"Alfred please, it's not that big of a deal."

"What do ya mean it's not that big of a deal? It is so a big deal! It's embarrassing!"

The president rolled his eyes. "It can't be that bad."

America scoffed, crossing his arms as he leaned over his boss's desk. "Are you kidding me? It's humiliating! All the other guys have been making fun of me for almost 100 years now and it's starting to get really old." He pouted, standing back up and pushing his glasses up on his nose.

The president raised an eyebrow curiously at his nation. "What do you expect me to do about it?"

"Change it?" America shrugged. "You're the President, you can do that sort of thing, can't you?"

"No."

"Can you tryyyy?"

"Alfred," the President sighed, rubbing his temples. Why did that boy always come to him with these ridiculous propositions when he was at his busiest? He had more then enough to worry about without Alfred being…well…Alfred. "It's just a song."

America set his lips in a stern line, his eyes narrowing at the amused look his boss was giving him. "Sir, with all due respect, are you a female?"

"Excuse me?"

He shrugged, far to calmly for such a question, if the president had anything to say about it. "A female. A girl. A woman. Una chica. Do you have two X-chromosomes? A vagina? Did you get your period at age thirteen and hit menopause at forty-seven? How about-"

"I get it, I get it!" The President cried, waving his hands. "Jeez. No Alfred, I am not a woman."

America nodded. "Well neither am I. And I don't appreciate being called one."

The President sighed. "You were around when Irving Berlin was writing the damn song, why didn't you just correct him?"

"Honestly sir, when someone writes a song about God blessing you, the last thing you do is question them."

"I suppose that makes sense…"

America sighed, blowing a gust of air into his bangs. "Can't you just, I dunno, pull some strings? Pull some 1984 shit and erase that line from ever existing?"

"Alfred."

"Pleeeease?"

"Alfred."

America puffed his cheeks in annoyance. "Fine. If you wont help me, I'll do it myself." He strode to the door and placed his hands on the doorknob to let himself out. Turning once more, he faced the President with a determined gleam in his eyes. "Just you wait sir, God Bless America is going to be so manly, it'll make Chuck Norris cry!"

Blinking once in astonishment as the door slammed shut, the president sighed deeply and returned to his work.

"Something tells me I'm going to regret this in the morning."


Knock-knock

"Sir?"

"Come in."

The Oval Office door creaked open, reveling a bookish looking man the president recognized as Tom holding a small laptop in his hands. The president sighed; he was waiting for this.

"Sir," the man said again, slipping through the crack and shuffling up to the large wooden desk. "I'm afraid we have a situation. Somehow in the course of last night-"

"The lyrics to God bless America were mysteriously changed in every copy on record?"

Tom blinked. "Um, yeah. How did you-?"

The President held out his hand. Despite the apparent impossibility of the current circumstances, he was not surprised in the least; Alfred was capable of some bizarre things. "Just let me hear it."

Mechanically, Tom handed over his laptop, where various Internet tabs were opened reveling videos, lyrics, MP3 downloads and various other sources all featuring Alfred's new version of his song.

Taking a deep breath, the president clicked the play button on a YouTube video.

"AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

COMEIN' AGAIN TO SAVE THE MUTHERFUCKIN' DAY, YEAH!

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

FREEDOM IS THE ONLY WAY, YEAH!"

The President immediately hit pause.

He even got Kate Smith to sing it.

She'd been dead since 1986.

Wow.

Tom bit his lip, wringing his hands together as he tried to gage the other man's reaction. "Well sir, what do you think?"

The president clicked through each tab, all reveling the same…interesting lyrics. He sighed.

"I think you should get Alfred in here so I can kill him…and burn his copy of 1984."


God bless America,

Land that I love,

Stand beside her, and guide her

Thru the night with a light from above;

From the mountains, to the prairies,

To the oceans white with foam,

God bless America,

My home, sweet home.

God bless America,

My home, sweet home.


So I know I promised myself I wouldn't write anything until I finished Thanks for the Pranks, buuuut I was watching the Stanley Cup finals last night (GO BLACKHAWKS WOOO! Yeah, I'm from Chicago, I was pumped!), and was inspired by the singing of God Bless America, so I just wrote up this little thing before it festered in my brain. :)

I am also reading 1984 right now, if you couldn't tell. It's really good! I'm really liking it! For those of you who haven't read it, the main character's job is to edit official texts in order to change history to what the government is currently pushing people to support. So yeah, that's where that all comes from. XD

You know, sometimes I feel bad for the nameless, faceless president I keep torturing in my fics. (I like to keep the President subjective, so you can picture whoever you want, and the story stays pretty timeless. :P) Maybe I should start a series. The America Drags The President Closer to Insanity series. Yes. XD Hope you enjoyed!