Escape Is Not An Option
(A/N: My intent isn't to mock anyone who enjoys shounen ai/yaoi. I was really just poking fun at fangirl behavior in general, and Manwë knows that I'm a raging fangirl, too. It's just all in good fun, okay? So, sorry if this insults you, no offense was meant. Oh, and guess what? The title is another Vic Mignogna video reference. Don't get it? It's from the "Real Fans of Genius" series…)
Dedicated to: tragedy-muse, Uncertainty and a Parasol, juniperlei, and animeaddict411, because I made a mistake with the reference in "Maybe Two Eds Are Worse Than One", and that was my fault. Sorry, guys!
Disclaimer: I don't own Prince of Tennis and all those pretty bishies…
Seiichi Yukimura and Genichirou Sanada were discussing the plans for tennis practice while walking through the hallways after school, when a foot suddenly shot out in front of Yukimura and tripped him. Sanada automatically reached out to catch him, pulling him close.
"SQUEE!" a little chorus sounded behind them.
Yukimura stepped back. "Excuse me, but who are you?" he asked the small group of girls gathered around them. One stepped forwards as the spokesperson.
"We're yaoi fangirls, and we have infiltrated your school!"
"Oh, is that so?" Yukimura asked, smiling gently at them. One of the fangirls' face instantly lit up. "Ohmigosh, like, idea time!"
"What, what?" the others clamored.
"Ohmigosh, so it's such a good idea, okay? Okay, so the Alpha Pair is, like, walking down the hall at school together, and all of Yukimura-sama's Guillain-Barré comes back."
"It wasn't quite Guillain-Barré," Yukimura objected, but the fangirl relentlessly plowed on.
"So he, like, collapses, but Sanada-sama catches him of course."
"Of course," the fangirls chimed in.
"And then Yukimura-sama looks up with tears glistening in his beautiful dark eyes. 'Goodbye, Genichirou,' he whispers. And then he smiles a haunting smile at Sanada-sama, causing Sanada-sama to realize how much he loves Yukimura-sama. Sanada-sama's face fills with resolve. 'No, I won't leg you go that easily,' he swears. So he, like, leans down to catch Yukimura-sama's lips in a heart-breakingly sweeping kiss, as the music swells around them. But, Sanada-sama's utter schmexiness completely heals Yukimura-sama of his Guillain-Barré. 'Oh, Genichirou, you've saved me. Whatever can I do to repay my debt to you? What is it that you want?' Yukimura-sama murmurs. Okay, so this is, like, sooo cute! Okay, so Sanada-sama, like, blushes!"
"Awww…" the fangirls cooed.
"I know, right? Okay, so this part is really good. Sanada-sama looks down, and then back at Yukimura-sama. 'You,' he whispers. No, wait, don't squeal yet, it gets even better! Okay, so faint streaks of red highlight Yukimura-sama's perfect smooth cheeks, and then he boldly whispers back, 'Then take me,' which is, like, so so sexhay, right?
"Ohmigosh, yes!" the fangirls squealed, unable to stop themselves.
"So Sanada-sama is all like 'I cannot resist you!'"
Yukimura raised his eyebrows. "In the hallway with students all around us?" he asked dryly.
"Ohmigosh, yes!" the fangirl squealed. "I was thinking that no one was there yet, but that one's even better! Okay, so then they're, like, writhing around on the ground together, and they hear a dripping sound, so they look up, and everybody is watching them and they all have nosebleeds!"
"The end!" she proclaimed triumphantly.
"EEEEEEEHHHHHHH!" the squealing immediately began.
"We love it!"
"Type it up!"
"Post it online!"
"We love lemons!"
"Of course! Because we're-"
"Yaoi fangirls forever!"
Yukimura opened and closed his mouth several times, a blank expression on his face. Finally he turned to Sanada. Sanada's face, neck, even his ears were a deep brilliant scarlet.
"Oh dear," said Yukimura brightly. "Sanada-kun, red really isn't your best color."
"Stop right there!" a shrill voice resounded. A mass of bickering girls rushed in, dragging the rest of the Rikkai Regulars in.
"Oh, lovely. More yaoi fangirls." Niou groaned as he got dragged along. The Regulars all winced, expecting an onslaught of painfully high-pitched squeals. But instead, one voice rang out.
"Wait, what?" said Marui Bunta.
One of the newcomers stomped up to the original pack, her face blazing red with fury. "How dare you?"
"Great, now what?" Niou rolled his eyes. Yagyuu pushed his glasses up, a slight smirk flickering on his face. "I do believe they're about to get rather territorial." The Regulars turned towards Renji for confirmation, but he only raised his eyebrows fractionally.
"Don't be ridiculous," the spokesperson of the original group growled. "Yukimura-sama and Sanada-sama are made for each other! They're like yin and yang! They're two opposites that fit perfectly together!"
"For that to work, wouldn't one of them have to be really bad at tennis? And really ugly?" Niou pointed out. The fangirls halted, visibly bewildered.
"Yukimura-sama and Sanada-sama are always hot and always good at tennis," one of them whined.
"Exactly," Niou nodded seriously. "But you're saying that they're opposites meant for each other. So one has to be attractive, the other, not. One athletic and the other- "
"Niou-kun, please stop," Yagyuu cut him off. "If you continue anymore, their little brains will overheat."
Niou blinked. "What's wrong with that?"
The newcomer gathered her wits and stomped her foot again. "No! Yukimura-sama had Akaya-chan!"
"CHAN?" Akaya Kirihara roared.
"DON'T CALL ME 'CHAN'!"
"What? Renji-sama loves Bunta-sama!"
"Hey, don't drag me into this!" exclaimed a Bunta Marui who had previously been enjoying the absurd scene.
"No! Bunta-sama loves Jackal-sama! That's their doubles pairing!"
"Just because you play doubles with someone doesn't mean they're your soulmate," Niou said.
"Exactly!" one of the fangirls chimed in. "And that's why it's obvious that Bunta-sama loves Niou-sama!"
"WHAT?" Niou protested. "That is not what I meant!"
"No, Niou-sama and Yagyuu-sama are perfect for each other, even without the doubles pairing!"
"But Niou-sama loves Akaya-chan!"
"STOP CALLING ME 'CHAN'!"
"Yukimura-sama loves Niou-sama!"
"Huh," Niou mumbled, with an insincerely contemplative expression on his face. "I sure get around a lot."
"Yukimura-sama loves Sanada-sama!"
"HEY!" one voice rose up above the rest. "THERE'S A CLOSET HERE! LET'S PUSH THEM IN LIKE THE OVERUSED PLOT DEVICE THAT IT IS!"
"Good idea!" the fangirls cheered, turning towards the Regulars menacingly.
"No, wait, what?" Akaya yelled.
"Everyone, escape," Renji warned them urgently, but it was too late. The roiling waves of fangirls crashed upon them and shoved all eight of the Rikkai Dai Regulars into the closet, slamming it shut, and locking the door. Everyone remained silent for a moment, until Niou remarked, "So, what, do they expect us to have an eightsome?"
"Shut up, Niou-kun."
(A/N: Yeah, this was pretty weird, and I was worried about getting the voices right… Read and Review, please? I love informative and helpful critiques, but even one line reviews are welcome so very much. Thanks! Cheers! –LOTRjunkie)