Disclaimer- I do not own the glorious series that is Harry Potter. Not do I own the smurfs.

If I get enough reviews, I'll put up another chapter!

This is something random that popped into my overloaded brain.


The "Never Agains" of Hogwarts

Specifically directed to the Marauders and/or Weasley Twins

Established by Minerva McGonagall

1. You may not use house elves as Quaffles. Or Snitches. Or Bludgers. Or, for that matter, any type of Muggle soccer, football or golf ball.

2. Professor Flitwick is not a smurf and shall not be addressed as such.

3. Referring to myself as "Minnie" and asking me if she wants to get high on catnip is not only against the rules, but also highly disturbing.

4. Coloring Mr. Jordan's hair anything other than the usual black without his permission may be highly amusing, but trust me, pink does not look good on him.

5. Jinxing Professor Snape's underwear to sing the Hogwarts school song is starting to scare the first years.

6. Please do not say "Boo" after sneaking up on Professor Moody. He's paranoid enough as it is.

7. Do not bewitch a banner reading "Ferret Boy "to follow Mr. Malfoy around.

8. Do not tell Professor Lockhart that we need some morale-raising in the form of giant pictures of him posted all over the school. Please.

9. Do not attempt to get up the girls' sliding staircase. It will fail.

10. After failing at 9, do not put peanut butter on the staircase out of anger. Ms. Evans is getting annoyed.

11. Levitating charms are all very well, but putting them in sweets and offering them to Mr. Longbottom is not funny anymore.

12. The giant squid lives in the Black Lake, not in the boys' dormitory.

13. Or the girls'. Especially the girls, in fact.

14. Setting Mr. Snape's robes on fire is not a healthy way to relieve stress.

15. Nor is setting Moaning Myrtle on him. That's just mean.

16. Mr. Wood does not want to hear one more joke about his name, and has been given permission to jinx if it occurs again.

17. Our visitors from Beauxbatons do not want to see your impressions of French aristocrats.

18. Nor do our visitors from Durmstrang want to answer questions about how evil their parents have to have been to get into the school. This is likely to get you sent to the hospital wing.

19. Slytherin students are not "slithering to badness." This is a horrid pun, people.

20. Professor Lupin does not appreciate being called a "stray mutt" whenever he gives you homework and you don't want it.

21. Calling him "Tonks's new puppy" is not appropriate either. Learn some maturity.

22. Do not replace Professor Slughorn's crystallized pineapple with dead slugs. It's gross. You know he eats those anyway, right?

23. Assigning pet names to professors is creepy. So stop calling Professor Snape "Snivelly" (It's giving him Déjà vu), Professor Flitwick "Dopey" (he doesn't even get it), myself "Minnie" (see rule number 3), and Professor Dumbledore "Santa" (he's getting sick of Mr. Creevey trying to sit on his lap.) It may be noted, however, that you may call Professor Umbridge "The Great Flycatcher", no matter what she says.

24. The Whomping Willow is not an amusement park, and convincing the first years to "take a ride" could get you sent to Azkaban.

25. Fawkes is not a pigeon. Nor is he a rat with wings. Addressing him as such will get you a one-way ticket to the hospital wing.

26. Offering Mr. Lupin tampons to help him with his "time of month" is not acceptable.

27. Do not mock Professor Quirrell about his turban. Do you have any idea what he hides behind that thing?

28. If Mr. Snape ends up on the ceiling on more time, I will personally see that you end up in detention for a lifetime.

29. Trying to beat the record for the most detentions is not an appropriate way to spend your time. Besides, the Marauders' record is so high the aforementioned rats with wings couldn't get close.

30. I don't care how willing the house elves are. Stop dressing them up like smurfs.

31. Just because you are bored does not give you the right to turn Professor Dumbledore's beard into a nest of bees.

32. Stop asking the Professors of Hogwarts if we know you're secret identities. We don't care if you are Batman, Robin, The Incredible Hulk, and Catwoman. And do not get angry when I tell the school that you are Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin.

33. Referring to the last rule, do not call Mr. Lupin Catwoman. I see no basis for this claim and I don't think he likes it.

34. Stop calling Moaning Myrtle the "Moaning Moron".

35. Alastor Moody does not want a dose of Polyjuice Potion to turn into Barty Crouch Jr.

36. Nor does he want a peek inside your trunk.

37. Nor does he want to be called "The Ex-Auror Who Couldn't". In fact, stop talking to him at all.

38. Mr. Lupin is afraid of the moon. You know that. Stop doodling it on his papers at every opportunity.

39. Ms. Evans is not interested in you. Give it up, Mr. Potter.

40. Peeves is not to be encouraged. I made one exception, and that was in a time of dire need. So stop referring to the chandelier.

41. Just because you know the famous Harry Potter does not mean you can brag about it in the corridors.

42. Hagrid is not afraid of basilisks. I have no idea what gave you that impression, but drop it.

43. Parking your motorcycle in front of my office is not "cool", as you put it. How did you get that thing in here?

44. Stop calling yourselves Tweedledee and Tweedledum. I know you have brains, you just don't put them to use.

45. Transfiguring my desk into a hippogriff and then telling me it was homework is a LIE.

46. Unless it actually was homework. Then it's ok.

47. It is not ok to inquire about my personal life. Especially about Professor Dumbledore.

48. This rule is enforced tenfold when in the presence of the Minister of Magic.

49. Even if he is an idiot.

50. Aggravating me to the point that I actually wrote this list is a bad sign. Keep it up, and I might have a heart attack. I would advise you not to aggravate me further.

James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter gazed upon the newly posted list. They couldn't believe that they had driven Professor McGonagall to this level of insanity. What an achievement!

But Sirius wasn't too happy. "She's taken all the fun out of life." he complained.

James grinned "She didn't say we couldn't bewitch all the first years to threaten to jump off the Astronomy Tower."

They high-fived, Remus shaking his head, bemused. They walked on, peter trailing after them.

Fred and George stared at each other in disbelief. According to McGonagall, she had just reinstated these rules because of "certain misbehaving miscreants". They were proud of their achievements of course, but now their best pranks were out of the picture. Except…

Three hours later, Severus Snape stormed up to Professor Dumbledore's office, demanding to know why his hair was canary yellow.

The End