STARGATE SG1 - Trespass
Sam's perspective from "In the Line of Duty"

By Julia Reynolds
Julia@wrenlea.demon.co.uk

DISCLAIMER:
Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom,
MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This piece has
been written for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has
exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended.


'If they could see my eyes as they should be, they'd see the tears and they'd see the pain. But they don't. They see the coldness, which isn't mine, they see the emotions which have been stolen from me.'



oOo

What's happening to me? Oh God! Everything's so loud! Noises! Screaming! The explosions are ringing in my ears. The pitch of the screeching ships above my head more acute somehow. The blood dries on my mouth, a taste of salt lingering across my lips.

What the hell just happened? I feel like panicking, the unfamiliar surge is uncomfortable, and then something else.

I'm looking through the eyes of another. The images are familiar and yet seem strange. A voice calling my name. I recognise it. There is strength in the voice. I know who it is. Strength and reassurance. I look, startled, into his eyes. I feel disorientated somehow. He's concerned, his eyes flicking to the stain of red which trickles down my chin. He goes to lift the man on the ground. He tries to help him. Inside I know he's dead. I also know that I know him. And yet I don't believe that I can. There is a pain at the separation. What separation? I can't understand what I'm feeling.

I can hear my voice protesting, explaining why there's blood, lying. I want to tell him that everything's not all right. The sound is hollow, not coming from me and yet it is. I don't seem to have control over anything that I say. God, this is so weird. I'm trying to struggle with myself, make some sort of sense of the confusion, my eyes taking in the scenes in front of me. Why? I should know all this, and yet there is a feeling of strangeness, of an unknown.

This person, this friend, grabs my arm and pulls me, stumbling towards the Stargate. He's called Jack, I keep repeating to myself until the entity realises it too. I know this is where I want to go and I can feel the other part of me, the stranger within me, wanting it too. We're in harmony and yet we're so apart.

oOo

The room on the other side is strange. I'm glad when the two men, who helped me through the gate let go. 'Jack, Teal'c'. I know their names. And Daniel. I want to be alone, need to be alone. I'm so afraid. This change, this transformation. What is it? So much to take in. I know who I am, I know that I belong here and yet there's confusion within me. These people, these men, they're my friends. My heart's yearning to explain what I'm feeling and yet the eyes which look out aren't mine - and somehow they are.

Jack asks me if I'm all right. I know what I must say, instinctively, to keep his suspicions at bay. My other self knows it too. I feel the need to survive along with the other being. But I want to warn them, warn my friends, so badly that it hurts. I'm struggling. The other self is desperate to stay alive. It holds me back from screaming out to them that something has changed. I know that the change is dangerous and yet the presence within me is trying to calm me, to reassure me.

God, how can I be reassured? Nothing can reassure me about this...this thing which has happened. This wasn't supposed to happen today. We were just on a simple mission. Things like this don't happen to me. They happen to others, like Kowalski. Fear is like a tight grip around my throat. I remember Kowalski.

I see through the eyes of another and the images are familiar and yet foreign. A mixture of sights, a strange assortment of sound. It's as though I'm hearing some of them for the first time. I feel a sense of wonder as the being inside me sorts out the information. But it's the being's wonder, not mine. I need to find a place to think.

oOo

The debriefing is hard. I stay silent because the being within me won't let me talk. But I feel that I want to speak, and the other self holds me back. I'm not in control anymore and it hurts. God it hurts so bad. It hurts more than a physical pain. Deeper somehow. Harder to bear.

God, what's happening to me? I can feel the sobs rising deep inside and yet they don't happen.

If they could see my eyes as they should be, they'd see the tears and they'd see the pain. But they don't. They see the coldness, which isn't mine, they see the emotions which have been stolen from me. The being is strong. It takes my own strength and wraps itself around me. I feel at once that I'm suffocating and breathing at the same time.

I hear the presence within me talking to my friends. It uses my voice to deceive them but it's making mistakes. Oh God, I want them to realise, so that they can stop this creature from taking everything away from me. I see Teal'c look at me, his face is full of surprise and hurt. Yes, I can see the hurt. I see Jack and Daniel look at me strangely. I know that what my other self said was foolish, words crafted from its own lifetime and its own knowledge. I feel my eyes drawn to Teal'c. An understanding conveyed to the alien life-form within. Yes, this Jaffa rebelled. This Jaffa is not what he seems. The thought floats in my own mind and then is digested by the being, which is gradually invading my system, winding itself around inside me.

Jack tells me I must report to the sickbay. I know that this might be a chance for Janet to realise something has happened to me, but the other self realises too. I can't have a private thought anymore. My whole self is exposed and vulnerable. It's so clever, this creature, so cunning, and yet somehow I'm not afraid. There's no malevolence there, only desperation. I wish I understood it better. But I'm desperate. Please help me. Someone.

It shouldn't have punched Jack on the shoulder like that. I'd never do that. The being within me is alarmed by my reaction but it's strong in itself. It only needs to bide its time and then it's going to escape. I'm feeling panic. If it leaves here I'll never come back. I've never felt fear like this. A fear of being taken from where I belong, without the voice to say goodbye, or beg for help, and a fear of being a prisoner. A prisoner within my own body. My body. How much longer will it be mine?

oOo

Janet notices that my throat is sore. She takes a swab. A feeling of relief wells up in me, but Janet just tells me that if it gets worse, to report back. I sense the being is pleased with the subterfuge. My heart sinks. I wish my eyes could convey my thoughts, but the alien is so strong now. So strong.

Why can't I speak? Why can't I warn them? My voice is silent and yet my voice is heard. But it's not me. It's not me saying these things. I thought I was getting more in control, but instead there are periods of time when I almost black out. And yet I stay on my feet. When I see things again, I find myself doing things I have no control over.

oOo


My God, Cassandra! She knows. I'm holding her tightly. The being inside me is warm and means her no harm. Then, she backs away from me, her eyes registering horror. I hear my voice, the being's voice. "Cassandra, what is it?" And then it knows.

No! Don't hurt her! I scream inwardly, willing the alien with all my might to leave her alone. It's a Goa'uld. I know that now. Cassandra pulled away because she knows. She realises and so do I. The name Goa'uld causes me discomfort somehow. The alien's warning me, letting me know it doesn't want to be known by that name. I want to know more about why but it shuts me out suddenly. A glimpse at what I've become, and then nothing. My frustration is ignored.

I'm not sure whether I can influence the other self any more, my strength to hold on is failing, my mind no longer as strong as it was at the beginning. Oh sure, my body is stronger, but it's not mine anymore. Not mine. It allows me small glimpses of what's happening and then somehow...somehow it shuts me out. I watch Cassandra's face and see the fear there and I die inside.

I know that someone is looking for the thing, which is inside me. I can sense the apprehension in the being as we walk through the hospital. I am frightened and resigned all at once. The being is becoming more invasive. My system is as involved with it as it is with me. I'm frightened that soon the entity will take over completely and that I will be left a mere shell for it to dwell in. The me I knew, the Sam Carter, will soon be gone. My memories the only remaining part of my life, shut away in a box somewhere for the alien to access when necessary. And I feel regret and I feel such loss. I wanted to go through more Stargates. This was my dream. Since I'd been a child. I'd reached it. I wanted it more than anything and I had it. I wanted to have a life.
I have an overwhelming sense of desolation. But the sobs are silent and unseen. Only the other side of me knows how it is.

oOo


I can hear myself shouting at Daniel and Teal'c.
I see the hurt which registers on Daniel's face and the surprise. I try mentally to say sorry but my other self has a purpose over which I have no control. I feel finally that I'm the passenger along for the ride. It's like being behind a window which is dark and looking out. It's like banging on the window and nobody hearing. If only they knew. If only they ever knew I was still here. Maybe they never will. I can't face that.

The gate-room is empty and I feel agitation rising in the creature. Jack walks in and tells everyone the mission is postponed. I feel the frustration from the alien and then I taste the fear. It's a fear, which I imagine only an animal can feel when it's caged, trapped with no way out. I know how the creature feels.

The pain is sharp. I look with horror at Jack and realise that he knows. The being within me reacts violently and uses my training to its advantage. I don't want to lash out like that. I see Jack hit the floor and I know that the grenade held in my hand, will be used if the alien isn't allowed through the gate. I want to shout at them. Shout at them that this isn't me, and then I see it in Jack's eyes. The knowledge that I'm no longer in control. The fear of what I've become and what will be the final end. Daniel looks so surprised that it hurts me to look at his eyes. They all stare at me as if I'm a demon which I suppose I am now. I silently scream as a dart hits my leg. My strength is gone and yet this creature holds me up. It won't let go. It's fighting until the bitter end. And then I feel its anger and its rage at being thwarted. It's frightening. Then there's this welcome darkness.

oOo

My eyes are opening slowly. At first I feel like myself. I have a brief second of wondering if it was all a dream. But it's a cruel illusion.
What I'm seeing is controlled by the alien. I can feel the total control now. It somehow gets me to my feet and stands still. I can see the cell, the security lasers which criss-cross the entrance like a spiders' web. I mentally warn my other self that there is no point in trying to escape. The acknowledgement is swift but sensitive.

I watch as Jack enters the room, his face ashen, his eyes hollow. He can hardly look at me. My heart flies out to him and the pain he must be feeling, but the alien swallows me back, sending any feelings I might have for my friends back into the abyss. It takes the memories it wants and hides the rest, a true parasite, taking only what's useful and discarding the rest. But what of me? I've tried to ask it before. I've got a lifetime of memories. I'm unique and yet it's swallowing me up. I'm trying to fight it. God, I'm trying to fight it. If only they knew.

Jack's words are harsh. He doesn't trust the person he sees before him, me. I know the alien is talking back to Jack but in its own voice now. I've become absorbed and I'm no longer required for anything other than a body, a host. I remember Kowalski again and it terrifies me.

'Tell him that I do not lie' it whispers suddenly in my thoughts. 'I will give you one chance.'

Suddenly I'm looking through my own eyes again and for one last time my voice is my own. For a brief instance the alien has withdrawn but I know the absence is temporary. I clutch at the chance and move forward. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes as I see him walk away, the pain registering in his eyes at leaving me. He thinks I'm gone and he's dying inside because of what happened before, to Kowalski.

"Oh God, he's telling you the truth. Please Jack." I'm sure I see him hesitating and then he bangs on the door for the guard to open it.
"No, Jack please. Don't leave me. Please, give me a chance. Don't leave me like this. Please." I'm begging, desperate. I know the alien won't let me try again. I watch Jack leave. He hesitates but his eyes never look back.

If only he would have turned to me, he might have seen his friend once more and believed me. The alien pulls in the reins and I feel like I'm falling, swallowed into the black hole, which has been prepared for me. I can hear the being's voice "What will it take?" and my heart sinks. They have to believe it. They have to. I'm dying inside. Soon there will be little left of me to salvage. My memories. That's all. What about what makes me who I am? What about what makes me Sam Carter? Does anyone care anymore?

oOo


I wonder if I can help this creature and then I can help myself. I know it promised Jack that it would leave my body, find another host if they let it go. I pray for the release. It needs to talk to Teal'c. It understands. Teal'c walks in, his face composed. He no longer accepts that I exist. He faces the alien within me. I feel like a lost child, ignored and abandoned by its friends. I almost withdraw into the shell which is now my home. As Teal'c leaves the room I sense a feeling of triumph well up inside me, and yet it's not mine, it belongs to my invader. At last I have something to call this being. Tok'ra.

Daniel stands there. His eyes lowered as he always does. He looks like a small, embarrassed child. The feeling of protectiveness is overwhelming. He doesn't know how to look at me and not see his friend. He can't cope and it's hurting him. The alien is curious. It wants to understand how he alone hasn't come to see me. I don't need his answer. I know he can't face it. When he says he's sorry to me I can feel a change within the alien. I can feel the entity's confusion. Why? Hasn't it ever felt a depth of feeling called friendship, in the time it had spent in its hosts? There is a change in the entity somehow. It feels something resembling sorrow at what it's done to me and what it's doing to my friends.

oOo

Fear. Overriding fear. The hunter is going to come. Mute resignation that its time has come. I want to help us. I want to explain to Jack that he should listen, but it's no use.

My feelings are so tied up with those of my parasite that I can't wrestle one from the other. I seem to be suspended between two minds. Mine is the filing cabinet, neatly stacked with all that is about Samantha Carter. The alien has stolen the rest. My emotions, myself. It is all that I am and all that I ever would be. Now it belongs to the parasite inside me.

The hunter stands before me. The Ashrak. My eyes see him as a man but I know he's not. The creature inside me is resigned to death. It soothes me, tries to tell me that it will try to release me. It's sorry. It holds onto me tightly. I can't break free. It reassures me that when the pain is over I can go.

Oh my God, the pain! I've never felt pain like this before. My head feels like it's bursting. A deep pain. Excruciating. Intense. Regret tinged with a feeling that somehow the being has triumphed in some noble way. Its strength is fading and with it, mine. I can't hold on anymore. Perhaps it's better this way. I couldn't bear to be trapped forever inside myself. The darkness, which finally swallows me is welcome.


oOo


I can hear the voices around me. Vague echoing sounds. There's pressure on my chest. Intense pressure. I can't react. I can't talk. I don't know where I am, only that I'm still alive somehow. I can feel the presence within me but it's silent now. I can't hang on to life any longer. Death seems like a welcome release from the pain and my body is weak. So weak. I realise that it's my body which is being kept alive somehow but the alien is struggling.
I should be pleased. Shouldn't I? It invaded me, took my body and turned it into something I no longer recognised. I should hate it, loathe it. But I feel such sorrow at its hurt. It's a part of me now, and a part of me is dying.

I feel a separation start to run through me. Vague at first, and then stronger. It doesn't want to die. And yet it doesn't want me to die. It never meant for this to happen. It has to choose between us. I can feel a soothing, a soft whispering. It reassures me that all will be well soon. The pain will pass. It tells me how sorry it is for what it has done to me. And I know it's telling the truth. My mind is playing images of things I don't know about or understand. And yet they now seem to be a part of me, of what I am, have become.

The dying, the passing away of the creature inside me is painful. It's not a physical pain. It hurts, deeper than I could believe something could.

I tell them that the parasite died for me and they look as if they don't believe me. At least, that's what they look like through the mist forming across my eyes. My mind is foggy. They want to believe I won, that I was strong enough to get rid of the alien, but I know I could never have sent it away myself. It made a choice to save me. How do you tell your friends something like that? I want to be grateful to be alive but I'm overwhelmed by sadness.


oOo


My body is trying to absorb what is left of the alien. I hurts so badly. A mental scarring which is taking its toll on me. I can't talk to the others. I've lost something, which for a brief moment in time became a part of me. Was me. It knew everything about me. It knew things that perhaps even I don't know. It...no I know its name. It deserves a name. Jolinar of Malk-shur. Jolinar saved me. Saw something in my life, my friends and their caring for me, to save me, to sacrifice itself for me. I should feel honoured that it chose me to live over itself but I feel a deep sadness, a deep sorrow. I can't separate the pain of its death from the pain I'm feeling. I guess I'm mourning. I can't even turn to look at Daniel when he comes in, bless him. I know they all care and I want to talk to them. But I can't...not yet. I feel too empty, too hollow inside to talk about it. There's so much to understand, so much to absorb. Maybe one day.

I feel Cassie's hand on my arm, trying to turn me. I feel disorientated, but I let her turn me to face her. Her words, her softness, her love all overwhelm me. Her love is simple, not taking anything from me but giving. I can feel a softening within. I know that she's right and that I'm going to be okay but it's going to take time. They have to give me time.
Jolinar knows that and so do I.



END