Author's Note: *shrugs* Can't resist. There are a lot of good ones that have come in lately. Get 'em while they're hot.
You know what? I originally posted this as a draw to get people to see my profile and read my novels, which I actually put time and effort into. It hasn't worked. *sighs forlornly and hopes someone catches the hint*
And the heck with the ban on lists. I've got all this saved elsewhere and I'm keeping it up until they catch me.
Enough comments, you're just here for the jokes ...
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How many Dursleys does it take to light a wand?
~None, How DARE you suggest a Dursley would be so ABNORMAL as to possess a wand, much less light it?? [by BlueSmurf21]

How many muggle's studies professors does it take to light up a wand?
~None, they use light bulbs to give you the authentic muggle experience. [by Ariana Deralte]

How many mirrors does it take to light up a wand?
~Fix your hair, scruffy, and I'll tell you. [by Ariana Deralte]

[Two from thistlemeg, who requests that I alert you to the fact that she knows they suck.]
How many Society for Slytherin Advancement members does it take to light up a wand?
~Oh, they can all do it, but it doesn't mean anyone but the Gryffindors will get any points for it.
A/n: *is flattered*

How many Prefects does it take to light up a wand?
~Why would they need to? It's not like they're ever in the Forbidden Forest at night or anything.

How many fanfiction reviewers does it take to light up a wand?
~If we could, we wouldn't be writing fanfiction, we'd be living it. [by "guess"]

How many flobberworms does it take to light a wand:
~They've been trying ever since they were born so they can set themselves alight and stop Ron poking lettuce down their throats.. [by Elanor]

[by burnin_rims]
How many Crabbe's does it take to light a wand?
~One, Ron with a polyjuice potion.

How many Voldemort's does it take to light a wand?
~One, but then his reign of darkness smothers it.

How many Gryffindor's does it take to light a wand?
~One, but when it goes out the whole house starts sobbing and muttering incoherently about how it was so brave and didn't deserve to go out this way.

(Continuation of previous joke.)
What happens when the light comes back?
Fudge: I refuse to accept it.

[Lots by Amara. Lots and lots.]
How many Mary Sues does it take to light up a wand?
~Her smile is enough to blind Great Britain.

How many Winkies does it take to light a wand?
~Bad Winky, Winky mustn't touch a wand, Winky must fret over poor Mister Bagman, Bagman! needing his Winky! no, no, Winky, mustn't touch the wand, bad Winky...

How many nosy reporters...?
~Only one, but they'd like to know your opinion on the Wand Lighting Statement in the newly added paragraph J of Clause 36 of the Restrictions on Underage Magic beforehand and, of course, rights to interviews with you once you get thrown in Azkaban for...er...whatever it is that they falsely accuse you of in the Daily Prophet.

How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand?
~One to hold her neck high and tell you exasperatingly that Any Proper Wizard Can Do It and You Should Have Learned It In First Year, one to cross her arms and tell YOU to do it if you're so clever, one to yell "No, no, NO, you're doing it all wrong!" one to correct your spelling ("Stop, stop, stop! It's LUmos, not luMOS!"), one to follow you around lecturing you on the IMPORTANCE of passing first year and tutting at not even knowing the LUMOS spell, one to finally roll their sleeves up and light the bloody wand, and one to beam as they earn five points for Gryffindor. (Amara: So that makes....*counts fingers*...ehm..... Hermione: *matter-of-factly* Seven. Amara: Oh, be quiet, you. Hermione: *hurt sniff*)

How many Ron Weasleys does it take to light a wand?
~Oh, what does it bloody matter? Hermione'll do it for me anyway. *faint pink tinge around ears*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[These are in-jokes. But I'm leaving them in just for kicks.]
How many raves does it take to light a wand?
~There'll only ever be one rave, but you'll have to find her first...perhaps she's knocking foaming mugs with somebody in the Three Broomsticks and adding raucous new lyrics to "I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep..."

How many Cassandra Claires does it take to light a wand?
She's too busy writing Draco Veritas on schnoogles, and anyway she *is* Muggle, although some of us do wonder...

How many Starlings does it take to light a wand?
~Alas, she's Muggle through and through, but she could draw it more superbly than it must look in real life.
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How many Mauraders does it take to light a wand?
~Sirius: Aw, why would we be doing that when we could be lighting up Snape's nose?

How many Dursleys does it take to light a wand?
~A wan--HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH A THING, YOU IMPUDENT CHILD???

How many Warner Brothers executives does it take to light a wand?
~Wand? Wand? Don't be silly, there's no such thing, it's just a -- hey, there's an idea! "Lumos Harry! His magic wand really lights up when you say 'Lumos' to him!" Yeah, yeah, that's good...now we'll have to worry about the rights, but...*walks away muttering sales pitches to themself*

How many poltergeists does it take to light a wand?
~Good grief!
A/n: I .. uh .. don't get it.

How many Stunningly Good Looking Teachers/Star Quidditch Players/Five Time Winners of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award/Conquestors of the Dark Arts does it take to light a wand?
~Good Lord, do you mean to tell me there's more than one?

How many Ministers of Magic does it take to light a wand?
~I...er...*wrings hands*...I don't...I mean...are you sure...we can't simply...that is to say...*breaks into sweat*...are we allowed to just...NOW SEE HERE, I CAN'T!!!

How many Argus Filches does it take to light a wand?
~*growl* Say that again, will you?

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand? ~None; it would tell his enemies exactly where he was.

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?
~Say, why do you want to know? *suspicious look* All right, out with it, who sent you? Voldemort? Voldemort? I KNEW IT!

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?
~What? Alastor Moody? Focus his concentration on his wand for more than a millisecond to utter the long and complex "Lumos" charm when he could be attacked by foes at any moment?

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?
~There's only one Moody 'round here now, and that's ME. *steadies wooden leg; leers* Nobody's cloning THIS man again.

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?
~I thought the Ministry agreed never to let him near a wand again after what he did to that poor woman last Easter...

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?
~Think you're funny, do you? Me, light a wand? Why, I could do it in the blink of an eye and you wouldn't know! Just like them what follows me around could slip poison into your dinner in the shake of a hand! Poison, I tell you! 'S'why I drink from my own flask all the time...you could take a few pointers from me, son...

How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand? (Okay...I'm getting a little bit obsessed here)
~One to check in the Foe Glass to make sure none o' the whites of their eyes are showing,; one to dial up the Ministry of Magic and tell them to send back-up squads; one to set up a magical barrier between himself and anyone who could possibly be in the room; one to inform the rest of the wizarding world that he is About to Light His Wand; one to toss a grizzled mane over his shoulder and look nonchalant; one to flick his magical eye about to sweep the room for intruders; one to spend months building a complicated device that can grab your wand from your belt without you having to lower your eyes and unfocus your attention ("CONSTANT VIGILANCE"...hey, yeah! One to shout "Constant Vigilance!"); one to turn Malfoy into a bouncing white ferret for the heck of it; one to pat a terrified Neville on the shoulders; one to announce once more to the wizarding world that he is Going to Light His Wand and he is Really Not Kidding; one to suck in his breath and dart his eyes around some more; one to knock out all of the back-up squads the Ministry sent for fear that Voldemort intercepted his call and they are Deatheaters in disguise; one to remember what he was doing in the first place after all the precautions; and one to drop his wand and announce that he's much too vigilant to spare time for lighting some stupid wand. Jeez.

["Thirteen corny jokes" from Clara Maplewood]
How many Divination Professors does it take to light up a wand?
Why would you worry about such a foolish pursuit as wand-lighting, my dears, when DEATH is circling nearer and nearer every day, and its senses could be honed on any one of you? *Falls into a prophetic faint*

How many Divination Professors does it take to light up a wand?
~Who cares? The darkness is good for the Inner Eye.

How many non-canon fanfiction writers does it take to light up a wand?
~Well, wait a minute...what if nobody ever asked how many non-canon fanfiction writers it takes to light up a wand?

How many beta readers does it take to light up a wand?
~Actually, if you want to be as accurate as possible, you probably shouldn't even ask, because it's not like it takes a great deal of magical knowledge or ability to light a wand. It's an elementary spell; Harry knew it as early as book 2, I think.

How many Rita Skeeters does it take to light up a wand?
~5: One to become an unregistered Animagus, one to spy on the good guys, one to enlist the aid of the bad guys, one to use the Quick-Quotes Quill to make everything sound scandalous, and one to be there when one of the good guys lights up the wand by using the Avada Kedavra curse on her.

How many Cho Changs does it take to light up a wand?
~None; we all know that she's too busy being a...a...a SCARLET WOMAN!!!

How many Cedric Diggorys does it take to light up a wand?
~*All Hufflepuffs and Cho Chang glare tearfully at Clara* That's low. That's really, really low.

How many Mary-Sues does it take to light up a wand?
~It depends on a lot of things: From which country is she an exchange student? How is she related to Harry? How is she the secret link between Harry and Voldemort? Which character falls madly in love with her? Which character picks her off gruesomely even though she doesn't deserve to die and has fought valiantly?

How many Durmstrang students does it take to light up a wand?
~Twenty-six; twenty-five to row the boat, and one to pretend he didn't use dark magic to light the wand.

How many Scabbers the Rats does it take to light up a wand?
~What are you talking about? Rats can't light wands. He'd have to be a wizard to do that. You're not a wizard...are you, Scabbers?

How many Barty Crouch Jr.s does it take to light a wand?
~*a Ministry of Magic official snatches said wand from Barty's listless grasp and slaps a subpoena at the author* You're in direct violation of International Council of Witchcraft and Wizardry Code 58763, Regulation 9086, Section 43.ii.673, Resolution 406300.355.mcxvii.....

How many Cornelius Fudges does it take to light up a wand?
~*Fudge gazes stubbornly at the table on which the wand lies.* There's no wand.
A/n: *snickers*

How many Peter Pettigrews does it take to light up a wand?
~Four; One to get the order from Voldemort, one to actually light the wand, one to make it look like Sirius lit the wand, and one to hide out with the Weasleys for eleven years.

[Some from justgottajump111, who was feeling residential for a while]
How many Gred's and Forge's does it take to light a wand?
~One- but don't ask which one he is, or you'll have a headache and a half

How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand
~Our resident over-achiever is currently incapable of wand-lighting because she foolishly took Polyjuice Potionwithout making sure she had Millicent Bullstrode's hair... and is currently covered in fur.

How many Professor Dumbledore's does it take to light a wand?
~Absolutely none. He simply has his resident former-death-eater-turned-Potions-Professor take part in this foolish wand-waving, to make him feel better for loosing out on the DADA job, AGAIN!!

How many Madame Pomfreys does it take to light a wand?
~Only one, but she has to take a vile-tasting potion that enables her to take part in wand-lighting ceremonies in order to do the majic.

How Many Infamous Trios (according to all those fanfic writers out there) does it take to light a wand?
~An Infinite Amount, because, according to said writers, they're too busy with thier little love triangles to do anything as complex as saying 'lumos'

How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?
~There's more than one!?!? Run for your life!

How many Ron Weasleys does it take to light a wand? (according to fanfic writers?)
~One, but he can only do it after complaining to all of Gryffindor house about how he feels like a third weel to Harry and Hermione's coupling.

How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand? (once again, according to all you fanfic writers?)
~An Infinite amount, because she's too busy choosing which Weasley guy or Harry or Krum she wants to do something as hard and complex and requiring as much research as saying the word 'lumos'

How many Harry Potters does it take to light a wand, as per these fanfic writers?
~One, since he's got plenty of time on his hands now that Ron and Hermione are a couple and he's all left out.

How many Draco Malfoys does it take to light a wand? (once again, as per fanfic writers) ~Only One, but he can only do it after serving the dark lord, making out with Hermione, realizing his secret passion to be Harry Potter's lover, and become best friends with Ron Weasley.

[By DangerMouse, whose handle I love]
How many Madame Pomfreys does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but it's a darn good thing she never asks how it got unlit in the first place.

How many Percys does it take to light up a wand?
~One, but he needs to write up a report on it first.

How many Olivers does it take to light up a wand?
~One, and he needs to do it quickly so he can get out to the Quidditch pitch before the sun comes up.

How many Lucious Malfoys does it take to light up a wand?
~None, and he denys any allegations that he was involved in wand lighting in the first place.

How many Azkaban prisoners does it take to light up a wand?
~They can't - it's just too depressing.

How many authors does it take to light up a wand?
~Depends on how many of them are actually witches and wizards!! [by Legolas' Princess]

How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
~None! Hardly any of them ever seem to do any REAL magic, unlike the Slytherins, who at least managed the killing curses! [by Phils]

How many Moodys does it take to light up a wand?
~ One, but he'll have to hex a dozen "attackers" first. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!) [by Semmel]

This ones a lightbalb one:
How many deatheaters does it take to screw in a lightbalb?
~None they don't know what one is. [by paperdoll]
A/n: Thanks for the forewarning.

How many Peter Pettigrews does it take to light up a wand?
~None his rat hands are too small to hald it. [by paperdoll]

How many Slyhterins does it take to light a wand?
~Who cares? Malfot's hot! [by Deely Bopper the Queen of all, who then apologized for misspelling Malfoy]

How many Ferrets does it take to light a wand?
one but it must be bounced first [by Albus Dumbledore]

How many Slytherins does it take to open the Chamber of Secret's?
~MALFOY: What are you talking about? That doesn't exist.
~CRABBE: *trys to laugh but chokes on drool*
~MALFOY: *slaps CRABBE'S back and turns into MOANING MYRTLE'S bathroom*
~MOANING MYRTLE: *wails* What are you doing in here? *and the floor by the bathroom floods with silver tears*
~ME: *turns to run away but runs into FILCH*
~FILCH: Well, well, well, what have we here? A student cutting class I presume. I think this warrants for a detention.
~ME: *runs past FILCH ignoring his screams to come back* Oh, Merlin, help me! [by Kayti]
A/n: This was not flattering in any way.

How many Mad-eye Moody's would it take to light up a wand?
~We don't know, because he's terrified it'll turn on him once he lights it. [by Crystal Cattail]

How many Azkaban excapes does it take to light a wand?
~One, but he has to make sure there are no dementors or ministry officials around because the light from the wand would get him caught. [by Kit Cloudkicker]

[Three by Argenteus Draco]
How many muggles does it take to light up a wand?
~Wand? Does that mean that wizards really exist?! *memory charm hits them full in the face* Merry Christmas!

How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
~Just one, but it has to be either Hermione or a Head Boy/Girl. Did anyone notice how they're *always* Gryffindors...

How many Harry Potter over-obesseres does it take to light a wand?
~Depends on how many of them have a *real* wand and how many of them just carry sticks with them pretending.

How many flamers does it take to light up a wand?
You'd think they'd be able to manage it, but they're to busy annoying people with their illiteracy and touchiness. [by Cassandra Anthemyst]

How many hogwarts caretakers does it take to light up a wand?
WHY do you have to keep rubbing in his face the fact that he's a squib? he's not that far on the kwikspell course yet! don't you have anything better to do that torment that poor, troubled soul? [by Cassandra Anthemyst]

[A bunch from Hank Riddle, who said he'd love me forever if I only acknowledged him. Erm.]
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?
~One. But then again, Hermione's not IN Ravenclaw, IS she?

How many Dumbledores does it take to light a wand?
~One, but only if Fudge disapproves.

How many Veritaserum potions does it take to light a wand?
~One, and that's the truth!
(Corny. Very corny.)
A/n: But oh, how we love our corn!

How many post-CoS Lockharts does it take to light a wand?
~Wand? Haven't got a wand. That boy does though, he'll lend you one. (Or however that phrase he says at the end of CoS goes)

How many post-CoS Lockharts does it take to light a wand?
~What's a wand?

How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?
~None. The teachers will give them credit for it anyway.

How many Mary Sues does it take to light a wand?
~Who needs a wand when her smile blinds half of Britain?

How many gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?
One,but he has to be brave enough! [by JjOoSsHh]
A/n: Very clever, Josh!

How many Crookshanks does it take to light up a wand?
Why would he need to light a wand? Cats can see in the dark!!!! [by Eyra Dragonsworth]

[By Shaman Nameless One, "hopping onto the bandwagon"]
How many Marauders does it take to light a wand?
- Four, no wait, one's dead. Three, no wait, one's evil. Two, no wait, one's running from the Ministry of Magic.... ONE!! (As long as it isn't a full moon)

How many Quidditch Players does it take to light a wand?
- Chaser 1 passes it to Chaser 2 but no! It's intercepted by Enemy 1 and passed to Enemy 2! Wait! The Seeker has grabbed the wand and performed the Lumos spell! That is it! Game over!

How many fanfic authors does it take to light a wand?
- Wand? I have a wand? I'm going to Hogwarts!!!! **runs off yelling spells**

How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?
- Why light it when you can make dead people emerge from the end?

[Bunches by Godforsaken]
How many Mrs. Weasleys does it take to light up a wand?
-One Mrs. Weasley, but she'll go through seventy-four fake wands before she finds her real one.

How many really bad, cliche-oriented fanfic authors does it take to light up a wand?
-Why would the author do it if her perfect, "highly original" Mary Sue can do it for her?

How many vampires does it take to light up a wand?
-*Hermione's answer* It is not within a vampire's capability to actually light a wand as they have a completely different brand of magic, yet being highly clever beings it is quite simple for them to create the illusion of lighting a wand with their mind, although they probably wouldn't do that as light hurts their eyes, and if they are very powerful they can merely cause the nearest bystander to internally combust... *a group of angry vampires hanging out at the nearest vampire bar suck Hermione dry for spilling too much about them and besides, they were hungry.*

How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?
-let's see...Harry lights it in a brave a daring fashion, Hermione spends the week beforehand teaching him how to do it properly, Ron complains about not being able to do it properly himself, Fred and George to make incredibly corny jokes about it, Ginny to fawn over Harry's great accomplishment, Lee Jordan to have his dreadlocks catch on fire, Alicia Spinnet to put Lee's dreadlocks out, Katie and Angelina to laugh flirtatiously at Fred and George's bad jokes, Neville to try it on his own and blow himself up, and the resident Mary Sue to faint at the sight of fire. So...let's see, that's...twelve.

How many Professor Snapes does it take to light up a wand.
-Professor Snape disapproves of anything to do with "foolish wand-waving". If need be, he can add sodium to water and watch it go up in flames; it has a "subtle beauty" that way.

how many mary-sues does it take to light a wand?
one, but first she'll smile that oh-so-bright smile of hers, atract all the guys in gryfindor AND slytherin, help the infamous trio fight he-who-must-not-be-named, get people to look at hufflepuffs w/ some respect, get a higher grade than hermione, and she'll do all this, plus light the wand, while having imense pain in the half-moon scar she's had on her forehead since she was 1year old. [by One-Winged Butterfly]

[Some from Nicole Kaylns]
Q: How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?
A: One, after narrowly escaping the Dark Lord himself, saving the school from being turned into stone, avoiding a concieted DADA teacher *coughLockhart*, narrowly escaping the Dark Lord yet again, and mourning over the loss of a brave Hufflepuff (though secretly celebrating now that a certain competitor for Cho is out of the picture...)

A: The whole house. One to look up how to light it and give a long drawn out explination on how important wand-lighting can be to the average wizard, one to complain about how he never gets to be the star of anything and sulk (though in the end he will make up with his best friend), one to light it and receive the winning house points for it, and the rest of the house to cheer and throw their hats into the air at the amazing accomplishment

A: Just one, but he has to be tormented by Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle first.

A: As many as you think it takes to say *Lumos*

A: Three particulars. One (Colin) to hold the wand, one (Hermione) to perfectly annunciate (sp?) the word *Lumos* and one (Neville) to accidentally drop the wand, forcing the said 3 to begin the process again.
A/n: Enunciate.

A: One, Hermione must light the wand, then get 112% for doing it. (Check the %, i'm not sure if its correct).

How many Pop-ups does it take to light up a wand?
~I don't know, but I'm getting sick of them trying. [by Someone]
A/n: Preach it, brother.

How many Fudges does it take to light up a wand?
~Only one, but he'll only believe it if its in writing. *Voldemort comes in hands Fudge a piece of paper that says 'Voldemort must become the Minister of Magic and all Mudbloods and Muggles must die!' Fudge then goes off killing people after he says 'All right then'* [by Someone]

[Three from "Mrs. Oliver Wood"]
How many Slytherin's does it take to light up a wand?
~One...to glare at it evilly...and the wand lights up out of fear.

How many JKR's does it take to light up a wand?
~One...and she'll make millions off of it!

How many Lord Of The Rings' characters does it take to light up a wand?
~What the...sorrie wrong fanfic!

How many DADA teachers does it take to light a wand?
-5.One to offer it chocolate,one to sign it,one turn it into a ferret,one to turn it back,and one to actually light it. [by PurplePhoenix]