Needles, Novocain, and Nuttiness

Author: MoonStarDutchess

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA and gain no profit from this fanfiction.

An: Idea for this came about when I got back from having dental surgery and had an interesting reaction towards the drugs they used on me. People told me I was ranting about everything from hamburgers to leopards. I don't remember but even my boyfriend said I was a bit loony. Of course, everything in this is exaggerations and none of this happened. XD


Needles, Novocain, and Nuttiness

Roy Mustang carefully removed the handgun that Riza kept in the drawer beside their bed and moved it to the other side of the room. Creeping his hand under her pillow, he felt around to make sure she didn't keep a derringer or some other small firearm underneath the cotton headrest. He doubted his fiancée would shoot him intentionally but was uncertain of what she would do in her sleepy haze since it was the first time he had to wake her up.

He studied her sleeping form for a few seconds before smiling softly and leaning in towards her ear.

"Riza, love, time to wake up," he whispered. He would try the gentle approach first and hope it would suffice.

A large huff of breath left her mouth and she turned her back towards him, snuggling deeper in the covers. "Leave me alone. It's my day off." Her voice was knitted with sleep but her posture was tenser than usual, not a typical bodily state for someone that wanted to keep sleeping.

Roy reached forward and tugged on the covers wrapped around her. "I know it's your day off, but you have an appointment today that you can't miss. You have to get up." He gave another tug at the covers but she gripped them tighter, not willing to budge.

"Stop it! I'm not going!" She spoke with a stern and stubborn voice, obviously giving up her feigning of being sleepy. "I'm a grown woman and if I don't want to go then I don't have to." She sat up and jerked the covers from his grasp. She then moved to lie back down and pulled the covers over her head.

Roy frowned. "Riza, you made this appointment a month ago."

"No I didn't. You are the one that made that appointment and just told me you did yesterday!"

"Okay, fine. But I knew you would cancel if I didn't wait to tell you. Now stop acting like a child and get up!" He emphasized his last words by grabbing the covers and pulling them off her body and out of her reach. Usually she was the one that was having trouble waking him; he found the role reversal rather amusing.

She sat up again and threw a pillow at his head. I wouldn't have moved in with you if I knew you were going to put me through such torture." She folded her arms over her chest. "I'm moving out."

He smirked as he deftly caught the pillow before it made contact with his head. "Riza, I highly doubt that you'll move out. You love living with me too much. As for the torture, I have no idea what you're talking about. The only thing I'm doing is trying to make sure you get to your appointments on time. It's only fair since you always keep me on schedule at work." He calmly set the pillow down on the bed.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "If you make me go. . . I'll start sleeping in the guest room." She really didn't want to have to resort to something like this but she'd rather be shot than go to the day's appointment. Heck, she'd rather go through the entire ordeal with the homunculi again. The appointment she had today was the worst event that any human being could undergo. It was a methodical torture with metal instruments.

"Fine then, you leave me no choice," he said. He strode toward her and Riza scooted away instinctively upon seeing his mischievous grin. Then, without warning, he scooped her up into his arms and began to carry her to the bathroom. "Now, you need to shower and get dressed so we can go. Unless you want me to help you clean off."

"She folded her arms and thought about what he said and she got an idea. If she could distract him, then they would be late. If they were late then she would be spared the drills, needles, and the icky mint tasting goop. "Okay," she said, jumping out of his arms. He gasped when she pushed him against the door and ran her tongue across his lips before kissing him. After a few seconds, he stopped responding and she pulled away. Her stomach sank when his lips quirked upward in his knowing smirk.

"Stop trying to distract me with tactics like that. It's cruel. You are going to your appointment whether you like it or not." Her frown darkened. He gave her a dazzling smile. "I'll make you a deal. If you get dressed and go to your appointment, I'll do anything you want afterwards."

"You already do everything I want," she stated flatly then sighed. "Do I have to go?" She knew she was acting like a child, but didn't she have that right? Roy acted like a child most of the time. Wasn't she allowed this one incident? "I mean it's not like . . . Damn, why didn't I just get these things cut out when I was younger?"

He gave her a warm, encouraging, smile and pulled her into a hug. "I know you don't like it Riza, but yes, you have to go."

"Fine," she muttered against his chest, "I'll get ready."

(-)

Riza couldn't refrain from fidgeting during the wait for the dental assistant to call her name. If they were going to torture people back there, the least they could do would be to make the waiting room a bit more comfortable to give people that calm before the storm type feeling. But the tormenters decided that was too kind. The room was a pallid white and the chairs covered with blood colored upholstery. There were various posters decorating the walls displaying white teeth and details of dental equipment. Of course, the bad parts, needles and drills, were omitted from the pictures. After all, it wouldn't be good for patients to run away before the dentist got them trapped in the chair of horrors after all. Of all the pictures on the wall, the one with a smiling child sitting in a dentist chair was the one that got on her nerves the most. She wanted to stand up and rip the thing into confetti. No child would be happily sitting in one of those chairs with a smile on their face.

She jumped when Roy placed his hand over hers and squeezed it. "It will be okay and over before you know it," he said with a loving smile. He could only hope that they didn't make her wait much longer or she would go insane.

A young woman came to the door and smiled pleasantly at Riza. "Miss Hawkeye, please follow me." Roy stood with Riza and kissed her forehead, earning a few awes from the older women in the room. Riza smiled slimly at Roy before following the nurse, feeling as if she was walking toward her execution chambers.

(-)

Roy watched his fiancee walk down the hall, let out a sigh, and sat back down in his seat. No more than a minute later, he was bored stiff. He hated waiting and looked around the room to see if there was anything that would distract him, ending up with nothing to preoccupy his thoughts on his fiancée.

He felt eyes on him and looked toward the nurse at the desk. She was staring at him, smiling in the manner most women used when they wanted him to come and talk to them. He crossed his legs, grabbed a magazine off the table beside him, and began scanning the page, giving the nurse a hint that he wasn't interested.

(-)

"Excuse me Sir but are you the one that will be driving Miss Hawkeye home?"

He glanced at the clock and was amazed that two hours had passed by. Then looked up to see a nurse speaking to him. Her tone was uneasy which instantly sent concern for Riza rushing through him. "Yes, is there something wrong?"

"Well," the nurse then laughed nervously, "the dentist got the teeth out without any trouble. It's just that her reaction wasn't what the dentist expected."

"Did she hit him?"

"No," the nurse replied.

"Did she shoot him?" he asked.

"No," she replied.

"Did she try to rip out his thro—"

"Sir, she just has a strange reaction to the drugs. She's asking for someone she's referring to as . . ." the nurse coughed, "'hung like a mustang'."

Roy's jaw dropped, his eyes went wide, and his face flushed. "U-um take me to her and I'll see if I can do, uh, anything to help," he stammered. What was going on with Riza?

"Very well. Please follow me," she said and lead Roy through the doors and past the office. They turned the corner and spotted Riza in a small room. She was sitting in the chair, her posture not indicative that something was wrong. When he entered into the room, her head jerked toward him and she smiled as well as one could with one side of their mouth shoved with cotton.

"There he is!" she yelled, her voice muffled by the absorbent cotton.

One arm shot forward, pointing in his direction, why the other shot to her side, punching

the dentist between the legs roughly. She glared at him, "That's for pulling my teeths! You are lucky I don't pull off your bal-"

"Riza! What in the world is going on!" he exclaimed rushing forward to pull her away from the doctor. She spit the cotton in her mouth into the sink.

The nurse helped the dentist to his feet. "They gassy me gave and stolded my teeths. Back them I want!" Roy looked at the dentist for an explanation. He caught his breath and nodded. "She had a bad reaction to the gas we gave her." Riza then jumped on Roy and hugged him. She pulled away, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around his neck before leaping up to move her legs around his waist. He looked at the dentist with concern.

"Um, I think we'll be going now," he muttered utterly at a loss as to how to react to this situation. He knew the day was going to be different but he didn't expect it to be that different. No, instead he had walked into a nightmare where Riza was acting like a sugar-happy five year old, a very violent and unstable five year old at that. He gave the dentist and the nurse an apologetic smile. He backed out of the room, being careful not to drop Riza who was still clinging to him in an awkward way.

Roy took the back exit and approached the car, thankful that he'd parked at the back of the building where no people would be walking by. Who knows what kind of reaction they would give if they saw Riza's currently position. The last thing he needed was rumors flying about him. "Hey Roy?" she asked in a way similar to the manner a child would ask a simple question.

He unlocked the car and pulled open the door with some difficulty since Riza still hadn't let him go. "Yeah" he replied trying to figure out how he was going to get her to let go of him so she could get in the car.

"There's no one around here you know," she said, moving her lips to kiss his neck. She giggled like one of the women he used to tolerate on dates. "This car hood looks nice and solid and stuff. We could go at it like . . . um . . . those little furry creatures with big -" Roy cut her off yet again with a call of her name. "Ears! That's it." She looked at Roy and smiled widely. "Awww you thought I was going to stay something else, you naughty Genital you!"

"It's General Riza, not Genital."

"Oh…" she then cackled out laughing. "You are a Mustang genital!"

He couldn't help but wonder if Riza was really out to kill him and this was part of her plan to make it look like an accident. It was a silly notion of course. "Riza, come on, why don't you get in the car so we can go home." He really didn't want to make a scene in the middle of a parking lot but at this rate, they were going to make one anyway.

"But I don't want to," she said, "you'll put me in that car and then go on the other side and I won't be able to huggle you and stuff like that." Roy's eyebrow twitched and Riza pointed at it. "You should gets that fixed."

"Riza, please get in the car like a good girl."

She frowned and unwrapped her legs from around his waist but when her feet touched the ground, she faltered, and he caught her. "You okay?"

Riza wrapped her arms around his neck and smiled. "You're my hero, you know that?" she asked. Her voice then took on a baby-talk tone. "You are! Yesss you are. Yous a good hero."

Roy groaned and opened the passenger side door. He picked her up, bent over, and put her in the car, before shutting the door. She pressed her palms against the window and whimpered. "You locked me in here! Let me outs!"

She jumped and screeched when the driver's side door opened and she turned around. When Roy shut his door, she grabbed him in a hug. "I thought you were just going to leave me in the box on wheels."

"My god, what did they inject you with? Crack?"

"Hehe, you can't inject a crack!"

Roy sighed and removed his keys from his pocket. Riza grabbed them and began shaking them wildly. "They make a pretty sound." She shook them twice. "Jingle bells," she began singing, and shook them again, "Jingle bells." She shook them once again, "Jingle all the wa—"

"Give me those!" he snapped, yanking them out of her hand. Her bottom lip jutted out and tears came to her eyes. She scooted as tight against the opposite end of the seat as she could, keeping away from Roy. "You meanie! I don't loves you anymore. Take your jingles and inject them in your crack!"

Roy put the keys in the ignition and turned on the motor. At least Riza would keep away from him on the drive home. He would make a note to tell Riza she didn't have to go to the dentist anymore unless it was for an emergency. Hopefully she'd never have to go back for anything that would require drugs.

He pulled into the back parking lot of their apartment building and turned off the motor. After getting out of the car and locking his door. He moved over and opened the passenger side. Riza was still sitting perfectly still, her arms folded across her chest and her gaze down at her lap. "Let's go Riza." He reached down to pick her up but a fist collided with his face, making him lose his balance and fall onto the concrete. She grabbed the door, shut it back, and locked it. "I'm not going."

Roy's back popped as he made his way to his feet. "Riza, come on."

"No."

"Please."

"No."
"Why not."

"Because you are mean and I don't want to go with you. I don't like you! You wont' let me do anything. You made me go to the cruel doctor man today! You wouldn't have fun with me on the hood of the car! You wouldn't even let me play with the things that jingle!"

"Okay, I'm sorry Riza."

"You don't mean it."

"Riza, please unlock the door." He noticed her glance at him from the corner of her eyes. "Please?"

"What do I get if I do?"

Roy racked his brain for something to give her in return and could come up with nothing. Then again, if he got her to sleep, she'd end up waking up and being back to her old self again. "We'll cuddle and have a nice nap."

"Cuddle?"

"Yes."

She unlocked the door and Roy opened it. He pressed the lock on the door back down before turning around. "Get on my back."

"OOO I get a piggy back ride?"

"Yes."

She got on his back and he rose to stand straight. She rested her head on his shoulder as he kicked the door to the car shut and carried her toward the building. "I'm riding a Mustang!"

"Yes," he said again and opened the door to the building. Walking over to the elevator, he pressed the floor button and waited for the doors to swish open.

"Get down now," he said.

"But I don't want to."

"Please, it's hurting my back."

"Are you calling me fat?"

Roy stammered for a response as the doors to the elevator opened. "I can't believe you called me fat."

"I didn't!"

She went into the elevator and pressed the button to the door. Roy didn't catch it in time and it closed before he entered.

"Damn it! She's being a pest!"

He turned to the stairs and began running up to the floor where they lived. He rushed over to the elevator and waited. When it didn't come after a minute, he walked back down the stairs, checking on each floor to make sure Riza didn't get off on them. He got to the bottom floor and saw a man he recognized waiting on the elevator.

"Hey Bill, did you see Riza get off the elevator?"

"No," he said, "right now it's on the fifth floor," he said, pointing up at the number. "It went as high as the tenth though."

"Oh, okay thanks," Roy said.

"You okay? You look tired."

"You have no idea."

Roy rushed back up to the fifth floor and spotted Riza sitting at the door of their apartment, looking extremely depressed. "Riza?"

Riza looked up and then stood and ran to him. She began sobbing on his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her. "I gots lost!"

"It's okay," he said, "let's go inside."

He led her to the door and opened it, letting her go inside before he entered. After locking the door back, he guided her to their room. "Why don't you lay down a bit and get some sleep?"

"You promised you'd come too and that you'd cuddle!" she protested.

Hayate bounded into the room, happy to see his masters were home.

"PUPPY!" she said, pointing at her dog. Hayate leaped backward and then looked at Roy in such an odd manner he had to laugh.

"Go in the living room Hayate, she's not feeling too well."

Hayate did as Roy said and Riza looked at him. "Who names a dog Hayate? It's so dull! Fido is a gooder name!"

Roy picked her up and carried her over to the bed. She giggled. "This feels like we are on our moonhoney."

After laying her down upon the bed and taking off her shoes, he kicked off his own and lay down beside her. She instantly cuddled closer to him and rested her head on his chest. "You are so comfy. Roy is comfy."

"That's nice," he said. "Now sleep."

"Roy?"

"Yes?"

"Don't make me go to the mean man with the drills anymore. Okay?"

Roy sighed. Seeing how she ended up after a trip to the dentist, he was more than happy to agree.


AN: It's about time Riza is the one all loopy. It rarely happens in fics. XD Hope you enjoyed it and please drop a review if you have the time.