Disclaimer: I have nothing to do with twilight, other than writing fanfiction. Huh, that doesn't sound pathetic, does it?
Mouse555 and I originally decided to do this as part of the Texts From Last Night Contest, but due to real life constraints, we failed massively at that.
So, we decided to put this out there as a proper story collab. Woo! Go Us!
Also, if you check out her work, and tell her I sent you, you might get cookies: Check out Enough Is Enough – it's Pretty good.
Bella Swan POV
I narrowed my eyes at the puppy sitting on the bed.
"Stop." I tried to command, in the strongest, hardest voice I could muster, but he simply ignored me and kept on chewing on the covers. The fucking beast had been doing it for more than two weeks – ever since Alice had brought him over with a big smile on her face and wide, happy eyes, looking at me with the same look that Jake was currently giving me.
"He'll make you feel safer," She chimed, "Look at him, no rapist's going to look at you twice if you have a beast like him in your house!" He was approximately the size of a kitten. As soon as I had pointed that out, she had cleared her throat in embarrassment before growling, "He'll grow."
"Hmm." I didn't believe her at the time, but now I was looking at a behemoth of epic proportions, with a fluffy, cute, fuzzy tail. Fuck, I hate my life. "Okay, let's try this one..." I raised my hand and clicked my fingers, earning a glance from the puppy and a sharp pain in my finger from having slashed it with my thumbnail. Fuck, that hurts. "Jake, heel."
He grunted at me. Actually fucking grunted. He then jumped off the bed and disappeared into the hallway. It was at that stage I began to hate Alice Cullen and her dog-dealing ways, and I hadn't even thought about walking him today. It was just going to be one of those nights, wasn't it? With a loud harrumph, I crossed my arms over myself and sighed as he resumed his position as chief duvet chewer, hoping I could get his lead on him, and be back before six, because I had a job, and I couldn't afford to be late again.
"I am going to kill Alice," I hissed as I pulled the beast from my bed with my bare hands and offered him "Walkies!" in my cheeriest voice. Within half a nanosecond, he was standing alert and at attention at the door, and I shook my head furiously, both at the ridiculous situation, and the embarrassing feeling alwaysI got when I was sticking this lead on this cross-breed wolf-bastard of a mutt. And he had a fluffy, fuzzy tail.
Eventually managing to clip the lead on and the dog yanked me out of the door; I walked the short trip to the dog park and unleashed him on the unsuspecting public. It was hellish and horrible, and I just really did not want to be going through this for the next fifteen years, or until such time that he decided arthritis and incontinence was the best path to follow. I knew how bad it was; I had a nineteen year old cat, once. And you only have that sort of thing the once.
I watched as he streaked off into the distance, following him, lazily throwing a stick that was longer than my right leg for him to fetch. I was suddenly blindsided by another wretched ball of fur. It thundered toward me, smashed me in the side and sent me careering into the ground, my face pressed into the mud and dirt as the Border Collie proceeded to sniff and lick the back of my neck in a sorry attempt to rouse me.
Funny thing, though – Jake, the useless monster, was nowhere to be seen. I rolled onto my back after shoving the anonymous dog away, and came face to face with possibly the most beautiful man I had ever seen. He was holding his hand out to me, and I was stuck frozen in place, staring up at the man whose dog I think may have just attempted to give me a head, neck and shoulder massage.
"I'm sorry!" He was saying, "Really! It was an accident! Bloody Alice," Shaking his head, he whistled at the dog which was still sniffing at me, "It'll help you meet 'female' people! I'll kill her." He stopped and looked at it as it came and sat patiently by his feet, then glanced back up at me, concerned, "Are you okay? I'm Edward," A pause, "Edward Cullen, and I didn't mean for Renesmee to..."
Cullen? Edward Cullen? What the hel-
"Swan, Bella Swan." I took his still-outstretched hand and cringed as he grunted with the effort it took to pull me to my feet. "Sorry!" I winced in sympathy, "I'm sure I'm not the lightest thing in the world."
"You're tiny." A pause, "It's fine." Another pause, "I mean, I..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry, uh, Bella."
"That's fine, Cullen." I nodded, more than embarrassed and a little more than turned on by the muscles I could see flexing in his hands and arms as he rubbed his hand up and down my arm lightly. "I'll see you around?"
"Yeah," He nodded straight back at me, "Maybe."
As I whistled for Jake and hoped he would return to me, I walked away from Edward and found my head spinning as my mutt stumbled along behind me, probably glaring at me for all I was worth.
"Howre yu getting on w/Jake?" I picked up my phone and sighed dramatically as I saw the message from Alice blinking wildly on my screen
"I'm getting used to him... but I'm not so sure."
"It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants." And I meant it. There were stains on my best work trousers, and god knows what else hanging around in my slippers. I had discovered Jake was a very dirty dog. And that he needed to be neutered, castrated and all around... de-Jaked. Because eurgh.
"LOOL! He licks your knickers?" I cringed as I read that out loud to myself. I hadn't realised how pathetic that actually sounded, but yes, indeed, the dog had been closer to going down on me than any other male had in recent times.
"That's not Fucking Funny, Ali."
"Ur Mom." She retorted ever so eloquently, as usual. I shook my head, groaning as I heard the pounding of claws and feet on my hardwood floor, out of nowhere my big lug of a dog sprinted straight at me, his tail slamming into the door and straight into the back of my legs.
"And now he's trying to blow out my knees." I couldn't resist passing it on to Alice, and could actually imagine the explosion of laughter that would follow her opening my text, showing it to Jasper and then his laughter meaning that anyone within a five mile radius would feel curious as to the source.
I was going to be a laughing stock, or an internet meme (don't understand that bit!) before the evening was out. Fuck my life.
"Actual LOL – yu sound just like Edward!"
"Heh? Wha yu mean?"
"You know! Cousin Eddie? No... maybe you don't." I could also imagine Alice's internal monologue in the moments before she sent that text. It was hilarious, and that set me off, giggling for the better part of five minutes. "Yu'd like cousin Eddie."
"Hmm. I'm sure." Because it was just like Alice to try setting me up with a guy I hardly knew.
I threw my phone down on the sideboard and stretched up, tiptoeing to attempt to reach the ceiling. Even though I knew I had no hope in hell of actually succeeding, there was always the moment of sheer happiness when I imagined my fingers would stretch up a little bit further than they had done the day before.
That is until I was tackled with twenty kilos of dog, front paws thrown up to my shoulders and tongue lapping at my face as I fell backwards and curled up on the floor under his weight.
"Jake! Jake Down! Down! Down!" I tried to stop myself from laughing. It took about three minutes, but he finally calmed enough to back off and let me scramble to my feet, utter embarrassment kicked in.
After my mortification and bright pink cheeks had subsided, I turned to my phone and noted it was still vibrating wildly with another text from Alice.
"I'm giving him your number."
"No! Alice! No!" I was shaking my head violently and yelling into my kitchen as I replied to her message, threatening to bang my head against the cupboards if she passed on my details to anyone and hoping I had stopped her in time. My phone vibrated yet again, damning those hopes completely to hell.
"Too Late. Enjoy! Xxx"
Fuck. Fuck my life. I swear, with friends like Alice, I definitely DID NOT need enemies!
Edward Cullen POV
Alice. Alice was the bane of my life. She interfered with every single element of my life – from the introduction of the dog who now ruled my every waking second – from when I got up, when I went to bed, and when I had to get pissed off because she was sniffing around anything and everything that we walked past in the mornings.
"Back off, Alice," I managed, as I glanced up from the sofa and saw her evil, tiny elfin form standing quietly in the doorway. "I've told you before..." I looked away before she could open her mouth and say anything else, but was stunned when, five minutes later, I risked a glance around at the doorway, and she was still standing there, in exactly the same position, essentially vibrating as her hands found the doorframe and she pulled herself through it like a hyperactive child.
"I know," She trilled, "I know, I know, cousin dearest," Her tone was almost sickly sweet and I wondered exactly what she was planning. Damn woman.
"Then why are you standing there? Can't I just nap on your sofa for one night?" – While Rosalie was picking up all her clothes and getting the hell out of my house. She shook her head, smirking brightly and looking me up and down. "Really, Alice? What are you doing to me?"
"Trying to kill you, or get you married, whichever comes first." She brandished a phone at me and I looked down at it, frowning at the small picture on the display. It was a very pretty brunette girl, with big brown eyes and –
"Bella?" I looked up at her and quirked my eyebrow, "How do you know Bella?"
"Duh!" Alice grinned, "We've been friends since high school!" A pause, "And I gave her the puppy she's got there!" She pointed violently at the picture again and I had to shrink away, just because she was scaring me now. "How do you know who Bella is?" She asked me suddenly. I explained about our 'meeting' in the park. Then waited as Aclice was uncharacteristically silent.
"And?" I prompted.
"And, silly," she looked at me as though I was a little boy caught with my hand in the cookie jar, "You're going to take her out to dinner." I immediately blanched. This was the girl who had practically snubbed me when my dog had taken her legs out from under her then sat on her chest. This was the girl whose eyes were bright and dull at the same time, making me wonder whether I had done something wrong even before I had started to speak.
This... this was the girl who had pulled away from me when I had pulled her up onto her feet because I had simply touched her hand.
"No. No, I'm not." I closed my eyes in exasperation. Not again.
"Eddieeeee!" Alice whined. When she did that, it was ridiculous. She wouldn't stop, wouldn't take a breath and wouldn't even blink until you had given in and acquiesced to her request. "Puh-lease?" and I cringed, because if I opened my eyes and looked at her, she would be giving me the biggest puppy-dog pout I had ever experienced – and that was including the pouts you would see from her actual puppies – as the close cousin of Alice, a dog breeder by exuberance and addiction, I had seen more than my fair share of her puppies. I cringed again as I realised exactly what I had said.
No! No, not like that, Edward, you fucking sexpervert.
"Fine." I grunted, not looking her in the eye. "Give me her number, and I'll see what I can do." I hoped it would placate her to the point that I could get away with not calling her, because right now, I wasn't interested in any of Alice's high-and-mighty friends, even if I wanted her. Even if I hadn't been able to think about anything but her in the past three weeks because she was made of all-encompassing beauty.
"No, Edward," Alice said sternly, "You will not. You will call her now, while I can see you, and you will harangue her until she says yes. She is sad and lonely," She paused and smirked, "Just like you," I rolled my eyes and shook my head, opening my mouth to argue. Alice immediately cut me off, holding her hand up and passing me the cell phone.
"Thanks." Sarcasm really doesn't suit me. I pulled up the contacts and found Bella Barbie quickly. "Barbie, Alice? Really?"
"She lets me do her hair," She paused and frowned, "Sometimes..."
"Yeah," I nodded, before pushing the proverbial green button and waiting for it to dial.
"Put it on speaker," Alice bounced onto the sofa and sat beside me. She was nearly vibrating with joy beside me, I cringed away as I reluctantly pushed the speaker button.
"What the fuck, Alice?" Her voice made me smile, even though it was probably because she was chewing my cousin out, rather than anything particularly sexy. "Seriously! You call me twice in an hour?"
"This isn't Alice," I managed to say, my lips quivering with laughter. "It's Edward, Alice's cousin. You might know me as Cousin Eddie?"
"You sound like Troy McClure!" She laughed.
"Who?" Alice's grin was threatening to split her face in half.
"The guy from the Simpsons, you know – 'Hi, I'm Troy McClure, You might know me from such films as Muppets Go Medieval...' No?" My silence must have disheartened her greatly, because she sighed. "Oh. Sorry, Edward..."
EPOV – Date Night
There was a hell of a lot of noise coming from inside before I had even knocked at the door to her house. Hmm, I considered the fact that she actually had a house rather than a flat, which you know, was always a bonus. I warily raised my hand to knock on the heavy oak door which seemed so out of place for a townhouse such as hers.
"Hang on! I'll be with you in a minute!" Her voice called as my three rhythmic knocks sounded hollow against the wood. Only moments later, and I was confronted with the fabled Bella as she pulled open the door with a considerable amount of force, stopping stunned and flushing a bright, gorgeous red as she saw me standing awkwardly in the doorway.
"Hi!" I managed brightly, before she attempted to shut the huge door in my face. I managed to press my hand to the door just in time, and by just in time, I mean before the heavy brass knocker hit me square in the nose.
"Sorry! I look awful!" She said by way of explanation, as soon as I had pressed the door open a little way further. "I... er..." She shrugged, "You can see the state I'm in."
I couldn't disagree more. Her hair was dishevelled, yes, with wisps of it flickered everywhere, and I think she may have been in her pyjamas, but I had to say, she couldn't have looked sexier. When I voiced my disagreement, she looked up at me, and froze almost immediately, looking me up and down until her dull-brown eyes locked with mine.
"You're Alice's cousin, Edward? Your dog tried to snuffle me to death." She said, stunned, Alice obviously hadn't told her about our meeting in the park. She flushed an even brighter red as she tried to look anywhere but at my face. She tried the floor, my crotch (for love of all that is holy, please don't look there!), and the cupboard on the wall next to the door, before she finally relented and looked back into my face. The thundering of paws and claws pressing against the closed door to the living room drew my attention, and broke our awkward silence remarkably quickly. "Ah, shit!" She looked over at me, her brow furrowed.
"What is it?" I wondered if she had trapped a cat. Then I remembered the dog. "Do you want to let him out?"
"Are you sure? I mean, you're all dressed up gorgeously-" She flushed at the admission and again looked in any direction but at me. "And I wouldn't want you to get dog hair all over you before this... date?" She asked the last word as a question and I wondered whether she wasn't as into this as Alice had made it sound – whether, in fact, she had simply agreed to this meeting in order to keep Alice happy, quiet and out of her love life. Exactly how I had felt, until she had opened the door.
"Well," I leaned forward and put my hand against the cupboard door, "It won't be much of a date unless we actually go anywhere, will it?"
"That's true," She said, and I could have sworn she didn't realise the way her arse shook in those pyjama shorts, because as she turned away and headed toward the scratchy-door, I couldn't take my eyes off the length of her legs and the way she was sashaying.
Dear god, I just used the word sashay. And knew what it meant.
"Are you ready for it?" She said, and I swear I groaned, because damn, her voice was just so soft and unggh, that I could have grabbed her around the waist, thrown her over my shoulder and me-Edward-you-Bella'd her all the way back to my fucking cave.
As it was, I just about managed a groan and a nod.
"Okay," she watched me for a moment, then let out a giggle and pushed the door open. I was immediately tackled by a giant Border Collie who launched his hyperactive self straight at me, nearly flooring my and sticking his head straight up my backside.
"Down!" I attempted to command him but genuinely getting nowhere, his tail wagging violently and beating out a fast tempo against the wall. He continued to run around me. I looked over at Bella for help.
"Go into the kitchen, he'll follow you and head outside," She said, "I'm just going to change." She stopped and looked at me with one hand on the banister, her foot in midair, her smile almost begging me to follow her up the stairs.
"O-okay," I managed to blurt out, before crossing the threshold of her house and leaning down to kiss her lightly on the cheek as she stood stock still on the stairs, looking up at me and watching me warily as her hands dawdled on the banister. "Don't be long," I whispered, and I swallowed loudly as she bit her bottom lip and blushed bright red.
The dog did indeed head out into the garden. I stood in the doorway and watched as he ran around at almost tops speed with a deflated football in his mouth. The animal was absolutely mental! He dropped the ball at my feet and looked up at me expectantly. I picked the slightly soggy ball up and threw it as hard as I could. I watched him tear along the huge garden in pursuit as I looked for something to wipe my hand on. I located some kitchen roll and was now looking for the bin when Bella entered the kitchen. WOW!
"You…look…wow." Great use of your extensive vocabulary Twatward!
"Thanks. I just need to lock up and then we can go." She moved round the kitchen confidently in the sexiest high heels I had ever seen. He slender legs seemed to go on all the way up to her armpits. She summoned the dog inside, filled his food and water bowls and locked the back door. I followed her into the hallway and she also closed the door to the kitchen, preventing muddy paw prints on her ridiculously cream sofa.
We headed out to my car, finally on a date.
A/N: Hello! Review? Thank you, goodnight!