The Twilight Saga 5: Bella the Buff Chick
(AN: I've never read any of the books. All I've seen of the movies are Twilight and part of New Moon. If there's any inaccuracies, continuity errors, etc., consider that part of the bad sequel experience, like Secret of NIMH 2 also. I'm not really passionate at all about the series, just indifferent I guess.)
Bella sat there in her college litigation course, taking notes on her Magna Doodle toy (she forgot her notebook, plus she wanted to stand out.) Her professor explained to the class, "Pedophilia is a serious offense. It's when an adult over 18 has sex with a person under 18. The offender has to register as a sex offender and after that is not allowed anywhere near children." Bella remembered she was 17 years old when she first fell in love with Edward Cullen, whose real age was three digits, so I guess he severely overqualified.
"MY BOYFRIEND IS A PEDOPHILE! HE SHALL NOT EVER BE NEAR ME AGAIN!" Bella shouted. "I can't believe I had a baby with a pedophile! And he was my boyfriend!" Bella marched out even though class wasn't over yet. She drove herself home and called the police.
"Yeah, I'd like to report a 123 year old pedophile who lives at..." she told them whatever her address was. Edward was living there also with her because they had gotten married. Bella passed the time by playing Sokoban on her iPhone. "Edward, the police are comin' for you." Bella said flatly, making sure he could hear. 11 minutes and 34.411 seconds later, the front yard swarmed with police cars. A strong bodied cop threw his weight against the door, knocking it down, grabbed Edward, and put handcuffs on him.
"Edward Cullen, you're under arrest. You've been charged with pedophilia."
"But I love her," Edward pleaded.
"THAT'S EXACTLY WHY YOU'RE GOIN' TO JAIL, BONE HEAD!" the policeman snapped. Bella sat there, laughing.
"Have fun rotting in prison while I go to the mall, eat fatty foods, go to amusement parks, and other fun stuff that college age girls like," Bella taunted. After the police officers drove off with Edward, Bella gathered all of Edward's possessions and pictures, searching literally every nook and cranny (he had a lot of stuff.) She put the items in a bunch of garbage bags, dragged them to the backyard, poured gasoline all over them, lit a match, and threw it on the mass of garbage bags. She was mesmerized by the tongues of vermilion flame extending from the shriveling and blackening stuff in the bags.
"The heat is making me awfully sweaty," she remarked. She noticed a deluge of sweat coming from her forehead as she walked near the fire, which doused the flames, turning them into a mass of steam thanks to her sweat. "I'd better change clothes. Something a bit more suited for the weather than a long sleeve button up and jeans." She went in her room and came out wearing a violet tank top and neon green shorts.
"Look at you, Bella. You look like someone who's gym ready," her father commented.
"Then that's what I'll do, and I'm gonna get buff so that guys will think I'm unsexy and thus I will be safe from pedos." Her father couldn't comment, but he clearly agreed with her because he was her father, so he had to support her.
Bella drove herself to her local gym. After doing warm-ups and stretches, she decided to start her journey slow by putting a 25 lb plate on each side of the Smith Machine and do some squat exercises. After that she decided to do the "big boy" exercises and did some bench presses, shoulder presses, and rows. When she got on one of the ellipticals, she noticed a long haired buff man wearing only a loincloth doing bicep curls and a slim woman in a bikini on the treadmill. She remembered that this gym's "dress code" was that you can walk in wearing anything as long as you're not showing any parts, if you know what I mean. Including sandals, jeans, dresses, business clothes, and even tuxedos. You could even go in barefoot as long as you're wearing something. She glimpsed two ugly male teenagers with big heads walking in the weight room. One was blond, had a blue Metallica t-shirt, and had a kinda raspy voice, and the other was brown haired and had a black ACDC t-shirt.
"Hey, Beavis, check out this woman on the treadmill. She's in a bikini. She's hot," the brown haired guy said.
"This gym rules. The dress code was reason enough! Butthead, you know what this means? We can finally score!"
"Uh huh huh huh," laughed Butthead.
"E he hehehehe," laughed Beavis.
They laughed like that for several more minutes. Bella wondered how they can possibly laugh like that as long as they did. When she got off the elliptical 25 minutes after she started, Beavis and Butthead went up to her. Their stench was overpowering.
"Uhhh... Do you wanna score?" Butthead asked.
Bella's reply was, "Do you guys ever bathe?"
"Dammit! I gotta score! If I need a perfect body to do that, might as well start now!" Beavis said angrily. Bella went over to the mats and did a long set of crunches on a red yoga ball with the word "meatwad" painted on it. Beavis went over to one of the benches. He did one rep of 40 lbs and tried to do another rep, but he didn't have the energy.
"Butthead, come over here and spot me! NOW!"
"Uh huh huh! I see you, Beavis." Butthead laughed.
"Dammit Butthead, I mean help me lift this huge weight off me!" Beavis demanded. It was also too heavy for Butthead. One of the gym staff members stepped in to his aid.
"Dammit, not a male!" Beavis stated angrily.
A few weeks later, while Bella was on the treadmill, she caught a glimpse of a news story of a group of 7 or 8 people who got killed by getting struck by a bus. She recognized them. They were the other vampires. She was secretly thankful that Edward was too sick to go on that hiking trail.
"That's why I haven't seen them in a while," Bella concluded. She admired the extra inch she had gotten on her bicep. Several months later she was really getting results. She was benching 205 lbs and doing bicep curls with 70 lb dumbbells. While looking in the mirror to watch her form, she noticed how awesome her new body looked. She had huge, bulging biceps and quadriceps, and fully formed eight pack abs. She looked like one of those macho guys who would wear a huge tank top and a tattoo and would look like they could easily kill you if you hit their berserk button. Every guy in the gym was repulsed by her appearance. Every guy except Beavis and Butthead.
"There's a guy with girl hair and boobs over by the mirror," one of them teased. Bella shot them a mean look. He ran away, whimpering like a dog.
Everyday for the next few months, she spent more time being narcissistic in front of the mirror than actually working out. She brought her bikini so she could admire her hard, muscular abs.
"I think it would also be nice if Renesmee had a similarly muscular body that's bully proof." she spoke to herself. Before she walked out of the weight room, she whispered to the mirror, "I'll be back, Fred."
She bought a weight set on eBay so she could train her daughter to be fit.
"Hey, Renesmee, wanna get a perfect body like me?" Renesmee nodded. "Since we gotta live like we're dying soon and you'll be starting school soon, it'll be good to have a body that bullies will be scared of, and so we'll move fairly fast," she put two 20 lb plates on each side of a 20 lb bar. "See if you can lift that." Renesmee bent over, gripped her hands around the bar, and lifted it a couple inches.
"You're doing great," Bella praised.
"OW! I THINK I BROKE MY BACK!" Renesmee yowled in agony. "I'm calling the cops on you, you meanie!" Bella admired her body in the bathroom mirror with a look of concern on her face. Somewhere between a millisecond and a billion years later the cops came.
"Bella, you've been charged with child abuse. You're under arrest," the cop said gruffly. He slapped handcuffs on her and escorted her to the police car and took her to court to be sentenced. Bella was too dazed to pay attention to what was going on in the court case, until the sentencing.
Meanwhile, back at the gym, Beavis drank some Red Bull and felt a huge wave of energy creep inside him.
"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!" Beavis shouted. He ran around aimlessly, toppling machines and causing someone who was doing squats to have the barbell fall on him. The police came and put handcuffs on him.
"That was cool!" exclaimed Butthead.
"He's in favor of this rampage. Get him too!" one of the officers ordered. Butthead also received handcuffs.
Back to the court scene:
"You are hereby sentenced to 6 months in jail. Renesmee will go to a foster home that will NOT try to force him/her to lift weights to get big," the judge said harshly. Bella was escorted by a couple of police officers into a Humvee and taken to the jailhouse. They threw her in a cell that Edward happened to be sitting in. Across the hall she noticed Beavis and Butthead.
"I figured as much you'd be here. What did you two teenagers do?" Bella asked them.
"I am the great Cornholio," Beavis replied.
"Let's just say that Cornholio and weight rooms with non-permanent equipment are not a good mix," Butthead said. "You're so sexy, miss,"
"No, I'll never settle for you, butt munch! I'm in love with the gym mirror, which is named Fred." Bella declared. She was sweating intensely due to anxiety. "I need to start taking Abilify," she commented.
"Are you sparkling?" Edward asked.
"Hmmm. This has happened before. A deluge of sweat cascaded down my forehead and put out a fire about a year ago. This could be another episode of that." So much sweat came from Bella's forehead that it flooded the prison.
"We gotta evacuate all the inmates," she heard one of the security officers order in a frantic tone. Bella and Edward were escorted by two officers out of the flooded premises. Bella did some tai jitsu moves on security guards who attempted to monitor her and made a break for it. They ran around randomly, looking for a place to seek refuge. They realized that the street they were on looked familiar.
"This is where my mortal human school friend Alice lives. She's gotta let us crash at her place!" Bella said excitedly. She went in the front door of Alice's house without knocking, and she was okay with it.
"Are you all right? You look like you were on the run from the police." Alice commented. Bella shook her head.
'Well, right before Jacob went on the hiking trip that killed him, he told me to tell you guys that you would never ever in a million years be able to out-bench him. The guy could bench press 450 lbs. You're puny weaklings. That's just what he said. I'm still your friend." Bella felt insulted. She wanted her sculpted body to have some meaning.
After surfing the internet until 3 a.m. she found out about a bench pressing competition coming up on the first day of summer. It was already spring break. "I've got to start training as soon and quickly as possible!" she decided.
She spent the following moons training everyday for the bench pressing competition. She was steadily improving, increasing her max each week, and taking protein supplements. Finally the big day came. The day she would prove herself in the art of bench pressing. I have trained hard for this moment. Dear Lord, please let me win, cause if I don't win, I turn atheist. She wore her bikinito theevent and she noticed that Edward had also entered. After the stretching and warm-ups, Bella made everyone's jaws drop by benching an amazing 495 lbs. Take that, Jacob, you mofo! Edward was having trouble benching his 390 lb weight. I am a ninja! I beat Edward! Woohoo! Edward's arms were trembling like a guy on a rough wooden roller coaster. Edward was out of energy, so it was up to the spotter.
"I can't believe a girl beat me!" he sobbed. His spotter was so distracted by his public display of emotion, he let go of the bar, which fell on Edward's neck, killing him in an instant. After Bella watched the whole scene unfold, the judges handed her a 1st place trophy.
"You are this year's bench pressing champion. Much more motivated than the lower than negative infinity last place looooooser, who only could put up 100 lbs. GO HOME AND TRAIN FOR THE NEXT MILLENNIUM OR SO, GRANDMA! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, SCOTT BEAST! NOT SO BEAST, ARE YOU!" That judge needs a girlfriend, Bella thought. Bella was excited about Edward's death because now she could be with her mirror boyfriend Fred without being tempted by him. Yay, he's dead! That thought pretty much sums it up.
She went back to the gym, unfastened the huge wall mirror behind the dumbbell rack, and hauled it away in her Humvee. Apparently Humvees were the new vehicular trend. She kissed the mirror and whispered softly to it, "I love you, Fred. We'll be together forever. We're getting married on the morrow."
The next day Bella and the mirror got married. During the wedding, she felt a pang of worry for Renesmee. She'd get too freaked out by a giant mirror posing as her daddy. I'll appoint someone else to take custody of her.
"Do you, Bella Cullen, take this gym mirror as your lawfully wedded husband?" the priest recited the ritual words.
"I do," Bella replied.
"And since mirrors can't talk, it has no say, so by the powers vested in me, I pronounce the mirror and you husband and wife. You may kiss." She took the mirror to Busch Gardens for their honeymoon. She and the mirror rode all the roller coasters together. After their honeymoon, they settled at her place and had 3 male kids made of reflective mirror glass. They were named Pea, Catch, and Hoo.
She remembered her pang of worry about Renesmee, so she grabbed Renesmee out of the foster home, put a blindfold on her to avoid sensory overload, and took her into her new home. Renesmee screamed in horror. Her new caregivers were Beavis and Butthead.