Author's Note: I've done dialogue fics before, but this is by far the longest. I just kept getting carried away and adding more stuff to it. There's a reason I like these kinds of stories. Just because it takes more use of imagination and you can make it be like whatever you want. I had fun writing this, and I hope you have just as much fun reading it. Oh, and I'm new to this fandom so I hope I kept Hank and Evan in character.

Summary: Hank and Evan have a little chat one night, about giant radioactive space-spiders. Brotherly fluff.

Disclaimer: I seriously own nothing you recognize here. Not even the spiders. I hate those things even more than Evan does. :)


"Hank. Are you awake?"

"No."

"How 'bout now?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No, Evan."

"Are you awake now?"

"No! Now be quiet, please."

"But I have something to ask you."

"It can wait 'til morning."

"No, it can't. It's an emergency question. It's like super important."

"Is it about HankMed and it's financial life?"

"No."

"Then I don't wanna hear it."

"I can make it be about HankMed if you want. The topic ties in quite nicely, now that I think of it."

"Evan?"

"Yeah?"

"Shutup."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"...Hey, Hank?"

"..."

"Hank."

"..."

"Haaaaank."

"..."

"Henry!"

"What, Evan?"

"...I just wanted to tell you that I loved you."

"I love you, too. Now go to sleep."

"Can I just ask you somethin' really quick?"

"Evan, I'm already letting you stay in my room. In my bed, no less. The least you can do is be quiet. I have to get up early."

"It kind of has something to do with that..."

"And if you don't stop poking me, you're gonna be sleeping on the floor."

"Nuh-uh. No way. Not the floor. There are spiders are on the floor."

"Evan, the spiders are not gonna kill you, alright?"

"The one in my room did! Well, it didn't kill me, 'cause obviously I'm right here and I'm still alive-"

"Ugh."

"But that doesn't mean it didn't try to!"

"Maybe you wouldn't be 'attacked' so much if you just left them alone."

"What- So they can fornicate and make tons of little evil baby spiders? I don't think so."

"You act like they're plotting to take over the world."

"They are taking over the world, Henry. And they've gone far enough. Someone has to stop them."

"And you're the one who plans to do that?"

"I'm doing my best."

"Then why is it always me who has to come in and kill them for you?"

"I will not be called a murderer."

"Oh, thanks."

"Anyway, thanks for letting me stay with you tonight."

"Yeah. Enjoy it while you can because this is the only night."

"What if there's another spider tomorrow?"

"We'll figure it out if and when that happens. Okay?"

"How come there's always a spider in my room, but never any in yours? You're the slob."

"Because they sense your fear and know that you're vulnerable."

"Is that really true?"

"No, Evan. I was just kidding."

"No, that totally makes sense, though. Taking advantage of me...They can probably smell my fear."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"What do you think fear smells like?"

"Don't ask me about your smells, okay? Let's just go to sleep."

"What if a giant spider comes in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping?"

"It is the middle of the night, and that's not gonna happen."

"How do you know? They like you."

"Yeah, because I'm the one that kills their family members, remember?"

"How is it that I'm too afraid to kill them, so you do it, and yet they still leave you alone?"

"I don't know, Evan. Let's talk about this later. Like in the morning. Okay?"

"Are you using some kind of spider-repellent or something?"

"Evan-"

"If you're holding me off from that stuff, that's totally not fair."

"Evan."

"What about me and my needs?"

"What about me and my needs?"

"What do you need, Henry?"

"Sleep. And so do you."

"Wha-"

"There are no spiders in here. They are not giant. And they especially are not going to come get you."

"You-"

"Yes, I can be sure about that. And even if there was a spider -which there isn't- I wouldn't let anything happen to you. Alright? Can we go to sleep now?"

"What if it sneaks up on me?"

"If there is a spider on you, you have permission to wake me."

"Okay."

"If there is no spider in sight, then you are not permitted."

"To waking you?"

"Yeah. Please don't. You'll stop worrying once you're asleep, anyway."

"They can get me in my dreams, too. That's where I'm most vulnerable."

"I'm right here next to you, Evan. There is no spider. You're going to be fine. Now please, please, try to get some sleep."

"Okay."

"Okay. Are we clear?"

"Yep."

"Really?"

"Crystal."

"Are you sure?"

"Hank, enough already. I get it."

"Alright. Goodnight."

"Night...Oh, Hank? One more thing..."

"What is it?"

"What if there's a spider on you?"

"There won't be any spiders on either one of us. Seriously, Ev. Let's just go to sleep."

"I just want to know why you sound so confident."

"Because I'm right."

"How do you know?"

"Are there any spiders on us right now, Evan? Really?"

"None that I'm aware of. But they are sneaky little things."

"Have I ever been wrong?"

"Well, there was that time you-"

"Evan."

"Yeah?"

"Go. To. Sleep."

"Well, I can't sleep!"

"Obviously. Because you're not trying to."

"I'm too afraid to sleep."

"Evan! You saw that movie when you were like nine years old. I would think you'd be over this by now."

"I can't help it that I'm afraid, okay? I can't help it."

"You're going to be completely fine, I promise. Now if you don't shut up right now I'm going to kill you myself before the spiders can."

"So, you admit they want to kill me."

"..."

"What are you- Where are you going? Hank."

"Just stay here."

"No, don't leave me. I'll be good, I promise."

"Hang on. I'm coming back in a second."

"What are you doing?"

"Just hang on."

"Okay..."


"Alright, here."

"What is it?"

"It's a squirty bottle. Take it."

"What's it for?"

"I filled it with spider-repellent."

"So, there really is a special spider-repellent you're using?"

"It's just water, Evan."

"Um, I don't know if you know this, Hank. But water is good for you!"

"Of course it is."

"I'm not thirsty. And I'm not gonna be quenching no stupid spider's thirsts, either. They're like cats. Feed them once, they keep coming back."

"It's not to quench their thirst, Ev."

"Oh. Then what's it for?"

"ATTENTION ALL SPIDERS, IN AND OUT OF THIS HOUSE."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"HI, MY NAME IS HANK LAWSON. THIS IS MY BROTHER EVAN."

"I don't want to be friends with them, Hank!"

"NO OFFENSE TO YOU, BUT WE WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU DID NOT INTRUDE ON US TONIGHT. WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY AHEAD OF US AND WE REALLY NEED TO GET SOME SLEEP."

"You think asking them politely is going to work?"

"MY BROTHER, HERE, IS A LITTLE AFRAID-"

"Don't tell them that!"

"AND I DON'T WANT TO BE RUDE AND THREATEN YOU, BUT HE IS ARMED AND READY WITH A SQUIRT BOTTLE."

"It's just water..."

"Water that spiders won't like when they're drowning in it."

"Oh, I see."

"IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, I SUGGEST YOU DO NOT BOTHER HIM. I WOULD VERY MUCH APPRECIATE IT."

"Yeah, don't bother me!"

"HE CAN'T HELP IT THAT HE HAS AN IRRATIONAL FEAR."

"It's very rational, Henry! Giant spiders exist. I've seen them."

"Seeing them in movies doesn't count, Evan."

"Whatever."

"ANYWAY, PLEASE LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE FROM NOW ON. I HOPE WE CAN NOW CO-EXIST IN PEACE."

"Co-existing isn't part of the plan, Hank!"

"Be quiet, Evan. Or I'll just sick all the spiders on you right now and save myself from the pain of ever having to hear you talk ever again."

"Well, you don't have to be mean about it."

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR TIME. I HOPE TO GOD WE ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT."

"That's it?"

"That's it. Now, scoot over."

"..."

"Evan."

"..."

"Ev?"

"What?"

"Are you good?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks."

"No problem."

"Hank?"

"Yes, Evan?"

"I'm sorry for being so annoying."

"You're my little brother, Ev. That's kind of your job."

"Glad you see it my way. And thanks for doing all that for me."

"Hey, I'm your big brother. That's kind of my job."

"Protecting me from giant, radioactive space-spiders?"

"Oh, so now they're from space and radioactive?"

"They've always been giant, radioactive space-spiders. I just never told you because I didn't want you to get worried, too."

"Oh, you're right. That just makes them too powerful, even for me. Thank you for looking out for me like that."

"Ha, that's me. Looking out for everyone else."

"Yeah, yeah. Can we go to sleep now?"

"With this convenient little squirt bottle, anything is possible."

"Goodnight, Evan. Oh, and don't squirt me with that. I don't want to wake up soaked in water, okay?"

"It's not water, Hank. It's spider-repellent."

"..."

"And yes, I promsie I won't squirt you unless there actually is a spider on you."

"I really don't think those spiders are even gonna want to mess with us, now."

"I don't think so, either. Unless the little Evan-spiders have big, Hank-spiders."

"Hank-spiders?"

"If you hear a squeeking, you know it's probably the Hank-spiders threatening you."

"I'll keep my ears open."

"...Goodnight, Henry."

"Night, Evan."

"I love you, Henry."

"I love you, too, Evan. Sometimes."

"Well, I love you all the time. Minus the times where you humiliate me by announcing my fears to the things I fear most. But that hasn't happened many times, so you're good."

"And I love you all the time, minus the times where you won't let me get some sleep."

"Okay, sorry. I'll go to sleep now."

"Thank you."

"..."

"Are you poking me?"

"I just have one more question."

"Alright, shoot. But make it quick."

"Can I just move my bed in here?"

"Absolutely not."

"But the spiders-"

"Seriously, Evan? Seriously?"

"Are you prepared to announce your speech every night?"

"If that's what'll get you to shutup and go to sleep."

"Okay, just checking. We can go to sleep now."

"...Don't put your legs on me."

"This bed is cramped, Hank. There's no where else to put them."

"Put them where they were before. And if I wake up to you spooning me again, I'm just going to push you off the bed."

"With the-"

"If you say 'spiders' one more time, Evan, I'm just going to go sleep somewhere else."

"Actually, I was going to say dust bunnies."

"Goodnight, Evan."

"Night, Hank."

"..."

"Hank?"

"Evan. Shh."

"I just wanted to te-"

"Shh. No."

"-ll you that I-"

"Evan."

"..."

"..."

"Iloveyou. 'kay, that's all. Goodnight."

"..."

"What are yo- OW!"

"Maybe you can make friends with the dust bunnies. And together you can fight the forces of the radioactive spiders, or something."

"Pushing people off beds is rude, Hank! I could've been hurt."

"..."

"Ow, ow. Are you not letting me back up on the bed?"

"..."

"Hank?"

"..."

"Haaank?"

"..."

"I'm hurt, Hank."

"..."

"Fine, have it your way then."

"..."

"Are you...are you sleeping already?"

"..."

"There is no way you already fell asleep! Nobody falls asleep that fast!"

"..."

"Hank, seriously. It's not possible."

"..."

"Hank?"

"..."

"Can I at least get my pillow back?"

"..."

"No? Come on. I can't sleep without a pillow."

"..."

"Ha-"

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

"Hey! Rise and shine, Hank! That's your alarm telling you it's time to get up."

"Ugh..."

"Yeah, that's what you get for pushing me off the bed. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?"