"Why are we doing this again?" Fitz huffed, settled on the white stone floor of the workshop, "I was doing something."
Kilbert laughed, "Yeah, because standing around waving a feather duster is that important!"
"I was cleaning my family's restaurant, you big lug!"
Gillian whimpered from her corner of the room, "Kil? Why did you drag me here? If Captain knows I'm skipping again, I'll lose my weekends forever!"
"Oh, don't worry about that. I told him you were helping me with a super special mission to fix the forest or something. I think he bought it."
Fitz remarked, "Only a complete idiot would buy that theory."
Kilbert roared in outrage, "Are you calling me an idiot or something, Fitz? Because if you don't want to be here, you can just leave!"
"This isn't even your house, you moron!" she screeched back, "And you still haven't told us why you made us come in the first place!"
His face fell, "Oh yeah. Well, we have to wait for Hans and Liese anyway. I have a big announcement to make."
And soon enough, the blonde committee member and the rosette alchemist made their way into the workshop, not quite aware that the owner wasn't actually there, but instead, Kilbert with a thick red story book full of fairy tales. Hans immediately looked unimpressed.
"Please tell me we are not reading those again."
"Tch, we're not reading these," Kilbert said proudly, "I am. You see, I have to practice before my big challenge against Kyle."
"You're challenging Kyle?" Liese asked uneasily, and happily, Kilbert nodded his head, "To what, a fairy-tale-off?"
"Fairy tale off?" Hans asked snidely.
"Don't judge me, I just figured that's something he would say."
Completely unaware what the two were discussing, Kilbert replied, "Yes, Lisette. A fairy tale off."
"Don't call me Lisette," she nearly hissed, "If anyone hears that, I'll be deported in a week. You just have to stick with Liese."
"Ugh, fine," he sighed impatiently, "Now that you're done demanding things from me, then I will tell you today's story," he pointed to a small red rug in front of a wooden rocking chair. On the rug was a ceramic plate covered with Puffs, "Over there with Fitz and Gillian! And make sure to eat as many Puffs as humanely possible. I want to see how angry Pepe will get when he finds that they are missing again."
Dumbfounded, the four stared at him, but settled in front of the rocker. Gillian bravely asked, "So what story are you going to tell us today, Kilbert?"
"You should know, Gillian. Since you're the heroine and everything," he cleared his throat and began.
Once upon a time, there was this country that was old and stuff. Its name was Orde, and was known for being peaceful and famous for its alchemists. That was why the Hans clan attacked.
Hans snarled, "The what clan?"
Kilbert did a double clan, "The Hans clan," the blonde grit his teeth, smiling dangerously. Kilbert objected, "Hey, it's not my fault! Blame whoever wrote this book for giving you such roles."
So because of them, Orde ordered one man from each family to join the war. Why did they not want women? Beats me.
The four again stared dumbfounded at him.
"I swear, that's what it says!" he flashed the page from the book.
"He's totally right!" Gillian exclaimed, pointing to the exact line, "That's the weirdest thing ever!"
"I'm beginning to really wonder if this is even a real book," Liese muttered thoughtfully, "Please continue, Kilbert."
In the mean time, there was another problem, albeit, not really as important as war. A young woman with purple hair and dark, copper skin was having preparations made to see a matchmaker and finally be married off to some guy she didn't even know.
"Father!" she cried to a bulking, blonde haired man with a straight face, "I don't want to meet a match! It's going to be completely boring and stuff, and I'd rather play- I, uh, mean work with my medical herbs!"
He sighed and said, "Gillian Rose, you are twenty-one now. Most women your age are married with children. It's true you've suffered some... disadvantages, but I think it is time for you to begin your adult life. That is why we have hired this matchmaker; to help find you a great man to marry."
But he would not hear any other objections from his daughter. So a tiny, green-clad fairy walked through the door, hoping to get the entire situation over with. He asked her a few basic questions like what she should she do if the Hans clan came to invade her home. With a straight face she declared, "I would totally kick their asses to the other side of the country! A girl has to defend herself, you know?"
The matchmaker grumbled something before calling her father in.
"She should join the army. Have her dress up as a man, because for whatever reason, they don't want women involved with fighting. Have her take this," He gave her father a scroll and her a slight nod, "Good luck."
And with that, Gillian, who was renamed Gil, went to join Orde's army as a new recruit. She ended up in the unit of a totally, awesome hunk named Captain Kilbert.
His eyes widened in awe, "Guys, I'm a captain in this story!" he squealed delightfully, "That's way better than last time when I was a wolf!"
"I don't know Kil," Gillian argued, "Your name was cuter last time. Percy is a way better name than Captain Kilbert."
"Why is he a captain anyway?" Hans asked.
"Don't be jealous, Hans," Kilbert said smugly, "By the way, you all have to call me Captain Kilbert from now on."
"Um, no," Fitz spat.
He sunk back into his chair detestably.
This was Capt. Kilbert's first time leading an army of sorts, so he had to take the time to train them and get to know them as fighters. And they were really bad. There was a boy of eighteen who was too skinny and always got lost when he was more than five meters away from the group. There was a red-haired boy of seventeen who was spiteful and lazy due to being rich and getting whatever he wanted. Because of this, he often picked on poor Gil because he didn't look manly enough. But one day, Capt. Kilbert had enough.
"Alright you lazy bone!" he objected angrily, "It looks like I'm going to have to take a different approach to get you to earn more power!" he tore off the the top part of his armor, revealing his bare chest.
"Um, Captain," Gil squeaked, "What are you doing? Is that really necessary and stuff?"
"What's wrong, Gil?" the red head taunted, "Afraid of how manly the captain will look compared to you?"
"Wait, is that supposed to be Julian?" Liese interrupted, "Why is he of all people in this story?"
Kilbert, Gillian and Fitz exchanged a weird look, "Who's Julian?"
"He's from the famed Fanile family from another country," Hans explained, "Annie had problems dealing with him during the contest. He has a bit of an attitude problem."
Fitz scowled, "He sounds like a jerk. If I ever meet him, I ought to punch him in the face."
Liese giggled, "I don't think you need to do anything that drastic. He's just a kid."
The Captain continued the strangeness, suddenly breaking out into song:
"Let's get down to business/to defeat/HANS!"*
"Kilbert, I swear, I.."
On the other side of the border, a skinny blonde was accompanied by his skinny, brunette companion, who resembled a twelve-year-old boy. She was actually a twenty year old woman. The man sneezed.
"Someone is talking about me, again."
The woman retorted, "I think you're just being paranoid."
"What was that you said?" he glared evilly.
"U-Um, nothing, Sir Hans, sir."
Fitz growled at Hans, "What are you doing to Annie, you jerk?"
He sputtered back, "Fitz, don't be ridiculous. It's just a story."
"Yeah, Fitz! He's totally got a crush on Annie, anyway!"
"Oopsie," Gillian laughed nervously, "I didn't know that was supposed to be a secret."
"As if," Fitz countered, "Everyone knew that the whole time. It's so obvious."
Kilbert gaped, "I didn't know that! Why didn't you guys tell me! Have you been meeting in secret or something? Is there some sort of 'No-Kilbert-allowed-club?' Cause if so, I want in!"
Liese smiled awkwardly, "Why don't you just continue?"
So they shirtless captain continued to sing, miraculously making his soldiers much more efficient in using fireworks, bombs and spears to destroy their enemies. Also, the blonde secretly wrote love letters to his brunette companion, but hid them in the snow.
Hans scowled from his spot on the floor. Kilbert frowned.
"So even the book knew before me about this?" he yelled, frustrated, "That doesn't even make any sense!"
"Just drop it!" Hans yelled back.
So ANYWAY, the army finally met up with the Hans clan and the epic battle of all time occurred; fireworks were flying, bombs were exploding and Gil even kicked Hans in the jaw! And trust me, taking a kick to the jaw hurts. A lot.
But he still revealed that she was actually a girl. So she pushed him in the snow.
"I'm so cool in this story!" Gillian squealed happily, "What else do I do, Kil?"
"You're a girl?" Capt. Kilbert gawked, "But girls are supposed to be back in Orde so the prince has a wider range of women to pick from to marry!"
"But I don't want to get married, now!" she cried back her response, "Not until I meet someone who can drink my medical juice without saying it tastes bad!"
The brunette companion asked, "Will it heal Hans?"
"Um, why would we want to do that?" Capt. Kilbert asked incredulously.
Gillian ignored him, saying, "Of course it will! As long as he's willing to come back to the country and pay for his crimes."
And with that everything was settled. Gillian came back to Orde a heroine, and because the prince decided he was not ready to find his wife yet, women were allowed to join the army. Also, Capt. Kilbert was named the world's coolest captain ever. And Hans found redemption in prison, while his companion had somehow discovered one of his letters in the snow...
"Stop bringing that up!"
But before the argument could continue on, Annie walked through the door with a grocery bag, unsurprised to see everyone gathered in her workshop, "Why haven't I invested in a lock, by now?" she sighed to herself sadly, setting the bag on the table, "What are you even doing, anyway?"
"We're trying to get Hans to confess to-"
His mouth was clamped shut by Hans' hand. Annie stared blankly.
"What are you hiding?"
She raised an eyebrow, "Yeah. Right. What are you really hiding?"
Gillian piped up, "His secret love for-" his other hand covered her mouth.
"Oh, come on, I want to know!" Annie whined, running over to her friends, and pulling Hans' hands off, "Tell me, tell me, tell me!"
"Say nothing," Hans hissed.
Liese smiled mischievously, "Just read the book. It will explain everything, Annie."
Immediately, he dove for it, but fell flat on his face, "I will tell people your real name, Lisette."
Her triumphant expression quickly disappeared, "Sorry Annie, he's got me beat there."
"No fair," she pouted, "You guys always keep the good secrets from me. Why aren't I allowed to know about...whatever it is you're hiding, anyway?"
"Um, hey, what about me?" Kilbert complained, "I just found out, like, two minutes ago! Apparently, a book knows more about Hans' feelings than I do!"
Fitz stared at the leather-bound book, "We never found out who wrote it anyway."
"I think it was Melody."
The five stared at the brunette alchemist.
Hans repeated, "You mean to tell us this whole time, Melody wrote this strange book of fairy tales that for whatever reason has us as characters in it?"
"Well..." Kilbert asked, trying to break the tension, "Why?"
She bit her lip guiltily, "Because... I asked her to. I-I thought it would be funny and stuff, but I didn't actually think she would go and get it published. Heck, I just mentioned it in passing. She didn't even show me any rough drafts or anything, so..."
Kilbert objected, "You're the reason why I was named Percy in Little Red Riding Hood!" he crossed his arms over his chest righteously, "As punishment, you must go the rest of your life calling me Captain Kilbert. Say it now for practice."
"Yeah, um, no."
"What do you mean, no?"
"I mean, no."
Sometime during the argument, Kyle had managed to sneak into the room, with his own copy of fairy tales glued under his arm, "Hey guys, the totally awesome, happening Kyle is here! I'm having a fairy tale off with Kilbert, and if I win, I get his Golem Boy!"
"Wait a second!" Annie interrupted, "Who said you guys could use my workshop as your personal reading room!"
But neither man responded to her, only glaring at one another competively, "Dream on, Kyle. You are so going down. I just told the greatest story ever. I was a captain. You can't beat that."
Kyle rose his glasses up his face with a flick of his finger, "Oh, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself, Kilbert. I have a story that everyone loves to hear. And I've got a great narrating voice for it to," he looked at the four sitting quietly on the carpet, "Do you think you guys can handle Cinderella?"
* Borrowed and tweaked from the song "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from Mulan.
A/N: So...I know it's been like...an eternity since I last updated any story on here. That's because for the most part I've moved on to writing my own stuff. But I really wanted to do at least one more update to this story, because I started this collection at the beginning of my frosh year, and now I'll be graduating. I wanted to have a one shot for each year I was in high school. I'm a major dork that way. Plus, I liked the idea of Kyle and Kilbert trying to be better narrators. Unfortunetly, I need to review the game more. I think I'm rusty when it comes to the characters, but I think I still have the gist.