Disclaimer: I may be able to write without the use of my thumbs and bend my knees backwards, but I don't whistle and I don't own Glee.
A/N: Hope this goes over well, it had amused me and my housemate had enjoyed it.
Five Times Puck Learned Something About Kurt
Puck wasn't thinking about anything important as he walked down the sidewalk on this particular afternoon, that is he wasn't thinking about anything important until he heard a low and gruff voice yelling words such as 'faggot' and 'queer' and 'I'm gonna punch the face'. Starting to walk faster, Puck went towards the voice. When he saw the two his quick pace soon turned into a run as it was a Big Dumb Jock talking to Kurt.
Now Puck had called Kurt names a few times. Okay, a lot. And he'd thrown the kid in the dumpster a few times. Okay, a lot. And even now he didn't know much about Kurt other than he was a manipulative bitch of a man who had the voice of an angel and a nice ass. And he liked cherry slushies. But he wasn't going to let some Big Dumb Jock hurt the kid.
Only he was still too far away. He watched in horror as the Big Dumb Jock went to throw a punch and felt surprise come over his face when Kurt dodged his blow. But just because Kurt dodged the first punch doesn't mean he could hold his own. The Big Dumb Jock was pretty huge and Kurt was well, he was Kurt. Big Dumb Jock tried to hit Kurt again, in vain. So then Big Dumb Jock went to charge the smaller boy and Puck was going to yell for Kurt to move when he noticed he wasn't and Puck became confused as to how the Big Dumb Jock was suddenly on the ground and Kurt was standing there. He couldn't make out the words, but he could hear Kurt's soprano voice talking to Big Dumb Jock.
But the Big Idiotic Jock got up and tried to charge Kurt again. This time Puck could see that Kurt got into a easy stance and somehow flipped the Big Idiotic Jock over and once again, he was on the ground. "You're gonna die little faggot." Big Idiotic Jock said, getting up and trying again. And once more, he ended up doing more damage to himself. This time Big Idiotic Jock was on the ground and he seemed kinda dazed. Puck had finally reached Kurt and grabbed his arm, "Come on, we need to get out of here."
Kurt nodded, "Okay. My baby's just over here." He lead Puck to his Navigator and Puck got into the passenger side, telling Kurt where he lived. Kurt started driving slowly, singing along with the music playing.
"Dude." Puck said, reaching and turning the sound down, "You just beat up that Big Idiotic Jock."
"I'm aware." Kurt's tone was guarded and full of sarcasm.
"Where did you learn to fight like that?" Puck asked after a second's pause. He was sure that Kurt didn't know how to defend himself, but clearly he could.
Kurt shot him a glance that basically stated he thought Puck was a moron. "You really think my dad wouldn't have me learn self-defense? Please." He rolled his eyes and put his turning signal on.
Puck's brows furrowed in confusion, "If you could beat jocks up, how come you never beat us up?"
"First off, it was self defense." Kurt replied in that haughty tone that he did so well, "Secondly, I can't really do much when I'm picked up and thrown into a dumpster, and third," he glanced at Puck, "you jocks hunt in packs. Like hyenas. And one lone gazelle cannot do much against six hyenas."
Puck nodded. The smaller boy did have a point, though he had to ask it, "Gazelle, huh?"
Kurt moved his shoulder's slightly, as if he was resituating how he was sitting, "Hello? I'm as graceful as a gazelle."
Puck grinned as they pulled up in front of his house, "Well, it's true that I could just devour you." He shot a predatory grin at Kurt for a split second before jumping out of the car.
The first time Puck picked the small gay boy up to lift him over the dumpster's edge, Kurt laughed. Giggled quietly, really. And Puck thought that was fucking weird. The kid, who seemed to love his clothes, was being thrown into a dumpster. That wasn't natural.
Puck looked around at the other five jocks and they all had a weird look on their faces, also not believing that the gay kid had laughed. As they heard no more noise inside of the dumpster, they walked away and one of Puck's friends punch him lightly on the shoulder and told him that he would always be the one to throw the kid if he laughed like that next time.
The next time came and Kurt had giggled to himself again. So, Puck got informed that he would be the only one to touch the fag. Puck shrugged, that was okay by him. Contrary to what people thought, Puck was actually a nice guy and if he was the one throwing Kurt around he wouldn't get unnecessary bruises from being gripped too tight.
After the fifth time, Kurt would still giggle, making him seem not only more girly but insane. He couldn't possibly find this funny, could he? Or was he trying to mind-fuck them and make it so that they wouldn't throw him in the trash because laughing was just plain weird and no one wanted to be around that level of weirdness? That manipulative bitch.
Shrugging mentally he looked over the edge of the dumpster, wanting to know the truth, and glared at a frowning Kurt. "Hey, why do you laugh every time?"
Kurt shot daggers at Puck, "An evil ploy to make you question yourself."
"I knew it."
Rolling his eyes Kurt sighed, "I'll have you know I'm," he paused, as if debating if he really wanted to tell the jock who had been tormenting him about the real reason why had would laugh, "very ticklish."
Now days Puck remembers about Kurt being ticklish and if Kurt is feeling down over something Mr. Shue said or his dad bonding with Finn better than he did or getting some clothing ruined, he tickles Kurt, ignoring the pleas to stop until he feels satisfied that the other boy is in a happier mood.
Everything had been going fine. Until it wasn't. Very quickly his truck no longer drove and he somehow managed to get it on the shoulder of the road before something unfortunate happened. Getting out, he kicked his tire and cursed. Taking a calming breath, Puck took out his cell only to find it dead. Kicking the tire again he leaned up against his truck and yelled. His day was not good at all. No one was talking to him and he almost got a slushy in his face.
Deciding that hey, he was a dude and dudes know about cars, he opened the hood of his truck and quickly shut it. Dude or not, he had no idea about cars other than how to put gas in it. Finding himself leaning up against his door he grinned when he saw a van coming and tried to wave them down, only to yell at them as they drove on.
A few minutes later another vehicle was coming towards him and Puck was chanting "No, no, no, don't, no, please." to himself as he knew that Navigator, he'd siphoned the gas from it enough times to know it was Kurt's. Kurt pulled to a stop behind him and got out as if he were stepping on a red carpet and not the rocks on the side of the road.
"Need some help?" Puck glared at the smirk that was plastered on Kurt's face.
"What? You gonna help?" Puck rolled his eyes, "Simply call someone and I'll get a lift with the tow truck."
Kurt did not look amused. Puck was actually ready for the boy to state as much before Kurt took off his jacket and scarf, putting them in his Navigator. Walking calmly over, Kurt said nothing as he raised the hood and looked down.
"Dude," Puck said, "I already tried that 'I'm a guy, I bet I know everything about cars' and it didn't work. And I'm more man than you."
Quietly and leaning over the engine, Kurt replied, "I'm more man that you could handle." He frowned, "When was your last oil change?"
Puck raised his eyebrows as Kurt rolled up his sleeves and started poking around the insides of his truck. "Uh. Not sure."
Kurt shot a look at Puck that Puck choose to read as 'Oh, that's normal. Who knows then their oil was last changed?' even though it was a bit more of a 'moron'. "I can't even begin to tell you what you have done to your truck." He took out his cell, "I'm calling for a tow and then we're going to the garage so I can fix your mess." Puck gave Kurt credit, Kurt sounded like he'd rather kiss a girl (or hell, even Puck) than make that phone call and drive Puck anywhere.
"Dude, it's okay." Puck said with a shrug, "I can ride with the tow guy, you can go home and give yourself a facial or whatever you do."
"Trust me," Kurt said, pressing his speed-dial, "you'd rather ride with me," said in a tone that said he wouldn't even enjoy that, "than ride with Dave."
Raising an eyebrow, Puck asked, "Dave? You know the tow guy by name?" He smirked, "Can't take care of your baby good enough? Break down that often?"
"Hush." Kurt said and then looked back at the engine as he started talking to whoever was on the phone, "Yeah, hi dad. No, I'm fine, it's just- Okay. Okay. Dad. Dad." Kurt sighed in a rather overdramatic fashion, "Dad. Listen, a classmate of mine? He knows nothing about his truck and let it fall to ruin. Yes." Puck didn't listen to the rest, which seemed to be Kurt telling his dad where they were, because his thoughts were stuck on the grease stain on Kurt's fingers.
Standing up, Kurt used those fingers that were stained with grease to fix his hair; that brushing his hand over his forehead, getting the hair around his face perfect. Only it left some grease. And Puck wasn't about to tell him. "We gonna wait until this Dave shows up?"
Kurt shrugged, frowning at the stain on his hand, "It's up to you. If you're worried about your truck, we can wait. If not we could go ahead and go now so that I can get changed and fix your truck sooner." He was walking around to his Navigator and got into the glove box, having some tissues there and got most of the grease off his fingers. Puck still didn't mention the one on his face.
"Can we trust this Dave?" Puck asked.
Kurt nodded, "Yeah, Dave's reliable. Just not fun to be around for long periods of time."
"And why's that?"
Kurt's face scrunched up, his nose wrinkling slightly, "He's disgusting."
Puck raised an eyebrow but nodded, "Right. Well, we might as well go now." He got in the passenger side of the Navigator. "So, which garage are we going to?" At the look of confusion followed by another one claiming he was moron, Puck asked, "What?"
"What kind of question is that?" Kurt asked, getting back on the road.
"A valid one, I think." Puck replied.
Rolling his eyes, Kurt said, "Hummel Tire and Service."
After what Puck is sure is a little too long of a pause, he said, "Hummel?"
"Yes, Hummel." Kurt shot a look at Puck, "As in my father."
"H-Hummel?" Puck asked again, trying to get his mind around it. "Hummel Tire and Service? The best garage in town? The only one I've heard is worth going to?"
Kurt smiled, clearly preening at the compliments to his dad's garage, "That would be it." Glancing again at Puck he added, "I think it's sad how you didn't realize I might have an association with the garage until now."
"I never made the connection. Well, I mean. It's a garage. And you're," Puck moved his hand up and down, as if showcasing Kurt, "you."
"Hummel." Kurt replied, "You don't even call me Kurt. You call me Hummel." He paused, "Really isn't much of a logical jump."
"I never made the connection." Puck repeated his earlier statement.
Kurt didn't say anything, just parked his Navigator behind the garage and got out without a word. Puck quickly followed him and was left standing in the middle of a room full of cars as Kurt disappeared into the bathroom after having grabbed something.
"You the idiot?"
Puck turned quickly and found himself next to a man with a ball cap, his shirt said 'Burt' on it. "Um-"
Burt sighed, "You my son's friend who doesn't take care of his car?"
Puck nodded, "Truck, actually."
"Yeah, whatever." Burt set something down on the table and that's when Puck felt he should have noticed earlier that Kurt's dad (and wasn't that a little odd how their names rhymed?) had been holding a plate with three sandwiches on it. Puck eyed the food, kinda wanting one when Burt shook his head, "I wouldn't eat one if I were you."
Burt never got to answer because that's when Kurt came out of the bathroom, in some grease monkey overalls, his name on it and the edges of the sleeves looking a little warn. "You didn't tell me I had a grease stain on my face." He stomped over to them. "Oh," Kurt's face brightened, the glare gone, "food." Grabbing the first sandwich, Puck was amazed at how quickly it had disappeared.
"Is Dave back yet?" Kurt asked, taking a sip of water.
"Nope." Burt replied. "And when he gets back, let me know if you need any help fixing his car." He paused, "Truck." With that he started to walk away as Kurt picked up the second sandwich and very quietly, just for Puck to hear, said, "He's cranky when he's hungry."
When Puck looked back at Kurt, the second sandwich was gone, "Did you just eat two sandwiches in a span of like a minute?"
Kurt shrugged, "I was hungry."
"How-" Puck paused, unsure on what exactly he wanted ask, "How can you eat that much? And where does it go?" He looked Kurt up and down. He was a skinny, pale, small kid.
"I have a really high metabolism." Kurt shrugged, then his eyes shot to somewhere behind Puck. "Dave's back."
Puck almost reached out for the last sandwich when Burt appeared out of no where, smacking his hand, "I wouldn't. He'll be back for that."
"Third sandwich?" Puck sputtered, glancing back at Kurt, "I mean, he said his metabolism-"
"That kid can eat three steaks. Along with the rest of the meal." Burt said. "And he doesn't gain weight."
Kurt came back, after having lifted the hood of Puck's truck and handled a few things. His hands had grease on them again, and he didn't think about it as he grabbed the last sandwich and started to eat it. Kurt didn't comment when he gets the grease on the bread, but when he ate that part he made a face of disgust but swallowed anyway. Then he downed the rest of the water and Puck was surprised that he found this unbelievably sexy.
"So, fixing your truck," Kurt said, running his tongue over his lips quickly, "will probably take a while. You can sit and wait, or come back later-"
"Can I watch you?" Puck blurted out.
"Huh?" Kurt seemed actually surprised.
Puck cleared his throat, "I uh. I just thought that if I watched you fix my truck, you could, y'know, teach me something."
Kurt nodded, "Sounds good. Then hopefully you won't let this happen again."
So, Puck watched Kurt fix his truck, which did take a very long time. He listened as the smaller boy explained why you didn't drive without oil as it warps your block and how he probably needed a new engine. You don't drive with the engine light on, you don't drive on low tires, if your car makes a knocking noise you should get it checked out. Kurt also said that he's going to check out Puck's truck at least once a week so that this never happens again. And Puck finds that he doesn't mind the idea of seeing Kurt bent over the hood of his truck.
Its five minutes before Glee will officially start and almost everyone is in the room. Tina had some baked goods to share. There wasn't a special occasion other than the previous day her aunt was over and they bonded over flower, eggs and oil. And as Puck had recently learned, Kurt would never turn down food. Not that any of them didn't at least try the food Tina brought, but Kurt had grabbed more than the others right off the bat.
It didn't take long before Mercedes gasped, "Kurt!"
Everyone looked over at the boy who seemed be having trouble breathing and may or may not be swelling up. Gasping for breath, he asked for his bag. "Bag. Give. Bag." They quickly handed it over as Brittney called 911. Everyone was tense and trying to help Kurt, but he pushed them away and reached in his ever present bag and took a hold of something. It was some sort of a stick in a tube and Kurt quickly took it out of the tube before jabbing it into his leg. After ten seconds that seemed so much longer, he lifted the stick, which now had a needle sticking out of the end and was looking it over and massaging his leg where the needle had been.
Mercedes swallowed, "You alright?" Her voice shook.
"I'll-" Kurt started, "I'll be fine." He put the needle back in the tube it had came in, "You called 911?"
"I did." Britney said and Kurt smiled slightly at her.
It was then that Mercedes rounded on Tina, and Puck went to Kurt's side, "Did you use peanut oil?"
"W-What?" Tina asked.
"Did you use peanut oil? When you made these?" She pointed to her own tasty treat that was now on the floor. Tina nodded mutely, "Kurt's allergic to peanuts." Tears were in her eyes, "Severely allergic."
"I'm s-sorry." Tina said, voice shaking, "I'm s-so s-sorry. I didn't know."
Puck was still staring at Kurt. He had been very frightened when the other boy wasn't breathing right. "So, you've never had a Snickers?"
Kurt's face screwed up into a look of disbelief, "No."
"Banana with peanut better on it?" Puck was rubbing circles on Kurt's back.
Kurt snorted, "No."
Puck waited a beat before adding, "PB and J?"
This time Kurt rolled his eyes, but he had a slight smile on his face, "No."
It was then that some EMTs came into the room and asked who wasn't breathing. Kurt stood up and explained everything and they grabbed him and took him to the hospital.
Second period. Math class. Half the time Puck didn't even check in and walked straight into the Nurse's office and after giving a nod of greeting to her, laid down. Puck wasn't quite asleep when he heard the door open and some guy said, "Okay, I've brought you here. Going back to class now." And the door shut.
Puck opened his eyes and saw Kurt standing in the doorway, swaying a bit. His eyes were huge and looked around slowly, as if he'd never been to see the Nurse. And as Puck knew Kurt had been to see the Nurse less than himself but more than most other kids, he had no reason to look surprised to be there. Kurt's eyes locked in on Puck then.
"Noah?" His face scrunched up, "What're you doin' in my class?"
Puck felt his eyebrows raise, "Dude, you're not in class." It was then he noticed a little bit of drying blood on Kurt's neck. "Hey, Nurse Becky." He said, getting up and leading what seemed like a dazed Kurt to a chair. "Nurse Becky?"
The nurse walked in from her office and gasped, "Oh, Kurt." She grabbed some antiseptic and band-aids. "What happened today honey?"
Kurt blinked owlishly, "I was in the hallway." Puck hoped Kurt understood that something had happened to him and wasn't confused at to why he wasn't still in the hallway. Or the classroom for that fact. "And some moronic jock pushed me against the lockers." He touched the side of his head, "My head hurts."
Becky nodded, "I don't doubt that deary." She checked his eyes and where the blood was coming from, "Very small cut, otherwise it would have bleed more and ruined your pretty little shirt."
Kurt frowned and looked down at his shirt, "It's new."
"Uh-huh." Becky said in a distracted manner, "Okay, honey, you've got a concussion. I'm gonna go call your father and have him take you to the hospital. Or home if he feels you'll be fine." As she walked towards her office, she put a hand on Puck's shoulder, "Watch him, will you?"
Kurt was staring at Puck, looking confused before he said, "Oh. Are you sleeping with the nurse?"
"No." Puck said right away. Sure, he was friendly with Becky, but she wasn't a MILF.
Kurt nodded in an overly exaggerated way then froze, "Why is the world trying to do our latest dance from Glee?"
Puck rolled his eyes. Of course that was how Kurt would say the world was spinning. "Y'know Hummel, it's best if you don't move your head to much or quickly. Concussion."
"Mm'kay." Kurt said, eyes starting to close.
Puck did not know much about what do with injuries. But he had heard somewhere (probably the TV) that you don't let people with concussions go to sleep, you keep them talking. "Hey. Hummel." Kurt's eyes opened again, "Don't go to sleep, alright? Talk to me."
"About what?" Kurt tilted his head, his eyes larger than normal and shoulder's slumped, hair mussed up; Puck was sorry to say he looked kinda adorable.
"Whatever. Clothes, hair style's, food." Here Kurt said 'Mm nom nom' which made Puck burst out laughing. He never really figured Kurt would speak LOLCat.
Kurt looked proud of himself for getting Puck to laugh before suddenly looking like the most sad, dejected and woe-ish person. "I blew it."
That caught Puck's attention. Smirking, he asked, "Who'd you blow?"
Letting out a very heavy sigh, Kurt answered, "Myself."
"Dude, you can do that?" He looked Kurt up and down, "I mean, I've figured out that you're flexible, but you're that flexible?"
To his credit, Kurt looked very confused, "How does me being double jointed deal with me missing the note?"
"Oh." Puck said, understanding what Kurt had meant now, "That high F?"
"Yep." He started nodding again before Puck put his hand on his head to stop him, "That note. I blew it."
Puck shrugged, "Well, no one really blames you. I mean, even though you're voice is pretty girly, you are still a dude and that note is pretty hard to hit."
"An F is nothing." Kurt almost sounded flippant. "It's almost too easy to hit." He chuckled, "I'd hit that."
Puck found himself smiling slightly and snorting with a shake of his head, "Okay, so say you can hit the high F-"
"-then why didn't you?" Puck finished.
Tears were suddenly in Kurt's eyes, "For my dad. I love him Noah," he drew out Puck's name, "And he'd gotten his first fag call and it shook him up and I have to protect him. If I had done better than Rachel (which I totally was), the calls would've gotten more and then we wouldn't be able to eat."
Puck nodded, it all made sense, except for the eating at the end, he understood why Kurt would blow the note. "Hey man, there's always the next solo."
"Please." Kurt scoffed, "Shue won't give me one. I need to stand up like a manly man and force him to give me one." He started to get up then.
Reaching out, Puck pulled him back down, "Okay, sure. But not now, alright? Show him you're a," he paused, "manly man later."
"Okay." Kurt agreed. "Noah, my head hurts." He frowned.
It was then that Burt came in to collect his son, giving a nod to Puck before helping Kurt stand. "Hello Father." Kurt greeted.
"Kurt." Burt said with a slight smile. "Ready to go to the hospital?"
Kurt's face scrunched up, "I don't like hospitals." He paused, "Though they have ice cream. And stickers."
"Promise we'll get you a sticker that you can put on your scarf and some ice cream." Burt said, arms around his son.
"Yay!" Kurt raised his arms in an excited manner. Right before they were out of the door, Kurt turned his head and said, "I'll bring you a sticker too, Noah!"
And One Time Kurt Learned Something About Puck
"If you could beat jocks up, how come you never beat us up?" Puck looked very confused.
Kurt rolled his eyes, "First off, it was self defense. Secondly, I can't really do much when I'm picked up and thrown into a dumpster," which was very true, the only thing he could do at that point was struggle and that just made him want to laugh more, "and third, you jocks hunt in packs." His mind suddenly pictured some nature show with a voice over by some guy, "Like hyenas." Can't fault him, he'd caught his dad watching some show about the laughing animals the night before, "And one lone gazelle cannot do much against six hyenas."
"Gazelle, huh?" Kurt couldn't place what emotion was behind that question.
He resituated himself, unsure on how he felt about not being able to read into what Puck was saying, "Hello? I'm as graceful as a gazelle."
Kurt was slightly scared of that predatory grin on Puck's face, making him look even more like hyena, but luckily they were outside of his house, "Well, it's true that I could just devour you." Kurt was glad that Puck had jumped out of the car then as he had no idea how he could even think to respond to that.
Kurt had sat there for a second, very confused at to what had just happened when the passenger door shot open and Puck was suddenly on top of him, kissing possessively. Kurt was horrified to hear him let out a small squeak but shoved Puck off. He hadn't shoved him off because the kiss was bad, contrary, it was very good, but the steering wheel was digging into his side and that wasn't all too comfortable.
Puck licked his lips, the voracious look in his eyes now, "I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven."
"For our date. You're dating me now." Puck informed him, "This hyena," he pointed to himself, "is getting himself a main course of gazelle lovin'."
Kurt blinked, "But you're not even gay."
Puck shrugged, "I'm bi."
"As serious as," Puck paused, "something very serious."
"Typically that saying is 'As serious as a heart-attack.'" Kurt educated him.
Puck shrugged, "Whatever." He climbed back out of the Navigator, "See ya tomorrow." With that he shut the door and went inside. Kurt shook his head and drove away, thinking about what he should wear for his date the next day.