A/N: This is in no way to be taken seriously, written purely from a crazy dream I had! Will contain: Stupidity, Ron-Bashing, Ron being incredibly and repeatedly stupid, a hormonal Hermione, a raging Ginny, slight Ginny bashing, Dumbledore bashing, extreme silliness, a very sarcastic Harry and finally OOCness. This starts off fairly seriously, and there is an underlying story line, but it's mostly a parody, so please, enjoy!
Disclaimer; If Voldemort, Severus and Remus are dead, then I don't own Harry Potter or anything to do with the books, or films. However, I do own my writing, so translating it, or copying it without my written consent/permission, is not only unfair, but against the law.
About translating my story, and people have asked, the answer is going to be no. I do not feel comfortable with someone else having my story on their page, or a completely different website, it's nothing personal against you, or anybody else, I just simply don't wish to have the story translated. If I wanted to translate it, I could do it myself, or have a family member assist me.
One last thing: If you don't like the story, don't review and just move on. Constructive criticism is always good, don't just point out a flaw, please, tell me what you think I should do to improve it. This is supposed to be just a laugh, so please don't tell me things like "(Insert character name here) would never do that!" or "(Insert plot moment here) happened too quickly."
Update: 28/6/10, someone has just left a review saying there should be a slash warning. I didn't think I needed one but here we go just in case: This contains slash. Happy now?
Update: 29/9/10, sorry for yet another additional, but I think it's worth pointing out that I still write for this particular timeline, and one day might post more on it, so unfortunately, I won't let anybody continue the story for me, so please don't be upset if you message me asking to do that, and I say no. I'd like to let you, but it's just not possible.
After that rather long A/N, please enjoy the story, and leave me a review telling me what you think!
Harry, Hermione, Ron and Ginny were all nervously waiting at the main gates to Hogwarts. They were dressed in their best clothes, incase they were caught. If they were caught, they could simply lie about where they were going. Of course, it was expected for some seventh years to attempt to sneak out, especially if they were Harry Potter and received countless invitations to silly parties.
Harry was wearing his finest dress robe, Hermione, a very fitting black dress that showed off her features perfectly. Ron was wearing tatty old dress robes, much like the ones he wore at the Yule Ball, and finally Ginny was wearing, if Harry was honest, a red, slutty dress that was screaming "Prostitute!"
"Ron, that is the stupidest plan I think you've ever come up with!" Hermione shrieked.
"Well, you think of something better then!" Ron yelled back.
"I will," She huffed and turned her back on Ron to face Harry. "Harry, are you sure this is a good idea? We should tell Professor Dumbledore…" She said gently.
"No, he'll try and stop us, there's no way I'm letting this go." He said defiantly and turned to Ginny. "Ginny, I think you should stay at the castle," He said softly.
"What?" She exclaimed and Harry sighed. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Ginny, we're going to Riddle Manor, Lord VOLDEMORT'S base of operations, it's not safe!" He argued, and Ginny huffed.
"And it's safe for you?" She retorted and left Harry stumped. How could he answer that?
"No…" He quietly admitted. "But I need to do this."
"We can't just go blundering in there without a good plan," Hermione stated, shooting a dirty look at Ron. "I think we should go back to the castle," She started and Harry's mouth opened to protest.
"Not like that! I think one of us should go back to the castle, with your cloak, and steal Professor Snape's special potion supply he keeps in his office." She said finally, and every jaw dropped.
"Hermione, I can't believe you just said that!" Ron said unbelievingly. "Stealing from a teacher?"
"Where's Hermione Granger and what have you done with her?" Ginny joked.
"This isn't the time for silly jokes!" Hermione huffed. "Are we doing this or not?"
The group was silent for a moment, before Harry finally had the courage to speak up. "Ok, who's going then?"
"I'll go." Everyone said at once, and promptly began arguing again.
"Ron you're too clumsy!" Hermione said despairingly.
"Ginny you're my sister!" Ron shouted.
"Hermione, you'd lose your nerve." Ginny argued, and when she said this, everyone stopped.
"I'd… lose my nerve?" Hermione asked lowly, and Harry knew this was trouble. Instinctively, both he and Ron took a generous step back.
"I didn't mean it like that!" Ginny quickly said, eyes flinging to her brother and her friend for support, she found none.
"Yes you did," Hermione said accusingly. "You think I wouldn't be able to go through with it!"
Ginny looked around helplessly and Harry finally decided to step in. "This arguing isn't getting us any closer to Voldemort! Hermione, you go." Hermione smirked as Harry handed her his cloak. "Be careful, and we'll wait here for you." He said and patted her patronizingly on the back.
She gave him a look that said 'If anyone needs to be patronized it's you.' and she quickly disappeared under the cloak, and began to head towards the castle.
"Right," Harry said, trying to sound braver than he was feeling. "We need a plan, and we need it now." Both Ron and Ginny nodded to him.
"Ron, you're banned from making the plan." Harry said simply and Ron went bright red.
"Why?" He whined.
"Because, you make the stupidest plans, like Hermione said! I mean what was the last one? You suggested hiding in a box and getting us delivered to the manor… by MUGGLE post!" He said incredulously and Ron had the good grace to look sheepish.
"I regret ever telling you about muggle post." Harry muttered. "You're utterly obsessed with it, worse than your Dad!"
"I am not obsessed with it." Ron said, sounding hurt.
"You are. Now come on, we need to focus. We can't just go walking up to the front doors, that'll look idiotic, and there'll be wards and guards and… just not a good idea. So we need to come up with something sneaky." Harry said thoughtfully and then sighed. "Where's a Slytherin when you need one?"
For once, they all agreed.
Hermione was slowly making her way through the dungeons, avoiding the last of the Slytherins that were dodging their curfew. Her objective was simple, get into Snape's office, and steal his private potion supply. There's bound to be a load of useful potions in there.
This was so unlike her. Stealing from a teacher? She shook her head lightly. Their goal was more important. Harry's vision was more important. He'd seen exactly where Voldemort was hiding; Riddle Manor. So he'd woken both her and Ron, and told them exactly where he was going.
She stifled a giggle as she remembered them insisting they were coming with him, even going so far as to threaten they'd tie themselves to him to do so. Ginny had woken up with the arguing, and had also insisted on coming. The four of them couldn't fit under the invisibility cloak, so they had to find another way. Besides, Hermione had a feeling someone was powerful as Voldemort would have a way of seeing through it anyway.
Finally, she reached her destination, and saw the door was open a crack. She carefully peaked through, and saw Professor Snape at his desk, writing.
'Crap, crap, crap, crap!' She exclaimed in her head. She took a deep breath, and started to formulate a plan. What could get Snape to leave his office?
Pulling away from the door, she spied two passing girls, Pansy Parkinson, and one she didn't know. Suppressing an evil smirk, she snuck up behind Pansy, and tripped her up.
Pansy fell flat on her arse, and the girl she was with started laughing and pointing at her.
Pansy got up and went right up to the other girl. "You did that!" She screamed, and proceeded to slap her new enemy. Hermione stepped back and began to snigger at the fight that would surely ensue.
Just before she left to find a way to alert Professor Snape, two Slytherin boys came onto the corridor. Naturally, they got very excited and rushed over to watch. Pansy slapped the other girl again, and started clawing at her face. Before Hermione could blink, one of the boys held his wand to his throat and practically shouted "Sonorous!"
Hermione knew what was coming next, and now thanks to his spell, so would the whole school. "BITCH FIGHT!"
She quickly rushed off back to Snape's office, nearly bumping into the furious Professor on his way out. She managed to avoid him, and she deftly slipped into his office. Pulling out a satchel, she made her way over to where he kept his private stores.
She'd been here before, of course, but never actually taken the potions. She opened the cupboard, and reached out, before jerking back her hand. Of course, they'd be some kind of wards or defenses. "Deprehensio Munimentum." She muttered, and some complex wards revealed themselves. Well, complex to anyone who wasn't Hermione.
She smiled, and began to take them down enough to allow her to grab the protected potions. If she had started the fight between members of any other house, she would have heard their head of house screaming, shouting at them. However, she knew, that when Snape was truly, properly angry, he didn't shout. He instead spoke very lowly. So she wasn't concerned when she heard nothing.
Finally, the wards were down. She heard footsteps coming back, so she quickly scooped every single potion into the magical satchel, and shut the cupboard door. Just in time, as it happens, as Snape stormed into the office with a face of thunder, slamming the door behind him a few moments later.
'Ok keep calm.' Hermione repeated over and over again in her head. She could hear Snape muttering under his breath. So what could she do now? If she made him angry enough, maybe he'd leave? That wasn't a perfect plan, Severus Snape, even if Harry is extremely reluctant to admit, is a very powerful wizard, he could very well see through it. But she had to try something.
She looked around desperately, trying to think of a spell that would help her. She pointed her wand at Snape and blurted out the first spell that came into her head. "Sateus auctus!" Hair growth spell.
She didn't look back as she bolted towards the door, confident her spell will have covered his face, she quickly opened it and slammed it shut again. If she'd looked back, she would have seen a very hairy Severus Snape, staring intently as his door opened and closed on his own.
She tried to quickly make it through the corridor back up to the entrance hall, but it was now filled with students eager to see a fight, despite being shooed away by multiple Professors. She cursed the boy who had announced the fight as she pushed her way through the crowded corridor, getting jostled along the way.
When she was finally on the long, winding path down the main gate, she had a very apprehensive feeling. Was it just because of where they were going? She had to assume that, although she couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched. Clasping the cloak around her more firmly, she turned rapidly on the spot. But there was nobody there.
Feeling slightly better, she hurried down the path and could already hear her friends.
"-And that's why I banned you from making the plan! That one was worse than last time! I doubt Voldemort likes Quidditch much as you do." She heard Harry yell and she couldn't help but smile.
"Ginny back me up!" Ron whined and Hermione got closer.
"Harry's right, Ron." Ginny tried to say gently.
"You're only saying that because you bloody fancy him." Ron muttered and Ginny went red.
"Still no further with the plan then?" Hermione said, revealing herself and taking off the cloak.
"You should hear some of the things Ron's come up with," Harry muttered, taking the cloak from Hermione. "Did you have any trouble?" He asked.
"Well, Snape was in his office, so I started a fight." She said blushing.
"You started a fight?" Ron asked incredulously.
"I tripped over Pansy Parkinson, so really, she started it with this other girl she was walking with, she thought she did it," Hermione looked satisfied with herself. "Then some boy came along, cast Sonorous on himself and screamed Bitch fight!"
This made them all laugh, until Harry was brought back down to earth. "But you got the stuff yeah?"
"I grabbed every single one of those potions, but I sort of placed," She trailed off when she realized what she'd done.
"What?" They all asked at once and Hermione blushed. "I kind of, put a hair growth charm on Professor Snape," She muttered and Ron barked out a laugh.
"Brilliant. That'll teach him, he never did believe his precious Slytherins would do that in fifth year!" Ron said excitedly.
"I knew it." A dark voice rang out from behind them, making the group jump. "Finite Incantatem!" The voice said, canceling the disillusionment charm, and revealing himself as Severus Snape.
"Oh no…" Both Harry and Ron groaned, and Hermione took the Gryffindor approach and looked guilty.
"Oh no indeed," He said venomously, sending a death glare to Hermione. "What do you think you're doing?" The group shot looks at each other, they couldn't afford to be kept behind now.
"How did you know it was me?" Hermione finally said.
"You're the only pupil in Potter's gang capable of taking down my wards." He said coldly, desperately trying not to make it seem like a compliment. "I also saw your feet. Now, where are you going?"
"Riddle Manor, sir." Hermione blurted out in guilt.
There was a look of shock on Snape's face, but as they blinked, it was gone, leading them to think they imagined it. "Riddle Manor?" He questioned.
"Harry had a vision," Hermione began before Harry cut her off, wand drawn and firmly pointed at Snape.
"I'm sorry, but there's no way I'm letting you keep me back." Harry said viciously.
"Lower your wand, Potter." Snape said sternly and Harry complied. "Are you all complete dunderheads? Going to Riddle Manor without alerting the Order, or Albus?"
"They'd never let me go!" Harry said defensively. "You've heard the prophecy, it's got to be me."
Snape was infuriated when he discovered he had no valid way to argue the point now, so he reverted to what he did best.
"You haven't got a plan, you're going to do so well against one of the most powerful wizards to ever live. I don't know why we don't just let you fight them all at once, you'll undoubtedly win." He drawled sarcastically and Harry scowled.
"I've come up with plenty of plans!" Ron retorted.
Harry turned to Ron, "Yes, and they've all been utter shit." He shot back, before turning back to an amused looking Snape. "You know, the last one he suggested, was getting someone to transfigure us all into Quaffles and then getting us gifted to Voldemort," Harry rolled his eyes and Snape's lips twitched in amusement.
"Weasley, you really suggested that?" Snape asked, turning his death glare on Ron.
"It sounded better in my head," Ron admitted, once more looking very sheepish.
"Sorry, sir, but no matter what you do, I'm going after Voldemort tonight." Harry said finally.
"If your mother was alive," Snape said warningly, hoping the threat of Lily would do something to deter the boy.
"She'd be proud of me for standing up to the monster!" Harry roared and the men stared each other down fiercely.
"She wouldn't want her only son throwing his life away! You could at the VERY least inform the Order." He growled, and Harry once more raised his wand.
"Harry, stop it." Hermione bravely interjected. "Pointing your wand at Professor Snape isn't going to do us any good," She reasoned and Harry sighed, but lowered his wand.
"I promised myself I would protect you, Potter. For your mother." Snape suddenly said. "Is there no way I can persuade you to inform Albus?" He said, almost resignedly.
"No." Harry shook his head for emphasis.
"Then we need a plan. Might I suggest we gag Weasley while we think of one?" He suggested venomously, throwing another glare at Ron.
Harry let himself laugh. "I never thought I'd agree with you sir, but I think that would be for the best."
"My plans are NOT that bad!" Ron raged. "They're just… underdeveloped." Both Harry and Snape snorted.
"You know, for two men who say they hate each other, you're so alike." Hermione observed, causing both men to glare at her.
Ginny stepped forward. "I've got an idea. We all apparate, I'll have to go side-along, to wherever the manor is, and, Ron, Hermione and me go around the back entrance, while Harry and Professor Snape go the front way? It'll look suspicious if we all go through with Snape."
Harry nodded in agreement. "They'll open the door for you, right?" He asked, addressing Snape.
He nodded. "I am in the Dark Lord's favor, I should be allowed entrance if I tell them I have news."
"So when they open the door for you, I'll slip in real quick, and then what?" Harry questioned, and the rest of them listened intently.
"I shall inform the Death Eater that is guarding, that I have vital news about the Order's plans. Perhaps you have gained a great deal of power, or they have invented a spell to kill from a distance?" Snape suggested.
"Voldemort is paranoid, I think a new spell would exaggerate that." Hermione interjected and Snape nodded and a strange silence infiltrated them all.
"Do you really think you can do it Potter? How can you be sure we won't all die?" Snape suddenly said, sounding very pessimistic.
"I think I can. And call me Harry, if we're going to die together, I'd like for it to be on good terms." He said cheekily.
"Fine, Po- Harry." Snape sounded as thought he had to expend a huge amount of effort to bring himself to say Harry instead of Potter. "Who can apparate out of you?"
Ron and Hermione both indicated they could, when Harry realized he would have to confess his secret. "I err… never passed." He mumbled.
"What?" Both Ron and Hermione cried. "You told us you had!"
"I lied! I was embarrassed!" He shot back defensively.
Snape sighed in exasperation. "Now is not the time for petty teenage angst! Who will take Miss Weasley?" Ron's hand immediately shot up. "Very well." Ginny went over to Ron and assumed the side-along position.
"Po- Harry, you're with me." Snape said, with a malicious amusement lacing his voice.
"Why can't I go with Hermione?" He challenged.
"Because," He sneered. "We need you in one piece. I would hate for your leg to become lost somewhere." He said sarcastically, sounding as though he'd like nothing better.
Harry shot him one of the dirtiest looks he could muster, before gripping the mans arm.
"Are we all ready?" Harry asked, and everybody nodded. "See you on the other side," He said, and the last thing he heard before they all disappeared was Snape snorting.
Harry landed with a hard crash. "Git, I bet he did that on purpose." He muttered.
"I most certainly did not, and Potter, you're crushing my arm." Snape suddenly said reproachfully. Harry quickly jumped up, to see the Manor a short distance away.
He idly tossed his arm back to help Snape up, while his eyes were fixated on their goal. He felt a tug at his arm, as the older wizard used it to pull himself up.
"Never mention that particular landing again." He seethed and Harry waved his hand dismissively.
"Where are the others?" Harry questioned, finally turning around to see Snape healing his arm.
When he didn't receive an answer, he looked around nearby, and saw Hermione sitting on the ground. He quickly went over to her. "Hermione, are you alright?" He asked hurriedly.
She whipped her head around, and seemed relieved it was Harry. "I'm fine! Just had a bit of a rough landing…" She mused and Harry snorted.
"Apparating never was one of your strong points was it?" Harry said sarcastically.
"Says the man who hasn't even passed his test." She retorted.
"As loathe as I am to agree with Miss Granger, I'm afraid to say that I do." Harry groaned, being publicly humiliated by his best friend who he considered a sister, in front of his most hated Professor, was doing nothing for his confidence.
"Why are you ganging up on me?" Harry said pitifully.
"The Dark Lord will do more than gang up on you." Snape said sternly, and even Harry had to admit, he had a point.
"Where are those Weasleys?" Snape muttered. As if on cue, both Ron and Ginny promptly crashed to the ground mere meters away, and they were both soaking wet.
"This is all your fault Ron!" They heard a dripping Ginny yell.
"It's not my fault! Anyone can get Biddle and Riddle mixed up…" Ron tried to explain.
"I don't care!" Ginny huffed and got up, marching straight over to Harry. "Do you have ANY idea just how incompetent Ron is?" Harry could see the fire in her eyes.
Not wanting to disagree with her, he nodded meekly.
She made a cry of frustration. "So, we were supposed to come here, to Riddle Manor. So where does Ron take us? Biddle lake, IRELAND!" She raged.
Hermione and Harry burst out laughing, seemingly forgetting the morbid nature of why they were here. Even Snape's lips twitched slightly in amusement.
"Calm down, it's an easy mistake to make!" Ron pleaded.
"An easy mistake…" Ginny repeated, and shot daggers at Ron who winced under her glare.
"As much as I would like to see Weasley punished for a stupid mistake, we seem to have more pressing matters to attend to." Snape drawled, drawing the groups attention. "Siccus." Snape muttered, giving a complicated wand movement that had Hermione practically drooling.
Both Ron and Ginny found themselves dry and warm at his spell. "Thank you, Professor." Ginny said gratefully. Ron completely ignored him.
"You could at least say thanks, Ron." Harry said, annoyed. The man was helping them, and it didn't mean he had to like him, but he owed him some respect at least.
"Thanks," Ron said ungratefully and Harry sighed.
"There's no time for this. Have you got your cloak?" Snape said quickly, turning to Harry, who nodded. "Put it on. There should be, at most, one Death Eater at the back entrance. The Dark Lord doesn't believe anyone would attempt to attack him here, so security should be lax." He explained.
"You're putting a lot of emphasis on should." Hermione noted.
"A smart observation. I have no way of knowing whether these security arrangements are still upheld." Snape conceded, a rare thing and Hermione felt vindicated.
"Go through the back door, and there should be a staircase leading to the dungeons. Meet us there." The trio nodded.
"Good luck you three," Harry said finally and pulled Hermione, Ron and Ginny into a four-way hug. "Aren't you going to join our group hug, sir?" Harry asked, trying to keep the situation light-hearted.
"Of course. I'd love to have Weasley hair in my face." He said sarcastically, noting the way Ginny's hair seemed to be trying to eat Harry." They swiftly pulled away, and the trio nodded to both Harry and Snape, before heading off to the back.
"This is it then." Harry stated, clasping the cloak around him.
"Indeed," Snape began as Harry disappeared. "There'll only be a small window of opportunity," He warned; "Be quick." They both began to move towards the Manor, and he couldn't shake the feeling that something unusual was going to happen.
As the reached the front door, Snape drew his wand and put it into a small hole. Harry could feel magic thrumming around them, and a cloaked man opened the door.
"Severus," He greeted. "The Dark Lord is very busy and has demanded not to be disturbed."
"I have grave news concerning the Order," Snape replied coldly. "They are planning to kill our Lord, and already have the means to do so." Harry couldn't see the cloaked mans face, but could almost imagine the panic in his eyes.
Without saying a word, the man moved to the side, and both Snape and Harry quickly darted through.
Well… this wasn't what he expected. It was a normal, upper-class manor. Harry suddenly felt very stupid, what had he been expecting? The walls to be made of flesh and the stairs of bone? He chastised himself for being so stupid, before he quickly moved to Snape's side.
"Our Lord is in the new interrogation room, with the Malfoys." 'Great that's all we need,' Harry thought bitterly.
"I can find my own way," Snape said icily and the cloaked man nodded, and returned to the door. Snape began to move towards the back of the manor, to where they would meet up with the others. Harry quickly followed.
Finally they arrived at the at stairs Snape had described and waited patiently for the other three, Harry still under his cloak. Suddenly, a red-faced Ron, an angry looking Hermione, and finally a smug Ginny came through the door leading to another room.
"I presume it went well," Snape murmured, keeping his voice as low as possible.
"Well?" Hermione breathed angrily, something Harry didn't know was possible.
"Thanks a bunch sir." Harry whispered into Snape's ear.
"Hermione, lets just get this over and done with, eh?" Ron whispered nervously, and they all nodded, even though no one could see Harry's nod.
"Someone else can fit under the cloak," Harry whispered.
"Pick somebody." Snape muttered.
"Errr, Hermione." He said without thinking, and he completely missed the crushed expression on Ginny's face. Hermione smirked and quickly secreted herself under the cloak with Harry.
Snape went first down the stairs, and they could hear talking.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs, and approaching an old room, with double-doors made from very old, very solid wood, Snape knocked on the door.
"Keep out of sight," He whispered and the ones not covered kept to the sides.
"Open the door and stay outside," A dark voice commanded, a voice Harry would know anywhere.
Snape prepared his Occlumency shields, and slowly opened the door.
Voldemort was in the middle of the room, no indication what he was doing beforehand around him. Lucius Malfoy was at the side of the room, with his son Draco by his side. "Severus… I said I was not to be disturbed."
"I know my Lord," Snape said quickly. "But I have news about the Order, they've developed a new spell, it is in the final stages and is nearing completion." Voldemort tilted his head, looking at him with curiosity.
"Come in," He finally said and everybody took a deep breath. Snape opened the doors wider and took a step into the room, leaving his sides clear, and all hell broke loose.
Ron and Ginny jumped out, shouting "Stupefy!"Neither managed to hit, and Voldemort quickly drew his wand, before Harry threw off his cloak, his own wand drawn.
Everyone was stood still now, both Malfoy's in shock, and Voldemort enraged. Ginny and Ron both had their wands trained on Voldemort, Snape and Hermione being the only ones to realize that their wands were better pointed elsewhere.
Hermione was covering Draco, and Snape, Lucius.
"I had you down as many a thing, Severus, but a traitor wasn't one of them." Lucius said bitterly.
"SILENCE!" Voldemort snapped, turning his full attention on Harry. "Have you come here to meet your death?" He sneered at Harry.
"No, actually, I've come to deliver yours." Harry smiled, just because he had no idea what to do next.
"Bold." Voldemort acknowledged. "Do you remember what happened the last time we dueled, brat?"
"Yes, I seem to remember escaping, multiple times." Harry said, and his wand hand began to twitch. "Why? Are you proposing a proper wizards duel?" Harry questioned, and Voldemort's eyes narrowed.
"I can think of no better end to suit The-Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Die."
"Who's your second then? I'll let you pick first." Harry declared. If he could get Voldemort angry enough, maybe he could push him over the edge?
"I need no second." Voldemort announced coldly.
"Everyone needs a second, it's in the rules," Harry said helpfully.
Voldemort simply stared at Harry a moment, before finally declaring: "Lucius." The blonde man eagerly stepped forward to his Lords side.
"And you, Potter?"
"I choose Severus Snape." He said simply, not even having to think about it. Snape stepped forward, and in a normal situation, would have smirked at been chosen over Weasley.
"WHAT!" Ron shouted, not caring that Voldemort was in the room. "But I'm your best friend!"
"And you're also shit at dueling. The most powerful wizard in the world is right in front of us, and all you can care about is your wounded pride!" Harry retorted and Ron looked thoroughly chastised.
"You admit, I am the most powerful then." Voldemort said the question as a statement.
"Yes," Harry said simply. "and you also have the biggest ego," He muttered under his breath. "This is so surreal." He said out loud.
"Reality tends to be Harry, now focus or we're all dead." Snape deadpanned.
"Are you ready to meet your parents?" Voldemort said, smirking as he did so.
"No idea." Harry said, not wanting to give Voldemort the satisfaction of an emotional answer. "I'm ready."
After a few moments, both men began to cast their spells, when there was a huge rumbling sound, making the rooms inhabitants wobble. Everyone looked at the floor, and all of the objects in the room started shaking.
'Of all the times to get an earthquake," Harry seethed, and turned back to look at Voldemort who had his wand pointing into the air.
"Molior Propugnaculum!" He said, and there was an indescribable feeling that passed through all of them. Suddenly, all of the rumbling stopped, and everyone but Harry and Voldemort himself had been knocked to the floor.
Everyone getting up, Ron raged and tried to cast a blasting curse at Draco. Nothing happened. Ron stared at his wand and tried again. Still nothing.
Harry looked around the room. Voldemort had his hand over his face, perhaps trying not to show how much power that spell had taken. Lucius and Draco were uselessly trying to cast curses at the Weasley's. Hermione was standing opened mouth, strangely enough, right next to Snape, who was also looking rather shocked.
Harry felt confused, and did the first thing that came to mind. He pointed his wand at Voldemort and shouted; "Expelliarmus!"
"That's not going to work, brat." Voldemort suddenly said, startling everyone in the room.
"Why not?" Harry demanded.
"Because that is the nature of the spell." Voldemort said simply.
"Elaborate?" Harry asked, and tried to sound polite, although he had no idea why.
"Molior Propugnaculum, a protection spell. There can be no acts of violence, or purposeful magic inside it's radius."
"How are we supposed to get out then?" Harry exclaimed.
"It can only be dispelled with it's counter spell, from the outside, which I only taught my most trusted," Voldemort gave Snape a taste of his own medicine with a death glare. "Inner circle members. Namely, Lucius, Severus and Bellatrix."
"Great. So our only hope is that bitch?" Harry said despairingly.
"I would presume Albus Dumbledore also knows the counter spell."
"Wow, that's even better!" Harry said sarcastically. "What would happen if I walked over there right now and punched you?" He asked venomously.
"I suspect you would be thrown back from me before you managed it." Voldemort smirked and Harry scowled. Harry looked around the room. There was a barrier of light just in front of the actual walls of the room. Lucius and Draco approached Harry, and Hermione, Ron and Ginny quickly came beside him.
"This is all your fault," Lucius sneered. "How did you even get here anyway?"
"A vision." Harry said simply.
"No doubt helped by the Mudblood." Draco seethed, glaring at Hermione.
"Don't call her a Mudblood," Ron roared in defense of his friend.
"I'll call her what I like, Weasley." Draco did a perfect impression of his fathers sneer.
"Leave it Ron," Hermione pleaded.
"I won't leave it! When we get out of here…" Ron said threateningly.
"If we get out of here," Snape added pessimistically.
"Indeed, we seem to be stuck here. No thanks to you," Lucius said accusingly, directed at Snape.
"I'd thank the Dark Lord for our current situation, not me." Snape said with a forced calm.
"Malfoys don't 'thank', we express gratitude." He said with pride, making Snape and Ron snort.
"I don't think I've ever seen that," Snape commented.
Ginny stepped forward, a huge scowl on her face. She angrily pointed her finger in Lucius's face. "No, next time you 'express gratitude' let me know so I can take a picture. It may end up in the next Care of Magical Creatures class. You know, when we're studying Blast-Ended Skrewts." She said furiously.
Everyone was completely silent in the face of Ginny's scornful comment.
"How… dare you!" Lucius said lowly. "I won't be insulted by a filthy little blood traitor!"
"ENOUGH!" Harry yelled, causing both parties to back down. "This is getting us nowhere. We can't do magic, and we can't beat each other to death either. We're stuck together until the bitch releases us, after that, we can kill each other all we want!" Harry scowled and threw a pointed glare at Voldemort. "But for now, lets just leave it."
Both Lucius and Draco glared at Harry before they both sloped off.
"I've never seen magic like that before," Ginny commented, trying to calm down and change the subject.
"That's old magic," Hermione said. "Very powerful magic."
"Hermione, stop complimenting him." Ron snapped.
"Oh just because you can't appreciate a bit of complex magic doesn't mean I can't." She said angrily.
"This is not the time for arguing guys!" Harry chastised. Lucius and Draco were sitting in the far corner, murmuring to each other. Voldemort had moved to the other corner, and was glaring at Harry. Ron, Hermione and Ginny seemed to have gravitated towards each other and Snape was still standing, inspecting their new prison, jabbing his finger at the barrier of light, only to have it ripple at his touch.
"I didn't know such a spell existed," Harry said, walking over to where Snape was stood.
"It's dark, ancient magic, Harry. Very powerful, as Miss Granger said."
"How can a protective spell be dark?" Harry questioned.
"It essentially bends the will of the people inside of it. You can't do any magic, or anything with malicious intent." Snape explained.
"Why'd Voldemort have to go and do this?" He muttered to himself.
"I suspect he wanted to protect himself, and put more power into the spell than he intended." Snape rationalized.
"I suppose so. Are you going to come and sit with us then?" He asked cautiously. Snape eyed the others equally as cautiously. Finally, he acquiesced and sat down on Harry's left, his right being an empty space.
"Why are you all ganging up on me?" Ron whined.
"Because, we're trapped in a prison of ancient magic, with the darkest and most powerful wizard for centuries, and all you're worried about, is your stomach!" Hermione said, obviously annoyed.
"I only asked if you had any food," Ron muttered and Harry shook his head.
"Hermione, you know before we came down here, what happened?" Harry asked, remembering the looks on all of their faces.
"Don't ask." Ron said bitterly.
"Oh shut up Ron, It was funny!" Ginny laughed, earning the group glares from the Malfoys.
"So what happened then?" Harry asked again.
"Well, Snape was wrong for once." Ron said smugly and Hermione's scowl deepened.
"Sorry sir." She offered in Ron's stead to Snape. "We went round the back, and there were two Death Eaters." Hermione explained, ignoring an increasingly red faced Ron. "So, Ron 'commanded' that Ginny and I take one, and he'd take the other."
"This is going to end badly," Snape muttered so only Harry could hear.
"We wait until the Death Eaters separate, and then Ginny and I successfully stun ours. We hear a commotion, and what's happened? Ron has stunned the Death Eater, but the bastard managed to cast the Conjunctivitis Curse, first! So, what was Ron doing? Shooting off curses and hexes randomly because he couldn't see!"
Ginny and Harry started laughing. "He hit Hermione with a Jelly-Fingers Curse, and she kept dropping her wand." Ginny informed them, and they heard snorts from the other two corners of the room.
"That's enough," Hermione snapped, and everyone knew not to mention it again, everyone but Ron that is.
"But it wasn't my fault," Ron whined and Hermione scowled.
"You don't just cast curses like that randomly!" Hermione said angrily.
"But I needed to make sure I got him!" Ron insisted.
"You had already stunned him!" She shrieked and Ginny, Harry and Snape shuffled back slightly.
"I didn't know that, I was blinded!" Ron argued.
"Ron if you don't shut up, I'm going to go and sit with Voldemort, I bet even he'd be better company than you." Harry said threateningly.
"You wouldn't!" Ron gasped.
"Watch me." Harry spat, annoyed with his best friend, and true to his word, he stood up and began to move to the corner where Voldemort was sitting.
"Ron! That was the worse thing you could of said, you know whenever you say that he does it anyway!" Hermione shrieked at Ron, who was now staring despondently at the ceiling.
Harry huffed at Hermione and sat down right in front of his arch enemy, crossing his arms and glaring at him. "Tell me, if I try and punch you, and it knocks me back, will it knock me out?"
"And you think that would be a wise course of action, considering whose company you now hold, brat?" Voldemort questioned and glared right back at him.
"Probably not, but I wouldn't have to listen to them." Harry conceded. There were a few moments of an awkward silence before Voldemort spoke again.
"You thought to defeat me, when you cannot stand those you call your friends?" He asked Harry, who sniggered.
"Yeah I did, and still do, when Bellabitch comes and gets us out of here. We never finished our duel," Harry said cheekily, taking a risk.
"You know, Bellatrix, I'd like to torture her," He muttered, remembering Sirius all over again.
"Perhaps you should be in Slytherin."
Harry lowered his voice. "Oh I nearly was, I'm only in Gryffindor because I begged the sorting hat not to put me there."
Voldemort looked at him a moment. "You are a very stupid boy, choosing Gryffindor over Slytherin."
"If you're going to call me names, I'll call you Tom, and I know how much that pisses you off." Harry smirked.
"You wouldn't." Voldemort glared and growled warningly, before realizing he made the same error as Ron.
"Watch me… Tom." Harry smirked again. "Don't tell anyone else that, about Slytherin, not many people know." Harry commented, and got up, returning back to his group.
"See, told you I would." Harry said smugly, looking at the shocked faces of Hermione, Ron and Ginny.
"I can't believe you did that, Potter!" Snape hissed.
"Harry, and anyway, it's not like he could of done anything is it?"
Snape opened his mouth to say something, and promptly closed it again.
"What are we supposed to do now?" Ron asked, and the group thought for a moment.
"There's nothing we can do, we just need to wait for Bellabitch." Harry replied. "Although, I'm sure we'll all die then." He added thoughtfully.
"How cheerful." Ginny said and rolled her eyes. Hermione had brought out her satchel and was bringing out everything that was inside.
"Miss Granger," Snape began on seeing the amount of potions she was bringing out. "Did you steal my entire stock?"
"I did," She said sheepishly.
"You couldn't just have brought the ones you thought useful?" He asked, slightly exasperated.
"I didn't have time to look at the labels," She admitted. "You walked in just a few seconds after."
Finally finished setting out the various potions, and to Ron's delight, the wrapped pumpkin pasties, sandwiches, cauldron cakes, chocolate frogs and practically the whole of Honeydukes.
"Professor, why are there eight vials of Veritaserum?" Ginny asked, curiously examining the many potions.
"Because, the full moon has just past, and that was the latest batch. It is an improved version of Veritaserum. You are only compelled to tell the truth, when you have to agreed to before hand. For example. If Miss Granger consumed the potion, and I asked her whether her hair was brown, she could lie. However, if I said, tell me the truth, and she had said she would, and then I asked, she would be compelled to be honest." He said, giving her a disdainful look, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"I suppose we could eat now," Hermione commented, and being the Gryffindor she is, she got up, and walked over to the Malfoys. "Mr. Malfoy, Draco," She acknowledged. "Are you coming to eat?" She asked politely.
"And get poisoned?" Lucius asked.
"If it was poisoned, why are we eating it?" She stated, and Lucius looked over at Draco, who was eyeing up the pasties.
"Very well. Come on Draco." They both got up, and walked over to the group, sitting down and helping themselves.
"How is it that you have so much food?" Lucius asked, shocked on basically seeing enough food to stock Honeydukes.
"It's where me and Harry hide things from Ron," She confessed, bringing out seven bottles of butter-beer. "Harry bought me the satchel for my birthday."
"It must have cost a fortune," Draco said, approvingly.
"I did," Harry interjected. "It was the best one they had." He finished proudly.
"You hide things from me?" Ron asked, obvious hurt in his tone.
"You'd eat it all." Harry stated simply, ignoring the look of pure hurt on Ron's face.
"I wouldn't." He said, turning on puppy-dog eyes, which everybody ignored.
"You would," Ginny said helpfully, earning her a scowl from her brother.
The group all inched closer to the food, enjoying it. Harry leaned in a lowered his voice. "What's your bet I can get Tom to have some cauldron cake?" He said, a malicious gleam in his eye.
"Who's Tom?" Draco asked, doing a perfect impression of Ron and spitting crumbs everywhere.
"Manners Draco!" Lucius reprimanded.
Harry rolled his eyes. "Voldemort, who else would it be?" Harry asked, and looked at Draco incredulously.
"You'll never do it," Draco grinned.
Harry picked up a slice, and walked over to where Voldemort was sitting, watching them intently.
"Aren't you hungry, Tom?" Harry asked, fully expecting a death glare, which he received.
"I wouldn't sully myself with such foods," Voldemort said disdainfully.
"You never had cake and such on the Hogwarts express then?" He asked, disbelievingly. Voldemort had no reply to that. "Come on, stop being so miserable!" Harry said cheerfully. "What do you have to be miserable about?"
"I've unwittingly protected my mortal enemy and his stupid friends from harm, expended a huge amount of magical energy, and discovered one of my best followers is actually a spy. I've also discovered that my other best follower," Voldemort threw a glare at Lucius. "Will abandon me at will, for a piece of cake." Voldemort spat bitterly.
"The cake is good!" Harry said defensively. "And anyway, if anyone is miserable don't you think it should be me? So, as soon as Bellabitch lets us out, I've got to fight the duel of my life, the results of said duel changing the future for the entire wizarding world." Harry narrowed his eyes when he got no response. "So, stop being so bloody selfish and have some cake!"
Voldemort opened his mouth to no doubt spit something venomous out, and Harry forcibly shoved the cake into his mouth. Voldemort quickly chewed and swallowed the cake, and Harry could see the fury behind his eyes.
"Don't," Voldemort began growling, reaching out to grab Harry, only to remember their prison. He pulled his hands back and continued. "you ever do that again." He finished.
"Lighten up," Harry rolled his eyes. He knew full well as soon as Bellabitch opened their prison, he and the others would most likely die, probably really painfully now. He should be entitled to have some fun right?
"The Dark Lord, does not 'lighten up'." Voldemort scowled.
"If you say so," Harry said, getting ready to go back to the group, who were watching with their mouths open, not a pretty sight in Ron's case as it was filled with cake. "Tom." He said with a smile, relishing the chance to taunt his enemy without consequence. Harry quickly turned around and gracefully fled back to the group.
"No one but you, Potter, would have the courage to shove cauldron cake into the Dark Lord's mouth." Lucius said, and Draco nodded.
"I can't believe he actually ate it!" Ginny exclaimed.
"Harry, that was quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen anybodydo." Snape hissed.
"I agree with Professor Snape, how could you?" Hermione said furiously.
"Hermione, why do you keep taking the bad guys side?" Ron asked, irritated.
"What do you mean?" She quickly whipped around to face him, and she looked livid.
"You keep agreeing with Snape of all people, and you complimented Voldemort twice!" Ron explained, and quickly regretted it.
"I merely commented on the fact it was extremely complex and difficult magic. I keep agreeing with Professor Snape, because he's right!"
"Calm down! Not everyone likes all that complicated magic stuff, I swear It'll give you a heart attack from the excitement one day," He grumbled.
"You are so insensitive!" She growled.
"And you're so bloody hormonal!" Lucius, Draco, and Harry sniggered at this, while Hermione looked so affronted and Ginny was fuming.
"If I could slap you," Hermione began lowly. "I wouldn't. I'd kick you in the balls instead." She finished, eliciting a wince from all the men at the thought of it.
"Will you all be quiet?" Voldemort's voice boomed as he came up to the group, anger evident in his blood red eyes.
"Oh, hello Tom!" Harry said cheerfully. "Have you come for more cake?" He asked sweetly.
"Only you would dare," Snape muttered, and Harry had the most marvelous idea.
"We should play Truth or Dare!" He exclaimed excitedly.
"Oh no!" Hermione said. "Please no, Harry! Remember when you introduced that in the dorms? People were walking around offended for weeks!" She cringed at the memory, and was glad she had avoided the game.
"What's truth or dare?" Both Lucius and Draco asked.
The malicious gleam in Harry's eye brightened. "Simple, we find an empty bottle, spin it, and whoever it lands on, the person who span the bottle asks them Truth, or dare.
If they say truth, you get to ask them ANY question, and they have to tell the truth!" Harry smiled and laughed at the memory of the last game they'd played.
"And if they say dare?" Draco inquired.
"Well, then you get to dare them to do something. For example, say you asked me, and I said dare, you could… dare me to do… well anything really. Kiss people, eat earwax…"
"Urgh," Hermione screwed up her nose in disgust.
"It's a muggle game, and I think we should play! Harry said happily. "Who's in?"
Draco, Ron, Ginny and Harry put their hand up. Harry turned on his puppy dog eyes and directed them at Hermione. "Pretty please? With sugar? And a cherry?"
"Where does the cherry come from?" She asked cautiously.
"A muggle farm, so house elves didn't gather it." He explained and Hermione sighed.
"Fine I'm in." She put her hand up.
"Tell me, Potter, how do you ensure people are telling the truth?" Voldemort asked suddenly, making everyone jump.
"Well, you can't normally, but we have that new improved version of Veritaserum," He grinned.
"This sounds… interesting. Are you sure it's a game?"
"Well, it's more of a way of testing people's loyalties and such." Harry said quickly, realizing that Voldemort probably didn't play games. Voldemort appeared to think for a moment, before sitting down in the space on Harry's right.
"Lucius, Severus, you two shall join in as well." Voldemort said commandingly.
"Yes, my Lord," Lucius said quickly.
"I will not!" Snape said forcefully.
"Come on, live a little. I bet my mother would have done…" Harry trailed off, knowing that was a low blow.
Snape sighed. "Very well. But only because we're all going to die afterwards." He said miserably.
Hermione rolled her eyes and handed out the Veritaserum. "I can't believe I'm playing truth or dare with the Dark Lord and Lucius Malfoy," She muttered and downed her dose in one.
Harry watched as everyone but Voldemort and himself took their dose. Snape passed him the remaining two bottles, and he handed one to Voldemort. "Bottoms up!" He said cheerily, and also downed his dose in one.
"Now, just to see if it's working as it should, Professor Snape," He said, turning to his left side. "Truth or dare?"
"What's your first name?"
"Severus." He responded immediately.
"Good! Now, who wants to go first?"