Left 4 Dead 2: The Musical

A/N: Okay, you heard me right. Everybody's wondered at some point what Left 4 Dead would be like including some sparkling musical numbers... oh, okay, it was just me. Well, I shall wait no longer!

Prepare to read the entire tale of Left 4 Dead 2, from start to end, the Passing and all, including canon pairings, inside-joke memes, often-altered songs and a ton more. Speaking is in normal font and singing is in italics. Enjoy. ;)


(The stage is dark. The rattle of gunfire suddenly pierces the silence, followed by the slowly fading in groans of the infected. The lights come up as a newly acquainted NICK and ROCHELLE dash into the foreground of the HOTEL, blasting at various zombies that edge in every few seconds)

ROCHELLE:

Hey, suit guy, behind you!

(She shoots a SPITTER which promptly topples backwards, dead as a doornail. NICK appears irked at having been saved by her)

NICK:

Thanks, I guess. You doing okay?

ROCHELLE:

As okay as I can be. What about you, how are you feeling?

NICK:

Disappointed.

ROCHELLE:

Yeah, me t- wait, what? Why?

(NICK scowls, slamming an infected with his frying pan)

ROCHELLE:

C'mon, you can say it.

NICK:

I hate singing... (his scowl deepens before he addresses ROCHELLE in song) This time three weeks ago, I thought I would be...

ROCHELLE:

What?

NICK:

Seen pickin' up hookers, on CCTV... But now I'm here next to you, and as you can see, I'm not.

ROCHELLE:

Nope...

NICK:

Oh well! It sucks to be me.

ROCHELLE:

Yup!

NICK:

It sucks to be me...

ROCHELLE:

Uh-huh!

NICK (as an uninjured COACH and ELLIS enter from stage right and stage left):

It sucks to be killin' zombies with these hicks and turning thirty six! It sucks to be me.

ROCHELLE (blasts away another zombie before folding her arms):

Oh? You think YOUR life sucks?

NICK:

I think so, yes.

ROCHELLE (places her hands on her hips):

You've got nothing on me. I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.

ELLIS (chiming in):

You are!

ROCHELLE:

Thanks sweetie. And I kissed ass in that job, right from the start. All I wanted was a raise; it held a place in my heart! So why... didn't I get a promotion... Fuck! It sucks to be me.

NICK:

You and me both, loud girl.

ROCHELLE:

It sucks to be me...

NICK:

It sucks to be me. It sucks to be Nick-

ROCHELLE:

And Rochelle-

NICK:

To not get some action!

ROCHELLE:

To not get my dream!

BOTH:

It sucks to be me.

ROCHELLE:

Hold up. Just hold up. Coach, Ellis, wanna settle something for us? (They lean in) Who's life sucks more? Nick's or mine?

(A long pause as the two think. ELLIS fiddles with the brim of his cap before leaning into to whisper in COACH'S ear. They converse quickly before seeming to reach a decision)

COACH (shrugging):

All of ours. It sucks to be me!

ELLIS:

It sucks to be me!

NICK:

It sucks to be me!

ROCHELLE:

It sucks to be me!

ALL: Is there ANYBODY here it doesn't suck to be? It sucks to be me!

(There's a sudden wail as a WITCH comes storming in. The SURVIVORS go rigid and point their weapons at her, surrounding her in a semi circle, but she merely stands centre stage and begins to attempt to speak through her cries)

WITCH:

Why (sob) are you all being so (sob) LOUD?

ELLIS:

Well I'll be! It's a Witch!

WITCH:

Yes I am! I'm a special infected; (sob) I could kill you in two strokes. I've smashed some egg heads today, not to mention stomping on the yolks! (sob) Now I'm a weeper and butt of all the PMS jokes- (sob) but I... (sob) I can't help it... (sob) I'm feelin' so blue.

SURVIVORS:

It sucks to be you.

NICK:

Well I feel kinda better now!

COACH:

Hey, me too!

(They glance around at the wreck of Savannah and seem to think again)

ROCHELLE:

... but what should we do?

ELLIS (still not quite caught up, points at the WITCH):

It sucks to be you!

ALL:

It sucks to be you...

But what do we do?

Sucks to be me...

What has this come to?

It sucks to be you...

So what do we do?

It sure sucks to be us...

But if we stick together, stay together- we might make it through!

And that's what we'll do!

We'll find rescue too!

'Til that dream comes true...

That's what we'll do!

(The song ends with a loud note and the WITCH gives a sudden deadly shriek before leaping in ELLIS'S direction. All four SURVIVORS gun her down in an instant)

NICK:

Boom, baby! YEAH. Headshot!

(BLACKOUT)


A/N: And that's what I give you for now folks... just a small taster. This is based on and goes to the tune of Avenue Q's ' It Sucks to Be Me', which I DO NOT OWN... Most of the lyrics are influenced from it and follow the rhyming scheme, although I left out one or two sections of the original. All the same, try to listen to the song and get a sense for the tune and lyrics, or just enjoy this opening chapter of this little musical on its own. Opinions and reviews are always appreciated, and I'll happily answer any questions people may have. (: I'll update as soon as I can. I don't own Left 4 Dead 2.