When Lindsay first started hanging out with them-for real, weaseling her way into the group and not just making stupid conversation with Daniel in the hallway and leaving quickly before Kim had the chance to give her a good and proper stay the fuck away from my boyfriend or your face will be squash speech or a why are you such a freaking nerd who has to ruin the curve all the time speech—-Kim worried a little bit because Daniel looked at Lindsay like she was some sort of challenge.
(It didn't really matter. Daniel usually gave up on challenges.)
Then she started worrying because he stopped.
Everyone knew Nick was crazy when it came to girls. And he wasn't just crazy, he became a complete psycho. It happened every single time.
Kim thought it was kind of nice, though. Sometimes. Sweet, even. The way he'd talk about the girl constantly and say stupid cliché things, throwing out compliments that didn't even make sense (Her eyes are so…like…brown. I haven't ever seen eyes that brown before. They're like…dark chocolate. I would eat them.) But at least Kim knows that he thinks about the girl—-lately it's been Lindsay, which is even more annoying. She doesn't need him scaring Lindsay off. She actually likes Lindsay now, which she thought was impossible—-that he cares, that she's the center of his whole tiny, pathetic, stoned world.
It would be nice if just once she could be that girl for Daniel. For anyone.
(Kim's learned that she can't be too picky.)
She thought Millie was really cool.
Yeah, Kim started trying to be friends with her out of guilt—-because she killed Goliath and didn't even stop the car, like she was some self-centered asshole—-but Millie turned out to be a lot of fun. She used words like nifty and didn't understand half of what Kim was saying but nodded along vigorously like she did anyway. She would talk a lot about God and Jesus and school and gossip about the mathletes when she was nervous and didn't know what else to say.
After Kim told Millie she ran over Goliath she stopped hanging out with her—-there really was no point to any of it anymore. The need for repentance sort of vanished, the guilt from hiding it disappeared. And only half the amount of guilt wasn't enough for Lindsay to put up with Millie offering to buy her ice cream sundaes instead of making out with Daniel in the backseat of his car.
But sometimes she wishes there was someone besides Lindsay to corrupt, someone who would fiddle with the radio when Kim was in a generous mood and put on a station old people-like her mom or probably Mr. Rosso-listen to and sing at the top of her lungs.
There are moments every single day when Kim realizes she is turning into her mother.
Like when she turns on the air-conditioning in the car sometimes instead of rolling down the windows. Or when she takes an extra long time looking at her outfit in the mirror at some scummy convenient store-—because she swears to god if that loser freshman spilled pop on her jacket and it doesn't come out she's going to beat their ass. Or when she puts butter on her waffles after drenching them in maple syrup instead of before.
But those things aren't the (most) terrifying.
Not in comparison realizing her mother yells at her grandmother over the phone-—when they actually talk (Kim's mother usually slams the the phone down after picking up and hearing Kim's grandmother start to speak). That her mom isn't the only one begging her grandmother for money. Knowing her mother ditched class and got the same grades as she does and never got anywhere at all. Never dared to dream about a life outside this stupid town.
Knowing her relationship with Daniel is exactly like the one her mother had with her father.
It sucks that only the worst sayings like we all turn into our parents are true.
She had dreams. Once.