"Carrot and oyster pie" or else "Joker's wishlist"

(I am a huge discworld fan, and especially of its most preeminent sex expert, Nanny Ogg. I also happen to have Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, from which I can accurately serve you with a hefty helping of one of her most controversial and debated dishes, the famous Nanny-Ogg's-Carrot-and-Oyster-Pie. I hope you enjoy the tribute!)

Mess hall was packed today. Everybody had come to witness –and taste- a monumental and rare event, the Commander's cooking. Bets had been taken down and arguments were flying high on both sides, especially as to whether her cooking would taste more like ass than Mess Sergeant Gardner's. Said Mess Sergeant, the Commander and Jack had been locked up in the kitchen since their last visit to the Citadel, during which there was a mysterious going back and forth, to and fro the Zakera Café and other, less reputable, and far more exotic places… although Gabby had never said a word about it afterwards, she was reported to having cried for 3 and a half hours in Kenneth's arms and then having dragged him down to Jack's lodgings in the cargo hold and …. Well, let's just say that Kenneth's fourth day in bed looks slightly more promising, and having the guilt-stricken Gabby pamper to his every need all the time is a sure-fire indication that he'll be back up on his feet again in no time.

When the Commander had announce the absolutely secrecy of the mission and that she'd be accompanied by Jack, the person with the lowest cooking score and the highest impatience rating aboard the Normandy, almost everyone was certain about the monumental failure this meal would be. Only Kasumi had said something cryptic, along the lines of "never judge by its cover" and had muttered away to her chambers, thoughtfully. When asked about it, Shepard had surreptitiously replied "I don't need Jack's cooking skills, I need her tough-ass biotics". Since that announcement, Mordin had been intently absorbed by his attempt to thwart Shepard's surprise plan by managing to beforehand reveal the contents, ratios and possibility of culinary success of her intended meal, but had met with increasing failure and frustration so far. Grunt was solemnly and silently bouncing the door to the kitchen and, as ordered, occasionally went off to a mysterious destination to return with the odd tiny package, that Jack's hand grabbed through a crack in the doorframe before hurriedly shutting the door tight again.

Everybody's mood was at the peak of its curiosity and, despite the fact that many had pre-stashed a cold sandwich somewhere in their lockers, almost everyone, humans and aliens alike, was eagerly anticipating the dreaded meal. Thane had nonchalantly commented "Come on, it's just a meal, how bad can it be?" a comment that was met with quite a few glares and many knowing shakes of the head.

Only Joker was smugly happy and content, safe in the knowledge that the Commander had promised him something very special, made only for him, and something that he had been pining for, a long time now. So it wasn't much of a surprise that he had arrived first, occupied the most prominent seat, the one directly overlooking the kitchen door, and was sitting there cross-legged and cross-armed waiting seemingly patiently with a wide self-satisfied grin on his face. Garrus dropped by and sat facing him, resting his head on his palm thoughtfully.

"Rhetorical question, Joker" he said in a level voice, "but what if the Commander's special Joker dish tastes worse ass than Sarge's?"

Joker shrugged and grinned "I've got a cold sandwich packed in my locker."

Garrus grimaced thoughtfully, nodded, said a brief "Fair enough" and left.


Jack peeks out of a crack on the open door at the crowd outside.

"Shepard," she turns to the steam engulfed figure behind her, "if this meal ain't edible enough for them, you're facing mutiny, that's all I'll say."

She turns and peeks through the crack again.

"And, as intended, I can see Joker sitting on his smug ass right in the frown row. Lucky bugger…"

She suddenly raises an eyebrow, scratches her head and turns to the Commander again.

"Say…" she starts casually "you think it'll work on Garrus? Physiological differences taken in consideration?"

The Commander shrugs in preoccupied concentration and mutters "I wouldn't be surprised if it did". She stops and stares at the wall a bit, before returning to her cooking "Honestly Jack, I think this thing would even work on Legion."

Jack laughs at the thought. "We should probably let EDI know then" she starts before being cut off by a disembodied voice.

"Thank you for the recommendation Jack, I shall keep it in mind. I always like having all possibilities open."

Jack raises an eyebrow glaring upwards momentarily, before muttering "Are you done already Commander, cause the crowd is getting restless out there."

Shepard nods "Yes I think it's all ready now, Jack. Let's see if we've got a mutiny tomorrow…"

Jack opens the door wider and nods at Grunt, muttering to herself "Tomorrow? If it doesn't work we'll have a rogue pilot today…"


The meal was an unimaginable success. The courses were all human food, admittedly, but nobody objected, and even Tali ate a second helping of custard dumplings with banananana surprise without complaining about her figure. Joker was personally served by the Commander, to everybody's surprised curiosity, and his own secret pride and delight. She had, indeed, made him a traditionally prepared pie, spicy gravy and all, which he grudgingly had to share with Garrus, at Jack's very, very urgent insistence. Even then, he had a full three helpings of the pie, let alone two platefuls of everything else. He finished his meal a good half hour after everybody had already started feeling bloated and full and had departed at various speeds to their quarters. To his amazement, Garrus had been one of the first to depart, having given a hasty excuse about temperature that Joker was too preoccupied to notice, with Jack grinning impishly right on his heels. Joker was a happy man. He arrived to his quarters in a blissful mood, despite the fact that there was obviously something wrong with the environmental controls, it was getting considerably warmer in here…

"Shepard said I should go see her, after the meal" he thought lazily. "Nah. Sleep time – Shepard can wait…"


Commander Shepard was still unsure about the meal's success, but she trusted Nanny… According to her, I wouldn't be long now… she had tried beeping Garrus' quarters but someone had fumbled the com shut real hastily so she thought it wise to wait till later. She re-arranged her negligee in a more enticing fashion, sat back and absentmindedly picked up the Cookbook again.

"Not long now…" she started counting under her breath.

5

…..

4

…..

3

…..

2

The door was suddenly very forcefully shoved open and banged on the opposite wall, making the hinge mechanism groan under the strain.

Shepard grinned inwardly. "Bingo", she thought in delight.

Joker was at the door, half standing, half supported by the doorframe, sweating and looking all flustered, a faint steam emanating from his body.

"Shepard." He dictated, panting heavily. "What did you feed me."

The muscles that showed under his sweaty tee-shirt were twitching to an unknown tension, and glistened sleekly as he purposefully strode forwards, banging the door to the Captain's cabin shut behind him. He addressed the grinning woman on the bed.

"Unnngnn, …. Hnngn!" he grunted wordlessly as he reached the foot of the large bed.

He looked at the Commander laying on the bed provocatively, grinning up at him victoriously, faint images of Dr. Chakwas smiling and nodding at him encouragingly at dinner flashing in his head, and the whole plot suddenly became as clear as it could get in his foggy and over-excited mind.

"You're all in on this together" he muttered. Shepard nodded happily, reaching to his belt.

"I'll do you for that" he said and, quickly reaching behind his back, pulled his tee off, feeling his bones strain.

"Just tell me one thing" he mumbled with forced eloquence, "what did you feed me?"

Shepard placed her hands inside his trousers, and run them around his bare thighs, pulling them downwards, her eyes glinting at the sight.

"Nanny Ogg's famous Carrot-and-Oyster pie. With extra devil spice." She said, looking upwards, "Carrots so you can see in the dark, and oysters so you have something worthwhile to look at."

Joker lowered his head and groaned "I guess it's my fault, telling you it's been forever since…"

Shepard nodded and turned the lights off. "Entirely", she said and gently pulled him closer._