a good dessert were enough to give her some comfort.

I watched her fold into herself again. I wanted to tell her he was worthless and never deserved half the love she gave him but it was still too sensitive. She needed some space from it all.

We ate our pie in the despairing silence with the exception of the occasional nose-blowing on her part. Bella looked utterly broken but she was still the most beautiful woman I had ever laid eyes on. I paid the bill, grateful she actually ate most of her food, and headed back to the house.

"Are you going to be ok to get home?" Bella gave me another meek little nod.

I climbed out of the car uncertain if there was anything else I could do for her.

"Jazz?" I snapped my head around. "Um, I might need a few days, you know, just to separate myself, from things."

"Yeah, I kind of figured. But I'm here, if you need me you know."

"I know, thanks."

I leaned in and kissed the top of her head relishing in the familiar gesture between us. With that she gave me a tight-lipped forced smile and drove into the night.

A few days turned into a week. I hadn't heard from my best friend in seven days, eight hours and thirty-two minutes. Not that I didn't try of course. After two days I called her, nothing. I texted, nothing. I stopped by her apartment but her roommate, Angela, wouldn't let me in.

"Bella will call you when she can, Jasper. She's ok, just coping."

I knew she would come around, but it was killing me. This was the longest in five years we had gone without seeing each other, let alone speaking.

Edward was still doing whatever the fuck he normally does and wasn't sleeping at the house. I had only seen him a couple of times since he dipped out after their breakup.

My emotions were eating away at me and I needed numbness, like yesterday. I flopped onto my bed with a bottle of Jack I stole from Edward's stash and took a long pull. Bella consumed my every thought.

How was she doing? Did she still want Edward? Should I tell her how I feel? How would she react? Did she hate me already just for being related to Edward? Was she staying away from me just because she associated him with me? Had they gotten back together and were off fucking for days in some hotel?

My own thoughts were giving me a headache and I took another swig. Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The Sky is Crying" floated through my speakers and I continued to drive myself insane with the "what ifs."

The familiar rumblings of a truck shook me from my stupor. Keys turned in the door a minute later and I heard her soft steps creeping up the stairs.

I threw open my door to find Bella with a box in her arms. She looked so tired, but there was a hint of pink back in her cheeks and I took that as a hopeful sign.

"Bella, thank god," I sighed.

She adjusted the box in her arms. "Hey Jazz, I just, um, some of Edward's stuff, I wanted to drop it off…"

I took the box from her, immediately dropped it on the floor and kicked it down the hall.

"Fuck I've missed you." I pulled her to me in the tightest hug I could manage. Her normal scent of lilac and vanilla was extra strong; she must have just showered. I breathed her in deeply like an addict getting a much-awaited fix.

Bella nuzzled into my neck and I squeezed harder. "I've missed you too. I'm sorry I didn't call, I was just thinking a lot, and I was such a mess. You didn't need to see me like that."

"Bella you know I don't care, I was just so worried about you…"

I felt her loosen her grip and I pulled back. She looked around nervously. "He's not here. He's been staying at Emmett's I think."

"Oh, ok. Do you mind? Can we have a movie night? I need something really stupid and mindless."

I walked into my room and gestured for her to follow. "I've got just the thing." I opened my nightstand drawer and pulled out a bag of mint Milano cookies and held up the bottle of Jack in front her.

She let out a small laugh. "Perfect. Bueller?"

"But of course." I popped in our favorite John Hughes movie and we sat back on my bed. My world had shifted right side up again in her presence and I was finally able to relax a little.

We both zoned out and began quoting back and forth almost the entire movie. I looked over at Bella and focused in on the little cookie crumb on her upper lip. I wanted to kiss her so badly it took every ounce of my focus to keep still.

"Jazz?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think… did he ever love me?"

I knew this was coming. "Of course he did, Bella."

"Then why, I just don't understand." Her voice broke on the last word. Christ, wasn't she out of tears yet?

"I think you guys just grew apart, you know?"

"I guess, I just thought things would be different. And they were so great last year, and now, I just can't help thinking I did something wrong. Or I'm not good enough, or… or," The tears started falling freely down her cheeks.

"Bells you did NOTHING wrong. Edward is clearly missing brain cells. You're great and if he can't appreciate that then you're better off without him."

"I don't think I am. I've been so worthless since we broke up," she was starting to gasp for air. I can't believe she valued so much of herself based on him.

Something inside me snapped. I couldn't fucking take it anymore.

"Ugh shut up, Bella."

"Jazz, what-"

"Just shut the fuck up, ok? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You are so much better than this, better than him!"

I didn't mean to get so angry but all my pent up emotions that I had shoved away for so long were bubbling to the surface. I was so sick of listening to her talk about him.

"For fuck's sake, you're not even yourself when with you're with him! You don't even realize you're doing it, which is the really messed up part."

"You don't know what the hell you're talking about, he knows me better than anyone, He, he…" sobs started to build but I didn't care. Not this time.

"You don't even see it do you? He doesn't know the real you! Not like I do!" I shot up off the bed. Adrenaline was pumping through me and I paced in front of her. Bella sat there stiffly with her mouth agape. I knew she wanted to say something but I took advantage of her temporary shock.

"You don't eat mayo when he's around because he hates it, but I know you love it. You pretend to like those stupid indie movies he takes you to even though you and I both know you'd rather watch some mindless action movie. He gives you roses every time because he thinks they're your favorite when I know you really like tulips. Purple ones.

"You bash on country music with him but I know you love Johnny Cash and Patsy Cline. I know when you think something's really funny because your laugh turns into this cackle and it's my favorite noise in the world. I know you hate straightening your hair but do it anyway because he told you he likes it like that."

I was rambling. My obsession was out in the open now. The floodgates had burst and it was flowing forth. It felt incredible and cathartic. Bella was still perched on my bed and I dropped to my knees in front of her. I was desperate to make her see, make her finally understand.

"Bella, I know what it sounds like when you come," her eyes widened to an impossible size at that one. "I shared a wall with him, I know. But I also know what it sounds like when you fake it. Whether you admit it or not, I know it happened more and more."

I placed a hand on her knee and let my voice drop. "I know you get goose bumps when I touch you. I know that when we've almost kissed, you would have let it happen and… and I wouldn't have been able to stop."

She gasped and her eyes narrowed, but I couldn't stop now, she had to know. "Bella, I know, with every fiber of my being that I'm in love with you. The real you. Ever since the first time I met you. It should have been me. It should have been us and I know you know that too."

"Are you done?" I nodded.

The sting of her hand across my face knocked me on my ass.

"Bells! What the hell?" I tried to rub feeling back into my cheek.

"How dare you Jasper Cullen!" Bella stood over me now and her eyes were black with rage.

Oh shit…

"If you knew me at all you wouldn't have said those things to me! I feel shitty enough as it is and you have to rub it in with your crazy stalker-knowledge of me? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I stood back up and grabbed her shoulders. "What's wrong with me? You're the one who's been lying to yourself for the last five damn years! Every fucking word I said is true and you know it! You just need to admit it. I should have been the one! But no, I got to be the 'best friend' who dried your tears! Who listened to you ramble on and on about my stupid brother who you never belonged with in the first pla-"

Another strike against my cheek cut me off. When the fuck had she become so violent?

"Shut up, Jasper! Just, stop! Stop!"

"Stop what, Bella? Stop saying the things you've been denying since we met? Stop loving you? I can't! I've tried, believe me, I've tried so fucking hard. It's killed me to watch you be so unhappy. But it was pure torture to watch when you actually were happy with him…"

She was a sobbing mess in my arms now but there would be no comforting this time. I looked down into her eyes and marveled again at her beauty and what a fucking moron my brother was for ever letting her go.

We had backed up against my wall and I was towering over her, my hands still gripping her shoulders. I pulled her chin up to make her look at me. "Did you know that when you cry you eyes turn almost amber?"

A force I couldn't comprehend propelled me forward. I was leaning in. I had to taste her. The lips that had tormented me for so long…

"Jasper…" she whispered.

"Bella," I was so close I could feel her shallow breaths fanning my face.

"Don't. Please…" She closed her eyes and I inched closer still. "Don't!" This time she shoved me away and I stumbled back. "I can't, it's not, I just can't with you, ever."

With that she grabbed her purse and ran out of my room. I heard her footsteps pounding down the stairs and the front door slam a second later.

What the fuck had I done?

I expected not to hear from Bella for at least a week. Possibly more. Or ever again said a tiny part of my brain. So I was deep into my wallowing pity party a couple of days later. I hadn't left my bed in what I assumed was about 24 hours except to use the bathroom.

Edward still wasn't around though which made my depression over his ex-girlfriend mildly easier to deal with. I had no clue if she told him what I said but if she did I was preparing myself for imminent death.

When I couldn't stand my own stench anymore, I forced myself into the shower. But I was so weak from exhaustion and hunger I ended up sitting on the tiled floor. I let the scalding water run over me until my skin was almost raw.

After I was finished I looked in the mirror to assess the damage. I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror. Blood-shot eyes looked back me. A two-day beard lined my jaw and there was still a huge pillow crease on my forehead. I couldn't stand the sight of myself.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and stepped back into my room only to find Bella sitting on my bed.

"The fuck! Jesus Bella! Warn a guy will you?" I clutched my towel tighter realizing how vulnerable I was at that moment.

Her gaze traveled up my naked torso and a warm blush spread through her cheeks. Fuck how I loved that blush, but I chalked it up to this being the most unclothed she'd ever seen me before. Bathing suit yes, but there was something different about a towel.

Focus man!

"Bella, what are you doing here? I thought you-"

She held her hand out to stop me. "Jasper. We need to talk and I really need for you to hear me out right now, ok?"

Bella was here and she wasn't running away. I had to apologize. I didn't mean to freak her out before. I would take it all back if it meant she would still be my friend.

"Bells, I'm so sorry! The other night, I just kind of lost it. I can't explain it, I'm just… and then trying to kiss you, I should never have done that. You were hurting and vulnerable and-"

"No, Jasper, I'm sorry. I wanted to be comforted and I didn't walk away, well soon enough anyway. But the kiss, I, I couldn't do that to you. To us. It's just when it comes to this…" she gestured between us.

I knew where this was going and I didn't want to hear it. I couldn't take the impending rejection. She couldn't kick me out of her life; I wouldn't let it happen.

"Bella, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I was just freaking out and you were so upset and-"

"Let me finish, please? What I was saying, it's just, when it comes to us, you're my best friend and, and if anything ever happened between us-"

Her voice started to break and I knew the words were coming. I would accept it but she didn't have to say anything.

"Stop, Bella, please. You don't have to explain, I know you don't feel that way." I sat on the bed next to her but she shoved me back again as she stood and moved away from me.

"Shut up Jazz and let me fucking talk! If anything ever happened between us, I wouldn't want it to be because of him. So the other night? It would have been for all the wrong reasons! I needed some time. I had to think. Let your words sink in."

"Bella," she growled at me for interrupting again. "Sorry," I murmured and motioned for her continue.

"The point is," she took a deep breath and raked her hands across her face hiding from me. "You were right," she whispered.

I couldn't have heard that right. I couldn't have heard anything because my heart was pounding out of my chest.

"It was never him. It's you. It's always been you and I was just too fucking stupid to realize it and I'm sorry. I've hurt you for so long, I didn't mean to, fuck! I didn't know...

"I always want to see you happy. What I thought was the best friendship ever? It's so much more. The way I feel when we're together even if I'm just napping while you watch some stupid game, it's perfect and I'm content and feel right."

She was pacing in front of me now, pulling at her hair and chewing on her stubby little fingernails that I always liked. I wanted to stop her and look into those eyes to make sure this wasn't a dream but I was frozen again. This seemed to be happening a lot lately.

"I can't believe I've been so blind. I can't believe you didn't tell me how you felt sooner! I wasted so much time on him! I HATE this!

"I hate that even during my and Edward's best times, I still thought of you. I hate when he held me I thought of you. I hate when," her voice dropped to a near inaudible level. "When I really came, with him, I was thinking of you. I hate this so much… I can't, I can't…"

She stopped talking trying to catch her breath. I tried to say something but my mouth was clenched impossibly tight. Bella sat down on the bed next to me and pulled my hands away from my face. She replaced them with her own making me look into her tearful eyes yet again.

"Jasper. Can you ever forgive me? Please, I, I… love you. So much. I just wouldn't let myself know. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

I looked into those brown eyes that had haunted for me for so long. Her touch was sending a current shooting through my body. But her words, fuck. My heart split wide open.

I felt a single tear slip down my cheek. Bella let out a little gasp and then I felt her hands pull me toward her. She kissed away the solitary tear.

All the times she had cried to me, I dreamt of doing that to her. I wanted to kiss her troubles away so much. The fact that the tables were turned made my stomach knot in a painful and pleasurable way.

The girl I had obsessed over the last five years just professed she had the same feelings for me and I was sitting in front of her like an utter moron not saying a damn thing.

I found my voice but it was hoarse and thick with overwhelming emotion. "Bella, of course I can forgive you. I'm sorry too. For not telling you how I felt, for lying, especially for him and I am especially sorry for not doing this sooner…"

I cupped her cheek and brushed away her remaining tears as a smile tugged at the corners of the perfect lips I had waited so long to kiss.

We leaned into each other and when our lips met fireworks exploded. Her lips were softer than I had ever imagined. The melded with mine perfectly, like two puzzle pieces clicking together. It was tentative at first, slowly discovering each other.

Bella tasted so fucking good and I was already thinking of how amazing other parts of her were going to be. She scooted closer to me and pressed her chest against my bare one. I groaned and slid my hand behind her head pulling her closer.

I wrapped my other arm tight around her waist, playing with the hem of her shirt on her lower back. Bella's skin was unbelievably soft and boy scouts could have camped under my towel.

I felt her hands fist in my hair as she let out a little sigh. Bella shifted then, breaking the most spectacular kiss in the history of the world. She leaned back on her heels looking at me with hooded eyes.

"Bella," I started to say we could stop if she wasn't comfortable but then her hands moved to the bottom of her shirt and she lifted the garment right over her head.

I was face to face with the most perfect tits I had ever seen in my life. She was wearing this sheer pink and black lacy bra and I almost blew my load right there.

"Fucking Christ, Bella…" I swallowed hard.

She crawled toward me with this evil little smile on her lips and gently pushed my shoulder encouraging me to lie down. "Jasper… do you know how hard it was for me not to jump you in high school?" She raked her fingers lightly down my chest and I gasped at the sensation.

"I have some idea," I sputtered out.

"Do you remember when I told you what to do with Alice?" she asked in between kisses on my shoulders.

I nodded because I could no longer form words. "All of that… it was what I wanted you to do to me."

My hands clasped around her neck and I pulled her in for another searing kiss that boiled my blood. "Oh, Bella… I would have. I wanted to. If it weren't for-"

Her fingers pinched my lips shut. "I swear to god, Jasper. I will leave you with the worst case of blue balls in your life if say his name right now."

"Yes ma'am," I smiled and then quickly rolled her under me earning a little squeak of surprise from her. I cursed the stupid towel that miraculously stayed around me. I was ready for no clothing between us.

I took in the sight before me. Bella's dark hair fanned across my pillow, her chest heaving in anticipation.

"Do you have any clue how fucking beautiful you are?" She bit her lip and cheeks filled with that delicious blush.

I lavished her with kisses working my way from her neck to those stunning tits. I began licking and sucking through the fabric and her moans spurred me on.

"Pants, Jazz. Take them off."

I shuddered at my name falling from those lips all breathy and turned on. Her jeans snapped open like they were waiting for my eager fingers and I pulled them off with ease.

"Motherfuck, Bella!" I took in her near naked form. She hadn't worn any underwear. "You planned this didn't you?"

She feigned innocence. "I don't know what you're talking about…"

I grazed my hand over her thigh eliciting goose bumps that pebbled across her body. "Admit it. You planned this. It turns you on, being near me completely bare…" I began kissing across her bare hips, my hands squeezing the flesh of her bitable ass.

"Unngh," she moaned. "Nope, no plans here," she squeaked.

"Admit it, naughty girl. Or I'll make you pay," I mumbled between kisses across her stomach.

Her hands snaked down between us until she palmed my rock-hard cock through the terry cloth. I hissed at the contact. "I'm counting on it," she whispered and with that my towel was ripped away.

The skin-to-skin contact was almost unbearable. I collapsed on to her body and ground my hips against her.

"Fuck! Jasper…"

"I've waited so long to hear you say my name like that." I looked down at her bra and recognized the little front clasp. With a flick of my fingers the material fell away and I bent my head down to taste her delicious flesh.

Her hips bucked against mine. Heat radiated from her and I couldn't wait to feel it wrapped around me. A little bud tightened and hardened in my mouth as I grazed my teeth lightly over her nipple. At the same time I worked my hand down between her legs and ran a finger over her slick folds.

"Holy… shit," she was panting beneath me and I loved that she was reacting to my touch this way.

"Baby, you haven't seen anything yet," I said as I slid two fingers deep inside. She immediately clenched around me, writhing against my wrist.

Her hands roamed across my back leaving trails of heat behind. This woman set my body on fire. Bella was exquisite in every way. I felt a little drop of sweat roll down her stomach and I took the opportunity to bring my mouth where I really wanted it.

As soon as she realized what I was doing I felt her tense. "You don't have to, I know guys hate doing it, well guy… so you don't-"

"Bells, what the fuck are you talking about?" I whispered against her skin, "Do you have idea how bad I want to make you cum on my mouth?"

It struck me that Edward must have never done this to her… I felt ecstatic that I was going to be the first at something with her.

I took my fingers out of her and made sure she looked on as I brought them to my mouth. "So delicious…"

Her mouth hung open in shock and I let out a small chuckle. "Just relax, beautiful. I've dreamed about doing this."

She took a deep breath as I started kissing closer and closer. I lifted her hips slightly as I looked up to meet her eyes and I could feel myself giving her an evil smile.

I gave one long lick up her slit. Holy mother-of-fuck. Sweet and salty swirled together on my tongue. Bella tasted so fucking good; Edward was a fool. I let out a moan to match hers at the same time. I latched my mouth on to her sliding my tongue deeper, licking and lapping up all she gave me.

"Mmmffuck! Omigod…" Bella's cries floated down only encouraging me. I could fucking live here if she let me, and the way her hands latched onto my hair I had a feeling she just might let me.

I ran my tongue up and down her slick folds. She was so wet and knowing it was for me made me impossibly harder. This was mine. Only I could give this to her. I wanted to be the only one to give it to her, ever.

She was close. I could feel her twitching beneath me, her noises becoming louder. Music to my fucking ears. My fingers dipped into her once again and I curled them against her while sucking furiously on her clit.

Her body stiffened as I felt her walls tighten around my fingers. "God, JASPER! Fuck!" Bella screamed and panted my name over and over as she rode out her orgasm.

I continued licking and sucking at everything she gave me. I would never tire of this. Eventually I felt her hands tug my face away and I began my journey over her flushed body once again. Kissing, nipping, sucking the naturally sweet skin.

I wanted to worship her always.

"Jasper," she whimpered. "That was… no words. Thank you."

I smiled in the valley between her breasts. "Bella I think I almost enjoyed that as much as you. Almost." I nuzzled into her hair as she let a tiny laugh.

"Almost huh? I'll see if I can fix that."

With more force than I thought possible, she flipped us over and before I knew it her long hair was tickling down my chest.

I was already leaking. I'd never been so turned on before in my life. Then I felt her little tongue dart out and lick my tip.

"Shit!" My hips immediately bucked toward her seeking the friction. I heard a little giggle and then nothing.

My mind went blank. Numb from the pleasure. Her hands stroked while she worked my cock with her tongue. I think mumbled something unintelligible when I felt myself hit the back of her throat and damn near lost it when she looked up at me.

It was too much. I didn't want to lose it this way. I wanted more. Her. More than anything.

I pushed gently on her head, "Baby, I don't want to cum like this. Can we, I mean I understand if you don't want to but…"

She grinned up at me. "I want to. I want you."

My heart squeezed at her words and I pulled her to me, kissing her senseless once again. I reached for my nightstand but her hand stopped me.

"Pill. And, we, I mean I, haven't ever done it without one before," she paused to lean in and kiss me by my ear. "I want you to be the first. I want to feel you. Only you," she whispered.

I know it was trivial to think of at a time like this, but having another first with Bella made me insane amounts of happy. This was uncharted territory, for both of us. He had never had this with her. This would be mine.

"Bella, you sweet, amazing, wonderful girl… I love you so much."

"I am utterly in love with you Jasper," her voice broke and I could see the water welling in her eyes.

"No more tears, baby." As I spoke I shifted myself over her and asked the silent question with my eyes. She nodded and I slid into heaven.

We gasped at the sensation of truly no barriers. I stilled myself because I almost came from that alone.

"God… this is… amazing," she groaned and shifted her hips around me.

"Fuck, Bella! You're so tight." I began to move with her, under control again.

I rolled my hips, thrusting slowly, making sure I felt everything before giving myself over. My lips kissed every inch of skin I could reach and I committed every moan, whimper, and sigh to memory.

"Harder, please," she said and with that her right leg hitched around me as the other managed to throw itself over my shoulder letting me go so much deeper.

"Holy shit!" I screamed; I couldn't control it, nor did I want to. Our pace picked up and she met me thrust for thrust.

Her tiny nails dug into my back and I prayed they would leave a mark. I was going to need proof that this night actually happened.

"Oh god, Bella, I can't… I'm almost." She only answered me with a moan of my name so I reached down and began rubbing her already sensitive clit.

She bucked wildly as our moves became frantic.

"Cum for me, Bella. Cum, now!"

Her back arched as another string of expletives echoed through the room. Her pussy squeezed down on me so hard that I immediately joined her. I could feel everything. Every contraction of her walls milked more of me as I pulsed inside her.

Our breathing finally slowed as we came down from our post-orgasmic highs. I pulled out and collapsed beside her.

I wove my hands into her hair and caressed her cheek with my thumb. "Bella, I, you are amazing. I can't believe… just thank you."

"Mmm, for what?"

"For sharing that part of yourself with me. For not being creeped out when I told you I'd been in love with you for the last five years. For… for loving me back."

Bella picked her head up from my chest to look me square in the eye. "No more regrets ok? We're here now."

I nodded and kissed the top of her head; the once friendly gesture now filled with a deep love. She sighed and tucked herself into my side.

"Now and always, my Bella. Now and always."

Once post-coital nap later, I was sitting up in my bed waiting for her to come out of the bathroom.

I had the shoebox of pictures in my hand. I wanted to show how much I treasured all the moments we had spent together.

"Whatcha got there?" I looked up to see a still fully naked Bella leaning against the doorframe.

"New rule. When you're in this room, no clothes allowed."

She laughed. "And what happens if I break said rule?"

"Spanking. Lot's of it."

Bella licked her lips. Holy shit… she liked the idea. Could this woman be any more perfect?

She bounced over and curled next to me looking questioningly at the box.

"Um, I just wanted to show you something. Just some pictures I held on to from over the years."

Bella's face lit up as she began digging through the photos.

We looked over all our times together and immersed ourselves in memories that we could now re-tell with what each other was really thinking at the moment.

It was just like the old times. Completely the same but immensely different all at once.

We were laughing particularly hard over a picture of us chicken fighting in a pool when, "You hear that?"

She shrugged.

"I think-"

The door slammed open downstairs.


A/N: Hi and thanks for reading! No plans if this will turn into a multi-chapter venture or not... (tis the beauty of a o/s contest no?) But I would really love to hear what you think!

Big sloppy kisses to my beta Jarkin33. Without her, this would read like shite. And she's an awesome person too.