Warnings for angst, mentions of AkuRokuXion, SoKai and RiSo. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I don't know who I am.
I know my name is Roxas, but I don't know where I came from or why I'm in Twilight Town, or why I don't really care about Hayner, Pence, or Olette. They feel empty for some reason, at least in personality- almost unreal.
Like how I feel inside sometimes.
I wake up in the dark sometimes and swear I feel eyes on me, but they're always gone before I turn on the light. I dream of dark holes in the air, portals for those who know how to use them, and of black coats, gloves and boots.
I dream of a faceless girl that I can't remember the name of, but I remember the color blue, with the same eyes as my own. They're empty sometimes, but usually sad or confused.
In a world of empty eyes, I don't understand why three pairs of them stand apart from the others, two in a strange shade of blue, one in a striking green.
I think I loved her, that faceless girl, because whenever I dream of her, I wake up gasping and crying, though I can't ever remember why. I think I loved the boy, too, a flash of red and green and heat.
I don't understand why whenever I sit on the clock tower eating ice cream, I feel like my heart will break. If I have a heart- maybe I don't. I feel hollow sometimes. I think it comes and goes whenever it wants to.
I don't know anything about myself.
And then there's the other, the boy in red who holds the key, and is the key to everything. I don't know his name, but I know he's important, and I know there's some reason he lives in my head.
Maybe he has a heart, and I'm just borrowing his.
I want to go back where I come from, wherever it is. I miss that world of black coats and gloves and boots. I'm only really comfortable there, surrounded by the darkness and the comfort of the setting sun.
I saw one today, the people in the black cloaks. He didn't speak to me. I don't know whether to be relieved or sad.
I don't want to be left behind again. I'm feeling distanced from the others here. They don't feel right.
I want things to be right again.
I can feel him, the other. He is stirring, like he's been shut away for a long time. I wonder if he's inside me sometimes, when I think of silver hair and green eyes almost as bright as the redhead's eyes. I don't know him, but I feel like I do. I feel close to him, and I feel angry and deserted and sometimes I just feel.
I fought in the Struggle today, against Hayner and Vivi and then I met him.
I wasn't sure what to feel, but that other Roxas took over. I felt angry and betrayed, feeling I'd never associated to my redhead, and my other's key was suddenly with me. I fought him off, if barely, and was confronted by a man in red and black and my Axel.
The man made me feel cold and scared, and I knew he wanted to hurt me. He didn't want me to be.
If I ever see Axel again, I will ask him to take me away from here, back to the world of empty eyes, and make me whole again.
He came back for me today, with the wispy grey things to hurt me. I didn't care, until I heard a voice in my head screaming get to the mansion, get to the mansion. I don't know why I listened to it, but I ran faster than I ever had.
I thought I would finally get answers from Namine, but the man in red took her away. He felt wrong, too. All of this felt wrong- everything but my Axel and my other.
I tried to get away from that man and ended up in a basement where I fought Axel again, finally knowing him, finally. I felt him stirring, this Sora, and I knew I had to be there to wake him up.
I'm sorry Axel, I'm sorry I have to leave you but I do but I promise I'll come back for you, I promise.
Sora is dark and cold and not at all like I ever thought I would be when I had a heart. All I feel in Sora is sadness and despair and hopelessness and worry even though he smiles. But I wonder what it must feel to fight for the world and get nothing in return. At least, when I was fighting, I was aiming for something, fighting for something. A heart, and for my faceless girl and my Axel.
Sora, I wonder what he fights for. Maybe it's the silver-haired boy, Riku, or the girl who looks like Namine. Maybe it's just for satisfaction, but mostly, I think it's just to be whole.
Axel, my Axel. Don't fight these Heartless, these shadows, these Dusks for him. You know I'm here, but you know I left you. You know I couldn't stay. Don't fight for him, I'm not worth it, Axel. Axel, my Axel. Don't protect Sora, he can protect himself, go. Get out of here, save yourself.
He made me feel like I had a heart.
You have a heart, Axel, and if you don't, you can have mine.
No, no, no, no, stay awake, stay awake, don't fall asleep, don't close your eyes, no.
Don't you dare fade on me, don't you dare leave me here in the dark without you.
Don't leave me.
My Axel is gone. Sora can be happy with his Kairi all he wants, and Namine can try to save me all she wants, but I will never be happy, so Sora will never be happy. Sora needs Riku, but he wants Kairi.
Sometimes it's not about what you want, Sora.
But he'll stay and hide his midnight depressions from that stupid girl and leave his Riku empty. He would be better off with Riku.
Riku understands the darkness, and so long as I exist, Sora will always have the darkness.
I'll continue to hurt him until he lets me go. He killed my Axel, my faceless girl, and he killed me. He killed my chances at a life with my two. I'll kill him for it in return.
He was willing to die for everyone but me.
Why not me?
You can't run from the darkness, Sora, no matter how far you run. Riku knows it. It's too late for Kairi anyway.
Axel, I'm here for you. Xion, I'm here. I have you both, I love you both. We have a chance now.
I love you, I love you.
I'm sorry I kept you waiting.
Another in my long line of fics-that-have-been-sitting-around-and-are-just-being-published. Enjoy the Rox-angst!