Twi-Fic Promotions "Don't Mess With the Help" Contest

Story Title: Sex & the Soil
Pen name: il_bel_mondo & ipreferbrunettes (collab.)
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the intellectual property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

To view all other entries for the "Don't Mess With the Help Contest" visit the C2 community here www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/~dontmesswiththehelpcontest


Carrie? Who the fuck is Carrie?

I've done some freaky fucking shit during sex, but this one took the fucking cake. Generally after people come in me they remember my name. I don't think it's an outlandish request.


I don't even look like a Carrie. I am so not a Carrie.

Picture a dramatic pause where I pick up my own Sex & the City reference and realize that I told the poor fucking boy my name was Carrie three days ago.

Well this was a mess.

He was probably in the barn right now giving his flaccid peepee a pep talk about how it wasn't its fault that I did a hump and dump on our afternoon delight.


If I ever wanted a encore performance of the opera of awesome he did on my gine an hour ago, I had to go fix this debacle.

I took off the ruined panties and tossed them, sliding my shorts back on commando. I washed my face and slapped my cheeks a little, trying to get in the zone for what I had to do next.

Slowly, I trudged the distance back to the barn with no discernible game plan. I was just going to wing it. I pulled the door open and saw him sitting where I had left him, on a blanket-covered bale of hay, eying his fingers which he twisted in his lap restlessly.

"Hey," I offered.

He looked up at me. "You ok? I'm really sorry, Carrie, I don't know what I said but I never meant to-"

"No, we're cool," I interrupted him before he could make himself look like anymore of a puss.

"But you ran out of here so fast, and you seemed so upset," he lamented.

"Yeah, I had to pee." Ok, maybe winging it wasn't as brilliant as I'd thought it would be. Maybe some things require just a little bit of forethought.

"You... had to... pee?" he asked, confused.

"Yes, Edward, everyone pees, or did you not read that book in kindergarten."

"That book is called Everyone Poops," he corrected.

"Oh no, girls don't poop. Fallacy."

He cracked a smile at me. I think we'd crossed the bridge.

He stood up and I walked slowly towards his outstretched arm, which he slung around me and pulled me tight to him. "You're a shitty farmhand," I started, my mouth pressed to his ear, "but you're a pretty good fuck." I flicked my tongue out to lick the shell of it. His hands slid down my back and cupped my ass as he brought his face down to mine, pulling my lower lip between his teeth and alternately biting and sucking it.

"These shorts are dangerous," he mumbled into my skin, sliding his forefinger around the hem at the inner thigh and slipping it up to meet the once-more overheated and slippery wet flesh there. "Oh, Carrie," he moaned at the contact.

Every time he said it my nerves grated a little, but what was I supposed to do now? Tell him the truth? Fat fucking chance. No way he'd fuck me again if he found out I was a liar and a slut. I just had to swallow it. Not like I haven't done that before.

The way he bucked his hips up into me with the rock hard cock solidified my decision. It was like an offering and while I'm usually not comfortable accepting presents, this was the kind of gift I could get down with.

I put my arms around his neck and jumped up, wrapping my legs around his waist as I kissed sloppily along the column of his neck. He put a hand under each of my ass cheeks to hold me up and I pressed my breasts into his chest.

Just when stuff was about to get good, I heard a definitive boner-murder stomping towards the barn.

"BELLA!" Charlie bellowed, mere feet away.

I pulled my face away from Edward's and frantically pressed a finger to my lips, begging him with my eyes to understand how important it was that he not make a single fucking sound.

We were frozen in place, twined inextricably together in the silent barn, where the only dim light came from shafts of sun that pushed through errant cracks in the roof. The angry footsteps stopped. I knew better than to think that meant we were safe.

The heavy barn door swung open, slamming back against the wall and chattering on the hinges. Light flooded the floor and a menacing silhouette filled the frame. Not menacing because he was particularly big or scary, though. Moreso because of the shotgun hanging all willy-nilly from a strap on his right shoulder.

He took a step into the barn. I reluctantly peeled myself from Edward's body.

"If you're looking for Bella, sir, she's not in here. It's just us," Edward explained quickly. "I'm, uh, on my break."

Charlie wrinkled his nose and looked at Edward like he had just said that the stars at night were not big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.

He seemed like he was about to say something but I cut in. "Charlie-"

"Not now, Bella," he interrupted without taking his gaze from Edward. The strap slid down his arm and he wrapped his fingers around the stock of the gun.

Edward's sunburned face went white.

"Did I, or did I not, tell you to stay away from my daughter?" Charlie asked, leveling the gun at Edward's chest.

"She's... she's not your daughter!" Edward yelled hysterically.

"How dumb do you think I am, boy?" Charlie pumped the fore end of the gun and a shell fell out. The sound was just about comparable to a sonic boom.

I tried once more. "Charlie, I-"

"SAVE IT, Bella!"

I think I heard Edward's knees knocking together. I wished he wouldn't be so scared. Charlie had never actually shot anyone... that I know of.

Edward looked at me then. It was a horrific look of life-ruining betrayal, like he couldn't believe I hadn't told him who I really was. I felt bad for him, really, it's not like he would have gone for a roll in the hay if he knew I was Bella, the elusive succubus of Charlie's forewarning. It was sort of my fault that me was staring down the muzzle of a shotgun. That had to be really fucking scary. I wouldn't blame him if he peed his pants. Everyone pees, I mouthed to him over Charlie's shoulder.

I don't think he was paying attention to me, though.

"I was doing it for your benefit, son" Charlie said sadly, like it was really unfortunate that he was going to have to kill his new farmhand.

"I'm so sorry, sir, I swear I didn't know. I never would have..." he trailed off, or maybe I stopped listening.

Hold the fucking phone, never?

More important things
, my conscience chided, Charlie might shoot your fuck buddy.

"I told him I was the maid," I finally got out a sentence without Charlie silencing me, but he quirked an eyebrow like he didn't quite think it was the truth. "It's not his fault. I pursued him."

"Oh well that I have no trouble believing," Charlie said defeatedly. He looked over at Edward's quaking form and then back at me. I did a palms-up and shrugged like: Hey, I'm a skank, what can I say.

"This true?" he asked Edward.

I could see chivalry rising up in him the way his dick did when I shimmied against it in my denim cutoffs but this was no time to defend the honor I'd lost so long ago. I nodded violently behind Charlie's back so Edward knew to agree.

"Yes, sir," Edward said, looking at the ground.

"Ahh, shit," Charlie sighed, clicking the safety back on his gun and swinging it over his shoulder. "I tried to tell you kid to stay away, kid. It wasn't cause I wanted to protect her. I lose so much Goddamn business from all the ties I have to sever because of idiots with their heads up her skirt... I didn't want to be down another man for the summer."

"Have you killed any of them?" Edward asked earnestly, eyes on the shotty.

"Shit, no! But they all wind up ass over elbows in love with her and nobody gets any damn work done! So I get rid of them, and it makes work even harder for me. Things would be a lot easier if my daughter wasn't such a skank."

"Um, I can hear you," I interjected. So what? You just thought the same thing moments ago, my hoor of a conscience pointed out. Ok, point taken.

Charlie waved a hand at me dismissively. "So... do you love her?" he asked Edward with his head hung, like he already knew the answer.

"No, sir," Edward said authoritatively. My ego stumbled back a little bit from the harsh blow. "Not even a little," he added with pride. Unnecessary roughness.

"Really?" Charlie perked up. "So you'll stay the summer, then?" I couldn't believe I was watching this happen. Like, is this seriously my life?

"If you'll have me, sir, I'd be happy to."

Charlie broke into a grin. "That's great kid, glad you're on board. But Edward..." Edward raised his eyebrows in acknowledgment. "Stop fuckin' callin' me sir." Charlie stuck out his hand and Edward pumped it in a furious handshake. "Now... get back to work," he grunted and walked out of the barn.

Edward's entire body visible unclenched and I closed the distance between us.

"So... not even a little bit?" I asked with a small smile.

"You almost got me killed, Bella," he said flatly.

"I like how you say my name," I pushed a wild piece of that gorgeous hair out of his eyes and let my fingers linger on his face. Taking a step closer, I put my body flush against his and tickled my nails down the length of his spine.

"Ok, maybe a little," he acquiesced, pressing his mouth to my lips.

I gave him one chaste kiss and took a step back. "Well you heard the man, get back to work." I turned and walked towards the exit.

"Bella," I faced him once more. "You know I said what I did so that I could keep my job, right? There's no me and you if I get sent back to Washington this summer." He crossed the floor to reach me. "I'd like to keep seeing you."

"By 'seeing me' you do mean seeing me naked, yes?" I asked.

"Of course," he clarified.

"I think I'm agreeable to that." He kissed me once more and then walked back over in the general direction of our make-shift bed.

"What are you doing?" I asked, following a step behind him.

"Looking for that tiller. Gotta aerate the soil you know. Charlie told me to get back to work," he answered, digging at equipment under tarps with his back to me.

I gave him an affectionate tap on the ass as I walked away, calling over my shoulder with a smirk, "Carrie on."

No matter what anybody tells you, mess with the help. Your vagina will thank you.



I heard Carr...err, Bella leave the barn. The pun she'd just shouted still hung in the air. I simply shook my head and tried the hold back the smile. Bella Swan would be the death of me. She almost was already. But I'd be goddamned if sunburns and shotguns were going to keep me from burying my dick in her as often as possible.

Charlie had given me fair warning and I had told Bella the truth. There would be no more "us" if I'd had to leave. I may not be in love with her yet but I definitely couldn't imagine going the summer without feeling her lips pressed against my flushed skin. So with my head held high and the damned tiller in hand I walked back to the small flower bed.

The rest of the day passed without incident. I happily ran through my chores with a little skip in my step, all the while planning my next encounter with the enigma that is Bella Swan: skanky farmer's daughter. As I grabbed the reins around Rosie's neck and led her to the trough I heard a familiar snicker behind me.

"Hey, cowboy, whatcha smirking about? Rosie finally give in with the pseudo S&M you're trying to pull?" I looked over my shoulder and sure enough the brunette vixen was eye-fucking me from the open shutters of what I now knew to be her bedroom window.

My dick twitched in response and I knew that this would be a summer to remember. "How does the song go?" I called up to her, "Save a horse, ride the hired help?" I gave her my best mischievous smile and a wink before turning back to that mare and firmly planting my palm on her hind-quarters. The giggle that erupted from the house had followed what sounded like an aroused gasp.

Internally, my mind was already planning out our next "adventure," I'm sure Bella wouldn't mind doing a little role play...hell, she already had been for the past few days. I wonder if you could get a French maid's costume outside of Halloween...

Game on.