Metal Gear Gas.

By: Alfa Ishida

(The Metal Gear Solid script was rewrited by Hideo Kojima and me last weekend, Mr. Kojima and I were in one of the bathrooms of an airport, then I met him, -"Are you Hideo Kojima?" -I asked, -"Yes, I am" -He replied. -"Can I rewrite the dialogues and events of Metal Gear Solid?" -I asked. -"Of course you can, but give me some credits, eh?"- He replied.")

-"First"- Campbell said. -"Let me introduce you to your foes, the guys who are trying to launch a pig to the White House and all the U.S.A.

Psycho Mantis, who has the incredible ability to make controllers vibrate and read memory cards, also he can control the ladies mind and make their sexual wishes come true.

Sniper Wolf, who likes to shoot people in the middle of blizzards, also he loves wolves.

Decoy Octopus, This guy likes to disguise himself as DARPA members, this guy is VERY important to the game story, so DONT kill him.

Volcan Raven, who likes to crush people with a tank, and is almost naked in Alaska, also he loves ravens.

And Revolver Ocelot, specialist in interrogation and a formidable gun fighter, so formidable that he keeps hiding himself and will sell the Metal Gear blueprints to anyone.

And finally, in charge of them, Fox Hound squad leader, Gas Snake.

-"GAS SNAKE?!" -Snake exclamed. -"What kinda stupid name is that?! Its almost the same codename as mine."


-"Ok, ok, Im solid, hes gas, wheres liquid?"

-"He was kicked out of this story"

-"Danm, so I will have to fight a guy whos always farting?"


-"Ill go then, Ill just get my SOCOM and..."

-"Eh.. no you cant take it"

-"Well what about a FAMAS?"

-"Uh uh..."

-"My slingshot?"


-"Darn it, Ill be send to a place FULL of well armed terrorist and I cant even use my slingshot?"

-"Yeah, now lets get started"

(Bla bla bla and Snake is launched in the SDV to the building, inside, he makes a codec call to Campbell)

-"Coronel, can you hear me?" -Snake asked.

-"Pretty much, yeah. wasap?" -Campbell replied.

-"Im inside the disposal facility"

-"Thats cool, now theres an elevator that can take you to the ground, go for it Snake!"

(Snake stands up, but he gets caught by one of the Genome Soldiers)

-"Who are you?!" -The soldier asked.

-"Elvis" -Snake replied.

-"What in the..?!" -The soldier pointed his gun at Snake.

-"I came back from the great beyond, just to see your weapon" -Snake said.

-"Oh! I cant believe it! take it please!" -The soldier handed his gun to Snake.


(Snake contiuned his way, then he heard some conversation)

-"Stay alert! *fart* He will go through here, *fart* I know it" -A guy with long hair said. -"I have to shot down a couple of flies *fart*" -Then the guy left.

Snake managed to get to the elevator, then he arrived to the ground.

There, he saw a Hind-D, so he crouched and called Campbell.

-"Coronel, whats a russian gunship doing here?" -Snake asked.

-"I dont know, but isnt that guy Gas over there?" -Campbell replied.

And then Snake saw Gas, who was going to board the Hind-D, he knew he was Gas because the guy was always farting. Then he received some calls from a cutie named Mei Ling, and Snake was trying to hit on her and something...

Gas flies away in the Hind and Snake gets on a Ventilation shaft, where he crawled for around an hour. Then he got a call from Master Miller.

-"Snake! Its been a long time! *fart*" -Master Miller said.

-"Master! What are you doing here?"

-"Im on a vacation with my wife and sons, *fart*"

-"You are not using burst transmision, are you nerby?"

-"Im in a nudist camp nerby, yeah, *fart*"

-"A nudist camp in Alaska? and with your sons? you are sick, and what was that?"

-"Eh.. my stomach.. it growled... *fart*

-"Actually it sounded like a fart..."

-"Anyway, *fart* do you see that mice? follow them" -Master switched out.

Snake followed the mice, who were stupidly waiting for him to advance.

After touching some mouse crap, Snake saw two guards below him, they were talking bout some good ideas.

-"The vent covers that leads to the DARPA chiefs cell are stupidly open" -A guard said.

-"Yeah, what an stupidity" -Another guard said.

-"Even knowing there are two intruders, one of them is using Stealth camouflage"

-"And whos the other one?"


-"Elvis?! Elvis Presley?!"

-"Yeah, now we must get back to work, hope anyone was hearing us" -And they left.

Snake finally got out of the vent shaft, then he received a codec call from Campbell.

-"Did you use the action button to drop down?" -Campbell was very clear.

-"...........And was it that supposed to mean?"

-"Theres an elevator that can take you to the DARPA chiefs cell, ah.. and if you see Elvis, ask him for an autograph."

Snake took a cardboard box and then he got into the elevator.

Then he arrived to the prison.

Snake got in the vent shaft again and crawled until he found something pretty funny, a guard filling his pants with crap.

-"Caught a damned cold, I hate Alaska, also I hate this fu***** sewer system, theres no water, so I have to crap in my pants..." -The guard said.

Snake took out a pencil and droped it into the Guards pants, the pencil fell with a big SPLAT, then Snake crawled again and he found a woman in one of the cells.

-"Is that a woman? not him.." -Snake thought -"The DARPA chief is black, and this woman is white... and the chief has black hair, and this girl has red hair... boy, almost twins..." -Snake said and he began to crawl again.

When Snake finally got in the DARPA chiefs cell, the guy started talking bout something called Metal Gear Crap, and the terrorist were going to launch a pig to the White House.

-"Can the terrorist launch a pig?" -Snake asked.

-"They need two passwords, I told them mines" -The chief replied.

-"You are a freakin idiot, but can they take the other password?"

-"Oh yes they can, my friend Kenneth Baker knows the other one, by the way, who are you?" -The DARPA chief asked.

-"Im Solid Snake"

-"No, really"

-"Im Elvis"

-"Can I have an autograph?"


-"Thats enough for me" -The DARPA chief said and then he died.

Snake called Campbell.

-"Coronel! What happened?!" -Snake asked.

-"It looked like a heart attack but..." -Naomi Hunter replied.

-"Im asking Campbell" -Snake said.

-"Oh, fu** you then" -Naomi switched off.

-"It looked like FOXDI... eh, I mean like a heart attack!" -Campbell informed.

-"Pretty cool radar you are using there, can you watch me when Im in the bathroom?" Snake asked.

-"Sure we can, but not now. The president of Arms Tech, Kenneth Baker is in the floor below, rescue him!"

Snake switched off and he called Master.

-"A heart attack? *fart*" -Miller asked.

-"Yeah, know something?" -Snake said.

-"No, *fart*, but I feel somethings wrong... *fart*"

-"It must be your stomach problem"

-"Maybe, now rescue Baker before he give the second password" -Miller said and he switched off.

Snake got out of the chiefs cell, but then he felt a gun cannon in his head.

It was a female Genome Soldier.

-"So you killed the chief, you bastard!" -The soldier said pointing her gun.

-"Actually Im not a bastard, Im Elvis" -Snake answered.

-"WHAT THE?! Can I have an autograph?"


-"Ok then I will kill you Elvis"

-"Your guns locked"


The soldier shooted at Snakes foot.

-"SHIT!! DARN!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" -Snake screamed in pain.

-"I wanted to be sure of the lock matter"

Then some soldiers began to shoot them, Snake took a droped SOCOM and kicked the crap out of the enemy.

The female soldier left.

Snake was going to follow her but a man in a trenchcoat appeared in front of him.

-"Good girl, just like that...." -The man said.

-"Man, you are a pervert"- Snake said.

-"Darn you idiot.." -And the man left.

Snake makes a codec call to Naomi.

-"I just have an hallucination" -Snake informed.



-"Fu** you Snake, you didnt me to give you info. now fu** you" -Naomi switched off.

Snake took the elevator again, when he arrived to the indicated floor, he received a codec call from Campbell again.

-"Some walls can be destroyed by using C4" -Campbell informed.

Snake took some C4, and he blew one of the fishy walls, then he found Baker, who was sticked in a pillar in the center of the room.

-"Am I too late?" -Snake asked.


-"Lets see" -Snake punched Baker in the nuts.


-"Phew.. Im just in time."

Then someone shooted at Snakes foot, but our hero jumped.

Then a man wearing a western-like trenchcoat and a revolver appeared.

-"So, you are the guy everyones talking about" -The guy asked.

-"Im Solid Snake"

-"Oh, sorry, I was talking bout Elvis..." -The guy replied.

-"Im Elvis then"

-"Cool, give me an autograph?"


-"Darn it, now do you know who am I?"

-"Special Operatios unit, Fox-Hound. Revolver Ocelot..? -Snake tried.

-"Dammit, well now... DRAW!!"

Snake and Ocelot took a piece of paper and began to draw.

-"Eh... *thinks* I droped my pencil into the guards pants, shit.." -Snake remembered.

-"Wasap?" -Ocelot asked.

-"Can I have your pencil?"

-"Sure Elvis"

Snake took the pencil and perfored Ocelots right hand with it.

-"AGH! CHEATER!!" -Ocelot screamed in pain.

-"Never trust Elvis" -Snake laughed.

Then someone cutted Ocelots hand, it was a strange guy in an exoeskeleton.

Ocelot took his hand and left.

Snake pointed his gun to the ninja guy.

-"Who are you?" -Snake asked.

-"Im like you, I have no name" -The ninja replied.

-"My names Solid Snake, and yours?"

-"Who the hell are you?" -The ninja asked.

-"Oh.. darn... Ok, Im Elvis" -Snake replied.



-"Dammit, anyway, well meet again" -Then he had to pee and he left.

Snake helped Baker and he asked him about what the hell was happening there.

-"Is your password safe?" -Snake asked.

-"No, I talked." -Baker replied.

(Snake punches Baker in the stomach)


-"He found your wishes?"

-"No idiot, he found my password!" -Baker said, and then he talked about some out of case things, *that Snake didnt listen*, after that, he died.

Snake calls Campbell.

-"Coronel! can you hear me?! now hes dead too!" -Snake exclamed.

-"Darn it, what an unlucky day..!" -Naomi said.

-"Im talking to Campbell get lost!"

-"Shit." -Naomi switched off.

-"I have no idea.. " -Campbell said.

-"Dont lie to me!"

-"Ok, Ill say the truth, I know who is Gas, and Im secrelty Big Boss, Im your father, also Im responsible for the Titanicsinking.

-"Give the answer to the heart attack matter"

-"I dont know it, anyway, find Otacon"

-"Who the hells Otacon?"

-"A guy who likes Japanese Animation, hes childish, an idiot, looks like a gay and he likes to piss his pants"

-"Something else?"

-"Ah! I forgot, he built Metal Gear Crap." -Campbell said and he switched off.

(Thats ok for now I hope. This is one of my first attempts of a funny story, so be gentle in your reviews. Any ideas to, Ill give you credits for your good ideas. Anyway, all flames are accepted, but I will use them to make one of Gas Snakes farts explode. Thanx! See ya!)